9 year old daughter kissing her female friend

[JoeCrackers]

I’m not sure where to even start with this so apologies if it’s muddled, I’m still trying to get my head around it.

DD is good friends with a girl in her class, I’ll call her A and seems to look up to her and copy her a bit. Just harmless stuff really like she asked for black nail varnish and a choker as A wears these and is a goth apparently. DD has always worn uniform skirt/ cardigan but recently refused to wear these and and said she wanted trousers and jumper like A wears. As I said fairly harmless, we’ve all had friends we admired/ copied when young. I just said if she liked these things too that’s fine but just to remember she didn’t have to do the exact same things as A to be friends with her and left it at that. DD uses my iPad which is linked to my phone to FaceTime her friends and last week I saw some messages they had been sending which were very mean towards another girl in their class. I spoke to DD about it and confiscated the iPad. Also spoke to A’s mum
Just to let her know and then left it at that.

Tonight as I was leaving for work I went into her room to say bye and she looked really shifty and hid her own tablet behind her back. I asked what she was doing and she wouldn’t show me, starting to get upset and saying she wasn’t allowed. Eventually she showed me and she was on some drawing app drawing the Pride flag. I asked why she was drawing it and she said it was for A. I questioned her further and she started crying said it was a secret and she couldn’t tell me and A told her not to tell me. Then she just blurted out that she was bi. I asked her what she thought that meant and she said they she liked boys and girls. Told her that was fine she had lots of friends of both sexes but she said no she likes likes them.

I was really shocked, then she said she knew because she had kissed A at school on the lips and cheek and another girl had covered them with her coat. She alternated between crying and getting angry saying you don’t support me.

I was already really late for work so I had to leave but I don’t know what to do. How seriously should I take this. Line this is a child who 100% believes that an elf is getting off the shelf and moving around our house by himself. She believes in Santa and the tooth fairy, an hour before she was playing with teddies with DS.

She begged me not to tell her Dad or A’s mum amd I don’t want to destroy her trust as I’m afraid she won’t talk to me. I know I need to have a proper talk with her but should I talk to the school as well?

Sorry it’s so long appreciate any help

How old is your DD, it's hard to tell but she sounds too young to be kissing anyone really, regardless of gender.

However, any feelings she has are clearly real to her and it sounds like she was scared / worried to tell you which is a bit of an issue in itself so you probably don't want to come down too heavy.

Perhaps she's been largely influenced by things she's heard or seen, or by A....or, perhaps, her feelings are real but maybe you could just tell her that whilst you support and value her feelings, she's too young at the moment to be getting involved like that with anyone and can see how she feels in a few years?

You don't need to do anything except maybe reassure your daughter that you're pleased she talked to you. This is just kids messing about with kissing and sexual feelings and really absolutely nothing to worry about. The only think I would say to her is that no one should tell her to keep secrets from you in general just from a safety point of view - but in this case it doesn't sound like that's an issue. Make sure you don't give her a reason to keep them!

I think my approach would be:

A) she’s young. Her feelings may change as she grows up, as may A’s, so she needs time to learn about herself before making any decisions about what she will look like as an adult. She may feel all sorts of things, and that’s fine.

B). While she’s entitled to a private life, and she doesn’t have to tell you anything, if she feels anything is a secret and she can’t tell you, or especially if anyone tells her it’s a secret and can’t tell you, then that a sign the secret isn’t a good one and she should think about telling an adult.

C). You don’t care if she grows up straight, bi or gay, you will support her and welcome any partners. However it’s probably a good idea to hold off from the kissing, boys or girls, until secondary school at the earliest. Especially while she’s feeling so confused.

I think as PPs have said, just reassure her you are glad she talked to you, you are always here for her to talk to, and now and as she gets older, it's fine for her to like boys, girls, both or neither.

I wouldn't specifically say 'you might change your mind' because that might feel to her that you aren't OK with it. Some adults looking back knew they were gay or bi at 9, but it's youngish so in her case who knows.

I don't think there's a reason for you to speak to A's mum (there's nothing to tell really), or your husband (it's girl stuff) for now.

these ideas have to come from somewhere so I would be curious where from: from A or she saw something online or they discussed something at school. It would be my first direction of digging.

And I’ve meant that she’s too young for kissing and clearly upset about it so it looks like something going on.

... I would however keep an eye on this friendship - not separate them, just keep an eye - and make sure your daughter continues to see other friends a lot. The friend sounds perhaps closer to puberty than your DD, and you want your DD to know that everyone can move at their own pace.

The 'you don't support me' stands out for me; that's quite an abstract phrase for a 9 year old. I would be gently trying to find out if she is hearing these words elsewhere. Hope you can get to the bottom of things 👍

DD uses my iPad which is linked to my phone to FaceTime her friends and last week I saw some messages they had been sending which were very mean towards another girl in their class. I spoke to DD about it and confiscated the iPad
This is the part I'm mostly worried about. It sounds as though these girls are egging each other into trouble. The flag and LGBT stuff I wouldnt have even questioned or pushed on, she is still so young. I would just be worried about too much too soon with an intense relationship and kissing at this age, regardless of sex, and be talking to her about boundaries etc.

Ooh, I meant regardless of the other person's sex!

She seems very easily influenced and I'd focus more on that and helping her be more confident and independent.

Her feelings are big, confusing and scary to her at that age and she will explore her sexuality later as she matures and learns what that means.

Her brain is still developing, she doesn't grasp bisexuality beyond the label yet.

Give her a cuddle and let her know you'll love her even if she decides to marry an onion and change name to Poot.

she said she knew because she had kissed A at school on the lips and cheek and another girl had covered them with her coat.

I would be having a conversation with school. This isn't appropriate behaviour for school whether it be with her best girl friend or a boy.

This sounds more like teenage behaviour and language than a 9 year old?

Thanks to everyone who’s replied , all your advice is really helpful. My biggest fear is that if she thinks she can’t trust me she won’t talk to me anymore so I’ll won’t tell her dad or A’s mum.

If it turns out she is bi or gay I’m fine with that but as a pp said she is far too young to be kissing anyone and definitely not at school asking other friends to hide them. I do think A is ahead of her in terms of maturity so I do worry she’s just going along with this because she looks up to her. She said that A told her that she (DD) was bi
I also don’t like that she’s telling her she has to keep secrets and not tell me things.

I will definitely keep a closer eye on what she is looking at online and make sure she keeps up other friendships as well

Hmm I’m not sure. I have a 10 year old boy and can’t imagine him behaving in this way but he’s still in the mindset that there is no way he would have a girlfriend and finds kissing disgusting.

I think it’s different for our children compared to how it was for us growing up. Apparently gay/bi/trans is soo much more acceptable in teenagers and almost cool (from what I’ve heard). Back in my day I don’t know of anyone openly gay or bi in school.

What parental restrictions do you have on her tablet etc?
I would be concerned that maybe she is getting ideas from tik tok etc, as she seems too young to fully understand what she is saying.
However I think you need to make sure your message to DD is kind, supportive and tell her it doesn't matter to you whether she is straight, bi or gay.

@LadyMonicaBaddingham that stick out for me as well. She went from being upset and crying to angry and saying that, really don’t think she would have come out with that herself, she’s gotten it from somewhere.

@FartSock5000 she’s definitely very confused, A told her to keep it a secret but she still blurted it out to me. I hate that she’s going to be upset and worried and feel caught between her friend and me

@LynetteScavo my initial reaction was to speak to the school, my only fear was that if she knew she’d never tell me anything again

I would be really concerned at a nine year old kissing somebody of either sex. Its not usual. I would certainly consider raising the issue with the school. And I wouldn't be sworn to secrecy either. The fact that she doesn't want you to tell anyone means she knows there is something not right about it. I would say it's a safe guarding issue.

@User9911. Actually i think if I suggested kissing a boy I think she’d be horrified. Her and her other friends tease about boys on their class but it’s all very innocent and age appropriate.
This just feels so different and secretive.

She said she thought something and then A explained it to her and she realised she is bi.

I think she really looks up to A amd wants to be like her and she is confusing this

@trumpisagit I’ve taken tik tok off her iPad, but will need to look at what else she is searching.

Really didn’t expect to be dealing with this kind of thing at this age. She is still so young in most other ways I know she really has no idea what she is saying.

I’m really worried about A’s influence but don’t want to tell DD to stay away as that would probably have the opposite effect.

If she had just said she had kissed her to see what it was like or something I wouldn’t be so worried but it’s the saying she’s bi and keeping about the pride flag and keeping it a secret that has me so worried

I think 9 is when kids start having "boyfriends" and writing love letters etc isn't it. In a very innocent hand holding, friends passing messages etc sort of way.

I wouldn't be worried.

Is she a young age 9 in year 4 or an old age 9 in year 5? I don't think a kiss between friends (of whatever sex) in the playground is too worrying but I'd be more concerned about some of the other behaviours that seem rather grown up. I have a y4 9yo who despite having teenage siblings and being quite aware of different sexualities (lesbian aunties) no interest in a romantic relationship has ever been even slightly stated. I'd be a bit concerned about how your DDs friend seems to be far more adult than you'd expect even for a y5. And the bullying of the other girl is worrying and I'd let school know what you found and what controls you've put in place to prevent it happening.

With a 9 yo I'd make it clear that she can marry whoever she wants when she's a grown up, and be friends with whoever she wants, but she should never ask anyone to lie for her and she should never lie for anyone else. And that at 9 she's still far too young to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend (I'm still telling my 14 yo not to think about it till 16!) but that if she and her friend both want to kiss each other on the cheek it's OK to experiment and find out what that feels like.

@JaninaDuszejko we’re in Scotland so she’s in P5, she was 9 in June. I’d probably say she’s youngish and definitely since lockdown i felt that she’d even regressed a bit, just becoming more cling to me and even a bit babyish sometimes. That’s why this has shocked me so much.

Her friend has always seemed a bit older than all the other classmates, doesn’t take part in a lot of things like Christmas jumper day/ Halloween etc as she thinks they are babyish. When DD told her that I was going to tell her mum about the mean messages they were sending about the other girl she said meh that she didn’t care whereas DD was distraught and seemed genuinely sorry.

She’s an only child and seems to spend most evenings in her room by herself on her tablet. DD is only allowed FaceTime for a little while but A seems to be on it all night. Her mum seems really nice I don’t know her very well, not sure if I should speak to her or not

I think I’d be slightly worried about who is influencing A as she sounds like she is ahead of her years and telling DD to keep secrets.

From DDs point of view, just love and acceptance and clear body boundaries. You sound like you are doing everything right OP. I’d be gently encouraging other friendships too.

@Bettybantz thank you for that, right now I feel like a failure. I think it’s probably a lot of Tik Tok to be honest, I know A watches a lot of it. Her mum and dad are a wee bit older and maybe not very clued up on technology I think, with regards to monitoring her internet usage

Before I went to work tonight DD had asked if she could FaceTime A and I said no, just because she’d been on her tablet already for a while and she got really upset saying she’d promised her she would and she had to. I think she is just completely in thrall to her but definitely the secrecy is very worrying. I’m concerned for A too, she’s obviously dealing with some big feelings herself