My gorgeous boy is gay

[soozm127]

I don't even know why I am writing this. Perhaps it is because my son has asked me to keep his secret until he feels ready to tell the world who he really is.
My gorgeous boy who is nearly 16 has told me tonight that he is gay. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little shocked and feel the surprise it has taken me by is more disconcerting than the truth. Why hadn't I spotted any signs, has he get he had to hide it from me. I certainly don't feel any different about my son. He is still the handsome, witty fun loving boy I have always known him to be. Will his life be any different to what he and I had already imagined it to be? I don't think he would allow that, he knows what he wants and he does his best to get it. I only wish him a lifetime of love and happiness and to always know that he has a safe place with me and that there is no judgement. That I love him more than ever.

My gorgeous boy is as well

he came out to me at 13 and at 23 is engaged (marrying next year) and theyve just bought a house together

i think the only thing that seems to be harder (obviously) is starting a family, but they will look at adoption

Oooo

i didnt see any signs cos there weren’t any

its lovely that he trusts you so much

@RufustheFloralmissingreindeer
Please
Don't feel you have to answer, but was there an element of you that was scared for your son? I know that I know who my son is, but it still feels like there is so much hate and intolerance out there for anyone who dares to be different. And as much as I can't protect him from everything in the big bad world I just don't want him to be afraid or hide who he is. He has already suffered greatly with his mental health and I fear that if life doesn't turn out how he expects (which in all honesty when does it) he will revert to harming himself again.
I know I'm overthinking all of this, but like any mother I just want him to be happy, healthy and live his best life.

Oh absolutely i did

soon after he met his now partner we all went shopping in a city near us and the two young men walked in front of us holding hands

i was walking along thinking ‘if anyone even looks at them funny im going to lose my shit’….no one looked at him funny

but honestly while i don’t doubt hes had homophobic comments and ‘jokes’ (which is obviously not right) no one has touched him

but it is scary, there are homophobic attacks and you do worry

ds has also had mental health issue but he is in a good place now although he would like a better paid job 🤔

If you wanted me to ask him anything id be happy to….hes rubbish at replying to me quickly though

my 11 year old gorgeous boy came out to me 4 days ago. it was a surprise, mainly because I'm still getting used to the idea that my baby is now old enough to fancy people and have sexual feelings! I said the right things - we love him, it doesn't change how we feel about it, we completely accept and support him in whatever he does, etc. But I do feel scared for him. I worry that he'll be more vulnerable because of homophobia but also because he'll be more isolated and have fewer potential partners so may be more likely to seek that out online and that might make him more vulnerable. also, I have no idea what I'm doing. I have gay friends but they're my age (40s) and I think being a gay teen now is probably quite different. My son has told people at school and no-one seems remotely bothered by it. if anything, it's raised his social capital a bit.

So, OP, I feel your fear too

I just wanted to say I could have written this post myself. I've been on a emotional roller coaster these last few days and would appreciate all the help I can get.

My gorgeous 14yr old believes he may be gay also. It too came as a total shock.

Received a call at work from his school on Thursday - really threw me as it was a strike day so assumed it was because he hadn't logged on for virtual learning, but no - instead they were calling to notify me that the tracking software they have on his school issue Chromebook had alerted them that he was accessing inappropriate images!

I was of course mortified and could barely comprehend what I was being told. Couldn't leave work (so many staff were off due to teacher strikes) but my husband WFH so I called him immediately and he retrieved his Chromebook and had 'words'.

All day at work I couldn't focus. Tried to call the school back during lunch but missed them, they rang me back and I said I really needed a bit more information and specifics before I had a conversation with him, she promised to call me at home in the evening which she did. Both my husband and I were sat opened mouth to learn he'd been watching gay pornography.

Can't lie, I stormed into his room fuming - mostly because I felt like I'd failed to protect him was ashamed that the school had to be the one to tell me what my own child had been viewing, but left his room a sobbing mess.

Just to add his smartphone and tablet are heavily restricted (he's my youngest and my husband works in IT) but neither of us can't access settings on his school issue Chromebook to restrict/block but as he tells it, he'd access the sites via a Russian search engine and used his hotspot on his phone which bypassed the Parental 'child safe settings on our WiFi, also the tracking software only went live at midday the day before as he'd been viewing said sites for at least 6 months and been feeling 'different' since he was in Year 8!

He says he doesn't feel attracted to girls and doesn't thinks he ever will. He's a good looking lad (I know I'm biased) and had been getting a lot of unwanted attention recently from girls via SM (he has WhatsApp only) and just isn't interested - I actually don't have issue with this - I was similar at 14, proper nerd/bookwork and his older siblings are/were 'late bloomers'. His 16yr sibling doesn't seem interested in relationships just now either. He says he feels more comfortable in the company of girls (he does have 2 older sisters) and doesn't feel he has much in common with the other boys, I said that's perfectly OK. I tried really hard not to dismiss his feelings but before I get shot down, is what he's saying conclusive that he's gay? Could it be that the porn he was watching just aroused him so he just kept watching and didn't bother to search for anything else? He swears he's not been 'physical' with anyone other than himself! Maybe I'm just in my denial but he's my baby boy....

If he is gay then we'll handle it but I think he's still rather young to make a life defining choice about his sexuality and pretty much said so which was probably the wrong thing. I spoke to him my experiences and that I didn't feel any strong attractions until I was much older.

Obviously I have all the concerns any parent will have about their child's future and what it'll look like especially given our faith and culture. I spoke to his older brother - mostly about the porn issue - and he's struggling to accept the possibility his brother may be gay, my husband is in complete denial; they love him of course we all do, but I'm so very anxious about the ripple effect of this new revelation. My biggest question is what do we do now?

Having an 11 years old DGS he says girls are revolting. No surprise there. Interesting a lot of the young people here have mental health issues. His sister "thought" she might be gay... changed her mind! What a depressing world, when children of 11 are even thinking about their sexual preference.

Wow - that was a tough way to find out! and it's all complicated by the fact that he has accessed inappropriate content (porn) and has undermined security protocols to do so. So it's 3 things really: a telling off for deliberately bypassing security, a chat about how porn is not real sex and how it can negatively affect people's sexuality (and I don't mean that watching gay porn will make you gay but that watching porn can lead to addiction to it and to reducing sex to just a physical act, unrealistic body image, etc), and, finally, a completely judgement free acceptance of his sexuality. It's very tough to do all 3 at once.

I would guess (and I'm straight so what do I know?!) that he's experimenting and figuring out what he likes. I would take his assertion that he's gay at face value and wait for him to work it out for himself. he might be, he might not. we've gone for accepting what our 11 years old says on the grounds that a) he might not change his mind and b) if we try to persuade him otherwise, it'll never work and he'll resent us and turn to other people for guidance. try not to think of it as a life defining choice. he might well change his mind. kids seem to 'offered' a whole smorgasbord of sexualities and sexual identities so a lot of them will have a long hard think about which ones they are. and they switch round quite a lot. I think there's less of a finality about it now. Also, kids now seem very relaxed about homosexuality. my DS has had no real trouble about it. in fact, I think the kids are more worried about being seen as homophobic. for some kids, it's actually an advantage! it's been a real relief to know that homophobia at school isn't a big issue. I hope it's the same for your boy.

sorry to hear your DH and DS are having trouble with it. it's hard when you realise that it will make his life harder. my DH was listing the different ways in which he might be discriminated against and I had to point out that all of them apply to our daughter (except for being attacked for being gay, that is). women and girls face discrimination in jobs, education, pay, they face more sexual harassment and violence, etc, etc.

my parents don't know yet (as our DS doesn't want to tell them yet) but I'm sure they'll be thrilled due to religious beliefs. I plan to remind them that it's God's place to judge and how your gay DS chooses to live his life is between him and whatever he chooses to believe in. it's very hard but we can't live our kids lives for them. just accept and hope that means that they will turn to us if they have questions, worries or are in trouble. he's still the same boy and he still needs his mum and dad.

I hope it's starting to get easier. it's a shock but time makes it easier, I think

I wasn’t shocked when ds1 told me….it just was

and honestly i had friends who said he was confused and it was a phase…but they didn’t seem so keen when I pointed out that exactly the same could have been said of their ‘heterosexual’ children

though in all honesty the most irritating thing ‘friends’ say is that they always knew he was gay….bollocks you knew, what a load of shit, i did lose my patience with the last person who said that to me 😀

another friends child came out at 19 the mother rang me in tears but she was most upset by the homophonic comments he would have heard over the years from his dad

💐for everyone struggling with this, we all want our babies to be safe and happy

DD14 came out to me when she was 12.

DSis has been an out lesbian for 20+ years, since we were teens. My mind immediately jumped to all the times as teens/early 20s that I had to step in due to the homophobic bullying, abuse screamed in bars and even whilst just out shopping.

I wish the world were softer for them.

'though in all honesty the most irritating thing ‘friends’ say is that they always knew he was gay….bollocks you knew, what a load of shit, i did lose my patience with the last person who said that to me 😀'

Yes, I always find that appalling, suggesting that they knew better than the young person themselves what his / her sexuality is. They're just letting their narrow minded stereotypes hang out for all to see!

If he is gay then we'll handle it but I think he's still rather young to make a life defining choice about his sexuality and pretty much said so which was probably the wrong thing

@tiredmama50 - Your son isn't making a choice. Homosexuality isn't a choice, it's an innate sexual orientation. If he is attracted to other boys, yes, he's gay (or bisexual) and there's no choice involved. 14 is definitely old enough to know he isn't attracted to girls.

Rather than dismiss him as being "rather young", thank him for telling you how he feels. There's nothing you need to "handle" about having a gay son. My son told me at he same age as your son. It's not an issue.

Accessing porn, on the other hand, is something to "handle."

My DS2 is also gay. He is probably harder work than the other two but I'm not necessarily sure that's because he is gay or just because he is who he is. He is 27 this year and has spent most of his adulthood living in London as he finds it more suited to him, his friends and their lifestyle.

Interestingly, my DS1's GF also has a gay brother .

When he came out I was more upset because I knew his life would be more difficult than his siblings because of views in this country etc. but he tends to be less worried than me. I worry more about him than the other two I suppose, but thats probably just silly.

Don't beat yourself up about not spotting any signs. There may have been no signs to spot. I know you won’t think like this but over 30 years ago when my brother came out, lots of people were shocked because he didn’t seem gay apparently. Back I think most people thought gay = camp, more than one person commented on him not sounding gay 😂🥴

Lots of boys who mainly play with girls and enjoy dressing up will be straight and lots of “boy boys” will be gay. My brother was into cars and that seemed to greatly puzzle my late mum. He also loved Kate Bush and Marilyn Monroe and she clung to that at suggesting he liked girls.

Hopefully, in 2023, your son’s sexual orientation is going to have a negligible marginal impact on the course or happiness of his life. It’s great that he was comfortable telling you but it doesn’t need to be a big deal.

Twenty years ago I’d have felt similarly to you, as being gay almost certainly did present certain potential obstacles that straight people didn’t ever have to contemplate, however in the U.K. today, he’d be very unlucky to suffer prejudice or discrimination outside of the most conservative or backwards communities.

light

ds1 was told by his boyfriend’s friends that he was the straightest gay man they knew 😀

My son was sixteen when he told us that he was gay. His older brother had just moved away from home (was he waiting until then?).

It was a total surprise. There were no obviously gay signs, apart from maybe not having a girlfriend. We asked whether friends knew and he said some did, and one or two comments by other parents made me wonder whether they knew or not.

It did take a bit of time to get used to - you expect your ds to take the conventional route in life, plus although the world has moved on, it’s still not easy ride out there. Knowing his generation is more accepting and it’s not such a big issue makes it easier though.

Several years later, he still the same person and hasn’t embraced the gay community, pride etc.

(Funnily enough, if you asked me which of my two dc would come out as gay, I would have expected the older one - actually still waiting for that revelation.)

This is very interesting and helpful for me to read through. My DS has recently confided in our eldest DS that he is gay. He's 14 and big brother is 19. Eldest DS told me cos he thought I should know, but asked me not to say anything. I wouldn't anyway, I'm waiting for him to hopefully feel he can tell me when he's ready.
I went through the whole 'maybe it's just a phase, he's only young how can he really know' but then DS pointed out to me that he definitely knew he wasn't gay at that age! Which kind of put it in perspective
I wouldn't say there are any 'signs' at all really, but I don't care whatsoever, I just want him to know we love him for the wonderful lad that he is.

did your older ds have his brothers permission to tell you? why did he feel you need to know?

tiredmama50 he is definitely not too young! He is 14!! I knew I was gay around the age of 11 and by 12 or 13 I was absolutely certain. Did you not find anyone attractive at 14?!

There’s nothing to ‘handle’ about him being gay. Nor is it a ‘life defining choice’ - it’s not a choice for one thing, nor is it something he’s committed to forever.

The porn is an issue! But would you feel differently if it had been heterosexual porn? It does need to be dealt with either way.

To the mums worrying about their children, my sexuality is a non issue now. It was a big deal in the 1990’s.

Yes, why did your older son betray his brother’s trust and confidence like that? I’d be disappointed in him.

It’s quite normal.
I certainly knew at 11, started to feel attraction at that age. I think it’s a normal age to start to experience these feelings and is due to puberty hormones, not a sign of being over sexualised.

Gay teens often do experience mental health issues due to the difficulties in being accepted etc but I don’t think it’s ok to imply that coming out is a sign of mental health issues. Homosexuality was removed from the diagnostic manuals a very long time ago!

@supravit @FatGirlSwim
As you know absolutely nothing about my family dynamics or my relationship with my two DS, I can disregard your comments as they are completely irrelevant.

Your thre one who brought it up.

Your 14 year olds sexuality is between him and whoever he decides to tell, there is no reason you need to know and if I was him I'd be furious with my brother.

It’s got nothing to do with your family dynamics or relationships. One ds confided in his brother, who ran off and told you. Doesn’t matter how great your relationship is, that isn’t ok.