My son is on Grindr

[TryingNotToFreakOut]

He's 17.5. Came out about 3-4 years ago but there was no real need as we knew!

Is this a "normal" stage? I'm not going to confront him about it as he would be mortified but I know so little about it other than it's a gay hookup site and I'm concerned for him.

No judgement whatsoever as he's amazing but I've heard nothing but negatives about it.

Leave him to it?? Help!

Really good advice on here

I'd also be asking him to consider the risks of meeting people at their homes or going to their homes. Male rape is not uncommon and he'll likely be meeting men considerably older. The risks are there for a young boy. You don't want him having a nightmare that's impacts his future self.
You must have heard of the Grindr killer...while that was likely a one off..doesn't mean serial violence doesn't happen. He's not mature or experienced enough to handle those situations that are difficult - just like a daughter wouldn't be. Would you let you daughter meet a man online she didn't know for a hook up at 17. He's not invincible. Yes most people are decent but some aren't.
Really he needs a support network as others have said. College would definitely have a group. If you look online at LGBT consortium they have a directory of groups www.consortium.lgbt/member-directory/

Also really good info here

galop.org.uk/resource/hook-up-apps-and-safety/

Can he talk about it with any of your gay friends? Do you have a trusted adult that he could feel more comfortable with than talking to mum or dad about it?

Personally I'd be less worried about the mechanics of sex and more about the ruthless nature of dating apps and the way it can easily make you feel unworthy and discarded.

To be very blunt grindr is mostly used for random casual sex

wouldn’t bother about safe sex as that applies to every encounter not just Grindr

this issue is going to meet a complete stranger for sex and putting himself in a vulnerable position

As with any OLD he needs to be cautious of new profiles with no pictures
verify people by getting a mobile number and quick video call before he meets so he knows who he’s meeting
and screen shot message with details of meet

you can discuss all of these without the need to mention sex just under the guise meeting someone for a date off grindr

@Popeyeandolive yes I've heard of the Grindr killer, rare I'm sure, but my concerns are more related to the physical health and emotional health sides really.

I've said further back it's no different to my girls being on tinder, dodgy people of all sexualities out there, and I've done OLD, it's no different at my age 😣

I cannot keep tabs on him at his age, if he wants to find a way to meet men, he will, the same as I did and I'm sure my girls did. I just want to make sure he's aware of the risks and how to take care of himself in every way.

He's very negative about support groups, but thanks for the links, I'll take a look myself anyway.

@Besttobe8001 one of them has moved abroad and is much older so my son would think that, like me, he shouldn't be engaging in sex at Our Age 😉 I'm not sure about the other one, and I don't think any of our other gay friends used Grindr as they've been together years and met in social circles but I'll ask - one is my hairdresser now 😀

I am concerned about him being hurt, rejected etc or feeling worthless after sexual encounters, I know it can be a rite of passage, still horrible whatever your sexuality.

I wasn't specifically going to mention Grindr, he won't realise I know, but it could really be part of the conversation.

I do need to make sure he's taking every precaution he can though, especially as he's a year before he'll go away to uni and I'd prefer him to be into that routine before then.

It's not the same as online dating

And violence against men on their isn't as uncommon as you think, it just isn't talked about as much. Men less likely to admit that something went wrong, not least because the site is hook ups. I know lots of gay men and I'm gay.

No one is saying you're not clued up. But I'd personally be trying to discourage my son from random hook ups at 17. That's not homophobic he's not an adult. He just wouldn't be in any way mature enough. Who is at 17. That's why I sent the gallop info. It's not just going to be young men contacting him.

And yes 'support groups' aren't what I meant... there's some interest groups on there. Social groups... sport
He doesn't need a support group just real gay friends. At uni he'll have that.

@Popeyeandolive oh god yes I'm going to discourage him and no I'm not 100% clued up I'll freely admit or I wouldn't be asking on here for info and advice.

I didn't mean support group either but knew what you meant, he's just very anti the whole LGBTQ+ "scene" - thinks people should just get on with life - but he's had a rather sheltered one so far in a social/family group that so nothing but support him...he may have a shock coming to him!

But realistically if he wants to do it he will. I have to realise that and try and help him protect himself as much as I can.

Oh no, I wouldn't be happy with that. I wouldn't be happy with any 17 year old child using a site like that.

I'm sure it has been used by many men to find partners and not always just for sex.

My advice is to just make sure your DS is safe. Make sure that he tells you if he is meeting someone and where they are meeting, always have his phone with him, always meet in public at first etc. And make sure he knows that you are available to come and get him if he feels like he needs to leave.

www.insider.com/uk-grindr-scammer-who-robbed-blackmailed-victims-is-jailed-police-2022-1

www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2016/nov/23/teenager-ben-bamford-jailed-murder-civil-servant-paul-jefferies

www.standard.co.uk/news/crime/londoner-jailed-for-raping-two-men-he-met-on-a-dating-app-b956101.html

www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/cruel-grindr-gang-filmed-sex-23806019

www.ranker.com/list/stefano-brizzi-grindr-facts/april-a-taylor

www.pressandjournal.co.uk/fp/news/crime-courts/3908331/aberdeen-murder-clifford-anderson-david-bain/

www.thegayuk.com/28-crimes-against-gay-men-in-manchester-were-related-to-grindr/

www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/pervert-jailed-grindr-groomed-court-22788669

It's not just the Grindr Killer case.

It's tricky I'm sure. May not work with your son but if it were mine I'd just be showing him these links and saying.. 17..your're not old enough yet... wait till uni..by all means look at men in their pants (or without) on there or reddit or wherever but don't go meeting someone who says they're 19 but are actually 35.
I don't think a decent grown man would be interested in a 17 year old as a partner anyway so it's not a dating site really when you're not an adult. Same as straight people. Way too tricky without the experience of years away from home to filter through.

how did you find him? are you a member on there too maybe runs in the family x

Hardly, I'm a hererosexual woman 🙄

He handed me his phone to show me something and a notification banner appeared on it. Has happened several times since when he's left his phone lying around.

this is relatively normal. he's almost old enough for it anyway. have a talk with him about safe sex and make sure he isn't meeting anyone too old.

See if he’s unusually flush with money - he may be engaging in prostitution