What to do about cross-dressing DS - now identifies as trans? *title edited by MNHQ at OP's request*

[WoIsMe]

My 14-year-old DS has been taking my underwear to wear. I tried to have a conversation with him about it and explained that cross-dressing is perfectly normal and nothing to be ashamed of (as he seemed very upset that I knew what he was doing.) He won’t talk about it at all. I’m not really comfortable with him taking my clothes. Is there anything in particular I can do to support him or get him to open up to me?

Tricky situation and a tricky age! Sounds like you’re a very supportive and understanding mum
Maybe ask him if he wants you to buy anything for him?

Do you think he would talk to someone else about this OP?

It sounds very much like something that should be explored in a responsible way, not encouraging it and not ignoring it.

He has chosen your underwear so this would imply possibly, the early development of a sexual fetish, it wasn't a jumper or leggings. It's quite specific and well....weird. What could be at the root of this?

He's obviously deeply embarrassed. This is very tricky to navigate. Do you think you could talk to a professional about it?

I wondered about that Jizzonmy. Initially when it first happened, I decided I shouldn’t encourage him by buying female clothes for him when it might just be an exploration (he had recently watched a film with drag queens in) or a temporary phase. But it’s been at least two years now. Also I’m slightly concerned that he might end up stealing clothes from his female friends if the urge to crossdress is so strong. It would certainly be easy enough for me to buy him a couple of things if he’s comfortable enough to tell me what he would like.

I don’t know who else he could talk to OhHolyJesus. I don’t think he has told any of his friends, perhaps his boyfriend but I don’t know them personally as it’s a long-distance relationship. So only DH and myself know. DS could talk to his older brother about it but he hasn’t so far. DS doesn’t have any behaviour issues or depression so I don’t know how easy it would be to access a psychologist or psychiatrist. I could ask the school whether there’s someone he could talk to but without giving them any details. I would have to check whether DS actually wants to talk to a stranger about it.

I wouldn't suggest speaking to the school. This is beyond their remit and something that might turn into a 'gender identity' issue where they socially transition him.

I wondered if he could talk to a professional in term of therapy. I would think someone with professional training in helping teens and someone outside of the family would be best placed.

You could look for help from Bayswater, Thoughtful Therapists (James Caspian or Stella O Malley).

Do you know what he has access to online?

@OhHolyJesus

Do you think he would talk to someone else about this OP?

It sounds very much like something that should be explored in a responsible way, not encouraging it and not ignoring it.

He has chosen your underwear so this would imply possibly, the early development of a sexual fetish, it wasn't a jumper or leggings. It's quite specific and well....weird. What could be at the root of this?

He's obviously deeply embarrassed. This is very tricky to navigate. Do you think you could talk to a professional about it?

This. Has he even admitted to being a cross dresser op? Sneaking out a nice outfit or dress to try on and then putting it straight back before anyone notices is normal for cross dressers. Stealing and keeping your mums used knickers is not.

@WoIsMe

I would buy him some and leave them for him.
Also I think the Beaumont society could help with advice.

i think id put a lock on my bedroom door if one of my kids was stealing my underwear to take to bed, and be having words about boundaries rather than working out how best to support this.
It would be better if he could have his own money to buy his own pants in whatever style he wanted, but to steal yours to do god knows what with is not just about cross dressing is it.

The Beaumont Society? Really?

Wow.

OP, please do some research before making contact with orgs suggested here. I apply that to my suggestions too.

You can Google Beaumont Society and Mumsnet and find long threads explaining their background and reason for being.

He certainly doesn't need to see a psychiatrist!

Are you sure that it is only your underwear that he is wearing?
Would he have the opportunity to try other things if he wanted to?

Any history of this kind of thing growing up ?

Underwear and nightwear are easy things for young closet cross dressers to access and wear without anyone knowing.

You need to try and work out if this is simply a teen with a fetish for underwear, in which case I think you should probably be firm and explain that your underwear and anyone else's is out of bounds.

If you feel its deeper than that then maybe buy him some suitable age appropriate underwear or nightwear, the kind of things he can wear without drawing attention to himself.
You really need a good chat to establish what he really feels.
Maybe chat to him about things whilst you are out shopping, see how he reacts, what things he is taking an interest in.

You are probably the person he will find this easiest to share with as long as he feels he has your support.

Things have moved on drastically today with my child coming out as trans with a new name and she/her pronouns although apparently they/them are also acceptable if people aren’t comfortable using she/her.

@WoIsMe

Things have moved on drastically today with my child coming out as trans with a new name and she/her pronouns although apparently they/them are also acceptable if people aren’t comfortable using she/her.

Wow.
That's a big change in attitude over 3 days !

Not wanting to talk about cross dressing to coming out as Trans a couple of days later !

I'm not surprised at the announcement or the rapid progression.

It could be in response to the embarrassment of stealing your underwear but I would think very carefully about supporting a social transition.

For example you will need to consider what will happen at school and if this new 'identity' means your child should use the girls toilets and change with the girls for PE. You mentioned a concern about stealing clothes from female friends, so you must be concerned about boundaries.

If your child requests puberty blockers please look at all the studies (and even the threads on MN) which detail the affect on bone density rather than follow what Mermaids and similar lobby groups insist is a safe 'pause button' (even Dr Polly Carmichael, head of the NHS Gender Identity Development Service, admits that this is not accurate).

Here is the Cass review

cass.independent-review.uk/

And perhaps also this

4thwavenow.com/2017/12/07/gender-dysphoria-is-not-one-thing/

There is much to consider and I would encourage you to do lots of research before proceeding too far as even socially transitioning can be dangerous. For me a child should always be able to change his or her mind and be told that even though they might feel a certain way or like wearing certain things you cannot change sex.

Your child will never have a period or get pregnant and the basis of this sounds very much like a sexual fetish developing from an early sexual experience, possibly porn, possible sissy porn, possibly influenced by online social media or even peers in school.

As the number of Detransitioners is growing and many talk about the speed at which they were affirmed and treated medically, inc surgery, I would urge caution and look at long term, unbiased talking therapy options.

fb.watch/5ShS0YILZz/

www.facebook.com/867420437/posts/10165279642945438/?d=n

Why have you told him it’s normal to cross-dress and take your underwear. It isn’t.

For more on detransitioners including the recent story from Garrett and surgery regret...

www.womenarehuman.com/trans-activists-angry-about-60-minutes-story-on-detransitioners/?fbclid=IwAR2ujjjN8NNw-QJHVcqFLx1Fyhi8iaTRgnnpgySJ4lbCrmVCnDBm1IeegFU

Thanks for all the information, OhHolyJesus I think I’m fairly well informed. I certainly don’t want any irreversible steps towards a physical transition to happen at this stage. At least Keira Bell’s case has made the process of prescribing puberty blockers more involved compared to what some of the detransitioners describe.

MurderSheTyped I thought cross-dressing was a fairly common fetish. My child was so ashamed and upset at being found out that my first thoughts were to be understanding and comforting.

What a challenging situation.
Rupert Everett is interesting on this subject. A gay man who is open about the fact that he liked to wear his mother's clothes and wanted to be female. Now happy as a male and glad that in his day there was not such a pressure to be trans. He's given various interviews on the subject. Maybe ask your DS what he thinks of Rupert Everett's point of view? Wouldn't it be more cool to have a beautiful cross-dressing male body like Rupert's than go trans and end up on hormones, medication, botched surgery etc.

Can I ask how you intend to handle this OP.

Obviously it now a completely different scenario to your original question.

I'm relieved OP, there are still very powerful orgs extolling the benefits of the medical pathway and perpetuating the "born in the wrong body" myth.

Keira's case faces a second challenge in court so puberty blockers are still accessible at varying speeds of assessment is my understanding, it also depends on where you live.

Hopefully if you can access some talking therapy, instil the truth that you cannot change your sex and avoid going to the Dr who will probably affirm, you can side-step a very damaging process throughout his puberty and with luck he will 'desist' but with his reproductive anatomy intact.

I feel for your son. The gender non conforming men - from Adam Ant, Boy George to David Bowie etc - I saw growing up helped to give examples of how to be free and be yourself but the pressure on boys (and girls) growing up these days is immense. He can wear what he wants but he can never be female, he should be free to express himself but not impose his self-belief on anyone, certainly not the girls in his class.

I wish you all luck as you navigate this.

Nothing much is happening so far. I was tasked with telling DH last night who was shocked but not that surprised. No official announcement or anything yet although my older DS did accidentally let slip to my brother, but he’ll keep shtum I’m sure. I offered the opportunity for clothes shopping today but was declined so I guess we’re going to be moving forward slowly with the next steps, whatever they may be.

I think you’re doing the right thing accepting your son as he is and trying to support him as best you can. You are showing him that he doesn’t need to feel ashamed for being himself and that’s healthy. He’s not hurting anyone so why should it matter?

There is really no such thing as ‘normal’ and he shouldn’t feel that he has to hide who he is just because it’s making narrow minded people uncomfortable. Keep doing what you’re doing, it sounds like you’re a lovely mum.

DH has just found another item of women’s clothing, this time a training bra I assume donated by a sympathetic friend. I really hope it wasn’t stolen. It’s so hard to know what to do.

But him some similar underwear and leave it in his room and don't mention it again until he does???

@OhHolyJesus

I wouldn't suggest speaking to the school. This is beyond their remit and something that might turn into a 'gender identity' issue where they socially transition him.

I wondered if he could talk to a professional in term of therapy. I would think someone with professional training in helping teens and someone outside of the family would be best placed.

You could look for help from Bayswater, Thoughtful Therapists (James Caspian or Stella O Malley).

Do you know what he has access to online?

Buying some stuff and leaving it sounds sensible. You don’t want other people wearing your undies.

I think PP is right re being wary around school and things like the Beaumont society, there is such insanity around at the moment. If you think he wants to talk to someone professionally check them out... but he might be happy as he is, do you have any reason to think he isn’t??

@WoIsMe

DH has just found another item of women’s clothing, this time a training bra I assume donated by a sympathetic friend. I really hope it wasn’t stolen. It’s so hard to know what to do.

It's not really hard to know what to do, she has come out as trans to you.

She obviously wants some clothes, maybe there is still some embarrassment regarding actually going shopping, particularly for bras.

If as a parent you are happy to let her explore her feelings then you need to break the ice.

I agree with other pp's, buy her a few things of her own leave them on her bed and just casually mention that you have bought her a few things you thought she might like.

Leave it there and see if anything turns up in the laundry, if you notice she is wearing something ask how it fits? Is the colour ok etc, you need to normalise this as far as you feel is appropriate.

She may need help and as her mother you are best placed to offer it.

DH has ordered some girl’s clothes but they won’t arrive until Monday. We haven’t ordered any underwear yet. I offered a shopping trip but that was firmly declined. Ironically I went to M&S with my oldest DS yesterday and he was more than happy to hang around the women’s clothing department with me while I picked out a few things for myself. So I think it’s embarrassment, maybe still feeling that it’s somehow wrong to want girl’s clothes. The training bra was hidden behind the bed.

I feel that I need some direction. I don’t want to force anything or rush things. So refusing to talk about stuff pretty much means no change will happen.