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LGBT children

This board is primarily for parents of LGBTQ+ children to share personal experiences and advice. Others are welcome to post but please be respectful that this is a supportive space.

Original poster

What to call my trans child

33 replies

HardcoreLadyType · 15/08/2017 15:30

My DD came out as trans some time ago. The GP referred her to CAMHS, who referred her to counselling at school, but she didn't really get on with the counsellor, who told her she was being influenced by others. (I'm inclined to agree, but of course that wasn't what DD wanted to hear.)

She has a close friend from her class who has also come out as trans, who is now moving to a new school, where she will start life as a boy. She told me this, and was somewhat bitter that things haven't moved as quickly for her.

I have explained to her that I will always love her as she is, but as a gender critical feminist, I don't believe that people are innately one gender or another. We have a sex, and then society expects us to conform to the gender that it associates with that sex, whether we "identify" with it, or not. I believe people should be allowed to express their personality and style however they want to, but that it is not possible to change one's sex, and that there is no "male brain" or "female brain". I believe there is no right way to be a girl, and that a masculine girl is still a girl.

I made the analogy to her that she might decide that she is a Muslim, and that would be fine, but she couldn't also expect me to believe in the teachings of the Koran. (I also pointed out that the trans ideology is like a religion, as it is based on feelings.)

Over the past few years I have bought her clothes from the men's wear sections of shops, including pants. I have allowed her to wear binders, until I discovered how restrictive they are, and I have now hidden them away. She hasn't asked for them back, so I have avoided that topic for the moment.

I don't want to encourage her to make too many changes, as I know that many people desist, and she is more likely than not to be one of those people, so I want to make reversing the decision as easy for her as possible, if that is what she decides to do.

My current issue is that she wants to be called a boy's name. Should I use this name out of politeness? Afterall, if she had chosen a different girl's name I would use that. But a boy's name just seems like affirmation that I am accepting that she is a boy.

I think it's worth saying that I am in the process of arranging an assessment for her for ASD. This is something she asked for, having done some online tests. Various family members are "on the spectrum".

Thoughts would be welcome.

OP posts:
CauliflowerSqueeze · 15/08/2017 15:36

This is very hard. How old is she?

Perhaps she could choose a name which is neither a boy's name or a girl's name or one which is both? Like River or something?
If she chooses a name like Keith then it's going to be harder possibly?

TheNoseyProject · 15/08/2017 15:38

Oh that's hard. Is it an out and out boys name or more unisex (or maybe in her parlance 'non binary')?

It sounds like you're doing a brilliant job of walking a hard path!Flowers

clairethewitch70 · 15/08/2017 15:40

I would encourage a gender neutral name such as Alex, Sam, Chris, Robin/Robyn, Ashley/Ashleigh etc

honeysucklejasmine · 15/08/2017 15:40

No advice, but you're handling this v well. Flowers

SnickersWasAHorse · 15/08/2017 15:40

I'm not a parent of a trans child but I do have a younger family member who is trans. We call them by their new name and have all got used to it quite quickly. I think that using a new name has helped a lot and has made them feel more in control.

Butterymuffin · 15/08/2017 15:41

Yes a unisex / non binary name seems like a decent solution. Wishing you well as it sounds very tough all round.

RatRolyPoly · 15/08/2017 15:42

I have only limited input I'm afraid with not much relevant experience, but I am a woman with a "man's" name. So from my perspective there's nothing overly symbolic in using the name your dc requests; you needn't be accepting that using it means she IS another sex, just that she is female (biologically speaking) with a name that society deems to be male. Not all that different from wearing "boys'" clothing, is it?

IdentifiesAsASloth · 15/08/2017 15:43

I also think you are doing a great job of guiding them through this awkward stage.

I think I would call her by her name of choice but explain that there will be times you slip up. It's like you asking her to call you dad from now on. It doesn't come naturally.

OlennasWimple · 15/08/2017 15:43

Difficult.

If she is adamant that she wants to be called Keith rather than Krista, and there is no way that she will consider something unisex like Kite, then I think I would agree to call her that. But I would also say that I know I am going to slip up sometimes, and she shouldn't take it as an insult when I do so, and that she should not take it as an endorsement of her plans to trans. I would be saving my argument for something like the binders or hormones, rather than names (important as they are for many reasons)

RatRolyPoly · 15/08/2017 15:48

The more I think about it the more I think you should use the chosen name, even if it is out and out male. Otherwise you're actually giving credence to the idea that she NEEDS to "transition" in order to be "allowed" to have a whatever name she chooses. Why shouldn't a biological female have a "male" name? We can have whatever name we want, we don't need to mess with our biology to achieve that. Not "allowing" her to use it, or encouraging her to be unisex actually reinforces the idea that you need to have the biology that society deems appropriate to match up to the choices you want to make - but you don't!

MeanAger · 15/08/2017 15:49

Yes I would call her by the name she has asked to be called. It isn't an offensive word or name (I assume) so no reason not to use it. If she decides at a later stage to revert to her birth name she will appreciate you having supported her and allowed her the freedom to explore these thoughts and feelings. The name isn't really the thing to be getting into a battle over, it isn't harmful.

Original poster
HardcoreLadyType · 15/08/2017 15:57

Thanks for your input, everyone. Flowers to all!

It's not a gender neutral name at all, unfortunately. Maybe I could suggest one, but it is her second choice, because her first choice couldn't be used. (Long boring story to explain why.)

That's a good point, Rat, that using a boys name doesn't mean accepting she is a boy, anymore than buying her boxers (which are a hell of a lot more comfy than knickers!).

Yes, I'll call her that, and explain it like that to her.

Thank you, you lovely nest of vipers!

OP posts:
Enidblyton1 · 15/08/2017 15:58

Gosh how difficult for you OP, but it sounds like you're handling it really well.
I assume there is no easy way of shortening her name in a more masculine/unisex way? (Eg. Danielle becomes Dan, Edwina becomes Ed). I agree with pp that a unisex name might be a good suggestion.
I think in your situation I'd go along with her choice of name though, and not make a big deal of it. If your suspicions are correct, she will 'grow out of it' at some point anyway. By fighting her now, she may just get very angry and you won't achieve anything.

It will be interesting to see how things progress when she no longer sees her close friend at school.

Good luck, and with the ASD assessment too.

Original poster
HardcoreLadyType · 15/08/2017 16:00

It will be interesting to see how things progress when she no longer sees her close friend at school.

Indeed!

OP posts:
ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 15/08/2017 16:01

I think calling her by her chosen boys name is fine, is just a name like clothes are just clothes. However, I would be wary about "officially" changing her name IYSWIM. You don't want to put her in a position where it is hard for her to change back if she wants.

There is as far as I know quite a strong correlation between ASD and believing you are trans.

GaryNumanIsOlderThanGaryOldman · 15/08/2017 16:07
Brew Think you are doing bloody well in the circumstances. Hope it all works out okay for you and your child. How old are they?
fleshmarketclose · 15/08/2017 16:12

Dd 14 who has ASD is also identifying as a boy. I actually think she is a girl with ASD who doesn't see herself as being like the girls she knows who don't have ASD and so believes she must be a boy but it is difficult for her to see any other view as her own. She calls herself a male derivative of her name and I call her the pet name that is common to both the male and female version and she is happy at that. I was hopeless at remembering to use the male version anyway so she accepts that I'm less likely to offend her if I just use a pet name.
Dd still has shoulder length hair and dresses neutrally and as yet she is happy at that and so we are in a happy state of limbo.
I hope that as she matures and comes to terms with the ASD through counselling we will look back on it as a stage we went through because I can't for a minute imagine how my dainty 4 foot 10 dd (she has stopped growing) would ever pass for a boy

Original poster
HardcoreLadyType · 15/08/2017 16:24

For those that have asked, she is 16.

OP posts:
drinkingtea · 15/08/2017 16:30

Good luck - sounds as if you're handling it just right!

I'd also go along with the change of name, just as if she'd wanted to call herself a different girl's or neutral name, being clear names are just names and not loaded with meaning for you. The only other suggestion would be to point out parents normally name their children and ask to choose,and go with one of the many boys names commonly used for girls (Robyn, Jamie, Kim etc) but probably not worth fighting over.

zzzzz · 15/08/2017 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
HardcoreLadyType · 15/08/2017 16:54

I agree that I shouldn't expect to be able to tell her what to believe, zzzzz. That's why I gave her the Islam analogy. If she wants to believe the trans doctrine, I respect that, but also she needs to respect that I don't believe it. I suspect that is hard for her to accept though.

OP posts:
VestalVirgin · 17/08/2017 11:54

Good luck!

I agree with not fighting her about the name. What's in a name?

As long as she doesn't want it changed in official documents, there's no problem with it.

dinosaursandtea · 23/09/2017 11:15

I guess the question is, do you want an imaginary daughter you never see knowing she hates you and feels rejected, or a son who stays in your life because he feels supported by you?

Stopmakingsense · 24/09/2017 07:41

Dinosaur - it is clear that the OP loves and supports her child, and I greatly admire her approach. Your comment is a knee jerk reaction. The fact is there is often no right and wrong in these cases, especially when there are other factors at play such as ASD. Those of us going through this are having to live with and embrace uncertainty, we don't know how things will turn out, and it may take many years. In the meantime we are supporting and loving our children, in the best way we can. I think the religious analogy is apt, (a very evangelical one at that) except the stakes are much higher if it turns out that hormones and surgery do not bring the relief you seek, other difficulties went untreated and/or you were still maturing when you made that decision.

joystir59 · 20/01/2018 19:22

I would be very clear with her that she will always be a girl, because that's her biological reality. I wouldn't use her chosen name, I think she should continue to use her own name- it's part of who she is, it's been her name from birth. Letting her change her name is endorsing her idea of her self as male.