Long time absent father requesting more complicated contact arrangements, what are our options?

[CAOband]

Long story short, a father who removed himself from the child's life has re-appeared 10 years later and requested contact via solicitors (father lives abroad so initial contact is via video calls). No physical abuse or SA, only ongoing financial abuse but it's irrelevant to contact arrangements so I offered direct video calls straight away. The solicitors went silent for two weeks so I had to chase them. They responded by requesting supported contact via virtual contact centres. The child is 13 and refused to be "supported" in chats with their father. Does it look like the father is being unreasonable or the solicitors are trying to maximise their profit? What are our options? What would be the court position on this if we can't agree? No particular objections to contact on my part, but the teenager feels the situation with supported contact is weird.

TIA

I honestly would just say that your child does not want to have a third party on the calls, you do not agree to the suggestion, and you will not engage in future correspondence on the matter - you are more than happy for them to have direct video calls, which can be arranged between your child/their father directly.

Supported contact won't usually involve written reports anyway so I don't think that is the motivation.

Does your child know their father at all? Any memory of him?

Thank you all for your support, and special thanks to all you guys working with the family court! It's been very stressful but at least now I know where I stand. I really wanted to resolve it straight away, teenagers mental health is fragile enough, without court disputes on top of everything else.

I wouldn't push it, let your DC know this is nothing to do with them, it's an offer they can accept or turn down and either way you will back them up. And then put it on the back burner, you've nothing to do, or worry about.

And the child concerned has refused "supported calls " as they are entitled to do at 13.

You've told tham that, so the conversation seems to be over.

I'd keep offering direct calls as that is all your child is happy with.

I think you could simply let them know that your daughter has decided that she wouldn’t be interested in this kind of contact and see what they suggest instead.

If he lives in another country, I dont see what the coirt is going ro do anyway? Payment isnt enforceable so I cant imagine contact is either.

Best bet might be to say we’ll try it. Child can point out they don’t want a random stranger on the call and happy to chat without them but not with them.

Then leave the ball in his court.

I agree with previous poster. I would keep stating the child is not willing to consent to supervised calls, and is agreeable to direct contact with his father.

then add, given the proposed schedule of supervised contact is not suitable for DS long term. For consistency it seems more practical for ds and his father to arrange direct contact when it does suit, and everyone’s needs can be met.

please confirm acceptance of this, and provide necessary contact details, or reply with clear reasoning as to why this isn’t acceptable.

So father has refused direct contact by any means (direct texts and calls on DC's number, WhatsApp video, Zoom links) and is going to MIAM. Can a mediator sign off forms to initiate Family Court proceedings if the child refuses contact centre arrangements and we offer direct contact instead? Can father go to court without MIAM forms signed?

I can go to mediation, that's no problem, but the agreement won't be reached as DC is refusing. It looks like a dead end...

Tell them that if they insist on making arrangements via a contact centre you won't personally prevent it but nothing can make a 13 year old participate positively in something they think is weird. 13yo is perfectly OK with having 1:1 online contact, but if dad prefers a professional to join in it must be outside of school hours (give details of when that can be). If he makes arrangements that he is happy with and do not disrupt DC schooling then you will make sure DC is available. Any costs of making these arrangements are his problem because there's no reason for the additional expense.

You need to make sure that you aren't the barrier. If the barrier is that the child isn't interested then the courts will respect that, they cannot and will not force a 13yo into feeling something they don't feel. You mustn't be the one saying no. You can reassure your child that you respect their feelings and will support whatever they decide, and they don't have to talk about anything personal when there's a random contact centre on the call, but it needs to be the DC saying "I am happy to talk to my dad, my mum is happy for me to talk to my dad, I am not happy to talk about anything personal with a random supervisor on the line, I do not need any support to talk to my dad" - if it is you saying these things and not your DC, then a solicitor could paint it as you being obstructive. What you are aiming for is to be able to tell the mediator "no mediation is necessary, and no court proceedings are necessary, I am perfectly agreeable to Nick's requests and have no problem with them, but Suzie does not want to participate and she's old enough to decide for herself, no mediator or court can tell her how to feel."

I've given all details about DC's timetables and why their proposed 9am-5:30pm will not work, they completely ignored that. They have not offered anything else, said they were not instructed to negotiate practicalities and that would be done by contact centre. I don't understand what exactly contact centre can negotiate if DC is not available 9-5 anyway. They just applied for MIAM now. I'm wondering if mediators can also ignore DC and sign off forms for court proceedings?

This is exactly our situation. I want DC to have contact with father, DC doesn't mind to speak directly but refuses contact centre and the time doesn't work in any case. I sent the solicitors all phone numbers and times available. We can only repeat this in court and DC will say the same if doesn't refuse to speak with him at all after all this. Father refuses direct contact and wants to force DC to speak via contact centre. I don't want to go to court though as DC is now distressed and anxious. Will the mediators ignore the child too?

Just to add, father cut off CM for one month which placed us in an extremely difficult situation. DC is aware of that and now feels father is forcing contact arrangements using money as leverage.

The MIAM form requires the mediators to sign off that there are irreconcilable differences between your position and your ex's position for which a court order is the only solution. You need to stop saying no, stop worrying about the practicalities that are not your problem, and say "yes that's fine, I will make sure DC is available so long as the appointments are not in school time, you go ahead and make arrangements that is fine" - The solicitors do not need to be involved and do not need the phone numbers. You can tell the contact centre the availability times once one is appointed. So long as DC is in the room when the contact call is happening, you are not required to make her speak. You are not required to make this process result in a positive relationship between DC and her dad. You do not need to care that his actions are silly and pointless.

You do need to work on the assumption that CM is going to stop soon anyway. The reason that CM isn't included in benefit entitlement calculations is because it is so unreliable. If it does come through that that's nice but you need to take a hard look at your finances and work out how to survive without it because you definitely aren't going to have any in 5 years and you might well stop getting it sooner than that. Protecting your child from knowledge of this is part of your job - yes he is being financially abusive but she doesn't need to know.

Thank you! I couldn't find a contact centre that would be able to do evening hours so assumed it wouldn't work anyway.

DC had to be told as I booked a camp DC really wanted to go to, and I couldn't pay for it when he didn't pay CM. I had to explain to DC why that happened.
Yes, I'm getting ready for more financial abuse but it takes time to prepare.

Just a though. Is he in prison?
I deleted the rest of this post because I saw you'd answered this question earlier.

I have no legal training at all, but just want to say it sounds like you are being too accommodating and almost like this is a family problem that is partially yours to solve. It isn’t. It’s a him problem. If he wants to arrange a 2pm thing, get the school to say ‘nope’ in writing and give it to them. When else could that happen, are there any places open in the evening? Not your problem, that’s for him to solve. You can google to see if there’s anywhere else, he can google too. You aren’t the one seeking this, he is. Leave it for him to sort.

Just be accommodating as in make sure your child is online at the correct time, let your child say ‘hi dad I missed you’ or ‘I’m not doing this with some strange person observing’ or ‘cant talk now I’ll be online between 7 and 8’ or ‘fuck off you deadbeat dad’ or even ‘hi dad are you in prison’.

Dad asks, you facilitate if possible (only what has been asked for, no more) and support your child so they feel able to say what they feel.

I was trying to accommodate contact, yes, as I was thinking it would be beneficial for DC - they were being bullied for having been abandoned by father and not having any contact with him. Sadly, it doesn't look like father is feeling any remorse for his actions or consideration for DC. I began to feel like this "contact" would just do more harm to DC... :(((

New gf...he has protrayed you as The Crazy Ex and she is insisting he goes via Proper Channels.
He wants to appear Great Df so is dancing to her tune.
He will fade away by Christmas mark my words..

This is just all so ridiculous and unnecessary on his part. He's making it so much harder than it needs to be. I'm sorry you're stuck in it.

You just somehow have to get your kid's views in front of the right person and they will listen. They will, dc is way old enough to be listened to.

It's rubbish that you're the one having to put all this thought and effort in. I bet the dad has put about 20 minutes max of effort in all this time. He's just delegated to solicitors.

Go to mediation, say very clearly "I'm not the barrier to contact here. The barrier is that dc does not want to participate on these terms"

I would imagine the mediator will quickly sign you off since there's nothing to mediate between the 2 adults.

Then it goes on the whatever next stage he is willing to drag it on to.