9 year old daughter kissing her female friend

[JoeCrackers]

I’m not sure where to even start with this so apologies if it’s muddled, I’m still trying to get my head around it.

DD is good friends with a girl in her class, I’ll call her A and seems to look up to her and copy her a bit. Just harmless stuff really like she asked for black nail varnish and a choker as A wears these and is a goth apparently. DD has always worn uniform skirt/ cardigan but recently refused to wear these and and said she wanted trousers and jumper like A wears. As I said fairly harmless, we’ve all had friends we admired/ copied when young. I just said if she liked these things too that’s fine but just to remember she didn’t have to do the exact same things as A to be friends with her and left it at that. DD uses my iPad which is linked to my phone to FaceTime her friends and last week I saw some messages they had been sending which were very mean towards another girl in their class. I spoke to DD about it and confiscated the iPad. Also spoke to A’s mum
Just to let her know and then left it at that.

Tonight as I was leaving for work I went into her room to say bye and she looked really shifty and hid her own tablet behind her back. I asked what she was doing and she wouldn’t show me, starting to get upset and saying she wasn’t allowed. Eventually she showed me and she was on some drawing app drawing the Pride flag. I asked why she was drawing it and she said it was for A. I questioned her further and she started crying said it was a secret and she couldn’t tell me and A told her not to tell me. Then she just blurted out that she was bi. I asked her what she thought that meant and she said they she liked boys and girls. Told her that was fine she had lots of friends of both sexes but she said no she likes likes them.

I was really shocked, then she said she knew because she had kissed A at school on the lips and cheek and another girl had covered them with her coat. She alternated between crying and getting angry saying you don’t support me.

I was already really late for work so I had to leave but I don’t know what to do. How seriously should I take this. Line this is a child who 100% believes that an elf is getting off the shelf and moving around our house by himself. She believes in Santa and the tooth fairy, an hour before she was playing with teddies with DS.

She begged me not to tell her Dad or A’s mum amd I don’t want to destroy her trust as I’m afraid she won’t talk to me. I know I need to have a proper talk with her but should I talk to the school as well?

Sorry it’s so long appreciate any help

@Greenfields124

"'She's too easily influenced' or maybe she does like girls! 'What she's coming out with isn't appropriate for her age' is liking girls not appropriate for her age?"

If you read what I said @terranovaa PROPERLY it should clear things up..
If it's too difficult for you to scroll up here it is
"Safeguarding is really important when it comes to young children, keeping secrets and kissing at that age is far too young WHATEVER THE SEX OF THE CHILD."

So no it's nothing to do with the fact 'she might like girls' it's that at 9 she is too young to be kissing other children.
She's a CHILD.🤦🏼‍♀️

Completely agree. I wouldn't be happy if my child was behaving like that and keeping it a secret. Definitely not.

Again.. red flag for me is a child keeping secrets. Being told to keep secrets at this age. You need to do some investigation into what she and her friend have been viewing online.

It’s not about the bi.. but red flags go up whenever someone tells a child to keep such a secret. Also “you don’t support me”. Why would your child automatically jump tk this.

When I’m working with a child that has been groomed someone has told them to keep certain things secret.

So if I were you OP I would keep a close eye on your daughter and your friend just in case they are being influenced to keep other more damaging secrets.

And yes at 9 she should not be kissing anyone. And someone putting a coat over them at school to do this… inappropriate and another red flag. This is not at all appropriate for children to behave this way.

This was posted in December….so it might all be over and done with by now?

"I believe that having crushes and kissing (in the sense of 'pecking') is somewhat normal for children 9 and over though? It was normal when I was in school for some people to like to have 'boyfriends' and sometimes they would 'kiss' which was normally a peck and nothing more inappropriate than that."

I disagree kissing on the lips at 9 isn't normal, neither is kissing with a coat over you.

Neither is being told to keep things a secret, @terranovaa you sound like you really lack the understanding of safeguarding, you think that this child being told to keep a secret by another child means nothing because a child said it..
You do realise that there is peer on peer sexual abuse in primary schools don't you? It happens, and infact it's been on the rise. Both in person and online.

I am not saying this is definitely happening here, but I am saying that the school should be notified so they are aware it has happened and can look into it themselves and make sure it doesn't happen again.

I would think it's likely there is more to this with her saying that her Mum doesn't support her, again that isn't normal language for a 9 year old.

The childs behaviour has been secretive and she's been distressed, she isn't happy, this isn't ok, and it needs dealing with.
Which I am sure OP will do.

@Greenfields124

"I believe that having crushes and kissing (in the sense of 'pecking') is somewhat normal for children 9 and over though? It was normal when I was in school for some people to like to have 'boyfriends' and sometimes they would 'kiss' which was normally a peck and nothing more inappropriate than that."

I disagree kissing on the lips at 9 isn't normal, neither is kissing with a coat over you.

Neither is being told to keep things a secret, @terranovaa you sound like you really lack the understanding of safeguarding, you think that this child being told to keep a secret by another child means nothing because a child said it..
You do realise that there is peer on peer sexual abuse in primary schools don't you? It happens, and infact it's been on the rise. Both in person and online.

I am not saying this is definitely happening here, but I am saying that the school should be notified so they are aware it has happened and can look into it themselves and make sure it doesn't happen again.

I would think it's likely there is more to this with her saying that her Mum doesn't support her, again that isn't normal language for a 9 year old.

The childs behaviour has been secretive and she's been distressed, she isn't happy, this isn't ok, and it needs dealing with.
Which I am sure OP will do.

Of course because it's a girl that she kissed and not a boy you're jumping to sexual abuse.... I think you're being over dramatic. Nowhere in the OP does it say her child was told to keep it a secret either just that she wanted to, which is quite understandable when you consider some of the reactions on this thread.

'they are aware it has happened and can look into it themselves and make sure it doesn't happen again' heaven forbid young people have crushes and do stupid innocent things!

'that isn't normal language for a 9 year old' I think it's completely normal for kids to say things like that to their parents.

'The childs behaviour has been secretive and she's been distressed, she isn't happy, this isn't ok, and it needs dealing with.' You don't know the child, she seemed distressed about her mother's reaction far more than distressed by the events. How exactly should the OP deal with this? March up to the girl in question and tell her not to kiss her daughter? How theatrical

There seems to be some projection on this thread, it's perfectly acceptable for parents to be concerned about a 9 year old child being told to keep things secrets. And yes she was by A. That would make me concerned, by a male or female child. They also should not be kissing being hidden by coats, they are 9.

"Of course because it's a girl that she kissed and not a boy you're jumping to sexual abuse...."

No this is your issue, you think that because it's a girl that all safeguarding and signs should be ignored.
And for the last time, NO the scenario OP described is not normal.

I think not ideal the whole 'don't tell your mum' but at the same time it's something kids probably say a lot more than we realise. The good thing is she did tell you anyway - be sure to praise her for that. I was a similar age when I started kissing my friends (totally innocent pecks on cheeks) and not much older when I told my mum I was a lesbian. Puberty changed that though.

I don't think I would tell school, but I would tell her that school is not for kissing and other children shouldn't be encouraging her to kiss at school. I would also tell her that no one else can tell her if she is straight, bi or lesbian and she might not even be sure herself until she's gone through puberty, but whatever she decides is fine. Tell her if other people are trying to get her to do things in secret that that is not ok and it is always ok to say no.

@ThePlantsitter

You don't need to do anything except maybe reassure your daughter that you're pleased she talked to you. This is just kids messing about with kissing and sexual feelings and really absolutely nothing to worry about. The only think I would say to her is that no one should tell her to keep secrets from you in general just from a safety point of view - but in this case it doesn't sound like that's an issue. Make sure you don't give her a reason to keep them!

This. With bells on.

You don't really need to have a "Talk", other than simply reassuring her that you are there and she can always talk to you about anything, and that these are all perfectly normal feelings.

The less of a big deal you make of this, the better.

She's not "far too young to be kissing anyone". Kids experiment and yes sometimes they do kiss each other, and at that sort of age it will all be very innocent. I honestly would not worry.

I caught my 9 year old kissing her female friend. I freaked out, what should i do? IS This normal, why did she do this

I think 9 is very young to be kissing anyone. From the way she reacted it sounds like she’s not emotionally mature enough to deal with the feelings around this. I would keep an eye on the friendship, the girl doesn’t sound like a good influence on her, especially if your daughter has started to copy her - that suggests an uneven power dynamic and the girl could take advantage of this. If my DD said she was bi at 9 I wouldn’t take her seriously, I’m not assuming she’s going to be straight but I really don’t think any child knows what sexuality they are at 9, especially if they haven’t started puberty yet