How to find a therapist who will explore other possibilities

[bonbonours]

My 14 year old daughter has said she wishes to be considered non binary. We have talked a lot about this over the past year but she is resolute and we have reluctantly agreed to use a non gendered name and pronouns.

I am extremely sceptical as she was an archetypal girly girl up to about 18 months ago. I'm convinced this comes out of not feeling like she fits in or measures up to society's high expectations for teenage girls/women. She is now inventing a back story whereby she has never felt female from a young age. I remember her childhood very clearly and she is basically taking other people's experiences and passing them off as her own.

She wants to see a therapist and I think this would be good. But I'm worried from things I've read that a lot of therapists seem to go straight to accepting a child is trans and starting down a route towards transition, whereas I'd like someone who can get her to explore other possibilities and perhaps get her to a point where she can accept herself as she is. If a therapist believes her stories of never having felt female, which are frankly nonsense, they might assume that she has deep seated dysphoria which I really don't believe she does.

I don't know how to go about finding a therapist who is more on the gender critical side than the trans-enabling side.

Not sure on the therapy front I’m afraid, but would it be possible to get her into any all girls clubs when they open back up? DD does girls football, dance and brownies and it seems to make a massive difference to her confidence. I think being around loads of different girls has showed her that there are sporty girls, girly girls, shy girls etc rather than one stereotype of what a girl is or looks like. It has also increased her body confidence as she sees her body being strong and good at sports. If she is feeling out of sorts in her body maybe this would help.

Sorry not to offer any more specific advice, my kids are younger so not a situation I have experienced but hope it resolves itself soon.

@bonbonours I am really sorry that you are all going through this.

The NHS advocates for the 'watchful waiting' approach - but I do know schools and many medical providers have been a little indoctrinated in to thinking that the only path is positive 'affirmation'. We have seen a 4000% rise in girls wanting to become boys in the last 5 years; some say that it's because being trans is more acceptable so that it's now more public, but others see it as being another form of female self-hatred - ie cutting and anorexia. My belief is that this is socially contagious - are there other kids she knows who are doing this? Can you look through her internet browsing history to see what she has been looking at?

First port of call I would suggest is Bayswater - https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk
They will offer support and might have a list of counsellors in the U.K. which will help with going deeper in to the root cause of the problem.

I would take heart in the fact that since the Keira Bell High Court ruling puberty blockers can't be prescribed to under 16s - and under 18s without a court order. This gives you some time.

https://www.transgendertrend.com/ is another great resource.

Also have a look at Lily Maynard's blog where she writes about her daughter who went through the same thing; but desisted and is now a happy young lesbian.

https://lilymaynard.com/

This is a very well written book describing what is happening to the generation of girls and young women across the western world: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Irreversible-Damage-Transgender-Seducing-Daughters/dp/1684510317

I wish you all the best. Your daughter is lucky that she has you as a Mum

@Mindtheclegs

Thanks I will have a look at these resources. I definitely think it is socially contagious. She had a close male friend who identified as female but has now gone back to using his male name (no idea if he still believes he is trans) and I definitely feel he was a strong influence on her in lots of ways, including this - quite a controlling relationship in lots of ways. We have tried to encourage her to step away from the relationship but it's hard.

Friends at school are all 'completely supportive' of this which I think actually means having started down a path she then feels she can't turn round and change her mind.

@Kanaloa thanks, unfortunately she used to do Guides but got bored with it (plus they have done nothing in lockdown, unlike my son's cub pack who have been on Zoom) and wanted to join Scouts instead as they seemed to do much more exciting stuff :-( the day didn't work and now I think she's too old to start. She does do karate (except not in lockdown) which she loves and definitely makes her feel strong, but there are hardly any other girls there.

I think just find one and then phone them for a chat.
You aren’t in Edinburgh are you? I can guess at one who’d fit.

@pricklysheep would you mind sharing the name of that therapist?

Oops @thepricklysheep

I would 100% get a Jungian Analyst

www.jungiananalysts.org.uk/find-an-analyst/

CBT or person centred would be pointless

@WankmasterBastardDeLaShithead

Oops *@thepricklysheep*

I’ll PM you. It’s just a hunch, but she never surprised me on anything else.

I follow some GC psych ppl on Twitter.. not sure of their locations but maybe worth contacting to see if they can help?
Robert D’Angelo
Susan Evans (ex GIDs)
Seerut K Chawla
Katie Alcock (expelled from Guiding for her views)
Dr Angie
InspiredTeenTherapy (in USA but has a YouTube account may be useful?)

I agree that looking into Keira’s story should be useful and that Transgender Trend will have good resources, may be able to point you towards more help.

It might be useful posting on FWR as well OP. A few posters there have daughters in similar circumstances and the topic has been discussed there as well (don't get the thread moved - you'll get good advice here too).

But transgendertrend will be very helpful to you.

You need to ensure she sees a child psychologist. They are trained in l aspects of therapy and will use different approaches depending on the issue. If you are in West Yorkshire OP I know an excellent clinical psychologist.

@Tomselleckhaskindeyes

You need to ensure she sees a child psychologist. They are trained in l aspects of therapy and will use different approaches depending on the issue. If you are in West Yorkshire OP I know an excellent clinical psychologist.

You're right, but it needs to be a child psychologist who is critical of the current trend to push children down the 'positive affirmation' path. That's tricky. Psychologists are reluctant to advertise that this is their way of practicing because they are likely to be witch-hunted / shamed / called 'transphobe' (I have heard of the mobs trying to cancel those who work in this way) if they even just question the fact that the child is 'born in the wrong body'.

It is ridiculous isn't it. Obviously loads to explore. Also if it is on the NHS they only have right resources And this kind of work takes a lot of time to work through.

I said psychologist rather than therapist as there are people who find it difficult to do this.

sorry to be dim but what is FWR?

It's the 'feminist women's rights' board here on MumsNet. I think under talk on a PC it's called women's rights..

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/counselling/dr-kirsty-entwistle/744787

Kirsty Entwhistle does online sessions. She’s one of the clinicians who left GIDS over the lack of clinical curiosity/affirmation only model, so she’s experienced with that particular patient group.

medium.com/@kirstyentwistle/an-open-letter-to-dr-polly-carmichael-from-a-former-gids-clinician-53c541276b8d

“we have reluctantly agreed to use a non gendered name and pronouns.”
continues to refer to them as your daughter and use she/her pronouns
Ummm.... okay

Nyx77 this is very difficult for a mother who gave birth to a daughter. She is describing the situation on a forum about her feelings about her daughter and that is important to the context of the issue. I think your post is not very helpful.

@nyx77 if I believed this was genuine gender dysphoria then I would make an effort to use the pronouns requested. The point of my post is that I don't think that is what is going on here, and I still consider my daughter female. Literally the only reason I have"agreed" to use these pronouns when speaking to her is because she refused to talk to us otherwise and when we are all stuck at home together I can't have that kind of conflict going on.

@bonbonours. And what psychic powers allow you to decide your child is wrong about their gender?
You can’t simply choose to see them as your daughter when they have explicitly stated they are not. I accept it may take some getting used to but you have to come to terms with the fact they are your child, the use gender neutral pronouns and [insert new name].
If later they decide they actually are a girl and want to go back to she/her pronouns, so be it. But they also might not.
You have to respect their identity if you want to continue being their mother

@prophetKaren

Hey women of this thread it has bean proven by scientists that if your child is gay they will die younger

Funny (Been though, not bean )