legally stopping contact between myself and exp

[FrostyTheSnowgirl]

bit difficult as we have a 3 yo ds whom he has contact with via a court order.

is there any way a solicitor could enforce that he doesnt contact me at all unless its about access. been getting very abusive and threatening texts (contents in another thread in lone parents).

Also would i be able to nominate a person to hand ds over at contact time. I dont feel safe going to his house, they're a very volatile family and I dont want to have to see any of them

TIA

bump

Are there any special conditions attached to the contact order that you must abide by? A solicitor can write to your ex partner but a solicitor doesn't have the power to 'order' him to stop contacting you. If there is evidence you are 'pestered' the solicitor can apply for a non molestation order to stop the behaviour and it's possible to organise handovers through a third party. Speak to your solicitor about the evidence you require and if there is enough to bring a successful case (there is a general court rule that an unsuccessful party is ordered to pay the successful party's costs)

nope its just a standard residency order in my favour with reasonable contact. its not the contact that is the issue although im worried he may go for more if we go back to court, its the constant emotional abuse whenever he feels like it. last nights was a tirade of abuse that im a shit parent cos i got my sister to cut ds's hair and i should pay for him to get it done instead of going out once a fortnight. i was called names and told to go and f* myself etc etc and i dont see why i should be subjected to it.

ive literally sat in bed all day crying

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can the police get a non-harrasment order against him? They did it to my XP after looking at just one days worth of nasty texts from him.

Make sure you keep all the texts he sends you as the police can use them if needed.

Have you tried a contact centre? I have been able to self refer (ie: not through the courts but based on info from the police and local domestic violence team) and my 2 should be seeing their dad in a few weeks. I think we only get a few sessions but in your case it might keep the peace for a bit and give you time to work on something else.

would they do anything even if he hasnt been violent to me? its just emotional abuse well i say just its bad enough

....just got back on the laptop.

I meant to say they should be able to caution and fine him for harrassment, sorry, it wasn't the full blown non-harrasment order I was getting muddled. But the policeman wanted to charge him with harrassment, but I begged him not to as I didn't want it going on his record . My xp never hit me but all his threats and abuse still meant the domestic violence team were happy to help and give me lots of advice. Have you spoken to the police? You can call them on the non-emergency number.

i havent spoken to the police about this no, he doesnt threaten to hit me or anything or hasnt yet anyway, he goes for the more subtle approach by telling me im a shit mother, never puts ds first, effing this eff off, ds thinks your a shit mother he hates you etc etc, all of which have ground me down and left me a depressed mess and dont see why i should be subjected to that.

and in this instance im ashamed to say i retaliated and bit back this time, something i never usually do i have just had enough

. get hold of the domestic violence team in the morning. He can't keep throwing abuse at you. I'm not sure if the numbers are made public, you might still have to go via the police, CAB or maybe your health visitor might know.

thanks meglet x

just an update - been to doctors and he's writing a report for my solicitor about my depression and says its caused by emotional abuse. I've been put on fluoxetine and given the option for counselling which im going to see about on monday.

I have a solicitors appointment on Thursday and im taking a log of the texts and their contents, including my replies to see if im able to get an injuction against him to stop him from doing it.

I agree with Meglet, domestic (emotional) violence should not be tolerated in our society and this man's behaviour is only making things worse for you and the child.

Children who witness these kind of abuse tends to hinder their emotional development and mental health.

Please seek help as soon as possible.

All the best

you have options

third party handovers....no need to see him contact centres can facilitate this as well as trusted friend or a relative. if kids are old enough,then just drop off and watch them go in.

a contact book that the children take in their bag each time. details of medication,school issues etc can be written in,and of course,if he uses this method to abuse you then you have it on record.

totally agree childcarelaw, although I try to hide my feelings from ds, its inevitable that he picks up on it sometimes, and my reactions when i receive some of the texts I do, are quite difficult to hide.

ilovetiffany we used to have the contact book and it worked well on my part, but exp hardly ever wrote in it so it was pointless in the end, we did it for a couple of years then i just gave up, he never wants to know anything about ds anyway. he's only 3 at the minute so needs handed over aswell, but definitely going to nominate a publis area again, and my dad will do it for me, I will stay in the car

the other advantage ot the book is that he doesnt need to text you...at all,ever again. your dad could be an emergency contact. he has no excuse then and takes the stress of you. no bad reactions to texts etc.....the book or nothing.....your dad in an emergency,who can then call you.

frosty, I DO know how you feel. I can only say, that although it hurts at the time, wehn he says such awful things, that after a while you WILL stop realtiating ever again. I know you said you don't usually, but with me it got to thestage where i had to close, and lock the door on him mentally.

I changed both my phone numbers, and the relief has been immense. This was after 3 yrs of rubbish.

He knows where dd is if he shuodl ever be bothered again.

You are so strong and did the right thing going to the gp, really glad you got a letter and were listened to. I't s so hard to put yourself outside the situation and reach out, in case you think people are going to say 'well that's life'.

I htink you are taking good progressive steps.
xx

yeah thats a good idea, i have an old mobile which im putting a different sim card into which I could just tell him is dad's and o2 are changing my number in the next 24 hours so he won't have any way of getting me apart from the new number i give him. I know this will be better but its also a road ive been down before

Yeah, i know what you mean. I changedmy home number once, ages ago, and ended up letting him have it again.

i then asked, then, that he only call me on the home number and not to keep bothering me on my mobile. This was when dd wasn't even visiting him anyway, so it's not like I was stopping him having contact with me, in case of emergencies.

He has since been a tool, and i not wanted ot be there for dd, or make any more effort, so inthe end, after an alteraction at xmas I just did it, i changed them both. Cos he'd started ringing my mobile.

I havent heard from him since. DD is relieved more than anything nowadays. It took alot for me to go down this route, but that's how it is now.

very abusive and threatening texts

you take these to the police and ask them to deal with the threats

you get someone else to do the handover for you and the hand back for you.

you get all communication in writing on papaer to solicitors for the freceable future.

You ask solicitor if you can collect your own mail? rather than paying them to deal with it.

It though makes everything rather formal and puts a good amount of distance between you.

He can be stopped from harassing you in this way. He can be stopped from having any conatct with you, to the point of being sent to prison if he doesn't leave you alone - his contact with DS can be managed through third parties. Basically, he doesn't own you and is not entitled to abuse you like this. WOmen;s Aid and the domestic violence dept in the local police will be able to get him off your back.

what actually counts as being abusive enough - this is why ive been reluctant to go to the police. This is an example of the texts i get -

"Act like a parent. Take a fucking look at yourself you stupid cow. You come first before your son. You go out every other weekend and dont pay for a haircut for him. So fuck off"

im also worried because for the first time i retaliated and told him to mind his own business what i spend my money on (although i dont think having a social life one night a fortnight is excessive spending on myself) and i also told him to eff off. im quite disgusted with myself for doing so because i usually try to ignore him but something just snapped this time . maybe the police would see it as a 2 sided thing when ive done this