Help! Young son sexually confused re: anime

[LizLinley]

My son is 14 years old about a week ago, and I've just found materials on his (my) computer that are very disturbing, along with posts on an LGBT reddit thread saying he's confused about his sexuality.

He's a masculine, terrific boy who has social anxiety. No other markers of being gay - he's not effeminate, likes rough sports, very physical, never preferred his friends to be girls, never wanted 'girl' toys or clothes. If anything, I think he's likely terrified of girls, due to his anxiety. He simply can't imagine romance of any kind. He's not ready.

But now, LGBT Reddit has told him that because he's attracted to Link — a video game character in anime style drawn like a woman but said to be male — he might be gay. Despite saying he has crushes on girls at school (with no indications that he has any real-life attraction to boys), this LGBT board is, predictably, affirming that he must be gay, which has sent him into a rapid-flowing current of anime porn, much of it gay/trans, but all the characters being penetrated depicted as extremely feminine. The sex in this porn is typically heterosexual, but with two dicks. I know. Weird thing to say. But it's not two men. It's just not. It's a trick.

I have no issue with gay people and would love my son either way, but he's getting swept up in a highly toxic online community. I'm talking to him tomorrow and am afraid of embarrassing him; saying something to make him think I'm homophobic; god, saying anything that's the wrong thing. The porn was awful, and I'm not a prude.

It breaks my heart that he's being twisted in this way, and that he has seen the things he's seen. Our world is so over-affirming now, I fear we've gone so far as to groom kids into thinking they're gay when they may not be. Especially on the internet. Please help.

Showing a child pornography is grooming. Period. It’s not acceptable and it is meant to desensitize a child to sexual imagery, sexual language and and to break down their own boundaries. You can Google how grooming works and tactics that are commonly used. I volunteer with rape survivors and many are underage and have been groomed online.

I didn’t say Reddit is full of perverts. I said he is being groomed by perverts on Reddit. Two different things.

If he is pretending to be older then it’s too bad for the person who sent the porn. It is still grooming ...sorry ...if you send porn on the internet then you need to verify the age of the person on the other end. You send it, then you need to make sure it’s an adult. It’s still a crime and it’s inappropriate because he’s a child. I don’t feel sorry for anyone who sends porn online and then gets a charge because they were chatting with a child. Online use requires responsibility, which people don’t want to take. Send porn at your own risk.

And yes I would suggest she report the user to Reddit and to the police.

@MarshmallowSwede what's perhaps even more disturbing is that it's not some bogeyman sending him porn. It's freely available from the Reddit groups, just posted there, and links to it. The kids are sharing it with each other. Adults are overseeing it all, and chiming in every now and then to offer direct personal support (this morning someone told him that if he 'is not safe' with his possibly-phobic mother, he should send them a message directly to chat one-to-one).

But the flow of the porn is just right there, on the group, shared all the time and in comments. It's on Twitter. And in discord, too. He's being honest about his age but all these kids who have been groomed are then grooming others - bringing more confused kids into the fold so they can feel better about having done so themselves. And all the while, demonizing responsible parents who are intervening reasonably. A big part of what I've seen in 'LGBTQ' groups is a very deliberate turning kids against their parents. It's incredible that it's just so... out there.

You need to report this immediately. This is exactly the grooming behaviours that I mean.

You need stop your son from getting on Reddit. But you should keep access for the police to read over the files. This is not normal. This is not ok, and these adults know exactly what they are doing.

Get the profile name and report them to Reddit. If you choose to get the police involved then you will need to have the files of the chats for them to read over.

They have already committed a crime by sending sexual images to a child. I am not saying that you have to report this to police, but if nothing else you need to report that person to Reddit so they are banned.

Classic brimming behaviour is to alienate the child from the parent so the child feels the abuser is the only person they can trust. That person has already been working to break down any boundaries of appropriate behaviour with the child.

What they seek to do is to make your child feel he can’t trust you. So they can abuse the child without you being aware.

Please do not allow your son back onto Reddit. This is not normal. These people or person who is doing this is not trying to help him. They know exactly what they are doing. They are trying to gain access to your son so that they can exploit him.

First thing is to put parental controls on, prevent him from accessing any sites that have chat functions. Report the profiles to Reddit.

Have a sleep on it and if you see fit then report it to your police. You want to make sure your son understands why you are doing this. You are trying to keep him safe.

You have done nothing wrong as a parent and you should feel proud that you’re aware of the issue and are taking steps to protect him. This is not uncommon so many parents are dealing with this. So you just beee support.

Here are some resources that I hope can help you:

www.internetmatters.org/issues/online-grooming/deal-with-it/

www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/grooming/

Classing grooming behaviour *

And there is no such thing of an appropriate “one on one” chat online with an adult who is not to the parent of said child or a teacher who is leading an online lesson.

Adults online are not there to help children, unless it is a teacher giving an online lesson. There are other adults online to chat with, so absolutely no reason to engage with a child.

This is why I tell parents - adults do not ask children for help. Adults do not chat online with kids. Adults do not need to guide children online. If that adult is not the teacher of your child, then there is absolutely no reason why they are in an online conversation ever. It is not appropriate.

Abusers are always going to find a way to get access to children. Chat rooms are great for them. I suggest you check phones and all social media as well.

Your son might be upset by what he may see as an invasion of privacy, but trust me. You need to make sure this person or group of people have no access to him.

As far as the other children on there, parents need to be aware and those adults need to be charged.

Internet matters - the first link does give useful information about how to talk to your child about grooming. This might be helpful.

It does also explain how to report this if you choose to do so.

I hope this is helpful and I wish you and your son and family all the best. Stay strong and remember, you’re not alone. As a society we all want to protect children.

@MarshmallowSwede You're right on all counts. It's very disturbing but it seems very acceptable and typical behaviour on the LGBT community boards I've been on. In an effort to be tolerant and kind, we have swung too far, I fear, and into mass grooming. There are literally posts there talking about 'come join the cool club' and 'don't worry if your parents don't understand you, we are your glitter family'..... it's so shady. Thanks so much for your feedback. We're working on it, and already have a call in to a friend who works in IT.

Yes you are absolutely right. We have gone way too far and being complacent in the vein of being of being politically correct. We have basically served kids up on platters to abusers.

We as adults have to educate ourselves and other adults, parents, grandparents etc what to look for. From what I’ve seen, parents need to monitor even older teens internet use.

Grooming is not something that happens in an hour. It is a progressive march. So the person grooming the child escalates the grooming behaviours.

Asking a child to a private chat - always inappropriate no matter what the topic. There is never ever any reason why any adult (aside from a teacher giving a lesson) to be in a chat with a child. This is something we try to educate parents and caregivers about. This simple act of an adult inviting a child to a one on one chat is not appropriate, and considered an escalation of grooming.

I say an escalation, because usually the abuser has targeted the child already and has begun grooming them. The private chat is an escalation that allows them to engage in even more boundary pushing.

And this - saying your parents don’t understand you, your parents can’t be trusted , your parents are phobic is a great way to isolate a child and then to escalate the grooming behaviours.

It’s wonderful for an abuser if they can get a child to believe the parent is the bad one. This is where we as a society have failed. We have basically played into the hands of abusers who will use any current social justice topic to “relate” to teens and children or a particular child. They will use video games, common cool themes that are popular with kids- certain tik tok challenges. They research.

We need to understand that they are predators. Like any predator, they stalk their prey (researching social media) and they do indeed research trendy themes for children and know what children are into in order to be able to relate to children. So parents need to have eyes and ears open on social media.

You have no idea the length these people go to. I want parents to be vigilant. I don’t want children to be hurt by this. We need to start questioning why we are so willing to sacrifice the safety of children so that adults don’t have their feelings hurt. The pendulum has swung way too far.

And I don’t care what anyone says.. adults have no business chatting with kids online. Ever..

@MarshmallowSwede I agree with you 100%, our poor lonely children are being sucked into things of which they should have no knowledge. The lonely ones, through lacking confidence or being anxious, are so pleased to be treated as special they fall for the attention.

You’re very welcome. Take care of yourself. I’m sending you and your family all the best.

One of the worst things we did was allow children into chat rooms and onto social media.

Especially as there is an epidemic of loneliness. I really hope we turn the tide on this and more parents become aware.

My son was like that once. Me and my Husband sat him down and asked him to explain, once we understood a bit more we were able to enjoy it with him as a family activity.

You tell if your son is gay by asking him or better still waiting til he tells you.

@LizLinley

Thanks all... to explain to those who raised an eyebrow — I don't subscribe to the whole 'girl toy' thing. But when you look online for advice, say, from Psychology Today or very mainstream parenting sites, they say there are indeed behavioural signals that are super common among children who turn out to be gay. All the stuff I listed. I know, it sounds super-typical - I was surprised to see it too, but it's broadly studied. By 'effeminate' I mean boys that you'd otherwise not be surprised that they're gay. No value attached to it (I don't buy into gender) - just boys who like dolls and pink and want to wear girl's clothes or who don't relate to other boys as friends.

A lot of gay men appear typically straight. It's a massive spectrum. I agree the Internet stuff needs to be cracked down on, but he can't be made to be gay if he's not. He's exploring his sexuality. When it comes to real life relationships and sex, he will experiment and do his thing.

Have to add along with others, your comments about behavioural signals are totally off and archaic. I was the girliest girl, barbies, glitter, fairies and princesses, and am now a feminine woman. Still a lesbian. In terms of the anime and internet stuff, i agree that if the stuff he is looking at is adult in content you need to have some sort of internet controls.

His being gay or not is beside the point. He is reading/watching stuff that is age inappropriate, confusing, and probably upsetting.

When you talk to him make sure you have the message clear. Being gay is fine. As an adult, consensual sexual practices are fine as long as they're consensual. Watching porn and talking to strangers on the internet about sex at 14 is not OK.

I suggest you get the difference straight in your own mind too - I really find your opening post quite upsetting and offensive on the 'markers' of sexuality.