How to find a therapist who will explore other possibilities

[bonbonours]

My 14 year old daughter has said she wishes to be considered non binary. We have talked a lot about this over the past year but she is resolute and we have reluctantly agreed to use a non gendered name and pronouns.

I am extremely sceptical as she was an archetypal girly girl up to about 18 months ago. I'm convinced this comes out of not feeling like she fits in or measures up to society's high expectations for teenage girls/women. She is now inventing a back story whereby she has never felt female from a young age. I remember her childhood very clearly and she is basically taking other people's experiences and passing them off as her own.

She wants to see a therapist and I think this would be good. But I'm worried from things I've read that a lot of therapists seem to go straight to accepting a child is trans and starting down a route towards transition, whereas I'd like someone who can get her to explore other possibilities and perhaps get her to a point where she can accept herself as she is. If a therapist believes her stories of never having felt female, which are frankly nonsense, they might assume that she has deep seated dysphoria which I really don't believe she does.

I don't know how to go about finding a therapist who is more on the gender critical side than the trans-enabling side.

You have to respect their identity if you want to continue being their mother

@Nyx77
You might like to accept that you have no right at all to dictate the OP's behaviour towards her child.

You have to respect their identity if you want to continue being their mother

Not true. OP will always be her mother whether the child likes it or not.

Look, I don’t mean to sound harsh, I really don’t. But people have the right to choose who they keep in their life, blood relative or not. If you are disrespecting their identity- and by extension them, they will push you away and they will cut you off. Trust me, it happens to a heartbreaking number of trans kids.
If literally nothing else, you can at least use the correct name and pronouns. Being a parent means respecting your child.

You are scaremongering. There are lots of ways to support a gender distressed child or adolescent without unquestionably affirming an internal identity.

My own teen daughter identified as a boy for a year (13-14).
We avoided pronouns as much as possible, and compromised with a gender neutral nickname (the first letter of her actual name) but refused to be dictated to.
She has now desisted and come out as a lesbian (and a goth).

From the .gov website:

What is parental responsibility?

All mothers and most fathers have legal rights and responsibilities as a parent - known as ‘parental responsibility’.

If you have parental responsibility, your most important roles are to:

provide a home for the child
protect and maintain the child

You’re also responsible for:

disciplining the child
choosing and providing for the child’s education
agreeing to the child’s medical treatment
naming the child and agreeing to any change of name
looking after the child’s property

Parents have to ensure that their child is supported financially, whether they have parental responsibility or not.

—————————

@Nyx77

Look, I don’t mean to sound harsh, I really don’t. But people have the right to choose who they keep in their life, blood relative or not. If you are disrespecting their identity- and by extension them, they will push you away and they will cut you off. Trust me, it happens to a heartbreaking number of trans kids. If literally nothing else, you can at least use the correct name and pronouns. Being a parent means respecting your child.

Oh get over yourself. There are many potential outcomes to the OPs situation, and ‘they will cut you off’ is only one. Situations such as this are far more complex than you suggest, and having some experience of them does not make you an expert.

The OP is taking a different approach to the one you would take, but her approach is very clearly balanced and reasonable. The world is complex and you need to accept that different views and approaches co-exist, or you are going to find life very difficult.

I know someone in the NW

@Nyx77

Do you have much experience with teenagers?

Teenagers go through phases. It's part of growing up.

I was a chav, then a goth, then an emo. I wanted a Slipknot tattoo when I was 16. My parents (rightly) said no. I'm glad that they "disrespected" my identity on that occasion as it would be something I'd regret now.

Teenagers don't yet know who they are. They also don't know how they'll feel in 20 years. Therefore, adults need to help them.

@Nyx77

Gender ideology and identity politics are the harmful issues here. Affirming the thoughts caused by a wilful blindness towards science and biological reality is extremely harmful, I would encourage neither. Especially for a child. Adults should be free to live as they please, barring inflicting harm on others. But it is reinforcing harmful gender stereotypes by pretending that a 'transition' must take place in order to enage with aspects of life typically associated with that gender.

The heart breaking thing that is happening to trans kids, is that they're being taken advantage of by the gender identity movement. They are encouraged to do irreversible damage to their bodies and it's absolutely despicable. Anyone who advocates for that has no care whatsoever for the child involved.

How do the people who push this agenda sleep at night..

Do look at the Bayswater link. You're right to be wary of instantly affirmative counselling.

We've had some real up and downs with our 15 year old son (born male) who came out as trans a couple of months ago. I'd keep a close eye on internet use too. We're finding the more he engages with different things the less preoccupied he is with gender identity. We're talking a lot about post 16 options and life after school. He was spending hours drawing all the flags etc.

We aren't using his name and pronouns but I have bought pink clothes. They're from men's range and we're trying to encourage less rigidity around gender and to take his time. He is autistic and I think there's a higher prevalence, more so with girls.

It's a fine line to walk and it's not as simple as just shutting it down as nonsense for us. But we don't feel affirmation is right either, so we're just trying to keep communication open but not overly focusing on gender discussion. I think our son will need a way he can just quietly climb down from it.

Good luck

I’m not saying you have to let your child transition, I’m not saying you have to agree for them to do anything irreversible.
I agree, teenagers goes through phases. It’s very common for people to identify with a label to begin with and then change they’re minds.
I’m not trying to deny that.
But what you’re doing is just shutting down the possibility.
Trying out different names and pronouns definitely isn’t going to do any irreversible. The best way to explore your identity is by experimenting.
If they experiment with these pronouns for a bit and then decide to go back to she/her, that’s fine, no damage done. It maintains a healthy relationship where your child doesn’t feel the need to hide a part of themselves from you

Social transition is the first step on the pathway to medical transition. The more you agree to the harder it is for them to row back, in fact, it drives them forward.

Adolescents push to find parental boundaries, it’s part of the development process. They need to find those boundaries in order to feel safe.

It’s absolutely exasperating that people who know next to nothing about natural child development (ie single issue advocacy groups) are trying to pressure parents (and teachers and safeguarding professionals) into throwing out everything we’ve learned in the last 50 years.

bonbonours it's all very tough and you have my sympathy. It's helpful to be outwardly respectful of how your child sees things but I understand you cannot change what you know and how you feel.

I would strongly suggest you get some support, just for you. This is available on line and may help you cope however things work out.

@Nyx77

I’m not saying you have to let your child transition, I’m not saying you have to agree for them to do anything irreversible. I agree, teenagers goes through phases. It’s very common for people to identify with a label to begin with and then change they’re minds. I’m not trying to deny that. But what you’re doing is just shutting down the possibility. Trying out different names and pronouns definitely isn’t going to do any irreversible. The best way to explore your identity is by experimenting. If they experiment with these pronouns for a bit and then decide to go back to she/her, that’s fine, no damage done. It maintains a healthy relationship where your child doesn’t feel the need to hide a part of themselves from you

No the OP is not ‘just shutting down the possibility’, she has said specifically that she wants her daughter to see a therapist who will allow her to explore different possibilities.

The OP knows her child and is expressing the perfectly valid view that this is likely a phase. Nothing in the OPs post suggests that if it doesn’t turn out to be a phase she won’t be able to accept whatever identity her child wants to adopt. The OP does not need you accusing her of doing a poor job as a parent, simply because she takes a different approach to your own. As before, having some experience in this area does not make you an expert.

This thread is headed, "How to find a therapist who will explore other possibilities". As a parent of a teen who identifies as non-binary (among other things), I think therapy can be beneficial - for the parent. My teen doesn't need therapy - just a safe, non-judgemental space to grow and explore. That space can be found in the home. Subjecting them to therapy may, unwittingly, send out the message that there's something wrong with them that needs to be fixed.

Gorjus it's the OP's child who is asking for therapy, would you refuse your child if they asked?

@PlanetMam thanks for your message. It's reassuring. Was there anything that happened or you did that led your daughter to desist from wanting to transition? Or was it just a case of growing out of a phase?

@EarPig

Gorjus it's the OP's child who is asking for therapy, would you refuse your child if they asked?

I wouldn't refuse, but nor would I agree without understanding what my child hoped to achieve by seeing a therapist. It may be that there are other options that could be considered.

[quote WankmasterBastardDeLaShithead]@pricklysheep would you mind sharing the name of that therapist?[/quote]
could you share it with me too please. I'm in Edinburgh and in the same boat

[quote bonbonours]@PlanetMam thanks for your message. It's reassuring. Was there anything that happened or you did that led your daughter to desist from wanting to transition? Or was it just a case of growing out of a phase?[/quote]
PM sent!

It looks like you are getting some great advice from plantmam. I hope you find a good professional who can help your child unpick some of the issues and thoughts.

Not all therapists are the same, but i recommend you wait to see this is a phase or not. Use the pronouns, accept them; but make sure you will love them what ever they identify as.

A group of therapists (recently?) set up the IATDD: the International Association of Therapists for Desisters and Detransitioners.

iatdd.com/

They include therapists based in the UK and Ireland. Even if your child isn’t a detransitioner/desister, maybe a therapist off this list would offer an approach that you’re looking for?

@saynotofondant

A group of therapists (recently?) set up the IATDD: the International Association of Therapists for Desisters and Detransitioners.

iatdd.com/

They include therapists based in the UK and Ireland. Even if your child isn’t a detransitioner/desister, maybe a therapist off this list would offer an approach that you’re looking for?

Worth 'pinning' this resource somewhere - it will be a lifeline for many.

I disagree with using preferred pronouns. I'd rather be rude than lie about your own child's sex. We gave birth to them after all. We KNOW.

And I don't understand. When we are with our children we call them by their name. And you/yours etc.