11 year old dd has just come out

[newmum0808]

I would like some advice please. My DD has come out as gay. It's obviously fine, not a surprise at all.....bar the fact she is announcing it at 11.

She's posting it on her whatsapp profile picture (the only social media she has access too). 11 seems young to know what gender you are attracted to, but my gay friends have said they've always known. I've asked her how she knows and she said she has a crush and refused to discuss it further.
Should I just leave her to it? How can I support her?

And I've just realised this is not the place for this question..... Any advice on how I get it moved?

Dont say anything that may sound like you are diminishing what she is thinking. Just say Thats ok. She shouldnt be using any social media at her age. I would probably gently discourage her from making announcements simply explain that there are some nasty people out there who would use any excuse to be unkind. And even nice people ma not understand until they are a little older. Tell her its fine but it is a very personal and perhaps private thing at the moment

Report the post and ask mumsnet to move it is how you get it moved.

Sounds like your dd doesnt have any issues sharing with you so I am guessing you are approachable, supportive and doing exactly what you should be. No real advice sorry.

Hi op
You’ll know of course that lots of young crushes on either sex are not signifiers of any settled sexuality at all. Could be she is/will be gay - could be she isn’t/won’t be. Seems very early for her to identify herself on social media.
Wait patiently. See what transpires.
Good luck.

I am gay. I definitely knew I was gay at the age of 11. My parents are homophobic. As a result I did not feel able to tell my parents until the age of 38. Be proud that your daughter has confided in you. Let her know you are available to talk at any time. She may feel differently later on in life, or she may always identify as gay. Just continue to be supportive and non-judgemental. Best wishes to you and your brave daughter.

I don't think 11 is too young to know what gender she is attracted to. I remember being very young and knowing I was straight. I suspect most people know from a young age.

I understand there is an organisation called PFLAG which is support for the families of gay people. Perhaps you should reach out to them for help, you deserve to have someone to talk to about this.

I knew I was straight at 11 and wasn’t attracted to girls so I don’t see why you think she wouldn’t know.

The Childline website (www.childline.org.uk is really informative and helpful for young people and for parents.

I think it''s great that she can tell you how she feels, and trust you not to be judgmental.

I knew I was attracted to girls as well as boys by 11 and my first kiss was with a girl at that age. I remember having crushes before this on tv people and always knowing I found both attractive. My gay friends have said similar.

I think there is more information and acceptance generally now too so people feel comfortable talking about it earlier, whereas I didn't actually say I was bi until I was 16 even though I had a girlfriend and a boyfriend before this age.

Hello @newmum0808 - we're just moving this for you now.

I’d started to understand my own sexuality by 11-12. I think I fully understood that I wasn’t straight by the time I was 12-13.

I think that a lot of straight people have these experiences too but because it doesn’t differ from the norm, you don’t register it. I’ll guess you could have said that you didn’t fancy girls by that age?

Just be supportive and don’t ask her to justify herself, in the same way that you wouldn’t expect her to justify herself if she had a crush on a boy. Her preferences might bend and flex as she gets older, or they might not, but knowing she has her mum’s acceptance is the important thing here.

I agree with most people and I definitely knew i was straight when I was that age although didn’t really know the word ‘straight’. Massive crush on Johnny depp from whose eating Gilbert grape? X

Children are a lot more fluid in their beliefs and how they see others than we were growing up. It isn’t so outrageous these days for a girl to have a girlfriend then a girlfriend, who was born male and identifies as a girl then decide you are opposite sex attracted when you’re an adult. I’m not saying this is the case for your dd or trying to disprove her feelings. I’m just trying to explain life is a lot more fluid for children these days.

As for how you can support her. I am not in your position. My dd is the same age but seems to be heterosexual and is starting to have crushes. I’m letting dd define herself and know she can confide in me for anything. If I were in your shoes, I’d be letting your dd know as she gets closer to adulthood that she can be attracted exclusively to adult human females and doesn’t have to feel forced into any kind of romantic relationship with trans women.

@newmum0808 How old were you when you realised you were straight?

Firstly op the fact that she felt able to share it with you so young and confidently says so much about your parenting and relationship and you should be proud of you both.

My dsd came out as bi about 2 years ago but we already knew, it wasnt an annoucement as such just a general chat. She was 13, she has crushes, we also had a period of thinking she was a boy for a time. Teens are open to lots more information and ideals then we were. So they are more willing to explore their identities. My advice is just listen, she will have lots of questions and maybe even struggle to contemplate her feelings of being gay as she gets older she might even decide she straight after all, time will tell. All you can do is remind her you love her and answer any questions she might have.

I am a gay woman and I realised I was gay probably around 11. I had an idea before but didn't understand what it meant fully until I was around 11. Asking her how she knows won't really work because other than her crush she might not know how she knows, just that she feels it. How did you know you are straight?

Just leave her to it and as long as she knows she can talk to you that's all that matters!

The main thing is she feels she can talk to you, which is great. The social media stuff - well, she has social media, so she's going to use it. She will probably find a lot of support from like minded people out there, as long as she uses social media safely and sensibly - you have a role in this as her mother.

I have two gay DDs - life is so much easier out there for gay teens than it used to be even only 10 years ago. Yes, they will meet shitty homophobic people, but it won't be the case that their whole environment at school is hostile.

My ds came out age 11, I just told him that I loved him whatever he was but to me he would always just be him. I told him that he was very young to put a label on himself, he had to finish his education & had a lot more important things that needed to be concentrated on first, that he had all of his life to make his mind up & he may change his mind several times before he arrived at what he wanted to be, but I was proud of him for being brave enough to tell me what he thought & if at the end of it all he was still sure he was gay I would be there for him & would always be proud that he was my son.

I didn't know I was straight at 11 to be honest, though I do believe a lot of people will know at that age. The only thing I would question is the coming out on social media - what is she hoping this will lead to? I wouldn't want my dc of that age writing anything about their sexual orientation on the internet at that age ffs.

I knew I was gay at 11, tried to come out at 21 to my mum who told me I didn’t know yet, came out again at 33 when I met my now fiancée. It’s true you can know when very young.

Gosh - a lot of deleted messages here! Shouldn’t be surprised really but god people can be vile!!

Whether they are 11 or 14, as a parent it always feels that really they must be too young to know! They’re not though and what a hugely brave thing it must be at this age to come out. What I would say though is that this may or may not change, my eldest DD came out as a lesbian at 15, she now at 25 identifies as pan sexual and has had relationships with both men and women. Her current girlfriend is gender fluid and biologically male.

I appreciate its a big mental change and quite honestly, don’t be hard on yourself if you mourn the life you’d thought she’d have a bit. That bit for me as a liberal was hard - I hadn’t expected to have that reaction! I did speak to a charity that works with families of LGBT children and they told me that these feelings were very normal.

Over 10 years on, quite frankly I don’t care who she dates as long as they are kind, decent human beings and make her happy! In terms of advice, quite simply, have her back. Teenage children can be complete dicks and while the world is moving on, name calling doesn’t seem too. The word ‘gay’ is still thrown around as a term of abuse and something wrong and weird. If this is getting her down, pay for counselling (my DD started to self harm, CAMHS were useless, private counselling far less so). Welcome girlfriends into your house as you would boyfriends.

Good luck OP!

This is really interesting, thank you for posting. My dd is 11 and has just said she thinks she is gay. But then went on to say possibly bi.

I said to her that obviously that would be fine, but she is very young to know. That seems to go down ok.

It’s never really been something I’ve thought of in terms of the person she might be but I guess it’s just a case of being supportive and not really worrying about it.