Trans or Non-Binary girls

[Bypassed21]

Hi. I'm really struggling and don't know where to turn.
I have 2 girls who are currently questioning their gender. Neither of them are talking to me I have heard third hand (from friend who have children at the school) that one has changed her name at school and is saying they are non-binary, and the other is asking to be referred to as male.
I've been divorced from their Dad for 5 years. After speaking to the school it is clear their Dad is aware of the situation - but if I hadn't heard via my friend (through gossip basically) I wouldn't be any the wiser.
School have recommended two organisations which can help. A local counselling charity for teens or Mermaids. I've read poor things about Mermaids on here and wondered if anyone had a positive experience with them?

School have advised me not to question the girls (as, as far as the girls know I am unaware of what's happened at school). They're telling me to be patient and wait for them to come to me in time. I'm desperate to be supportive but how can I do that if I'm to pretend I don't know?? Also if i pretend to not know - how do I even decide which pronoun to use?? I haven't been told what name the one child is choosing to use in school.

Does anyone know officially what procedures schools are supposed to follow in regard informing parents - particularly in the situation parents live apart?

This is a whole new world to me so please be kind.

Different schools will have different policies, but in general the child's privacy is protected.

I'd recommend local counseling. My personal preference is group therapy if available, I think it's really important particularly for teens to be able to practice therapy skills with other people with appropriate supervision and hear multiple perspectives, but it will depend on what is available in your area. I'd bring it up either by discussing something else you may have noticed about their mental health or the plethora of articles out recently on teen mental health if they aren't bringing this directly to you.

I would use the name/pronouns that you know her as unless told otherwise by them. I also know plenty, both when I was a kid and now with my own kids, who go by different names at home than they do at school.

It's not actually that unusual for some to have separate 'school' and 'home' identities (or different ones between households with separated/divorced parents). I did this when I was in school though I went through probably the extreme of them where I used different names in certain classes. Coming home with a test or PE shirt in a different name (we had to write our names on ours in big block print, I guess the PE teachers weren't expected to remember our names which was a great chance to try out names each year) is how my mother found out, though other than one comment once asking when I would "stop that" when I showed her a perfect score on a test with a different name on it, we never discussed it.

I would recommend safe schools alliance and Bayswater and to not touch Mermaids, even if someone has had a positive experience with them, that will be because of their own position on 'gender' and the data breach alone is enough to put me off if I was in your situation.

It's not clear why their Dad knows and was told by the school and you weren't, I would say that was a failure to inform the parent as they must know you are divorced and don't live together and so need separate communication. The school must have a policy or procedure in this, has this been followed so far, if so why is this different?

I don't think I would follow their advice though you don't say why both girls aren't talking to you, was it over this?

The school haven't told you what names are being used for your children in school? What reason did they give for this?

It is absolutely outrageous that you have had to rely on a friend to inform you of what is happening with your children whilst they are at school and also that the school are suggesting you keep it a secret and join them is whatever they see to be the best course of action. Do you know what changing faculties and toilets they are using at the school?

Sorry if this sound aggressive, I'm angry with the school on your behalf. You are their mother.

There are dangers in 'socially transitioning' a child with a name change and preferred pronouns.

Sharing this for you OP

Schools giving transgender girls boys names without telling parents - Mail link

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/4246032-Schools-giving-transgender-girls-boys-names-without-telling-parents-Mail-link

Thank you all for your messages. I'm not going to go into too many specifics so as not to be outing.

I have spoken to the school since posting and they have advised they strongly encourage children to speak to their parents but ultimately they leave the children to decide when to tell their parents themselves.

Thank you @BiBabbles your post have given an insight into what may be happening

@OhHolyJesus thank you - have read that article and I've found it both terrifying and enlightening.