trans daughter / gender dysporia - how to support without affirming?

[whoshouldItalkto]

For the last year my 13-year-old daughter has been saying she is trans and has gender dysphoria. She says she does not feel her body and voice belong to her, and she should have a male physique.

I want to take a watchful waiting approach and do not want an affirmative approach or for her to socially or medically transition at this stage. However, her distress is real, and she needs support. There seems to be a real gap for this. I have read helpful advice from the Bayswater group and Transgender Trend, but there seem very few professionals that will work with a child without affirming - I was recommended one but they were £200 / hour and made it clear it was a long term commitment! She spoke to a non-specialist counsellor for a while but did not find it useful.

I keep the lines of communication open, talk to her, discuss things, try to build her confidence etc. but really feel she needs more. She's not particularly unhappy a lot of the time (has good friends, we have a good relationship, doing well at school etc.) but the gender dysphoria is definitely bubbling under and can cause her acute distress.

Has anyone got any other ideas of how I can support her, or could suggest a more affordable counselling option that would be suitable? Does anyone acknowledge and support gender dysphoria without the assumption that the treatment is transitioning?

Yes - DD is in a group of friends who all identify with the lgbtq community- although in some ways I think she was the catalyst. She talks a lot about “communities” and it’s clearly very important to her.

@whoshouldItalkto

Yes - DD is in a group of friends who all identify with the lgbtq community- although in some ways I think she was the catalyst. She talks a lot about “communities” and it’s clearly very important to her.

My dd while not at the stage yet where I need to worry about transition yet is all about the LGBTQ+ community and communities in general. She thought she might be a lesbian at 8 yrs old which I was quite pleased with as at least she’d not ever be in the closet as it were, but now at 10 she’s gone from bi to pansexual and I’m starting to wonder if it’s all just stuff she’s learning online. She plays a lot of Roblox and there’s an LGBTQ+ hangout on there, even though Roblox seems to be mainly for young children who shouldn’t even need to be thinking about their sexuality yet. I honestly feel like they’re being groomed online from such a young age now. Dds friend at school thinks she might be a boy and she’s only 11. It’s a tiny school in the middle nowhere, the teachers love JKR so they’re not learning it there and dd sure as hell isn’t getting it from me and Dh. Our children need protection and guidance from all this but where on earth can we turn to these days?!

Oh gosh I am so glad I have found thus. Dd is waiting for cahms, announced trans, says attracted to boys but that's because she is a gay male. She is 15, very quiet, never Bern in a relationship or kissed anyone and cone out with this?

Removed mobile, keep finding her on discord when should be doing school work so my time out of work. Is literally sitting next to her watch g her use the computer appropriately.

I don't know what to do, this is mayhem. And I am at breaking point. She is becoming a novelty item to her peers in the real world who is the token trans person, but online I think she is being toyed with, love bombed almost in a cultish way by people who think everything is cool. And great and avoids the trouble of real life interactions.

I'm so fucking stressed and tired.

@JoyOrbison yes my dd says she is a gay male too. Same as dd1 did. I haven't removed her phone, but she has to come downstairs to do her hw. Its hard to know whether to just ignore it or seek help and possibly have it affirmed by counsellors. My dd is quite militant about it compared to dd1

Just to check, how's her diet? is she generally healthy? Only because I've seen somewhere about vitamin d deficiency low mood etc being a factor. Also is she on hormonal birth control? Again a big cause of anxiety. Home life OK? Any trauma? Often these kids are presenting with GD as a symptom not a cause I think.

My dd got diagnosed with coeliac disease about 4 months ago, we have adjusted diet, had iron and vit c, but this has all started after that. God its so hard.

@Mn753 diet is fine although restrictive, always has been. Lots of fruit and veg though. No home trauma although living with an autistic sibling has been tough. I agree GD is a symptom of something else, its just a minefield trying to dig that out

My dd is now saying she has ADHD not autism . I've asked her to write down why she thinks that so we can present it to the GP. She does show signs of inattentive ADHD but it could also be depression. I think she's desperate to be 'different' like her sister

These poor girls x

I do wonder like a lot of depression if it eases up a bit in the summer, outdoor, fresh air, sunshine etc. That's not to belittle anything, just an acknowledgement that this has been a horrendous winter for everyone and everyone could do with some sunshine, good food, pampering, socialising etc

DD also identifies as a gay, cross-dressing male - she mostly dresses in a very overtly feminine (although quirky) way.

Yes, her diet is OK and she's very healthy. I supplement with Vit D for other reasons. She certainly doesn't seem depressed most of the time. No trauma. We're boringly normal. She did start menarche early (10 years) which I think was traumatic. Interestingly, while her older sister (DD1) has never said she is trans she has a number of specific learning issues and anxiety which have required a lot of support and attention, and she can also be quite vile to DD2. I do wonder if there is a subconscious element of DD2 wanting to assert her individuality / needs? We have some nice things planned based on her interests for the summer which hopefully will give her a boost, and I'm really encouraging her being outdoors and doing sport, which so far is actually going OK.

Yes a definitely think its an attention thing. Like you dd's sibling has taken up alot of our time.i also try and do things together just the 2 of us but today dd isn't talking to me. She's said to her friend that she doesnt feel safe here because i keep deadnaming her and using the wrong pronouns. Honestly, she doesn't know what feeling unsafe is!

@moomoogalicious - that sounds absolutely exhausting. My DD hasn't got the that stage yet and says she has no problem with me calling her by her birth name / female pronouns at the moment. However. you can hear other people talking through them sometimes with the phrases they use, which is very disturbing.

I posted this on another thread but thought it might be useful for the parents here: quillette.com/2021/05/04/gaslighting-the-concerned-parents-of-trans-children-a-psychotherapists-view/

Would you mind if I joined your thread rather than starting a new one please? My 16yo DS has decided he is trans but it's far more complicated than that and I need some advice please.
(NC but feel free to pm for usual name, just don't want them linked, been here a long time).

@moomoogalicious I've PM'd you, apologies for the slow response.

@oxalisRed thank you

@Clymene just read that link. Very helpful

Yes, many thanks @Clymene. @Jannetra17 - sorry you are having issues with your son.

So today the school took it upon themselves to socially transition my daughter without my consent. Citing the equalities act.

I stressed to them i didn't want her gd affirming but they haven't listened. I feel like I'm in a nightmare.

moomoogalicious I am so sorry.

They are misinterpreting the law, but you know that!

Schools and CAMHS seem to have a policy of enabling (often autistic) children to transition by default. Whilst they smugly pat themselves on the back, we are left to deal with the consequences, socially, physically and mentally. When we finally get through this, I am going gunning for those ‘professionals’. You have my sympathy moomoogalocious. Hang in there. 💐