What to call my trans child

[HardcoreLadyType]

My DD came out as trans some time ago. The GP referred her to CAMHS, who referred her to counselling at school, but she didn't really get on with the counsellor, who told her she was being influenced by others. (I'm inclined to agree, but of course that wasn't what DD wanted to hear.)

She has a close friend from her class who has also come out as trans, who is now moving to a new school, where she will start life as a boy. She told me this, and was somewhat bitter that things haven't moved as quickly for her.

I have explained to her that I will always love her as she is, but as a gender critical feminist, I don't believe that people are innately one gender or another. We have a sex, and then society expects us to conform to the gender that it associates with that sex, whether we "identify" with it, or not. I believe people should be allowed to express their personality and style however they want to, but that it is not possible to change one's sex, and that there is no "male brain" or "female brain". I believe there is no right way to be a girl, and that a masculine girl is still a girl.

I made the analogy to her that she might decide that she is a Muslim, and that would be fine, but she couldn't also expect me to believe in the teachings of the Koran. (I also pointed out that the trans ideology is like a religion, as it is based on feelings.)

Over the past few years I have bought her clothes from the men's wear sections of shops, including pants. I have allowed her to wear binders, until I discovered how restrictive they are, and I have now hidden them away. She hasn't asked for them back, so I have avoided that topic for the moment.

I don't want to encourage her to make too many changes, as I know that many people desist, and she is more likely than not to be one of those people, so I want to make reversing the decision as easy for her as possible, if that is what she decides to do.

My current issue is that she wants to be called a boy's name. Should I use this name out of politeness? Afterall, if she had chosen a different girl's name I would use that. But a boy's name just seems like affirmation that I am accepting that she is a boy.

I think it's worth saying that I am in the process of arranging an assessment for her for ASD. This is something she asked for, having done some online tests. Various family members are "on the spectrum".

Thoughts would be welcome.

Dinosaur, she will never have an imaginary daughter and she will never have a son.
The best thing parents can do for trans identifying children is protect them from harm for as long as they are legally minors and prevent any permanent changes.

I would accept her exactly as she is but ban he from making permanent changes as a child in the same way you wouldn’t let her have a tattoo or drive a car

Of course you should use his chosen name.

Believing that being trans isn't real doesn't make your child any less trans. There's your reality, your child's reality, and the truth somewhere in the middle. Time will tell if your child is truly trans. Time has already shown that people can be trans. Whether you choose to let your prejudices rule your opinion of your child is up to you. Use the name.

What does 'truly trans' mean?

As parents we have to thwart desires, frustrate plans and say a clear unequivocal 'no' sometimes, in the child's best interests. Telling a girl that no matter how much they want, they cannot be a boy falls into this category

Believing that being trans isn't real doesn't make your child any less trans

Believing that trans is real doesn't make her child any more trans

I really feel for you. I'm in a similar position with my DD who is 13. At the moment we've settled on "watch and wait" so that she has time and space to discover who she is, go through puberty (in many cases dysphoria resolves post puberty if allowed time!) and know exactly what it is to be a woman before she rejects that for herself.
She was diagnosed with asd and adhd at 11, came out as a lesbian at 10. Our psychiatrist has said it's much more common in girls on the spectrum which really resounded with us due to DD's linear thinking. I.e. She likes girls, is not feminine and as such must be a boy.

This is rarely taken into account by professionals unfortunately and kids on the spectrum are transitioned regardless. We resisted the pressure to start gender counselling with a view to transition immediately, we assured DD that we will support her in whatever decision she makes in the future and we will stand by that. It's definitely helped to put the brakes on her rush knowing that we've promised our support and not objected. All I can do now is cross my fingers and hope that she'll settle into being a butch lesbian.

It helps that DD is also a gender critical feminist! She has no illusions that she will ever be a male. Unfortunately it's become more difficult as she's started secondary as school are desperate to have a trans student.

At a meeting we had recently about bullying the head announced that "we had one in the last school I was at and it was like watching a butterfly emerge from the cocoon". The whole conversation was littered with the implication that we must do something about this now

Impossible situation OP, you really have my sympathy. I wish I had an answer for you!

You just need to tell her that you don’t believe in it but she has your full support to make age appropriate decisions.