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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Trans Desistance

113 replies

Confusedmum71 · 14/08/2022 20:15

In light of the recent research that says ROGD is not backed up by scientific evidence, I am wondering if that fits with parental experiences?
Are there any parents willing to share updates on their trans children? Especially teenage girls.
I was content with a watchful waiting approach, safe in the knowledge that a large proportion of teens desist in the absence of interventions, but my anxieties are resurfacing in light of this new research.
thank you

OP posts:
Confusedmum71 · 30/10/2023 12:00

Sorry to hear you’re going through this. The approach I took was to neither affirm nor deny her beliefs. I attempted not to use any pronouns at all and used a gender neutral nickname. We had few conversations as she didn’t want to talk about it.
i think the turning point was a boy showing interest in her! Slowly but surely she started becoming more feminine until she was fully back to being the amazing, happy young woman she is now.
Not saying our troubles are over as you just never know but, for now at least, I’m enjoying seeing my 16 year old daughter making the most of life.
i do hope all turns out well for you.

OP posts:
kinfauns · 30/10/2023 12:49

Thanks @Confusedmum71 It sounds like your approach is very similar to ours. Like you, I am currently avoiding pronouns which is tricky but I don't want to affirm or deny. It's tricky but I'm also following my instincts on this. One of her friends has recently desisted so it will be interesting to see if that has any effect. So pleased to hear that things have worked out OK for your DD.

Moomoola · 04/11/2023 05:49

Our child (left home)has been seen by affirming therapists who, I hope, take other influences or possibilities on board. Though we recently found out they have an award from Glaxo Kline who make..guess what..testosterone.
They have told us she wants to be no contact, and any reaching out at all, will push her further away. They assure us she is getting mental health support, but can’t tell us who is providing that - due to confidentiality. So we have no idea what that means, it could be a gender identity clinic.She has isolated herself into a trans bubble, she’s cut off any non trans friends . She’s 18 so we can do nothing.

kinfauns · 06/11/2023 16:23

Hi @Moomoola I have been following your other threads closely and I know how hard this has all been for you. You have my sympathies, it all sounds incredibly painful. All I can say is please hold on for your DD as I'm pretty sure she will return to you at some point. I had pretty minimal contact with my parents in my late teens / early 20s. I knew they loved me but I just had to work things out for myself. They left me to it. I did some stupid things (luckily nothing too damaging but could easily have been), came to my senses in my early to mid-20s and sorted myself out. Had a good relationship with my parents from then onwards. Hoping your daughter will extricate herself from the situation and come back to you soon xxx

GatherlyGal · 06/11/2023 17:06

Excellent update @Confusedmum71 . I do love these stories.

@Moomoola sorry to hear what you are going through. Sounds like she really has immersed herself in the trans ID. So hard for you to be apart from her and reliant on updates and advice from others. Hang in there. I think they do reach an age where their horizons stretch and they want more from life than this very insular bubble.

We are not out of the woods yet either sadly but DD keeps fairly close and we are still not having to deal with hormones or surgery. She is 19 now and at Uni and the only time she mentions gender (and medical treatment) is when she's a bit down or lonely or doesn't have enough to occupy herself. She very much IDs as male but almost all of the time says she doesn't want to go back to the gender clinic.

When this all comes tumbling down I will never forgive the professionals who inserted themselves between kids and their parents and claimed to know better.

NotTerfNorCis · 13/11/2023 21:26

Confusedmum71 · 30/10/2023 09:31

Well, for anyone still looking to this thread for hope, I can now give an update.
fast forward 8 months from my thread and my DD is very much my DD again - uses she/her pronouns and identifies 100% as female. Has a lovely boyfriend and doing fabulously well at school.
all this with no interventions or assistance. We had to just ride it out but so glad I stuck to my guns and trusted my instinct.
sending hugs to anyone still struggling through this minefield.

That's such good news. Most likely if she'd been born a generation earlier it would never have occurred to her she might be a boy. Hopefully the next generation will be free of all this.

JustCollateralDamage · 14/11/2023 01:24

"Not backed up by scientific research" is fascinating. I have read the study by Littman and followed the backpedalling by Brown at the time. This was before my brother (now my trans sister) suddenly declared that he was actually a woman and had already began undertaking hormones. He was 19 and therefore free to make his own health choices.

I'm his older sister five years his senior, and lived with him until my mid-twenties in the family home. He had a serious gaming addiction and had very little social interaction, career ambitions or hobbies by his late teens.

He moved out with his girlfriend (very opinionated, belligerent, left-wing, anti-work, anti-capitalist) and two years plus covid later was telling me now realised he was trans after his girlfriend's suggestion. In my head I tried to rationalise how I could have missed this. It was just the same bias as those parents in the ROGD study I thought. He was a shy boy, maybe he just never felt safe. Dad never would have let him explore his gender! He just hid it be default. I helped him find a LGBTQIA+ counsellor that he would feel comfortable with to help explore all underlying problems.

Immediately following her transition, she experienced a rush of support and attention from her limited network of friends. She reported to me that she was being invited to more things than before. My friends who had never even MET my sister, were congratulating ME on her bravery. Within a few months she was convinced she was passing as a female despite clearly very little change in her actual physiology.

Disturbingly, she confided to me that by the time she when for her first psychiatry appointment, she'd already spent weeks researching exactly what to say to get a GD diagnosis, which has cast doubt on whether any due diligence was done into her reasons for transitioning at all. Her off-hand claim she had a twinge of subconscious GD in school is just retconning to avoid scrutiny.

Two years on, witnessing where his life as a now mid-twenty something is going, I've reassessed that view and become slowly less affirming and more watchful waiting. I bite my tongue to stay present in her life but goodness me a lot of other underlying beliefs around how she perceives gendered roles in society have become clear. It's clear she sees passing as a woman as a kind of golden ticket to an easier life, one without the expectation to be the primary breadwinner, one where she is a more sympathetic victim during personal conflicts with her friends, where overall less is expected of her by virtue of being a woman. One where, if she finds someone to look after her, she might get to sit at home all day and work on "personal projects". Its clear to me that it was once she had conviction that becoming a woman would be a silver bullet in her life that the GD set in. Like a kind of project she needs to finish. She boasted to me about her first sexual experiences with men, which were under very risky and objectifying circumstances which lead me to wonder if this wasn't all brought about by her simply, reluctantly, realising her attraction for men but feeling "icky" about the idea of being gay. I think that this is an unrealistic expectation of life as a trans woman and she is setting herself for a rude awakening in future years.

Overall, I believe I made a massive mistake in celebrating her GD revelation. I pushed along with the claim because I thought it would make me cool, and supportive and on the "right side of history".

Is ROGD a scientifically-observable phenomenon? The study has been discredited by claims of parent bias... I say, we need to just as readily discredit the bias of the trans person. Justifying the means to their own ends, they have an incentive to rewrite history and make an unfalsifiable claim of having "always known" they were trans in order to access the gender-affirming treatment they crave in that moment. Until we can trust observational studies on either side, I suppose we can only use cautionary tales like mine.

GatherlyGal · 14/11/2023 10:08

That's interesting @JustCollateralDamage

For my DD she is more determined to identify out of womanhood or being female than she is about actually being a man. For her (and many girls) it is about not wanting to be the object of male attention or maybe sexual expectations. Big baggy layers of clothes and shaggy hair to hide behind.

I guess it makes sense that for men also there are expectations that can be terrifying and identifying as a woman seems a way out of that.

Either way it is, of course, societal gender expectations we should be addressing rather than encouraging kids to cut off body parts and damage their general health with opposite sex hormones.

CowboyJoanna · 22/11/2023 22:08

Big pharma is supported financially by TRAs so any research on rogd is likely to be tweaked or censored

It is real!!

RIPDotCotton · 20/12/2023 03:19

GatherlyGal · 18/08/2022 18:47

@PewterHeart it's not very helpful telling people not to let their kid take hormones or get surgery. Mine is 18 and if that's what she wants to happen do you think I would be able to stop it?

I have done everything in my power to allow space and time and slow things down but as parents we are not necessarily in control. What I have had to do is accept that she is a separate person and that despite what I feel and despite the fact that I don't believe hormones or surgery would improve her life (quite the opposite) and despite the fact that we are close I cannot stop this happening.

It is so very hard when it is your child caught up in this. It simply does not occur to my DD that she would require my permission for anything! She's pierced ears, shaved her head, done her own tattoos etc and there is bugger all I can do!

Solidarity with anyone on this road.

I was just re-reading this thread (to make myself feel not so alone right now) and your reply stood out to me because I’m in the same position with a just turned 19 yr old who is pushing for support to start her ftm trans journey aka hormones and a double mastectomy:((( At this age, all bets are off because they are legally adults:(
I know this thread was last year- I was just wondering how you’re getting on?

GatherlyGal · 20/12/2023 06:24

Sorry to hear it @RIPDotCotton DD is 19 and still v much ID as male but we have so far resisted anything medical.

my 2 main arguments are 1. You are doing great and have a girlfriend and friends and a full life so why put your body through it. Heart problems, hair loss, weight gain, constant medical appointments etc and 2. If you want us alongside you on the journey you need to explain how exactly this will help and why it’s right. Or you need to have talked it through with a therapist.

These I think have slowed her down enough but the fact remains that when she’s low or lonely or struggling she’s still thinks transition is the answer.

A full and busy life is the best defence.

Good luck

RIPDotCotton · 20/12/2023 12:40

GatherlyGal · 20/12/2023 06:24

Sorry to hear it @RIPDotCotton DD is 19 and still v much ID as male but we have so far resisted anything medical.

my 2 main arguments are 1. You are doing great and have a girlfriend and friends and a full life so why put your body through it. Heart problems, hair loss, weight gain, constant medical appointments etc and 2. If you want us alongside you on the journey you need to explain how exactly this will help and why it’s right. Or you need to have talked it through with a therapist.

These I think have slowed her down enough but the fact remains that when she’s low or lonely or struggling she’s still thinks transition is the answer.

A full and busy life is the best defence.

Good luck

Our DD is off at college, busy, lots of friends but no dating at all so far. The problem is that I said the same thing- you need to go to therapy, and she has gone and found possibly the most trans affirming therapist she probably could have:(
So every 2 weeks her feelings are being affirmed and brought to the forefront- and then I get push back. The only thing stopping her going out and getting hormones and organizing surgery is the fact that her Dad doesn’t know and she won’t talk to him about it- and is trying to have me do it for her instead. Right now I’m refusing, saying she has to be adult enough to have these uncomfortable conversations with him but she’s getting angry and frustrated at me, accusing me of doing it deliberately to stop her moving on:( That’s partly true, and partly not.
Thanks for replying and good luck to you (and anyone else going through this he’ll right now) x

GatherlyGal · 20/12/2023 20:37

That's a shame @RIPDotCotton about the therapist. Our DD talks about getting therapy and going back to the gender clinic but never actually does anything about it.

I totally agree that she needs to be able to talk to her Dad about what she wants. That is not our job. Ours cannot really talk to us about it and for us that's part of getting our support. In a similar vein we had months and months of stand off about getting a name change deed poll. She wanted me to sort / pay for it and I just said no. If you are old enough to do it you are old enough to sort it out and pay for it!

Currently arguing about a passport application as she wants a male gender marker and the new name. I agreed to pay for it but months later the application has been rejected as she cannot provide enough evidence and they got sick of chasing. She failed to call and sort it out and is now wanting me to pay again for another application!

Struggling with the transition from child to adult is a part of this I think.

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