My sons father has been arrested for offences involving young girls and i need advice

[Paigee966]

I (29F)need advice but please no judgement...

...so 3 days after my son turned 9 his father (32M) got arrested for speaking inappropriately, sending sexual images and trying to meet up with 13 and 14 year old girls. He messaged 2 different decoys and several real girls on social media knowing there age, he had a girlfriend (22F) and even disclosed he was going to propose to her on their 2nd anniversary so as you can guess it was a massive shock. The team who were decoys went to his house and confronted him whilst video recording it and put it on social media and called the police, ive watched the video and was disgusted with him and his actions, the next day his mother called me and told me what happened as my son was supposed to be staying over that night, he was released on bail the next day and a few days later ive had a social worker call me and advise me not to let my son see his dad which I was already not wanting, I had to speak to my sons schools safeguarding team and then I had to have the tough conversation with my son. Myself, my Fiancé and my sons grandparents were all on the same page that its best for my son to keep his distance for a number of reasons, firstly the video had spread like wildfire and my sons wouldnt be safe, secondly the fact the charges are child related means my son isnt safe with him. My sons grandparents even suggested my son changing his surname to distance him from the name and his father. Obviously this time hasn't been easy for anyone especially my son who is missing his dad and is constantly lashing out due to this, we have told him to talk to us, gave him a safe space at home, he has talking therapy at school and he still sees his grandparents, as his dad moved out and to a family friends farm over 30 miles away. Everything was as okay as it could be until this past week his grandparents asked if they could take my son to see his dad, they know my position on this, I didn't reply so we went back to normal conversation and I thought the matter was done but they collected my son from home like they usually do, my Fiancé opened the door and my sons aunty brought it up again and said it would benefit my son to see his dad, my Fiancé explained he doesnt feel comfortable and I dont feel comfortable then they wrote to me on the Saturday asking can he speak to his dad on the phone on speaker, I agreed reluctantly. They dropped my son off home on the Sunday and asked am I okay with the coming Saturday, I thought they were talking about football then they asked was I coming I said no as I dont usually as I have 2 other children at home then they said to look in my sons journal and it would make me cry this baffled me then they left, I was confused so when I closed the door I asked my son what's they meant about Saturday, he started getting upset and said its not his fault, it wasnt upto him so I told him hes not in trouble I just need to know whats going on, he started getting more upset so I asked him to go and get dressed into his Pj's and calm down and we will talk about it when hes ready. He eventually came down and told me his grandparents told him they're taking him to see his dad on the Saturday, I hated having to say it but I then told him they are not, I did not give permission and I do not feel comfortable, he got really upset and started blaming me so I had to explain to him im doing this for him, to keep him safe. I wrote to his grandmother and told her he isnt going, I do not feel comfortable and even the social worker I spoke to when all this first happened advised me not to allow my son to see his father, as it has to be supervised in which I have to know 110% that my son isnt going to be left alone with his dad which I dont unless im there myself but I cant be there as I work in a nursery and if I contact with him I could lose my job and become disqualified. My sons grandmother did not take this well and said the police told her my son should still be seeing his dad supervised so I told her even if the police did say that im his parent and I am not allowing it she said ok and we haven't spoken since, when she collected my son on the Monday for football practice she was cold and distant not saying much. Im worried his grandparents will try to fight me on this but im just trying to keep my son safe, if they did go to court and fight this what should I expect and my chances

I don’t think I would let the grandparents, or any other family member, see your son unsupervised either. They can’t be trusted to put him first or to tell you the truth. I’m so sorry you’re going through this nightmare, but you are doing everything right. I think this is one of those times when you have to accept that your son won’t appreciate your decisions or be happy about them because he doesn’t have the capacity to understand what is at stake, but you have to keep doing what’s best for him anyway. I know that’s a tough and lonely place to be.

That’s rubbish the police will have told that to her. Don’t let your son go with them

I agree - no more grandparents at the moment without you there. They cannot be trusted.
supervised contact should happen in my opinion, even for your son to get answers - but not without that being your fiancé, your family/friend, a professional you trust

It's hard to tell what was actually said or what the grandparents have heard or misinterpreted or even lied about. Op you are right to withhold at this point. If the grandparents push more I would (kindly) explain that you are trying to abide by social services advice currently until everyone knows what will happen, everything is very fresh and raw. Eventually perhaps a custody case or supervised contact may be appropriate.

I agree with the above. Ds and grandparents both want to ds to see his dad and so be careful of secrets. I would be asking social services what they would advise as you have concerns about this and some underhand actions, they can flag this on your file and if it happens, it's a way of protecting your job by being very transparent. Ss may advise no contact and you can then pass this onto GPs as you are only following ss advice.

How tricky and awful for you and your son. Could you apply for supervised contact at a contact centre with his dad? I do think he needs to see his dad and the risk to him especially when supervised seems low and manageable imo. It also stops the risk of vigilante types

Can you explain to your DS that the social services have advised against it and so ypu are following advice. Rather than making it a mummy v daddy situation?
Your DS is at the age where he hero worships dad so it's very tough for him to live with this situation
I would also message grandparents that ypu are following professional sdvice ie SS. And if they pull a stunt like this again you will remove all contact and no judge would support them in their current decision making process.

I also would be stopping visits to his grandparents for now until you get something formal in place. If they want to see your son they can come to yours for tea with him or you all go out together. They'll obviously just take him and your son clearly feels uncomfortable as he knows you are at odds with what his gra parents want, and they are presumably emotionally pressuring him.

Tell them that you’re not happy with your son seeing his father because his father is a peadophile. Tell them that they are no longer trusted to see your son without you present as they have shown that they are not taking the danger of their son being a paedophile seriously.

Tell them you will go through official channels when things have calmed down to organise contact in a way that doesn’t endanger your son or your job. Tell them you know it’s all horrible and difficult for them as well but that it’s his dad who has committed the crime putting all of this in motion and not you.

Your ex did something stupid. Why should your son suffer? Supervised contact rather than no contact seems to be the right option to me

Agree with PP, do not allow unsupervised contact with his Grandparents.

Tell SS what is going on with the GP if you haven’t already, tell DC that you are following SS advice, and allow supervised only contact with the dad.

Bless you, what a horrible situation for you and DC to be put in.

Her ex contacted children just 4 years older than her son for sex. That’s not ‘something stupid’ that’s a crime that shows he wants to sexually abuse kids!

I’m absolutely GOBSMACKED that you didn’t reply to that text message asking if they could take him to see his Dad, with a very firm ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT, genuinely I’m flummoxed. I would’ve gone apeshit at the suggestion and would’ve been worried sick that they’d taken him already - which I have to say OP, I refuse to believe that they have not already taken him. You are incredibly trusting! At the end of the day, blood is thicker..

You poor thing, and your poor son. What a monstrous thing for you both to be processing.

Absolutely no contact with the grandparents anymore because they clearly won't respect your wishes not safeguard your son sufficiently.

Please speak with social services before he has any contact with them again

You have a duty of care to keep your son safe, simple as that.
You must only leave him in the care of trusted adults that will follow your instructions as his parent. Anyone who isn't prepared to listen to you CANNOT under any circumstances be allowed near your son.
SS will not look favourably on you if you let your son see his grandparents knowing that they are likely to meet up with his dad.
Yes it is very traumatic for your son but the paternal family, at this point in time and for the foreseeable future are not a safe place to be.

I would tell your ds his df isn't mentally well at the moment so he can't see him. . Which is bloody true. And no unsupervised contact with his parental family. They aren't to me trusted..

Bloody hell - they had no right, no right whatsoever, to be telling your Ds that he could see or be in contact with his father.

The grandparents have a conflict of interest here, and are not acting on your Ds's best interests.

This is so very hard - of course he will not want to also lose contact with his grandparents but if they do not understand the damage they are doing here they really cannot be trusted. And by telling your ds that as far as they are concerned he can see his Dad they are isolating you as the 'baddie'.

Apart from anything else, you can't be taking safeguarding risks - you work in a nursery.

Can you have a meeting with the grandparents without your ds present and tell them that Social Services were very emphatic about contact with his Dad, and it is damaging and upsetting (above and beyond how upsetting the whole situation is) for him to be given false hope.

However, IF Social Services agree is there any way you would agree to let your Ds see his dad in a contact centre, say? With you? Would that help your Ds?

Tell these idiots that your son will not be having any contact with his paedophile father...

The fact that his family is trying to pressure you and are failing to see the gravity of what he has done means they cannot be trusted with your son either.

Stupid is not trying to have sex with children.

The OP may like to raise her son without a belief that its A-Ok for a 30+ adult to have sex with him?

You need to stop the grandparents taking him and talk again to social services

I think you have 2 steps here @Paigee966 Talk to social services but before you do, call the NSPCC and ask their advice.

This is too big for you to handle alone.

Stop unsupervised contact with all of his fathers family.

Im worried his grandparents will try to fight me on this but im just trying to keep my son safe, if they did go to court and fight this what should I expect and my chances

Here ^ you can expect that the Judge will recognise that you are his Mum.

You have been trained in child safeguarding and have made an educated choice to protect your son.

His paternal grandparents have raised a son who as a 32year old adult is trying to have sex with children just a little older than their grandchild.

And they are pushing to have your child visit him.

And the Judge will rule in what is your sons best interest. (And yes unfortunately that may include seeing his father and DGP).

I would stop all contact with the DGP if you or your partner (or a trustworthy adult) can not be with him.

Q has your son asked to see his father or have the GP been pushing him into feeling obliged to contact him?

Either way it is not his choice that is a choice you must make. And IMO you need to be strong and keep saying NO.

And bluntly any family who can not or will not respect that should have to give you an explination of why a 30 year old adult should be allowed to have sex with your son.

That is what your and others are saying if his GP are allowed to gloss over what his father chose to do.

And that leads into a social acceptance that he is "allowed" to follow his fathers example as it is not "100% taboo" in his family.

I would make a GP appointment ans see if you can access MH support for your son.

I would contact the Social Worker again and have what is happening documented. And ask them to document their preferred course of action in writing and see if you can access any local supports.

That way you can very truthfully say Mum must follow the rules and so must GP as must his father too. That GP dont understand the rules and that his father keeps breaking the rules etc..

I would also write (as detailed as possible) account of what has been happening so far and keep it updated going forward. Including copies of any communications.

Think back is there a pattern to DSs anger and outbursts?

Do they match the pattern of contact with his GP?

The school need to be updated too. Your son must be very confused if you are saying NO while his GP are saying its fine. So he may need extra extra support.

Next do you know the actual bail conditions?

Has there been an undertaking or condition set as part of the Bail that he not be in contact with any child directly or via SM?

Then you need support on a professional level do you have a trusted mentor who can act as a sounding board and who can offer impartial advice?

Do a search here on MN as there are may threads from Mums asking how to protect their children in this type is situation.

And keep posting there are many who can offer great advice or just use it to allow you to vent and

NB
Ignore Anyone Who Trys To Guilt Trip You

🌻

Thank you, I do not know the full bail conditions, I have not been shown them or told them - all in have been told is he is allowed supervised contact. My son is wanting to see him dad but he doesnt understand the dangers - he just sees his dad the way hes always seen his dad as perfect

So if SS and the bail conditions allow him to have supervised contact with Dad, who do you trust to do facilitate that contact?

Have SS contacted GPs to advise them what supervised contact actually means and what could happen if they don’t abide by that.

Once he is convicted and is a registered sex offender this will be part of his conditions of his SOR.
You may wish to go to court and seek a non-contact order for your son. SS are likely to advise supervised contact for your son, mainly as he is not the age and sex of his victims, for the period he is on the sex offender register.

personally I wouldn’t allow him anywhere near my child as I wouldn’t trust his parents to facilitate supervised contact in a way that would satisfy me there is no risk. They seem to be minimising his behaviour.

Your primary concern is your child and how you navigate this.
there is support - look for Lucy Faithful Foundation and you may have local support networks as well. You and your child are also victims of his behaviour and criminality.

You may regret not letting him see him supervised in the long run as this may turn on you sadly when he’s older . Awful as it is I would seek advice from a child therapist and social care