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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

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Original poster

11 year old dd has just come out

39 replies

newmum0808 · 14/12/2019 12:43

I would like some advice please. My DD has come out as gay. It's obviously fine, not a surprise at all.....bar the fact she is announcing it at 11.

She's posting it on her whatsapp profile picture (the only social media she has access too). 11 seems young to know what gender you are attracted to, but my gay friends have said they've always known. I've asked her how she knows and she said she has a crush and refused to discuss it further.
Should I just leave her to it? How can I support her?

OP posts:
Kablam · 22/02/2020 05:34

Sexuality is confusing, and it is fluid! Your daughter knows that she is gay, and she had the bravery to let you know that! It may change down the line as she learns more about herself, but this is her truth right now, and she is living it. Support her.
When did you know you were straight? Probably younger than 11, right?

hannahfaith · 22/02/2020 20:58

I begun coming out at age 12-13 to friends at school and things like that. As long as dd is happy and safe all you can do is support her. You're very lucky that she trusted you to come to you; really shows how you are as a parent.

ZandathePanda · 03/03/2020 11:42

It’s very popular at the secondary school I know for girls to announce they are pansexual on social media. At this school it usually starts Year 8/9. There is then an outpouring of ‘you’re are so brave’ tweets etc. A big love-fest. Some then decide to be something else. The ‘switch’ to something else not challenged which is nice but interesting as I would have thought pupils would berate them. What is challenged is any perceived form of transphobia or homophobia which can be exhausting as it’s difficult to keep up with all the nuances of what is right to say.
In truth is it a very confusing age and social media isn’t helping. Discussion about sexuality is constant. It is eye-opening how open all the discussions are but I do feel for the genuinely gay girls as I know of several pansexual girls who then ‘decided’ they were straight. Keep this in mind for your Dd if she is gay. All of this is a new minefield.

I would keep a very open mind especially if there’s an ‘announcement’ on social media. She may be/ she may be not. But let her know she’s loved and she can change her mind at anytime or not without judgement from you what ever she decides/is/feels/prefers.

DoulaDaisy · 28/04/2020 15:17

My DD is 11 and told us at 10.5 that she liked both girls and boys. She is very open about it to us, and her siblings. She is the oldest. She knows, because she has her own mind and has always grown up to know what being gay, straight or bi is.

Gwynfluff · 28/04/2020 15:26

Also have an out daughter. Older though and another child who said one thing at 11 and then changed it fairly soon after. Got LGB friends who have always known and others who said they don’t think people know until they are 20.

Still loads of homophobia but also in some milieus a lot of positive support and much higher rates of queerness, for want off a better word, than when I was at school.

I’ve never brought into the idea that a heteronormative life is ‘correct’ or brings you different things to being in same-sex relationships. I believe this even less having lived through the social changes of the last 20 years and my own experience. So I’ve not felt any feelings of mourning.

I’d go with the posters saying treat it as no big deal, completely normal and just talk about her crushes, if she tells you about them, as you would with any kid.

missyB1 · 28/04/2020 15:28

Hmmm she may be gay and that’s great I’m sure you will make her feel loved and supported whatever., and I’m sure you’ve told her that.
But why oh why are our kids (and at 11 she’s still very young) feeling the need to share such private details about themselves on social media? Is it that (as pp described) that making “an announcement” is cool these days? Has she seen classmates making these announcements and felt the need to join in? To be honest this situation would be prompting me to think seriously about my 11 year old’s access to, and behaviour on, social media. I would want a long chat about privacy and safety.

CheriLittlebottom · 28/04/2020 15:42

I would just be on the lookout for bullying - being a lesbian is still regarded as the least cool of the sexualities, and there's likely to be some bitchy behaviour / comments directed her way at some point. Also be on the lookout for attempts at transing - the 4000% rise in young teen girls being referred to the gender identity services has been very clearly linked to the social pressure to be trans instead of being a lesbian, as for some reason it's seen as better to be "really a boy in the wrong body" than it is to be a homosexual female. Try to monitor her internet usage, keep her away from Tumblr where there is a lot of material promoting this veiwpoint. Make sure she knows you are ok with her being gay and that there's nothing wrong with it.

Chat about privacy and boundaries. Remind her that sharing personal details on the internet in any form is generally unwise.

As she gets older you may need to look into the pressure lesbians are under to accept transwomen (male bodied) as romantic and sexual partners. Again, emphasise boundaries and consent and make sure she knows it isn't transphobic not to want to have a relationship with someone she sees (legitimately) as male.

CodenameVillanelle · 28/04/2020 15:44

Did you not have crushes on boys at age 11? I did. My DS is 11 and definitely knows he likes girls. Why should it be weird to know you're gay at 11 when it's perfectly normal to know you're straight?
It's amazing that she's come out to you and feels ok to share this with friends. Just give her guidance about how this is her own information and she may want to have a bit more control about who knows it about her rather than sharing it widely.

Crazycrazylady · 29/04/2020 20:46

My very young nearly 10 year is definitely no where near mature enough to even comment on his sexuality. He still closes his eyes when kissing comes on the tele. They are still so young..

missyB1 · 29/04/2020 21:29

Crazycrazy my 11year old ds is the same. Couldn’t give two hoots about girls, sighs and moans if something “mushy” comes on TV. He’s still a little boy.

Branleuse · 28/05/2020 16:02

my dd is 12 and has been saying shes a lesbian for about a year, and told me she was pansexual at 10. She has a girlfriend.
I dont think its too young to know, and even if it changes over time, shes not signing a contract or running off to marry anyone. I dont see it as a big deal.

spikeymama · 19/07/2020 08:49

Good post MoggTheCat. I’m straight (though have dabbled) so def know not for me. I’m glad you eventually managed to out to your parents. They must have known deep down. Hope you are happy. X

Ballybeyondthepail · 21/07/2020 09:51

I knew that I didn't like boys at that age, though it took me a while to realise there was an alternative ( 30 years ago, conservative country)
Support her and treat her just as you would as if she was interested in boys at that age. But without the contraception talk I guess...

MumInCrisis123 · 09/08/2020 23:43

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