13 year old daughter has announced she's trans at Christmas Lunch

[PolyplaxSerrata]

I've name changed for this but yesterday, at lunch, DD3 announced she was Trans, we were to use the pronouns he/ him and a new name.
I had suspected something for a while as she's ( I'm going to use she to talk about her before she made this announcement) been using a binder for a year or so now and has wanted to dress in boys clothes for a bit.
I even asked her a couple of times if she was wondering about her gender but she's always told me that she was female, just didn't like boobs/ periods etc.
She has a dx of ASD with PDA traits and has had a long held fear of being kidnapped, which is why she likes to look like a boy.. She also has a friend at school who is trans and is influenced by people she follows online.
Our immediate family are being supportive but DH and I are concerned if transitioning is the right thing for her , given her DX and this belief that she is somehow safer as a boy. She has two older sisters , including one gay who seems to be responsible for yesterday's timing, and a younger brother.
I'd love to know if there are any organisations that I can contact that don't have an agenda for or against transitioning as I feel DD needs help to work out what is really going on.
We also have the worry that she is at a single sex school. They have some trans kids there but they go by they/ them and DD is insisting on he/ him.
Any suggestions of where to find help?
We will make a GPs appointment but I think the waiting lists are closed around us.

Ah bugger, I've put this in the wrong place haven't I? Sorry, no offence meant :(

I have seen transgender trend mentioned as a helpful source of information

Where I get a little uncomfortable with our post is the binding. To me how you dress, your name, your gender identity are all your own choice, but harming your body is more extreme. Transgender to me is different from body hate, but is usually conflated.

The DX of ASD makes her vulnerable to this. Transgender Trend ought to be able to help you find a path to helping her without getting her on a medical pathway which is irreversible.

I hope people can provide you with some useful links. Are you aware that the difficulties between trans rights and women's rights has led to mumsnet being a fairly robustly gender critical site? So you may get a lot of replies that are GC. It's worth reading up on here about it all, as mumsnet is now a source of huge wealth of knowledge on all things trans. The main things that jump out at me are that your child is a girl with ASD - not only is there a big rise in teenagers transitioning, but by far the most likely to want to are teenage girls with autism.

Breast binding and hormones can have some pretty horrific side effects, and many people who believe they want to transition, later detransition and are happier for it, so if you can steer them towards not doing anything to physically change their body for a few years until they are sure, that can be the healthiest way forward imo. They can of course use the pronouns they want and ask to be called whatever name they want and dress however they want in the meantime.

Many (most) lgbtq+ organisations like Stonewall are strongly pro-trans, meaning they state strongly that you should affirm the child's choices and treat with puberty blockers as soon as possible. They tend to teach that gender is a feeling and can be guilty of conflating the terms gender with biological sex.

Transgender Trend is one of the (few) websites that argues against what Stonewall and others are encouraging teachers to teach in school regarding gender and transitioning. It's well worth a read as it has lots of resources for parents trying to understand the issue.

Finally it's also worth getting to know the language sounds the subject - particularly the difference between Gender Dysphoria and Autogynaephiles (AGP), and recognising that AGPs who tend to be older white powerful men before transitioning are those who are driving the lobbying of places like schools and who are behind stonewall's position.

There is a LOT to take in. Do ask questions here as and when you need xxx

We have moved this to LGBT Children at the OP's request.

Transgender Trend is good. There's also 4th Wave Now which is "a community of parents & others questioning the medicalization of gender-atypical youth". You'll find lots of resources in both places.

Closer to hand, there's a ROGD parent support thread on the Feminism Chat board. If you're not familiar with the term, ROGD stands for rapid onset gender dysphoria - which is what your child - well, your whole family is experiencing.

A lot of parents in your position have found Feminism Chat a supportive and very knowledgeable place.

Thanks for the help everyone.
It's really hard to be supportive of your child when you aren't sure it is the right thing :(

a few things to say!

1. be supportive no matter what!

1. hate to say it, but mumsnet is an extremely hateful place when it comes to trans rights. you're going to get some really biased opinions on here.

1. transitioning is a long process. there are no snap decisions, so it's not like anything medical could happen in the next few years anyway if they decide this is what they want to do.

1. please don't restrict their ability to bind- if they aren't already using a proper binder (GC2B does amazing ones), i would consider buying them one. they are safe, and not getting a proper one will encourage home solutions such as bandages which are so so so dangerous.

1. don't be swayed by the whole "trans people make others trans!!!!" bs (sorry). if your kid has a trans friend and is now coming out, it's probably because they've realised they relate to their friend a lot more, and they feel it's doable.

1. there's an organisation called genderedintelligence that runs groups and activities for trans and questioning teens and their parents. it's really great to talk to others in the same situation, both for you and your child.

i really hope things work out. id be happy to answer any questions :)

source: mother to a happy trans child :)

@PolyplaxSerrata we have a tran young person in our wider family. They came out at Christmas a few years ago and it was a big shock. Look after them and yourself. If you want to talk, pm me.

It's very tough but I am sure you will continue to love, love, love them and guide them where you can.

You will get all sorts of opinions on Mumsmet, use it for support or advice but remember everyone has their own take on this very emotive topic.

Really glad to see you over on Feminism Chat, PolyplaxSerrata. Hope you find it helpful. I know other parents of gender dysphoric kids have.

I hate to say it, but mumsnet is an extremely hateful place when it comes to trans rights. you're going to get some really biased opinions on here.

There's no hate. What there is is realism and caution. The medical transing of children is an ethical minefield and imo is going to be a far, far bigger medical scandal than Thalidomide.

Mumsnet is a parenting site. How many parents would want follow a course of action that can lead to their child becoming a lifelong medical patient, or being sterilised?

Medical treatment of gender dysphoria is immensely harmful. Puberty blockers and cross sex hormones will sterilise a child before they're old enough to vote.

By contrast 80% of children managed by watchful waiting will grow out of their gender dysphoria once puberty is past. Most of these children turn out to be gay or lesbian. Members of staff at the only NHS gender clinic for children have said that medical transition of these kids is a form of conversion therapy - transing the gay away.

Human beings can't change sex. There's no getting round that. Surgery and medication can create features that copy the opposite sex but it's seldom very convincing, though FtMs are more likely to pass.

But it's not something anyone would choose unless they absolutely had to. Transgender people find their pool of potential partners is very much reduced and their health is compromised, sometimes significantly.

If a parent can support their child to overcome this phase then of course they should. And it's very definitely a phase. In one school a dozen girls in one year group identify as boys.

When I was young it was eating disorders. More recently it was cutting. Now it's binding and gender dysphoria. I'm not discounting the genuine anguish behind these fashions but there are definitely fashions.

She has been binding her breasts since 12? That can't be good for her as she develops can it? I would stick with the boys clothes and use whatever names and pronouns she wants. I would worry about going to the GP as she is very young to start medication.

Transgender Trend are not neutral regarding transition. I suggest you look into a variety of organisations including those which are in oppositionto TransgenderTrend (eg Gendered Intelligence), not just one. In my opinion Mumsnet is generally very anti-trans as many who post about trans issues on here believe that changing sex is scientifically impossible and as such transitioningfrom male to female, or female to male is not ok. You may agree with that view, if so then you will be happy with comments and advice given on here. If you are undecided, there is loads online both in favour of early transition and against.

Whatever happens, take time to process this. Good luck

@Prawnofthepatriarchy those are exactly the views that drive so many trans kids to suicide. i can't change your mind but i hope one day you're able to understand that forcing a child to live a life that makes them unhappy, after they've trusted you enough to tell you something like this, is ridiculously harmful. in the meantime, i hope you never have trans kids, for their sake.

have a good day

My brother decided he was trans for a while. He bought female clothes and toiletries, told family and some friends and changed his name on orders etc to a female one. This was mostly down to him chatting to other trans people online who were telling him the best way to convince doctors and phrases to use etc. He's definitely not trans now, 3 years later. Our family was very accepting, no one told him they thought he was wrong. We all supported him and kept an interest in how he was but didn't force anything. He decided he was wrong and was just confused. Can you imagine if we'd have rushed him straight to the doctors and asked for medication?

Luzina I don't understand some of your remarks - changing sex is scientifically impossible, there's no debate about that surely? But of course an individual can choose to live in a way that conforms more with the gender identify of a different sex, as most people see it. And adults wanting to do that should be supported. But a child?

My asc dd also announced she was trans at a similar age. She had become obsessed with watching trans YouTube videos and was desperate to identity with something, possibly because of her struggles socially.

We decided to watch and wait, despite cahms suggestion of a GIC. We supported her need to present as male but emphasised gender is a social construct etc etc - we said she could dress/call herself what she wanted but she could never biologically become male. 2 years later she grew out her hair and 4 years later she presents fully as a woman.

My advice would be to follow your dds lead, don't make suggestions and stick to the facts. And don't be pressured into the gic route - its something she can decide for herself when she's an adult.

Please don't take the advice of Transgender Trend. They are a transphobic organisation who are doing so much harm to young trans people. I say this from a professional perspective and as the mum of a trans child of 13.

I echo Gendered Intelligence being a good source of info/support and also, depending on where you are, if you have a nearby LGBT centre, they are usually very good and should be able to offer support to you and your dc.

Feel free to pm me if you want to chat but I think the best thing we can do as parents is love and support our children for who they are right now. Yes, this may change but it also might not and they need to know that we love them no matter what.

I'd rather have a trans child who is here and happy than they be another tragic statistic because they haven't had the support the need x

those are exactly the views that drive so many trans kids to suicide. i can't change your mind but i hope one day you're able to understand that forcing a child to live a life that makes them unhappy, after they've trusted you enough to tell you something like this, is ridiculously harmful. in the meantime

Could you link to the evidence for that please, or are you just repeating the emotional blackmail mantra that you read online? It doesn’t help the OP to frighten her with lies and it also goes against the advice of The Samaritans, who, unlike you, are the experts.

Transgender Trend encourage a watch and wait approach, rather than pushing your child towards organisations whose soul aim is to encourage your child to transition. There is absolutely no harm in you approaching them and making up your own mind. I would be more wary of those using emotional blackmail of false suicide statistics and accusations of transphobia in order to discourage you from getting the neutral and supportive help you need.

Transgender trend are not transphobic, what a ridiculous thing to say

Personally I'd ignore any organisation that peddles the suicide soundbites. It's all about the coin IMO.

Good luck OP.

Mumsnet can be very critical of transgender issues so bear this in mind when seeking advice here. Mermaids is a charity that may be of help.

It is scientifically impossible to change sex. That is an absolute fact. You sound lovely and supportive OP and transgender trend will be also.

Gosh. Your poor dd and you. Trying to navigate this very difficult area. Please try not to be overly influenced by stonewall et al. Children are told to to say they’re suicidal to get fast tracked access to hormones. The suicidal figures are said to be massively over inflated. The pharmaceutical companies are making money out of the exploitation of children. Idk if you’ve seen this news report for example about the nhs overdiagnosing children.

this belief that she is somehow safer as a boy

OP, you say that like it's nonsense.

It's not hard to see why any girl feels they'd be safer if they were a boy, is it?