My eldest is trans apparently - what next?

[AlicatDXB]

My eldest has recently come out to us as trans - and by recently I mean 4 weeks ago. They are university age, never shown any signs at all other than not being especially into typically male hobbies. Never dated but their dating years were through the pandemic so that could be why. Needless to say its gone off like a bombshell.

I am not transphobe and know a few who seem happy in their lot now they have transitioned but I can't help worrying that this is just the solution in vogue right now and that perhaps there is something else going on here. They have a lot of trans friends at university, whether that's what's influencing them or that they sought them out I don't know.

DH is struggling so hard with this and not really helping the situation so I am in the middle trying not to let this blow us apart, and trying to keep things amicable but its not easy and its hurting my youngest child to watch. But I see my child in pain, I don't believe they aren't sincere in thinking this is what they need, I just have doubts whether it truly is this.

There's just been another blowup between them and DH over nothing which then became a full on screaming match with some awful words being thrown about and now my child has stormed off and is demanding we allow them to get HRT over the internet as, of course, proper medical assistance will take months if not years.

Is that even legal? I have concerns over safety obviously. Has anyone else had any experience with this? I have been pushing back on this every day and I am out of arguments.

How do I repair the relationship between father and child? I feel like I'm on a tightrope over a crocodile pit all the damn time. Will it get easier?

Thank you for reading.

I know v little but bumping this for you.

I would start with a self referral for your child to your local NHS talking therapies provision. An online self referral should be available.

I wouldn’t medicate without psychological therapies first

As they are an adult they can make their own choices, but that doesn't mean you have to pay for it! They can go down the NHS route or save money and pay for any treatment themselves.

Firstly, if they are university age, they are no longer a child. They don't need your permission or acceptance for anything. Though of course, it would be nice, which I'm assuming is why they have chosen to share this with you.

Personally, I would show your support, offer them a listening ear and tell them you are there if they need to talk. Other than that, stay out of it, don't state your opinion and let them find their own way. Either they will go through with transitioning (which I hope you will support if what you say about not being transphobic is true!) or, they will decide it's not for them after all.

As for your DH - it sounds like he's really struggling. Is this because he is transphobic? Or is it more the fact that it's his own child and he feels like he's in some way losing them? If it's the latter, there are support groups available for relatives of people who are transitioning, that he (and you!) may find useful to attend.

At the end of the day, it's going to be hard, but this isn't a child we are talking about. You have no part to play in this besides being loving and supportive parents. Just be there.

I wouldn't be looking at any medication from the Internet but I'd help them take the first steps to getting good gender identity counselling and medical support. A good counsellor or healthcare professional will advise against self prescribing and explain the reasons for that. Having some support might help them feel that they're being heard and seen and that might help them manage to wait and do things in a safer way. I'd tell them that you love and support them for who they are no matter what, and I'd try to reassure them that you'll still love and support them no matter what direction this journey takes them and that its OK for them to take their time and decide for them what feels comfortable and right and it's ok to give themselves that time, you and noone else has the right to put pressure on them to make any decisions until they feel ready. It might be a good idea to have family counselling and maybe for dh to have his own separate support as it sounds like he needs to process this a bit more himself and think about how he's communicating with them. I'd also remind them that while for them they've maybe known this about themselves for a long time, but it's new to you and taking time to understand and process it is part of you both adapting so you can support them more fully.

So sorry OP and yes, it's grim.

Do get them counselling - avoid affirmative counsellors like the plague. I suspect many will be disbarred (or whatever the counselling equivalent is) in future.

Do work on your relationship with your child. Talk about non-trans stuff, get them doing some hobbies with you, some sports together if you can (not always possible).

Transgender Trend and Bayswater Support Group are good places for advice.

Don't get medication on the internet. One child in the UK died doing that, one doctor has been disbarred and another came close.

Sending love

Your child needs therapy, not hormones. I would offer to pay for therapy and I would not have any part in getting them HRT.

I would look at getting him some therapy. Look online for others in your situation who can recommend a therapist who, most importantly, is not gender affirming. It’s difficult for them to advertise themselves in the current climate but they are out there.

Some people are extra vulnerable to this ideology and are trying desperately to feel like they belong somewhere. Many young people who get caught up in this are gay or bisexual. Many are ND.

I’ve seen a friend have to deal with this with her autistic son. He is thankfully out the other side of it now, no hormones or operations but lots of hard times and arguments. My friend managed to keep communication open throughout, lots of talking and gentle questioning. The more you can be there for your son without going along with it, the better.

My friends son is now at ease with being a gay man, not a woman, and is happily in a relationship.

Best wishes.

We're in your situation. It's very difficult. Our DS also has deep rooted anxiety and depression. We want him to address that first. He, on the other hand, thinks all his problems will be solved by hormones bought privately.

We're paying for therapy with an experienced exploratory therapist I found when I read a research paper he'd written. Gender Exploratory Therapy Association is another place to look for an exploratory therapist.

I also attend a Gender Dysphoria Support Network group - it's really helpful being with others in the same position. Good luck, it's a bumpy ride.

Encourage them to make an appointment at the gp, remind them that online pharmacies can be fake so best to go through a dr. Yes it takes a while but allows them to explore their chosen gender and decide if they want to make it permanent. Keep the dialogue open

My DS is at Uni too and many of his friends are trans (including his 'girl' friend) and I think he is going to tell us he is trans soon, he is laying the ideas currently, shaving arms and legs, growing his hair.
I am really unhappy about it.
I don't care who he wants to date or what he wants to wear but I massively object to medicalising it and 'pretending' he is a girl.
It is definitely a massive thing at Uni, almost a cult. This bothers me as there is a lot of drama, angst, especially about parents and them not being supportive, in classic cult style.
My plan currently is to try to keep him onside, try to prevent him treating it as a medical issue and firmly prevent medication and try to prevent him cutting himself off from us.
It's giving me and DH massive angst.
The plus side I hang on to is that DS is happy at Uni, very happy and he seems very happy with his friends. Ultimately, that's what we want.

They are at University so over 18yo.
I surprised they are asking you ‘to allow them to have HRT over the Internet’ (or do they mean you should buy it for them?).

Otherwise, what other posters have said about getting support for yourself and them. And not jumping at buying whatever in the Internet Wo really knowing what it is. Plus, of course, there are some side effects to HRT and someone needs to spell them out to them too.

Don't get them medication over the internet.

There's a reason the process is so long. They can't just suddenly transition.

DH needs to calm his shit. His aggression isn't going to help anyone.

Does your DC have trans friends? Have they joined any support groups or spoken to any professionals? Are they dressing in a more 'feminine' way? Are there any signs that they actually believe they are female?

If uni age (ie. less than 20) and I had considerable means. I would say I can’t help you right now as it’s in trust (until say 25/27 - you want atleast 5 years!). But this money is coming your way. You only get it once. You should use it to set up your future life. You can spend it on hrt or surgery or whatever, or as a float to masters/ retrain (loads of grads end up retraining 25-27ish) or you can use it to give yourself security and put it down as a house deposit.

In Uni everything is conceptual, your future life. The world of work can be incredibly grounding as no ones going to fawn to it, just go, cool, and what you doing this weekend?

It’s up to her to choose her life and this way it’s her choice. You get one shot.

And sorry I said she because I made assumptions. I see this is your son now. That surgery is more intense so maybe don’t suggest that!

I think I would take your dh out and have it out with him. You need to set some priorities together.

I only have experience of this at one remove, though a lot of it. Whatever is prompting this, it suggests your adult child is going through a process of growth and questioning. It is possible that their social circles are pushing them further than they really want to go, or in fact they could be supportive and if anything holding the process back - it is absolutely all over the culture right now and thees no way to avoid it, so it's nobody's 'fault'.

In the meantime, if there are two people your child really needs right now, it is you and your dh. So prioritise the relationship. If it helps, imagine it's something that triggers your dh less - I have friends whose child has converted to an extremely restrictive version of Catholicism, another who has now quite reasonably decided not to pursue the demanding performance career they have been training for over several years. You have to stay close, keep listening, set a few boundaries like not ordering meds over the Internet. I think taking them to a home GP rather than a student focused practice is a good call.

Please speak to your adult son about how porn usage and hentaii is often linked to transgenderism. Along with ASD. My own adult son "came out" as transat 15 and within 2 year the police were through my door raiding my house. He pleaded guilty to downloading/making illegal images and these were the hentaii /cross species anime porn etc. our lives have been forever charged for the worse and then we found out he had inadvertently groomed his younger brother and then we went through the entire trans thing again. Turned out my eldest son has been accessing porn (of the normal type) since he was around 11. But he was always such a good boy, a strident rule follower, did well at school, and so I never suspected a thing.

It's 3 years on now. After lots of therapy, My eldest son is no longer identifying as trans. He recognises it ask for what it was. A total navel gazing Sham of older men using younger People and children to validate their delusions. My youngest son was adamant that he was going to get HRT as soon as he left home to go to uni but he's just completed his first year and he hasn't changed in any way and I suspect he feels rather sheepish about the entire thing. But two years ago he was 100% adamant that he would defo be getting his penis removed. But at that point he hasn't had any sexual experiences or dated etc. I very much suspect that's changed now.

I wish you luck navigating this mine field. I can't count how many sleepless nights I've had over the years. I've cried river and vomited with worry and stress . This trans madness needs to burn in hell .

Controversial subject, but I love all alls of life, what I don’t like is men taking over women’s identities. Tell me I’m wrong??

They're an adult now not a child. If they want to screw up their life by buying hrt and harming their body then they have to do that with their own money. But if it were me, I'd be asking them to leave. It would be too painful for me to watch them self destruct.
The chances your daughter is actually trans is pretty rare and unlikely . More than likely she's bored and has convinced herself this is what she needs to make her happy. It's a stupid phase and she'll have to detransition eventually like so many are currently.

Talk and listen.

Are they trans or do they believe they are a woman?

Do they know the side effects of hormone treatment? Brittle bones and a shortened life.

Do they know the effects of surgery, a neo vagina needs to be stretched daily and cleaned and he will never have another orgasm.

He will never have children? Uterus transplant will never be an option even though people claim it can be done.

When did he realise he was trans?

Does he know that it is impossible to change sex? That you can become a faximile of a woman but your chromasomes stay the same.

Look at detransitioners on YouTube with him.

Look at the number of trans 'women' convicted of sex crimes.

Best wishes to you and all the parents putting up with this.

Read transgender trend resources, and contact James Esses, the psychologist. (Both have contact details available via Twitter). Take it slowly and try not to rush into confrontation.

Something is making your dc unhappy with themselves - so clearly some sort of therapy is needed. And distraction - it’s the summer could you take them on a last minute holiday - an active one?

Please be careful. This situation can ruin relationships. Have a good look at this https://genspect.org/guidance-for-parents/

Please get your dh to calm down. I cannot imagine how it feels to go through this. But getting angry will be pushing your child away. Beliefs can be very hard to dispel. There are many far more knowledgeable posters than me to guide you. And without trying to be pedantic, this is not HRT. Women take HRT to help with menopause symptoms. These are cross sex hormones, which are not supposed to be present in the body and therefore will cause damage to the body.

It’s a cult, your son has been brainwashed. All you can do is get a therapist that can talk through his issues. It’s is all very well growing hair and looking beautiful now but give it 10 years. It’s like the 70’s when my parents were worried about the Moonies.

Theres a reason it takes so long to get medication, do NOT buy it over the internet.

It's a cult of gender ideology and it's relentless.