My sons father has been arrested for offences involving young girls and i need advice

[Paigee966]

I (29F)need advice but please no judgement...

...so 3 days after my son turned 9 his father (32M) got arrested for speaking inappropriately, sending sexual images and trying to meet up with 13 and 14 year old girls. He messaged 2 different decoys and several real girls on social media knowing there age, he had a girlfriend (22F) and even disclosed he was going to propose to her on their 2nd anniversary so as you can guess it was a massive shock. The team who were decoys went to his house and confronted him whilst video recording it and put it on social media and called the police, ive watched the video and was disgusted with him and his actions, the next day his mother called me and told me what happened as my son was supposed to be staying over that night, he was released on bail the next day and a few days later ive had a social worker call me and advise me not to let my son see his dad which I was already not wanting, I had to speak to my sons schools safeguarding team and then I had to have the tough conversation with my son. Myself, my Fiancé and my sons grandparents were all on the same page that its best for my son to keep his distance for a number of reasons, firstly the video had spread like wildfire and my sons wouldnt be safe, secondly the fact the charges are child related means my son isnt safe with him. My sons grandparents even suggested my son changing his surname to distance him from the name and his father. Obviously this time hasn't been easy for anyone especially my son who is missing his dad and is constantly lashing out due to this, we have told him to talk to us, gave him a safe space at home, he has talking therapy at school and he still sees his grandparents, as his dad moved out and to a family friends farm over 30 miles away. Everything was as okay as it could be until this past week his grandparents asked if they could take my son to see his dad, they know my position on this, I didn't reply so we went back to normal conversation and I thought the matter was done but they collected my son from home like they usually do, my Fiancé opened the door and my sons aunty brought it up again and said it would benefit my son to see his dad, my Fiancé explained he doesnt feel comfortable and I dont feel comfortable then they wrote to me on the Saturday asking can he speak to his dad on the phone on speaker, I agreed reluctantly. They dropped my son off home on the Sunday and asked am I okay with the coming Saturday, I thought they were talking about football then they asked was I coming I said no as I dont usually as I have 2 other children at home then they said to look in my sons journal and it would make me cry this baffled me then they left, I was confused so when I closed the door I asked my son what's they meant about Saturday, he started getting upset and said its not his fault, it wasnt upto him so I told him hes not in trouble I just need to know whats going on, he started getting more upset so I asked him to go and get dressed into his Pj's and calm down and we will talk about it when hes ready. He eventually came down and told me his grandparents told him they're taking him to see his dad on the Saturday, I hated having to say it but I then told him they are not, I did not give permission and I do not feel comfortable, he got really upset and started blaming me so I had to explain to him im doing this for him, to keep him safe. I wrote to his grandmother and told her he isnt going, I do not feel comfortable and even the social worker I spoke to when all this first happened advised me not to allow my son to see his father, as it has to be supervised in which I have to know 110% that my son isnt going to be left alone with his dad which I dont unless im there myself but I cant be there as I work in a nursery and if I contact with him I could lose my job and become disqualified. My sons grandmother did not take this well and said the police told her my son should still be seeing his dad supervised so I told her even if the police did say that im his parent and I am not allowing it she said ok and we haven't spoken since, when she collected my son on the Monday for football practice she was cold and distant not saying much. Im worried his grandparents will try to fight me on this but im just trying to keep my son safe, if they did go to court and fight this what should I expect and my chances

I would offer supervised contact centre time to dad, for the sake of your son who is missing him. If dad goes to prison this is a similar kind of contact to why they might have there.

Even though his dad has attempted to be or is a paedophile, he is after young teen girls, not boys who are under 10 and not incest. I think he’s disgusting and maybe a criminal too but I don’t think there is strong evidence here son is at risk of sexual abuse from him. However to be erring on the side of caution, contact supervised by trained adults in a contact centre would be good for your child and also would make dad less likely to apply for court for now. Sadly, even rapists and murderers have children who love them and he only has one dad, most children are more traumatized by a parent being suddenly removed from their life than not, even if that parent does extremely illegal things to other people.

Actually u should allow supervised contact but not necessarily through granny

believe me paedophiles do get access to their children by the court - maybe supervised but it does happen so you should brace yourself

I agree with PP. I wouldn’t trust the GPs not to allow their son to see your DS during their contact. They might even ask DS to lie/cover it up.

I would cease all contact with them for now.

If you and social services do decide supervised contact is the best interests of your DS (fuck the best interests of your ex) it can’t be his grandparents who supervise - it needs to be someone whose job/priority is your DS and has no conflict of interests.

Just remember, DS is your priority, but their DS is their priority.

I would going forward offer grandparents contact with you present.

I would seek advice from SS again about contact with dad. Get clarification from them about his bail conditions and their advice on contact. If they do say supervised, I'd seek out a supervised form of contact that does not involve you or his grandparents. This could be with a contact centre or a local organisation that offers this service. SS will know what there is in your area. I'd also ask them about children's therapy/counselling services for your ds and not just rely on in school support for him.

Do you rely on his grandparents for childcare taking him to football practice? If you do, you need to change this arrangement for now.

The police can say this bail what his bail conditions say which may or may not exclude contact with children. That doesn’t mean SS would agree with him seeing his child.

Make sure your son and Ex’a parents know you’re following SS advice and if ex wants to see his child then he will need to take it to court.

I would only allow ex’s parents supervised access to your son.

You need to find a Contact Centre and let your son see his dad under supervision of professionals, with reports written after the visit. I dont think allowing his parents to supervise is a good idea in this scenario.

You need to let your son have contact with his dad, though, if he wants to see him. Just make sure its safe.

I'm really sorry for the situation you have found yourself in, it must be awful for you both.

I do however think you need to try harder to find ways for your son to have contact with his dad in a way you can all be ok with it, if your son wants to. I think keeping your son away from someone he loves will cause him additional trauma.