I have a transgender teenage elephant in my room

[starfishsunrise]

It's nearly 2 years since I posted that I don't believe my son is transgender. I can't do a link but if someone else can add one please feel free.

I got a fair bit of moaning last time. I want to remind anyone reading that I love him and I like him. I just don't believe him. If he became part of a religious cult or similar I'd feel the same.

I'm grateful for all the PMs I got. There was one from a young transgender person which was especially lovely. If you are out there, thanks.

So far in the 2 years since I little has changed. He hasn't had an hair cut in a few years.
He's wearing mostly the same clothes. Shirt and jeans, sometimes leggings.
Although he has a padded bra he wears under some jumpers and thinks we can't tell. Occasionally he puts women's underwear in the washing basket.
It makes me feel sad. Sad for him more than me. He's a boy. I cannot come to terms with it. Be gay, be straight, dress how you want but don't pretend to be a girl.
Don't take hormone and chop your body up. Please don't. He's know how I feel. He's not concerned with any consequences. He sees no pitfalls physically.
In my head the compromise would be Eddie Izzard when he first became famous 20 odd years ago. A bloke who liked wearing women's clothes. Although I think he's different now.

I can see no signs in him of why he feels like this. I have asked, he can't explain.
In my mind I think I could be more accepting if I recognised anything. For lack of any better expressions, he is not 'camp' We don't live in a ' macho' environment. There is nothing 'feminine ' about him.

My son doesn't speak about his 'situation ' He just says I'm transphobic. And shuts down.
I ALWAYS emphasise how much I love him even if I disagree with him.

We don't get to see any of his social media etc. I assume he's on transgender forums who are feeding him this crap. He's says he is fully researched and he is going to have all the operations and treatments he can get hold of. He's off to uni this time next year and is likely to get a place on an traditionally fairly male subject. I think he wants to go as a girl with a new name. I hope they accept him and his choices don't harm him.

It's coming up to his 18th birthday. I wonder if that's when it's going to all happen? It makes my heart sink to think he is making life difficult for himself.

If it's a phase, as I'd hoped, it's a long one.
If it's real then he's keeping a lot bottled up.

If you truly love your child you should try to accept her for who she is. Do research as to how a transgender person might feel, or even better, just ask her how she feels!!! Try to be empathetic to your child. Transgender does not inherently equal mutilation. Don't try to change her mind, that will just damage your relationship further, instead try to meet her where she's at. Not every parent is one hundred percent correct all the time, and I think you should come to terms with that. Again, just do research and try to understand how your daughter feels.

Thank you @lisandria, this is so helpful!

I agree with RuffleCrow. I couldn’t pretend to believe a person can change biological sex because they can’t, I don’t care how my children identify or what they choose to wear but they are boys that reality will never change. Difficult situation op, I feel for you.

OP, I feel for you. Honestly though, you're driving your poor son away :( whatever you think of him, show how you will ALWAYS be there. He can always come back to you. If this does all go away, he shouldn't be too ashamed to return to you.

I also think you should tell him calmly that although you dont agree, you will call him she if he likes. This might sound counter-intuitive, but if you are doing all these things calmly and with class, he has nothing to feel rejected about. He can still come back to you. You can not agree with him but still say 'I respect your choice', just like when parents let teenagers do other things they think are ridiculous. Nothing else has worked, so why not try it this way?

He will know that you dont really think of him as she, but you're showing how you're still trying to be kind.

@ruffleCrow and @ThePittz do you have children? I really dont think that's going to help the op with her son.

He's not going to look back and go "oh yeah mum was right", more like "why couldn't she just be kind and let me deal with it"

There is a growing UK group of parents who wish to support their trans-identifying children without affirmation or encouraging transition. We oppose the medicalisation of our children and believe the way forward to be through psychotherapy.

Like gay conversion therapy? What a ground breaking idea.

Don't take any crap from him. When he tells you you're transphobic you can retort that he's reality-phobic.Don't pander to him. Ultimately he's going to do what he wants to his body and reap the long term consequences. Once he's an adult all you can do is not enable him and not allow him to make it his mark of rebellion.

The most callous and foolish post I've seen here in a long time. Please ignore this dreadful advice, OP. This is your son who clearly has deep struggles and is entitled to your support.

And if you follow that advice, he may well not make it to adulthood. And if he does, I doubt you'll see him again.

@lisandria just wanted to add I too hope you find peace within yourself. You’re obviously intelligent and have put a lot of thought into things.

O/p can you find some therapy for your child? I’d be inclined to let them dress and present how they want, say you’ll support them but they need to start therapy.

Being a female on a traditionally male degree will be hard. There is still a lot of sexism around girls aren’t good at maths/engineering and it can be very isolating when it’s you vs. “The boys”. Therapy will help prepare.

Like gay conversion therapy? What a ground breaking idea

Doubt it. Probably more about exploration of their feelings towards their body and why they feel like the opposite sex, why their lives will be better and how physical change will help.

Vs. Straight into hormones and surgery and affirming that humans can change sex.

Yes I have children.

Pps comment is nothing like gay conversion. I couldn’t go along with my child believing they can change their biology as they can’t. It must be horrific to see your child planning irreparable damage to their body, that doesn’t mean I’d love them any less.

@ThePittz
You see it as damaging our bodies, we see it as easing the damage. It took me many years to take the risk of going on HRT, knowing the struggles I may put myself into. But on the other hand, there was always this question on what would happen if I don't try. Therapy didn't help, working yourself to death to avoid facing the inevitable didn't help as well, so what's next? Yet another decade of suffering doesn't seem very compelling, so why not giving HRT a chance. Like many others, for whatever reason, it helped, much more than I ever expected. Maybe, for some, it doesn't. Therapy is certainly needed since we often have comorbidities running along, but it doesn't seem to help when it’s coming to fixing the core issue. I tried many years to fix myself and run away from this mess, trying to avoid all the medical and social issues I would load onto myself, but I failed.

And I want to add that people who approach the issue from a more classical viewpoint will often agree that we can't change sex, but in the end it doesn't really change much. We still need some solution to our problem so we run with the best fix. It's shitty to rely on the kindness of your family and strangers to just feel normal, to not constantly have to justify yourself. But I guess at some point you just have to go your way and leave the ones behind who want you to stay in a shell from a foreign world.

@starfishsunrise
"In my head the compromise would be Eddie Izzard when he first became famous 20 odd years ago. A bloke who liked wearing women's clothes."

Why should your child have to compromise here?! If they identify as female, they shouldn't have to make a compromise with you just because you do not want them to physically transition. I understand you're probably going through a grieving process for the child you thought you had in your son, but you are being so unreasonable here by saying "why don't they just cross-dress instead if transitioning" and being plain rude by saying things like "pretending to be a woman" (can't remember if that was in this thread or your different thread)

• If your child identifies as a woman, then they are a woman.
• Gender is different to sex.
• They can choose their gender.

If you disagree with those 3 statements, you're transphobic and that's very likely to be the reason why your daughter is refusing to discuss the matter with you. It really doesn't surprise me that they shut down any conversation with you about it.

If your child says they are trans then you should take them seriously. As well as you may think you know them, no one knows what’s going on in their head better than them. Reading articles online about transgender individuals is not going to change your child’s gender, and that is a very transphobic idea. All that reading about trans people will do is make your child realise that they aren’t alone and that other people feel the same way as them. Put your child on the NHS wait list to see a gender therapist. It’s not as simple as going in one day and coming out the next day with hormones. You have to see multiple therapists multiple times and the detransition rate is absolutely tiny. Less than 2%, a majority of whom have detransition do due to being surrounded by transphobia.

Very worrying that this stuff continues.............................

I have a son who told me he was transgender at 24. He is 25 and has gotten hormones to begin transitioning. I’m in the states and it’s unbelievably easy. Just a trip to planned parenthood. He too never showed any signs growing up. My husband and I have been blindsided. He is in the autism spectrum.

It may be hard to come to terms with.

But you need to support your child! You cannot refer it to as 'pretending to be a girl'. If your child feels as though they're a girl then accept it for what it is.

You'll do more damage to her mental health in the long run dismissing it and pretending it doesn't exist.

I gave birth to a boy.

No amount of berating by strangers on the internet who have not lived through this will make me change.

HE can PRETEND to be a woman.
He can't say he feels like a woman because who knows what that feels like? We are all different.

I love him and I am, and always be to my dying breath, there him. I can even call him by his chosen name.
But people cannot change sex.

You cannot refer it to as 'pretending to be a girl'. If your child feels as though they're a girl then accept it for what it is.
So what ACTUALLY makes him a girl? You're saying it's just a feeling. What is that then if not pretending? You can't force someone to believe something that isn't true. OP you sound very loving and supportive in what is a very difficult situation.

If they refuse to discuss the situation with you and shut you down with accusations and abuse then they are not mature enough to deal with society they are what? 18 now or almost 18? Time to stop with the tantrums if you want to change your body change your name you need to advocate for yourself which means engaging with people peacefully not

Your transphobic
Your mean
You dont understand

How exactly is that helpful? My son asked me once how I made a cake I had a choice talk to him and explain or shut him down tell him to Google it or say why don't you already know

Reality is that a child is born in a sexed body and however much they change the appearance of that body every chromosome in that body is the same as it was at birth.

A child identifying as a woman is only a woman if born female.

Many homophobic people encourage transition as gay conversion therapy.

Transition is very damaging to the body.

No-one hates trans people for experiencing feelings that they would rather be a different sex, they are to be pitied. As with anything else that would be very damaging to a child you need to make sure they are fully aware of what they are risking and if they absolutely have to do this. If so you support them

OP you said your child sees no pitfalls physically. That is nonsense and they need to read some of the stories about exactly what is involved, including the inability to orgasm, the need to delay hormones if you want enough penile tissue to invert for a vagina, the need to dilate regularly to stop it closing up, the inability to have your own biological children unless you freeze sperm.

To qoute "Oestrogen therapy for maleto-female (MTF) transgender individuals is associated with venous
thromboembolism (VTE) - it is therefore recommended that patients over the
age of 40 years are prescribed transdermal oestrogen patches instead of oral
preparations to reduce this risk. The main risk associated with testosterone
therapy in female-to-male (FTM) transgender individuals is polycythaemia
therefore regular FBC monitoring is recommended."

If your child has really thought this through they should be able to discuss the risks with you. Call them she, recognise their distress, discuss if transition is the only way to alleviate it.

Studies on bran scans have shown differences actually.

Brain

Even if this is all true op, what are you hoping to gain by denying him?

It’s not going to work. You will only lose him.