Parents of trans teenagers?

[Cantbelieveitsnotbetter]

So when my 16 yr old came out as trans to us early this year, I thought I would venture on to Mumsnet to see if there were any other parents going through the same experience.
I haven't posted much over the years on here and hadn't looked at chat for a good while, so now realise I was a bit naive in thinking that I would find advice or calm discussion on this topic.
Every single thread I have read in the sex and gender discussion category is from gender critical or LGB Alliance supporters and they are a little bit hostile to trans people to put it mildly.

So I was just wondering if there were any brave souls out there willing to have a more neutral discussion, especially if you have a child going through this at the moment.

I'm probably being naive again to think this is possible in the current climate but there we are. And to anyone thinking of posting gender critical views in response to this, I have read your views at great length on many other threads, so I'm good thanks.

Op, thankfully this has been moved to the correct section. MNHQ have said repeatedly that posters aren't allowed to derail threads here with yet another trans debate, if anyone tries to do so then just report it and it will be deleted.

Its only fair we have one space on this site for us parents to discuss our children without odd people demanding to know where our children go to the toilet etc. We shouldn't have to fuck off to FB, we are also parents, and this is a parenting site.

My child is now an adult, but came out as trans when they were pretty young although we didn't know what that really meant at the time as trans children were practically unheard of back then.

Always happy to have a discussion with other parents.

@Cantbelieveitsnotbetter My stepdaughter is also 16 and trans. Happy to have a chat :-)

Welcome @Cantbelieveitsnotbetter glad you're in the right place now. It's an absolutely overwhelming and confusing journey for everyone involved. Know that you will all make mistakes, have things to learn, have highs, have lows and everything in between. It's so lovely to hear that your teen is slowly coming out of their shell. Are they involved in any youth groups? Perhaps this would be a good way of finding new friends with like minded interests who will get to know your teen for who they actually are.

Thanks ABC, Clouds and BitterPeach. Nice to read friendly posts!

I have tried suggesting groups to her but shyness prevails. Will keep asking though. Actually she has lots of friends who just accept her without question. Her generation don't seem to have the same hang ups thankfully.

I guess I just don't quite know how to handle coping with the dysphoria whilst knowing how long it will be till she gets any treatment of any description.

Also she has bought clothes which aren't necessarily gender specific but are definitely more 'flamboyant' but she isn't brave enough to wear them. I guess that just takes time and I definitely don't want to push in any way. What are your experiences with them changing the way they dress?

It would be really nice and refreshing if we could talk about our trans kids without being lectured and preached to.
Without seeing the same tired messages again and again.

Having a trans kid isn't just about puberty blockers and toilets, I'm not saying they are not important and relevant but there is so much that I for one would love to talk about.

I really hope the op has started something positive here .

I'm not entirely sure what kind of responses you're hoping for @Cantbelieveitsnotbetter, but I will post as a parent of a trans identifying teen, that I am horrified by my child's identification.

Whilst I am fully supportive of my child's choices, that does not override or overcome my fears and worries for their physical and mental health. I do not believe in gender theory and do not think that changing their gender will be the solution to any of my child's issues.

But I am supportive and although it feels coerced, I go along with name changes, pronoun changes, denying my own truth in favour of my child's beliefs. Because I want my child to be happy.

Am I struggling with their transitioning? Yes. Do I think the concept of gender transitioning is a good thing? Fuck no, it will cause more harm than good in my opinion.

What issues do you want to discuss or share, as parents of trans teens? Are you imagining that we all want to compare binder purchases? Or the effects of testosterone on our daughters? Lucky you that your child is not yet at the stage of medication or surgery.

Perhaps it's different, raising a son than a daughter. I certainly had no issues with my daughter wearing trousers rather skirts, having a short hairstyle rather than long tresses, because I'm fine with saying fuck gender stereotypes, you do you.

What I'm not fine with is screwing around with biology and unnecessary medication and surgery. I'm very risk averse to fucking with a perfectly functioning body. It is possible to be one of the "GC crowd" and a loving parent - fucking difficult, but necessary in my case.

I really hope the op has started something positive here

Sure, the positive for me is that my child hasn't killed themselves yet (for many number of issues, not just their trans identity).

But what positives are there to gender ideology and transitioning? I see nothing but the physical harm they're doing to themselves and the mental harm when physical transitioning will not free them from their mental health issues. Where are the benefits to this ideology?!?

oxalisRed
That sounds really difficult and I do understand how you feel. I am definitely following the - one day at a time- philosophy and crossing each bridge etc.

I also hate the idea of unnecessary medication or surgery but I also am pragmatic when it comes to comparing which is worse - a miserable, potentially suicidal son, or a happy biologically altered daughter. I don't expect that transitioning will solve all her problems magically, but I have read many accounts of those who have, who feel right for the first time and live a happy life and aren't tormented by their own bodies any more.

I feel that if my child is desperate enough to contemplate all that, when she is terrified of a check up at the dentist, I will need to be brave too, should that time come.

To be clear, my child is male to female trans and I am using her preferred pronouns.

I am definitely following the - one day at a time- philosophy and crossing each bridge etc.

I also hate the idea of unnecessary medication or surgery but I also am pragmatic when it comes to comparing which is worse - a miserable, potentially suicidal son, or a happy biologically altered daughter.

Yes, we're both faced with an impossible situation - suicidal child or transitioning. And you're right, maybe for some people, physically changing themselves in such drastic ways will relieve mental health issues and they will be happier - but as I've said, I'm naturally risk averse and am worrying that it will not be the solution upon which my child is pinning their hopes.

But it's not really much of a choice, is it? For us parents or for the teens themselves. I fear it's a false hope that our teens are being sold and I hate those peddling this idea that transitioning, changing your gender, will be what makes you "feel right".

My daughter is trans op and I totally understand how hard it can be to find an understanding voice.

And just to counter what you might find on here,

My daughter has been openly trans for more than two years now and we have never come across anyone that has been anything but supportive IRL.

I am glad that your child is showing signs of happiness OP. However, what mental health support do they have?

While you have mentioned you feel that Bayswater was trying to persuade parents that their children are mistaken and treatment shouldn't be advised., maybe understand that ultimately they are also advising for explorative approaches to under if there is an underlying concern for gender dysphoria. So that can be treated first.

I would hope they are outlining that this needs to be done by a neutral provider. As there are studies indicating that that is the best approach.

I don’t have direct experience, I just started researching this because my teen was only one of two people in a group of 7 who declared themselves trans during lockdown.

I have two friends who have used Bayswater to understand their child’s situation better. One of them commented that they felt Mermaids was written for male transitioners by adult male transitioners. They found it off putting for their needs. Particularly in identifying the needs past that sometimes euphoric stage that they noticed in their children.

Anyway, you might want to also ask MNHQ to remove your thread completely from the Feminist Chat section as it is appearing in both at the moment.

Good luck.

@snoopdoggydog

And just to counter what you might find on here,

My daughter has been openly trans for more than two years now and we have never come across anyone that has been anything but supportive IRL.

That's good to hear. That has also been our experience so far, it's just in the media/social media that there seems to be a problem.

Can I ask what your experience has been in accessing treatment, if that's the route you and your daughter have chosen?

@Cantbelieveitsnotbetter

Anyway I am not going to waste any more time arguing with the GC crowd. I acknowledge the roller coaster ride that this experience is, but am also feeling surprised at the moments of happiness I feel as my mtf teenager slowly, tentatively chips away at her shell. She is very shy and it takes her a lot of courage to even take baby steps.

We are nowhere near her getting any treatment, but the things I thought would be difficult strangely aren't and she has received so much family support, it's really helping. I feel like I am getting to meet her properly and it's all really surprising.
That sounds a bit gushy, and believe me there are horrible days when the dysphoria is raging but I guess it's good to acknowledge the positive too.

I understand exactly how you feel OP. My daughter is also m2f trans. Before she came out we had about 3 years of rages, anger, punching walls, throwing things, running away, shutting out the world.

We had CAMHS and SS intervention, I paid for private counselling. At one point we were discussing her living with grandparents as we were struggling to cope constantly. I even had to give up my job as she refused school for 2 full years.

FF and she came out to us 2 years ago. Seeing her blossom and grow in confidence makes us as so much happier. It was like she had flicked a switch. She is so lovely to be around now, I mean she's 17 so obviously there is still the occasional argument and I am constantly having to retrieve cups and glasses from her room but she is happy now. She's also at college and is being "herself" rather than hiding away all the time.

We are trying to get her in for some specific gender identity counselling but the pandemic has made the wait so long.

Just keep supporting her, that's what we are here for. I always tell her that if she wanted to identify as a blue spotted elephant I would always have her back 😂

@Nowayhozay

It would be really nice and refreshing if we could talk about our trans kids without being lectured and preached to. Without seeing the same tired messages again and again.

Having a trans kid isn't just about puberty blockers and toilets, I'm not saying they are not important and relevant but there is so much that I for one would love to talk about.

I really hope the op has started something positive here .

I totally agree. I have a 25 year old trans son. I would love to speak to like minded parents.

SpookyScarySkeletons

Yes!! Thanks so much. I can relate to your story completely. My daughter was so shut off from us, with little communication and it was awful. Then there would be the explosions of anger and lashing out. I had no idea what was going on but put it down to puberty.

So it's lovely now when I can see that the little steps forward make her feel so much better. This weekend it was a haircut and she has been so happy with it.

I couldn't do anything but support her and like I said, it doesn't feel wrong or difficult to do that. She is also on a waiting list but we have organised private counselling which is definitely helping too. That's the difficult part isn't it, the huge waiting list to get seen, that's when I start to feel panicky.

She also is at sixth form college and they have been great so I feel grateful for her experience in the world so far.

I know there are many hurdles to come but all I can do is focus on each step and it really helps to hear others' stories, so thank you xx

It’s so lovely to hear about your daughter and how her mental health and well-being has improved since she began transitioning 😊 nothing more to say than that really, apart from good luck to you both on this journey!

Labracadabradoodle Nowayhozay

Let's do it! This is just as much our space as anyone else's.

When this thread was in the wrong place in the feminism section, (I am definitely a feminist btw!) the gender critical crowd were saying that Mumsnet was the only place they could discuss their views. This is not my experience as I seem to hear plenty from them on Twitter, and definitely often on the BBC. But anyway as I said, this is a parenting forum and I came for a discussion with other parents, so feel we should definitely be able to talk freely.

I would love to hear more about your kids and their experiences. When did they come out to you?

@BigHeartyTruffle

It’s so lovely to hear about your daughter and how her mental health and well-being has improved since she began transitioning 😊 nothing more to say than that really, apart from good luck to you both on this journey!

Thank you so much 😘

@steppemum

well mn, well done you have done it again.

I also have kids who are trans. 2 actually.

I am GC and have talked and discussed that at length on many feminist threads.

But as a mum it is bloody hard. It is terrifying to worry about things like them chosing surgery when they are only 18 etc.
OP has come on to ask about support as a mum, and straight away mn feels the need to launch the full GC agenda.

WE KNOW.
You don't have to rehash it again. How about just shutting up for 5 bloody minutes and allow a parent to talk about the worries and practicalities of being a parent of a trans teen, with out jumping down their throat and adding the whole of society's issues to the pot.

Where is the support mn?

If I was a mum struggling with feeding my baby, and was feeding formula, anyone who comes on says 'you should be breastfeeding' gets short shrift and told to be supportive, and this isn't the time or the place.

But on this one issue, vipers on mn just cannot help themselves and feel the need to preach the GC view.

sorry OP, give up. You won't get support here.
PM me if you like

Well said. How about just shutting up for 5 bloody minutes and allow a parent to talk about the worries and practicalities of being a parent of a trans teen, with out jumping down their throat and adding the whole of society's issues to the pot.

Especially this bit. It's fucking horrible on here.

DD (m2f) never really 'came out' to us, as she had been showing interest in changing sex honestly from a fairly young age and often said she wanted to be a girl. When she was younger we didn't encourage or discourage it as we assumed it wouldn't continue in later life.

When she was around 12 she started requesting to wear 'girls' clothes at home and to grow her hair longer and made it very clear she felt like a girl. At this point we were referred to GIDs where she had counselling sessions.

12 to 15 was quite difficult as she was very depressed due to her disappointment in not being born a girl and also faced severe bullying at school. During this time she requested for us to call her a new name and at around 15 she 'came out' in school. She continued to have counselling and it was made clear during these sessions that she didn't have to change anything about herself in order to wear 'girls' clothes or enjoy more stereotypical female activities.

After 4 years of meetings at GIDS she was put forward for hormone blockers at 16, however due to Covid and the legal issues GIDS were facing it was put on hold. It is beginning to start up again now but it is a long process unfortunately.

She's now in sixth form and has made a great group of friends who have always accepted her being trans and is much happier. She's looking forward to the next stages of treatment but unfortunately it is a timely and frustrating process.

BitterPeach

Thanks so much for sharing your daughter's story. It really helps.
I'm really sorry she was bullied, that must have been heartbreaking. It's great that she has those supportive friends now, I have found that to be invaluable for my daughter.

The wait for access to treatment is agonising. We are looking at 4 years now just to be seen for a first appointment. The representation in the media of kids being rushed into treatment is very far from our experience and causes so much distress. As you say, that court case didn't help.

Actually as a practical point, does anyone have experience of starting out on the children's GIDS waiting list then transferring to the adults? Do you just go back to the end of the queue? It seems as though my daughter will definitely turn 18 before she is seen?

Thanks again Bitter and I have my fingers crossed for your daughter getting the treatment she needs soon.

We did end up involving the police for the bullying as it continued outside of school too, but thankfully that's in the past now and as you said a group of supportive friends makes so much difference. I'm really glad your daughter has this!

I agree the media representation of children being given puberty blockers at 10 or hormones at an early age is so far from our experiences its laughable!

Although the therapy/counselling at GIDS has been really great we are currently considering private treatment for blockers/hormones. Under the NHS DD will have to be on puberty blockers for a year before she can have any hormones, yet she already has many of the changes she would want the blockers to pause (facial hair, voice changes etc). We have been in talks for over a year now about blockers yet nothing has happened due to a combination of covid/court rulings and staff issues. Its looking like it might cost £50 - £100 per month which is probably doable for us but I understand that it probably isn't for many.

In terms of transfer to adult services we've been told that DD cannot be even put on the waiting list for adult services until she is 17 in a couple of months. From what I understand that waiting list is also extremely long. I know our situation is slightly difference but we've got a GIDS appointment in a few weeks time and I'm planning to ask some more questions about this so I'll update if I get any answers :-)

I'm glad your daughter is starting to feel better and little steps like a haircut can make all the difference! With the clothes I think it can take a while to find the confidence to wear them, DD starting occasionally wearing different clothes at home, to full time at home and then eventually outside the house. It can take them a while to find their feet but its sounds like you're doing an amazing job supporting her :-)

BitterPeach

Thanks, we're all doing our best aren't we.

Useful info about the cost of blockers. I actually thought it would be more than that. It sounds like our daughters are exactly the same age. I will be asking for her to go on the adult waiting list in January too, but yes, any updates you have about that would be interesting.

The voice and facial hair is so difficult for them isn't it? Just my one's luck that she is the only 16yr old I know able to grow a full beard, poor thing. I blame her mother father! 😉

Cantbelieveitsnotbetter thanks for starting this thread. So helpful

We are in the thick of it and it is so hard. I've found a few helpful and supportive groups. One local 'nn real-life' and 2 equally real but virtual!

Wait for services is so long!

It's so hard.