Dc says they want hormone therapy

[Windtunnel]

My DC 14 has been out for about a year, was born female. We've been OK about it, trying with pronouns etc. They've been a lot happier since.

However my DH has said dc has mentioned wanting to take hormones.

What do I do now? Happy to have discussion and keep it open. I dont want to block, also equally dont want to lead them down "that' road too fast.

We can't necessarily afford private therapy. Take them to the GP?

Experiences and suggestions welcome, thank you vv much

I worked in PR for 20 years. I would very subtly give your dc access to well-considered information about the reality of transitioning from sources they respect (other young people/scientific research etc).

The problem for this generation is those talking bullshit have a platform on social media. You can't stop that but you can guide towards credible sources.

Think what your holding message is: "This is your decision dc and your body. I know you want to understand the short term and long term effects and trust you to make a decision based on solid evidence."

Let dc talk to you and try just to listen. Don't offer counter arguments or encouragement when you agree. Just listen. She is the expert here and the one in control. Just support her to learn the very valuable skill of balanced decision making.

A 14 year old is certainly nor should they be in control.

The child will be repeating what they have read / been told by others.

@TheMarzipanDildo no worries, it's a rocky road fraught with danger, I need to get quietly tooled up with a stance which won't alienate them or push them to a drastic decision.
@Gingerkittykat not autistic but we've been considering getting them tested for adhd.

@Minimalme thank you, agree listening. Position of loving neutrality and openness I guess.

@KittensNotMittens yes there's so much stuff out there online an ancient dinosaur like me can't understand. So beyond my control and comfort zone.

While waiting for therapy/GP could you explore opportunities for your DD to get offline and engage with events or hobbies that encourage strong women.

Local to me we have an outdoor pursuits centre that has loads of female staff, they run women only sessions which your DC may not want to attend but even just general sessions would be outdoors, physical and show women in a physically demanding set of activities that are usually more inhabited by men.

If there are any female comedy shows, or festivals or entrepreneur networking events near you.

Anything that can give some real life demonstrations that females are as capable, as strong, as 'good' as men.

From what I'm seeing and hearing, some girls are leaning towards transitioning to male roles because they see women as the weaker sex, feel exploited by sexual imagery, scared about assault stats, dismayed by gender paygaps, sexism,... etc some of those concerns are justified, but it may help to see that the solution to those problems isn't to identify as male.

Erm what talk guidelines did my most break exactly???

My first post advised the OP to visit the GP for support/counselling for her child. I advised her to be honest about the fact she cannot be a boy as it is fact that humans cannot change sex. Not sure how that break the guidelines?

Teens this age are hideously impressionable so work that to your advantage and impress something less drastic and harmless on it them.

@CrossStichQueen I didnt report your comment. Shows what a contentious area it is. My dc wd however have a fit if we dared say that in front of them!

@FatAgainItsLettuceTime good ideas, I will look out for something like that.

I made it very clear to DD that I won't condone any permanent changes, that I see it as my job to get her to adulthood in one piece. This includes piercings, tattoos etc and that once she gets to be an adult at 18 she is free to make any permanent choices about her body that she likes but until then it is a no.

With hormone therapy I would take the same line, you can dress as you like and cut your hair as you like but no permanent changes. If like the vast majority of teens she grows out of this social contagion (which it is for most) then you have not facilitated long lasting health impacts on her body.

Thinking a child should not be making decisions that permanently alter their body is not being a 'terf' it is safeguarding a child.

No one 'hates your existence' . You carry on being you with your belief system.
That still doesn't mean people can change sex.

People not conforming to stereotypes doesn't make them the other sex, nor non binary. It just makes them human with a personality.

OP, what role does her peer group play in all of this? Worst case, if necessary, maybe look at a relocation and change of schools in order to extricate her from that environment?

I am an autistic adult who went through this as a teen. Had this been an option for me (and many others similar) I would have been pushing for it.
As an adult seeing what girls and young women are going through at the moment, I am simultaneously relieved that I grew up in a time where adults were able to say no to things that harm children, and heartbroken that so many neurodivergent teen girls are being groomed by this agenda through peers, internet, school and even orgs like camhs. It’s an utter shitshow.

I would say be vaguely supportive whilst not actually doing anything, and in the meantime do things to get her out of her head - go for hikes, to the beach, out for McDonald’s or things that she enjoys, and let her just be herself without constant introspection. There is lots of evidence that most children going through this, if supported through it (and not affirmed) will grow out of it.

Transgender Trend is an excellent site for you to read - it’s all about protecting children and upholding safeguards. Anyone telling you otherwise is a TRA and doesn’t have any child’s best interest at heart.

If your daughter still wishes to pursue this as an adult, as a parent I would be supportive whilst pointing out the issues re. dangers of x sex hormones (there are plenty of transmen sharing their stories of complications), but accept that as an adult she will do what she chooses.

What did you decide to do in the end?

Hi OP, it's now very common amongst girls going through puberty, and very tricky ground to tread. You sound very sensible and I'm sure you can support your child without the need for medical intervention.

In the past puberty resolved 80% of gender dysphoria in children. Now we are in a different area, with the rise of Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria (academic paper on this by Lisa Littman of Brown University here)
scholar.google.co.uk/scholar_url?url=rogd.fi/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/pone.0214157.s001.pdf&hl=en&sa=X&ei=nNaQY8LyIOiTy9YPrsil4Aw&scisig=AAGBfm2vnUCV3JMtgyVNz5j1F0tTW82srQ&oi=scholarr

You've said your child maybe ADHD, it is worth treating for co-mobidities, over 33% of gender dysphoric kids are ASD.
Up to 90% are LGB.
Its worth listening to this podcast from the BBC from a previous governor of the Tavistock Centre.

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p09yk7dh

I see you've been offered some great resources and I really think showing young people the huge range of diversity in gender expression is really important.
I was recently at a feminist conference and that really struck me. Great role models for young women especially.

Sex is binary and immutable but we shouldn't be pigeon holed by society in terms of how we dress and act.
Social transitioning is not an neutral act,
but appreciate its hard as you don't want to alienate your child.
Be careful of charities who would wish to "help" your child.
Monitor online stuff as much as you can!

My neice identified as non binary for a couple of years.She seems to have grown out of it now.

I genuinely feel most people are "non binary" in that hardly anyone fits into sexist stereotypes of what a man and woman "should" be. We can't escape or biology though.

Good luck with it all

Erm, say no and protect your 14 year old CHILD. I wouldn't even tolerate discussing this with mine.

I agrée with lots above re procrastination etc , but ALSO try and find a distraction! Invest time to find a new hobby or interest, new social circle , get that girl off the internet and put her mind to something else! Good luck !!

Does she have any other issues she cares about? Agree with the trying to get her to focus on things that aren't herself.

If she's concerned about inequalities then great, you can volunteer at a food bank together, or go on beach cleans etc. I'd try make it anything that doesn't have a strong gender influence.

Taking her whole focus off this while being supportive in non specific ways seems sensible.

I do feel sad that women are being reduced to just a narrow stereotype and anyone beyond that wants to opt out. I wish they were fighting for change from within

www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

Please get in touch with the Bayswater Parent support group who take the watchful, waiting approach to gender dysphoria & transition. They're run by a group of parents for parents with children why are questioning their gender identity.

There is a reason why children are not allowed to make decisions at that age. They are not even allowed to make decisions like not wanting to go to school,that is compulsory. But taking hormones is like ‘oh let’s think about it’. It could very easily turn out to be a phase. How on earth can children know what they want forever at 14? They should wait until they are an adult to make the decision. Maybe just let her know she’s free to be however she likes until she is an adult and then she can make her decisions. Therapy is always a good idea she can learn to sort out her feelings and get a clearer vision of what she wants. Good luck x

Mine did the same at 14. My response was that she could wear what she liked but that puberty blockers were the equivalent to cutting off your perfectly good leg because you don't like it much at the moment. And that puberty IS totally shit and it's quite normal to hate your body and the changes it's going through - but that it goes away after a little while - honestly. And then she grew out of it and is perfectly being happy being female. I shudder at the thought of anyone giving affirmation to these cases of ROGD.