My son is on Grindr

[TryingNotToFreakOut]

He's 17.5. Came out about 3-4 years ago but there was no real need as we knew!

Is this a "normal" stage? I'm not going to confront him about it as he would be mortified but I know so little about it other than it's a gay hookup site and I'm concerned for him.

No judgement whatsoever as he's amazing but I've heard nothing but negatives about it.

Leave him to it?? Help!

Understandably you’ll have concerns,however I’d advise a light touch, all online dating forums whether straight or gay pose a risk. Do discuss safety regard dating. Letting people know who he’s with and where he is. It’s a popular site and as you’d expect he’ll need to be savvy but being smart and safe he could have an ok time too.

Oh definitely a light touch. He's a sweet sensitive soul but he's growing up!

I'll have a safe sex safety chat, he's very bright and level headed. I'm not worried about him in that sense, just whoever he may meet!

Thank you

Totally understand why you would be worried, but try not to overthink this one. I have quite a few gay friends and pretty much all of them have been on grindr since their late teens / early 20s. This includes perfectly lovely guys hoping to meet someone special rather than just a hook-up and even fairly conservative types in committed relationships who like to occasionally 'test their market value'. Of course many are just looking for casual sex, but there's nothing wrong with that, really. My friends who use grindr are all well-adjusted, educated, successful people (lawyers, doctors, bankers, an academic, a psychologist and a chef) who may like casual sex, but it doesn't mean they're reckless (in terms of STDs or getting themselves into risky situations) or traumatised by the experience.

Support your son in maintaining good boundaries and he should be fine. Many straight dating apps aren't all that different, really.

I will disagree with the previous responses. As long as he has a clear understanding of how to handle himself then there is nothing to be concerned about here, he’s pretty much an adult and unless a back story should be able to handle his relationships and sex life as he pleases.

Thank you @WhiteHydrangeas - my only Grindr knowledge is from 2 guys, one was a recently Out previously married apparently hetero friend, who absolutely went off the rails sexually and used it like I hope my son never would! Hence my initial horror! The other was a very bright, professional young man but he still only used it for hookups and was hounded by much older guys, it didn't end well!

@Fushiadreams I absolutely get that, now the initial shock has worn off, and I've read these replies, I'm not going to mention I know, just say he must be getting to the stage where he's going to be meeting guys etc and do a safety chat as I did with both of my daughters.

I just would hate for him to be taken advantage of as he's a very trusting, kind young man. Not streetwise really. His dad is very much head in the sand over all our children's relationships so won't be on board at all, we're no longer together, but that's fine as long as he's happy to leave me to it!

Thanks all! Now to choose the moment to make him cringe and want to run away when mum starts talking about sex 😆

He’s 17 and you haven’t had this chat already?

I've heard horror stories about Grindr but then again I've heard them about tinder too.

With Grindr it does seem more about completely casual sex rather than saying although if that's what he's looking for it's fine. But he's very young and needs to exercise more caution, than perhaps if he was straight, as these are other men he will be dealing with. An acquaintance of mine contacted several boys and men on Grindr to come round on the pretence it would just be the two of them, when in fact he was deceiving everyone and had in fact organised non consensual groups sex. This would be hard for a young man to get out of, especially if the others are older. He just needs to be aware and savvy.

@Ebonyhorse after lockdown I spoke to him but he shut me down saying he wasn't interested in meeting anyone, was studying and working etc
He literally seems to have zero opportunity to meet anyone as he is at college, or work, rarely goes out other than to friends houses, all of whom are female and has lifts both ways to everything due to our location.

@miltonj yes those are the kind of issues I've been exposed to in my admittedly very limited knowledge of Grindr.

I agree re Tinder, his sister was on there but in a curiosity aspect and soon deleted her account.

If nothing else it's made me realise he's now on the cusp on wanting to meet someone for whatever he's looking for, so I'll make him listen, even if he won't discuss it, on a car journey we're having tomorrow so he's trapped!

He came out and then as he matured we were obviously in lockdown and he works and studies and not much else. I always know where he is, so it's not been an issue. Im guessing he's testing the waters to see who and what's out there but the next stage will undoubtedly be meeting.

We are in a similar situation — norm with regard to Grindr (as far as I know) but emerging into new freedoms following lockdown. I am finding “safe sex” talks very difficult. He attempts to avoid any discussion by saying “I’m not in a relationship”, “I’m not going to hook up with anyone” etc, leaving no room to discuss things such as should he have smallpox vaccine to protect against monkey pox, hepatitis A/B vaccines, how to flirt safely etc.
any suggestions from anyone?
he is intelligent and usually sensible but I think he is naive and rarely thinks ill of anyone so — to me — seems vulnerable (but I admit that could be because I haven’t yet adjusted to thinking of him as an adult…)

I don't think it's worse than any other dating site.

Does he have gay friends apart from the dating apps? From what you have said a gay social life is what he needs first, more than a gay sex life. It may not be what he thinks he wants but trying to make friends through sex is dangerous.

Gay man here.

Purely practically, Grindr terms of service are that no one under 18 is allowed to use it. He will have had to lie and put in a fake date of birth in order to register for it. So on that basis I'd want him off it until he actually turns 18, as would Grindr themselves.

Beyond that, I get that it's tricky. Gay teenagers have such a hard time of it, even now, and apps can be a handy way to meet other gay people.

Lots of gay and bi men use Grindr as a kind of catch-all dating/hookups/friendship source. Although, yes, primarily it was designed to facilitate hook-ups, and I'd say a majority of people on there are primarily focused on sex.

Thank you for your perspective “Nightmare”.
I think OP (and I and perhaps others) would welcome suggestions about how to discuss safe sex with a gay teen/young man. I know some people say it’s no different than speaking with non-gay youth but for me it does feel very different. When I try to suggest safety measures — vaccinations for Hep A/B, smallpox, perhaps PReP, etc he shuts me down and says he isn’t engaging in and won’t engage in risky relationships. That sounds naive to me, especially as I know he is tempted to (if not already) go to gay clubs, etc. he is very trusting, assumes no one would
do him any harm, inclined to believe what a potential sexual partner might say about his last, etc. The risks terrify me. I know being “terrified” is not helpful so I try not to show how worried I am — I would just like to be able to have an open dialogue with him to be sure he explores relationships safely.

any suggestions?

I'm going to be brutally frank here and say that I don't really have a definitive answer to that. I'm sorry.

Part of it is sheer lack of personal experience; my parents were both varying shades of homophobic, so I didn't have open discussions with them (about sex or anything else) when I was growing up, and I had to work it all out for myself.

To be quite honest at 18 I'd have flat-out rejected any attempt to talk about sex, safe or otherwise, with my parents. (I don't think that's unique to gay teenagers!)

In terms of personal safety — sexual and otherwise — there are some good links here. This site is set up by a charity in partnership with local NHS organisations in Kent, but the links and advice from here are general and will apply to anyone (i.e. if you don't happen to live in Kent). For example, there are links to advice resources with the Terrence Higgins Trust, the LGBT Foundation, Stonewall, Schools Out and the Proud Trust.

You might also want to have a look at FFLAG — a UK charity that supports the families and friends of LGBT people.

At a family level, I think all you can do is keep the lines of communication open, and accept that this may feel like a one-way street at the moment, and that he may not talk to you about stuff that feels a) unique to him and b) highly personal. But over the long term, he will appreciate being able to come back to you, should he need or want to.

What young gay people also need is a community of peers. Not necessarily for relationships, but simply as support and guidance and information. And friends! So perhaps there is a social group he could explore, or a hobby group that is LGBT-specific.

Thank you for the helpful suggestions.

He’s 17, he’s exploring the world, I’d let him get on with it and just emphasise the need for safety in all areas of life. If you feel you can though- and I’m sorry if someone’s mentioned this, didn’t read the full thread- have a chat with him about PrEP. It’s a game changer for gay men and getting your gay son on it is a sensible move that could save him a lot of suffering (just as getting your teenage daughter onto the pill could do!) It’s available on the NHS kn England and Wales now for free. After reading a lot about it for my job, I would absolutely get myself or a loved one on it if I were in a high risk group.

Thank you all SO much for your words and advice.
@BurnDownTheDiscoHangTheDJ I had no idea about PrEP but will most definitely talk to him about this and encourage him accessing it, as well as the safe sex/online safety aspect - he may not want to hear it and the time hasn't felt right yet due to exams and other commitments he has, but I do feel I could have a sensible discussion with him. Well, we shall see - its not quite like choosing which uni open days to attend is it 🤔
@NightmareSlashDelightful Thanks for your perspective too and I hadn't even considered that re age limits on Grindr. I only know he is on it as he was showing me clothes he has ordered on his phone and as he handed me his phone a dropdown notification from Grindr "X has tapped you" appeared, which I completely ignored. I have no idea if he realises I saw it and I had no plans to embarrass him by saying I knew about it, just use it as my opportunity to initiate these talks.
@AmaryllisNightAndDay no, all of his friends are girls and have been for many years. There were other gay boys at school but he wasn't interested in being friends with them as they were too effeminate - his words! He is quite judgemental of the whole "scene" and hates gay pride etc - his opinion is to get on with your life however you wish...I have pointed out he is relatively fortunate to have been born into the generation he has and that the big wild world out there won't always be quite as accepting of his sexual orientation 😊

Thanks again for all replies - I do feel a lot calmer after the initial shock - he is still my baby I won't deny it - but I just want him to be safe and happy, exactly as I did my daughters.

There were other gay boys at school but he wasn't interested in being friends with them as they were too effeminate - his words! He is quite judgemental of the whole "scene" and hates gay pride etc - his opinion is to get on with your life however you wish...

Non-effeminate gay men are not so obvious, so yes it will be harder for him to spot others like him. He could try finding gay men's groups for his own interests. Plus he might find that effeminate gay men share his interests too. He could have a poke about online for gay football fan groups or gay gaming groups or whatever else he likes. While bearing in mind that his age could make him a target for men whose interest in him will be more sexual than social (and maybe exploitative - there's a reason why Grindr has age limits) He could try gay youth groups, he might be surprised by who else goes.

It's not just the world out there not being accepting, it's also him being accepting of other ways to be gay besides his own. He doesn't have to be effeminate to have some things in common with effeminate gay men, any more than he has to be female to be friends with girls. Would he be embarrassed to be seen at a football match with a bloke in make-up?

@AmaryllisNightAndDay the irony is we all think he's quite effeminate!!

He's into performing arts, so I'm certain he comes across gay men in that hobby but he's very private so I'm not sure he'd say!

I'm going to have a good chat with him generally. He's not been interested before however as I said earlier in the thread, much of his more "adult" life has been in lockdown.

I can't say if Tinder works in the same way as I've never used it but he (and you) should be aware that Grindr can be used as a tracking app and has been used for gay bashings and even murders.

Going to be upfront here. Used it before both with success and not. I don't know how to be honest without making anybody uncomfortable or offending, so just a heads up:

• If he's 17.5, he's a minor, and everybody on that app should be of age, so he's likely lying to people. Tell him not to do that, both for his sake and others'. If he's exchanging pics that means somebody has CP on their phone and that's grimey AF.


• A lot of guys simply browse, exchange PG pics, chat and nothing more comes of it.


• Give him the safe sex talk, but also give him the responsible sex talk. I'm no puritan, but condoms only protect against so many diseases and oral sex seems to be exempt from condom usage (I don't think that's just a gay thing). Right now, for example, some public health organizations are too politically correct (afraid of allusion to handling of AIDs in 80s) to basically say Monkeypox has mostly been limited to men who have unprotected sex with multiple other men.


• Many gay/bi men especially around your son's age are still closeted and also present pretty straight, so chat/hook-up apps are ironically one of the main ways people dip their toe in the water so to speak. The gay scene is too extra for a lot of dudes and also requires you to be of age, so the internet provides a decent way to meet other like-minded people (though you do have to sift through a lot of garbage).

@MapleLeafMoose thank you - very little if anything offends me, I'm very open minded- he's my baby but I'm not stupid and I've a very varied sexual history!

Thanks for all of that tho - still need to have the conversation as he's had a lot on this summer.

PS what's CP!?

Child pornography, which is what a nude 17-year-old would constitute. I'm just being real here. It's extremely common among youth to the point that it's probably less common to have not seen somebody's bits by your son's age.

Oh how obvious! Sorry!

Absolutely agree it would be rare NOT to have seen naked photos and had them sent to you by a much younger age than he is, sadly.

If grown men can't stop themselves sending unsolicited dick pics after a few messages on a dating site, curious youngsters who think they invented sex are definitely going to!

Thank you - he won't see that side the same i don't think but it's still going to be part of my conversation