Help! Young son sexually confused re: anime

[LizLinley]

My son is 14 years old about a week ago, and I've just found materials on his (my) computer that are very disturbing, along with posts on an LGBT reddit thread saying he's confused about his sexuality.

He's a masculine, terrific boy who has social anxiety. No other markers of being gay - he's not effeminate, likes rough sports, very physical, never preferred his friends to be girls, never wanted 'girl' toys or clothes. If anything, I think he's likely terrified of girls, due to his anxiety. He simply can't imagine romance of any kind. He's not ready.

But now, LGBT Reddit has told him that because he's attracted to Link — a video game character in anime style drawn like a woman but said to be male — he might be gay. Despite saying he has crushes on girls at school (with no indications that he has any real-life attraction to boys), this LGBT board is, predictably, affirming that he must be gay, which has sent him into a rapid-flowing current of anime porn, much of it gay/trans, but all the characters being penetrated depicted as extremely feminine. The sex in this porn is typically heterosexual, but with two dicks. I know. Weird thing to say. But it's not two men. It's just not. It's a trick.

I have no issue with gay people and would love my son either way, but he's getting swept up in a highly toxic online community. I'm talking to him tomorrow and am afraid of embarrassing him; saying something to make him think I'm homophobic; god, saying anything that's the wrong thing. The porn was awful, and I'm not a prude.

It breaks my heart that he's being twisted in this way, and that he has seen the things he's seen. Our world is so over-affirming now, I fear we've gone so far as to groom kids into thinking they're gay when they may not be. Especially on the internet. Please help.

Monitor his Internet use and get him the fuck of Reddit. That place is a cesspit.

He's a masculine, terrific boy who has social anxiety. No other markers of being gay - he's not effeminate, likes rough sports, very physical, never preferred his friends to be girls, never wanted 'girl' toys or clothes.

@SimonJT

He's a masculine, terrific boy who has social anxiety. No other markers of being gay - he's not effeminate, likes rough sports, very physical, never preferred his friends to be girls, never wanted 'girl' toys or clothes.

Yes, I found this section particularly disconcerting too...

OP, there’s no such thing as girls’ toys, and I don’t really know what you mean by effeminate..

And I agree - get him off the Internet and involved with activities that involve less navel-gazing.

Hey OP. I can't advise on everything but it's worth being aware that you may think you're open to him being gay, but this "He's a masculine, terrific boy who has social anxiety. No other markers of being gay - he's not effeminate, likes rough sports, very physical, never preferred his friends to be girls, never wanted 'girl' toys or clothes." reads like you think gay boys have markers. They don't. So best to get those ideas out if your head as they're all actually irrelevant.

I have friends whose kids have been confused by sexual things they've come across in animé. There are some quite freaky things there and we, with a tradition of comic books/cartoons being kids things, don't expect it to have very adult material.

I'd first try and stop, or reduce the animé (and Reddit - he's too young to be exposed to the shot on there too!!).

And then separate the issue of being pissed off at the crap there is online and the DS's sexuality issue. Because there is no issue. He needs to figure it out now he's confused but there's no rush. It doesn't even matter. What does matter is that whoever he enters sexual relationships with, he does it without being fucked up by animé porn (or other porn out there) or the "geniuses" on Reddit who don't give a shot about anything, including the truth. That's your issue right now.

Tell him he doesn't need to listen to strangers - or even people he knows. He'll know if he's attracted to women or men because he'll find himself..being attracted to women or men! And he can be bi too! And there's only one person who can let him know that, and it's himself! There only sign of being gay is being attracted to men! Not being told by Reddit!

*shot - switch the o for an i!

Thanks all... to explain to those who raised an eyebrow — I don't subscribe to the whole 'girl toy' thing. But when you look online for advice, say, from Psychology Today or very mainstream parenting sites, they say there are indeed behavioural signals that are super common among children who turn out to be gay. All the stuff I listed. I know, it sounds super-typical - I was surprised to see it too, but it's broadly studied. By 'effeminate' I mean boys that you'd otherwise not be surprised that they're gay. No value attached to it (I don't buy into gender) - just boys who like dolls and pink and want to wear girl's clothes or who don't relate to other boys as friends.

@CassandraTrotter and @daretodenim ... yes, and thank you. It's such a hard time to just say 'get off the internet' - we're in lockdown, and he needs the computer for school every day. And we live in the country, so there's not a whole lot for him to do socially - even if he could see friends, which he can't. I worry very much about shutting it all down - taking it away, installing parental controls, all that - but having it just feel punitive to him, and taking away his connection to friends. It's all tangled up together, this damned internet. What I really want is a time machine.

I don’t have anything constructive to add but this is why young boys need gay footballers and rugby players to come out, so they can see that sexuality is just part of who you are & what you like.

@LizLinley
Just one point to make- I'm an older lesbian so been around gay and lesbian people for a very long time and can truthfully tell you that we come in all shapes and sizes and there are plenty of very masculine gay men who aren't a bit effeminate, and are invisible just as there are plenty of very feminine lesbians.

Address the website use. It does not sound healthy.

Also here to back up that your point about him not having "signs" is awful. There is nothing to connect being effeminate with homosexuality. That's all social construct bollocks. Homosexuality is about who you are actually attracted to, nothing more. You can love my colour or toy, you can love sports or ballet, but if you love people of the same sex, you're gay.

@joystir59 I know. And I know how clueless my message may have sounded - that really was from me winding up on very mainstream sites looking for advice. Perhaps those traits don't translate to adulthood necessarily, but the thinking out there seems to be that there are, broadly, behavioural clues in childhood. I was surprised by it too.

@Solidaritea I've addressed this in my responses - I am not that caricature idiot, I swear. Gender is bullshit and I don't buy into it. I'll just explain the one more time - this is what I saw, across the board, when I googled 'how to know if my son is gay'. Psychology magazines, parenting magazines. All very gentle and kind, but all of them noting studies and saying the same thing. I'm not saying it's right, but it's what's out there.

@Nonmaquillee I’m a masculine (societys screwed up definition of masculine) professional prop, very physical with it, very very few female friends, no ‘girls’ clothes or toys.

Maybe I’m secretly straight

Seriously, get him the hell off the internet.

Get him off Reddit especially it’s a hell hole.

Block Reddit on your internet settings

@BigGreenOlives

I don’t have anything constructive to add but this is why young boys need gay footballers and rugby players to come out, so they can see that sexuality is just part of who you are & what you like.

Yep, young gay lads are excluded from sports due to homophobic attitudes in society. Thats why players like Keegan Hirst are so important. We do have a decent number of inclusive teams now, but gay players should be able to feel just as safe in a safe team as they do in an inclusive team.

Well if you google ‘how do I know my son is gay’ of course you’ll get a lot of pseudo psychology balls.

The way to find out if your child is gay is to start a conversation. And that conversation might take years, plenty time for it.

What you don’t have plenty time for and is the main issue is a bunch of creeps on the net sending your 13 year old a pile of porn. Not sure if anime makes a difference but sending porn to children is a crime.

And of course he is confused as he is exploring his sexuality via anime porn. That’s not healthy development is it?

Let's not focus on the part where this mum didn't expect her son to be gay and focus on the part where he's been groomed online to seek out fetish anime porn.
OP he might be gay - that's not the point. The point is the porn use. How did you find this? Does he have a PC in his room? What expectations do you have about your checking his internet use? IMO at 14 parents should still be monitoring so it's not a problem that you've seen it and it's right to talk about it. I think you should come from the angle that pornography is harmful to developing minds and sexuality and put some tighter controls over his internet use.

I would also say don't play into the stereotypes and make any assumptions about your son's sexuality. It will be harder for him to be open with you about things if he senses you have set ideas and expectations. You certainly do not have to present as gender atypical in childhood to be gay!

So sorry OP. Anime is totally weird to me. I hope you can help your son.

He’s being groomed by perverts on the Internet. Monitor his internet use and stop him using Reddit. That’s the problem.

I would go on a limb and say he isn’t even gay. He is being groomed and being told by perverts using pornography that he is something and him being a child doesn’t understand.

We are minimizing how grooming works. It is meant to twist and gaslight the target so they question their reality. That’s why it works so well.

You need to report the culprits to Reddit number one. And potentially report the grooming behavior to the police.

The issue isn't his sexuality per se - he can figure that out in his own time. But don't you have parental controls on your computer?? You need to educate yourself a bit more on the Internet as its your job to keep him safe from this stuff and weirdos in Internet forums who want to show a child cartoon porn

Hi OP,
Do you have another thread on this topic running at the same time?

@MarshmallowSwede

He’s being groomed by perverts on the Internet. Monitor his internet use and stop him using Reddit. That’s the problem.

I would go on a limb and say he isn’t even gay. He is being groomed and being told by perverts using pornography that he is something and him being a child doesn’t understand.

We are minimizing how grooming works. It is meant to twist and gaslight the target so they question their reality. That’s why it works so well.

You need to report the culprits to Reddit number one. And potentially report the grooming behavior to the police.

How is he being groomed by perverts?

Reddit isnt just full of perverts.

We dont even know the whole story. Whether ips son is pretending to be older than he is or not.

First of all at his age he shouldn't even be on that website especially a NSFW part of the website.

@Nonmaquillee I do, I apologize if that's against guidelines - I am still finding my way around the site and wasn't sure to find where would be best. I first posted it on a feminism board because I am gender-critical, and felt they'd understand the anime connection to confusion and grooming, which is something I've been aware of for quite some time. It was quiet there though, last night, and I worried I was bothering them about a parenting issue. So I found this thread and posted here, thinking it might be a more appropriate place.

I appreciate very much all these responses... I wish there were some easier way to just acknowledge and thank people, it's very helpful.