Long time absent father requesting more complicated contact arrangements, what are our options?

[CAOband]

Long story short, a father who removed himself from the child's life has re-appeared 10 years later and requested contact via solicitors (father lives abroad so initial contact is via video calls). No physical abuse or SA, only ongoing financial abuse but it's irrelevant to contact arrangements so I offered direct video calls straight away. The solicitors went silent for two weeks so I had to chase them. They responded by requesting supported contact via virtual contact centres. The child is 13 and refused to be "supported" in chats with their father. Does it look like the father is being unreasonable or the solicitors are trying to maximise their profit? What are our options? What would be the court position on this if we can't agree? No particular objections to contact on my part, but the teenager feels the situation with supported contact is weird.

TIA

I can’t court proceedings being issued over something like this. At 13 your child’s wishes and feelings would hold a lot of weight. On what basis do they say the virtual supported contact should be undertaken rather than direct video calls as offered?

Thank you @stargirl27 They only give generic reasons like "communication between the adults became unworkable and the father was effectively prevented from maintaining a relationship with the child. In light of this, any contact should take place within professionally supported framework".

He reduced CM and blocked me so communication did become unworkable. I have an email where he said he was blocking me. How would the court view all this? It feels like they deliberately make everything difficult just to go to court though I don't understand why.

What stage are things at right now? Is he waiting for a response from you? Has he actually said he'll arrange this "professionally supported framework" or is he just blustering or expecting you to arrange it?

My reply would be "ds is willing to take part in video calls but has clearly stated that he does not want a 3rd party involved.
If you wish to arrange a 3rd party anyway please do and I will make sure ds is available to join the call if he chooses to do so.
Please send us a list of dates that suit you."

Don't get solicitors involved at this stage. It will just cost you money.

How is ds? Is he anxious or quite calm and level headed about it all?

To add, I think a court will think you're being completely reasonable and he's being unnecessarily difficult.
I've had lots of experience in family courts over the years and I honestly think this.
Courts generally take the opinions of 13 yr olds really strongly into account about major things like where they want to live. They are for sure going to listen to a 13 yr old who is happy to talk to his dad online but doesn't want a stranger listening in.

Yes, they are waiting for my response.
They've pre-arranged a contact centre but their time doesn't work for us long term (school hours). I could only do these times in August and I assume the calls stage will have to be 3-6 months? It won't work starting September.

DC was initially calm, perhaps mildly interested, and didn't mind direct calls, now that they are making it difficult DC is getting annoyed as teenagers do.

Thank you @Randomchat !

This sounds absolute madness.
Your DC is 13, their thoughts and wishes will trump the dads wishes from now on.
Supervised calls sounds very strange, makes me think that ex has something to prove to a third party.
You've been more than reasonable and accommodating In offering contact that your child is happy with.
Let your ex get on with wasting his cash on legal fees.

Oh so they're already arranged it? Have they arranged for ds to physically go to a contact centre? I don't quite understand.

I read as if they were just making noise but hadn't actually done anything.

2 options then- bribe ds to go and join the call. He can then choose to sit and say nothing, explain why he thinks it's weird then end the call, or maybe it won't be as weird as it sounds.

Or write again repeating that ds will not join a call with a 3rd party but is willing to video or phone chat directly at xyz times.

I honestly don't think a court would make him do it if he doesn't want to. They can't force him to speak anyway, even if they somehow physically force him into the building, so I just don't see that they would make any sort of order to that end.

Something to think about- if this is a properly arranged thing I guess ds would get to speak to the person first before a 3 way thing with his dad. If he felt able to tell that person how he feels then they could relate that to dad? He might take it better from a 3rd party.
That's me assuming it's a bit like a family mediation thing where the mediator will speak to both people separately.

What do you think about asking for details of the person and contacting them in advance?

Sorry this is all falling on you. It's completely unnecessary. And I can totally see my teenagers also just digging their heels in when it gets this stupid and refusing to have anything to do with it.

They request a virtual supported contact now so DC wouldn't need to go to a physical contact centre, just log in to a video call organised by CC. I don't know how it works but I assume it's something like this https://naccc.org.uk/virtual-contact-children-and-young-people/

It looks like we're heading to option 1. DC says it feels weird to be "supported" by strangers and wouldn't talk. It's all very counter-productive 😞

I would have a call with the contact centre before the initial contact. DC was not offered to speak with a supervisor first.

Timing will not work for us anyway so it's kind of pointless... They can only offer working hours and DC is at school. I offer evenings after school but CC are closed then.

At age 13 your child very much has a say. He could join the link and just sit there and eventually his “dad” will get the message and then he can’t claim you’ve frustrated contact

At times like these, I wonder whether there is a new partner, your ex has painted themselves into a corner with a story that they have a child and the psyco ex has prevented a relationship, so he now has to go to elaborate lengths to keep up the fiction he's a great guy and would have been a great dad if only you would let him.

Would ds sit there at the first call and state ‘I don’t want to talk to you now with someone else listening. I’m happy to FaceTime you at 6pm this evening. Call me then’?

I wouldn't presume that this is his solicitor frustrating the issue. It's him, they'll communicate what they are directed to.

I'd just stay calm, hold the line your DC wants to take, and let him waste his time and money having a legal thrash around.

DC is 13. There's very little his dad can do at this point to force him to have contact, it's unlikely given the evidence you've got that if you end up in court they would enforce it.

Carry on as you are, you're not blocking contact, you're making DC as available as he is willing to be as a child of an age to have his wishes taken into consideration.

Question why they can’t be more flexible with timings and agree to direct contact out of school hours. Having supervised contact during the day would have a negative impact of DC schooling, possibly unauthorised absence as it’s not an emergency. Very bizarre. Might be worth seeing a solicitor yourself even its paying to send one strongly worded email and make them back off and agree to other terms.

I’d go with something like this. Take the logistical hit on the first call and have DS explain it clearly straight at the beginning. That he doesn’t want supported calls but has offered direct calls all along. If there is some sort of ulterior motive, that also means it will all now be recorded by this third party that you two have always been reasonable.

If you think your DS is up to it of course. What a shit position to put your child in, shows how rubbish a parent he is.

I would have a call with the contact centre before the initial contact. DC was not offered to speak with a supervisor first

I would do that then. Say that your son is not happy to take part. If he's around when you make the call then maybe he can speak too. Then the supervisor can advise what to do next and you're not blocking anything.

It looks like quite a well set up thing so the supervisor should have a reasonable idea and some experience on seeing through tricky parents.

What a palaver. You shouldn't need to do all this.

Looks like this is what's going to happen, if they're quick enough to arrange the first call in August - so far I had to chase them for their own request! It really is bizarre.

I think if the first call happens in August, DC would still be able to explain this calmly. If it drags longer, I don't really know... DC expected the father to make contact straight away, but his solicitors took two weeks and only responded when I chased them. DC is not impressed, understandably...

Don’t do any chasing on your part. Only responds to what you receive.

ask DS to attend the first meeting and explain to the person they want direct calls as school cannot be interrupted. Explain absence processes as being abroad the father may not appreciate the attendance milita in the UK!

then once he’s done that one he can clearly ask the mediator to note down that he is available for direct contact after school hours or the weekend but not during the school day.

Do you think something has happened that father of child isn't telling you that means he can only have supervised contact? It's all very odd otherwise.

He's definitely not in prison and I cannot fathom anything else that might prevent direct contact, but I asked his solicitors why they think it would be unsafe for DC to have unsupported contact with him. I guess there is no other reason to request supervision but safety concerns?

I am not a lawyer but I do work with the family court extensively. I would not worry at all about court proceedings. That's just not going to happen. He's 13, you aren't refusing contact, there is no remit for the court here.
Provide your availability for a 'supported' call and let DS make his own mind up after he's done the first one.

I don’t see why your DC should have to sit through the first call, even if only to assert their objection to doing so. That is not a good experience for anyone, never mind one so young, and just to play some “game”. If it’s the only option though it may be unavoidable.

Could his family inheritance be on the line because his family knows he’s a deadbeat?

I think they would view him very poorly to be honest. Surely your 13 year old can facilitate video contact themselves?

If I were you I would write back to say it isn't in your child's best interest for there to be supported contact as this will feel unnatural for your child, and you don't consider it necessary. Suggest video contact again, and if this is opposed ask them to provide clear reasoning.

Supported contact won't provide the solicitors with any more money, and they're unlikely to be making much from a few emails, so I'm not sure that this is their motivation.

He would need to go to mediation before making an application to the court, but it's a strange thing to mediate on - most people don't want to do supported/supervised contact if they don't have to!

I really doubt the court would entertain this, the judge (in fact would probably be magistrates) would likely not be best pleased to have a listing in front of them to deal with something so minor.