Proving ex-dw is unfit to gain full custody

[18KTguy]

Seeking Advice: Custody & Admissibility of Evidence confirming ex-dw is unfit parent

I am pursuing full custody (currently 50/50 mutual agreement) as I no longer trust my ex-dw's judgment. She is simultaneously seeing two ex-partners who are legally barred from being around her home and most importantly when our kids are there due to safeguarding concerns during their relationships(ex-2 was arrested for engaging in illegal activities at her home(drug selling), and ex-1 was arrested for stalking, harassment and verbal abuse around our children (outside her home and including at the kids’ school gates). Both have a history of domestic violence prior to her(She ignored Claire’s law concerns i shared with her each time as she was so in love).

Her friend contacted me and has confirmed both men have been present at her home in the last two weeks(simultaneously). For ex-2 I have proof that kids were there but I doubt they saw him. Evidence includes WhatsApp messages with her friend and her own direct apologies to me confirming her "poor judgment" after I confronted her about it. I also have evidence of past neglect (child wandered to a neighbor's house at night while she was locked away having sex in her house) and many other concerning behaviours i.e drug use whilst kids are in her care(including her own bloody parents).

Her friends and family typically cover up the severity of her choices as they do not know the true picture of her lifestyle or choices(I know as we have been best of friends on good days) and also it is because her mental health declines every now and then when she faces the music.

My questions are for those with legal or custody experience:

1. Given the prior safeguarding orders, is the evidence I've gathered over time likely to be admissible and sufficient to support a full custody claim? evidence: WhatsApp exchanges(between her, her mother, these men, her friends, texts, videos, pictures, bank transfers(to drug dealers), and friend’s contact to me all highlighting and confirming things i deem to prove her to be unfit
2. I anticipate she will threaten suicide if she believes she will lose the children so I am careful to not reveal or confront her with the evidence I have been gathering over time . How should I approach mediation or can i just go to court) and what do you suggest i do to present my evidence specifically in the context of family court proceedings to ensure it does not backfire on the outcome?

To confirm , I have sat on other evidence for long as she has been seeking professional help for herself but having broken legally biding orders now has got me fuming. For context, I managed to go through her phone when she has been either high, drunk or just her revealing these things willingly in that state as we have been the best of friends in good times.

NB: I posted full story in relationship section

Why are you posting this here instead of asking your solicitor?

It can be phenomenally difficult to gain an order for full custody as a father unless there is overwhelming evidence against the mother which concludes she is putting the children at severe risk.

It's difficult also to comment without knowing what evidence and at what level you have. Normally, you need concrete evidence and multiple witnesses to collaborate what you are saying/claiming.

In the first instance, it would be expected to get social services involved and have them monitor the situation before taking this to court. The unfortunate thing is that could take forever as SS normally pander in situations like this and take their own time in determining what the circumstances are. It's likely that if/when they do become involved, your ex's behaviour would change as to not give off the wrong impression.

It's a very difficult situation unless the conditions your children are in are obvious, and even then SS normally prefer to try and work with the mother and offer assistance.

If you truly believe there is an immediate risk of harm to your children, speak to your solicitor and have them decide if there would be grounds for an urgent hearing at court without your partner being involved.

You (another ex) managed to go through her phone when she has been high or drunk? You have read WhatsApp exchanges between her, her mother, these men, her friends, texts, videos, pictures, bank transfers in your quest to prove her unfit?
She ignored Clare’s law concerns I shared with her each time as she was so in love?

IF you have genuine concerns contact children’s services and they will do some legal investigating and if there’s nothing to worry about they’ll see that, in the meantime stop stalking the mother of your children before you too end up arrested and “legally barred” from being around her home for stalking and harassment.
You all sound as bad as each other.

It sounds like you're more interested in tracking your ex's every move than anything else.

How do you have access to all these private messages etc? If you're genuinely fearing for your children's safety then speak to your solicitor.

Get a lawyer and notify social services of your concerns if you are serious. Otherwise, chances are very little will happen.

she comes to my house, not the other way around, she is semi homeless(temp) so i cannot get banned from going anywhere

How have you managed to secure evidence such as her what's app messages with her own family members and her bank transfers to drug dealers. It isn't legal to access her phone without her permission.
Do things properly via social services and solicitors.

If you feel your children are in need of safety right now then why are broken you just refusing to give them back after contact?
This will then push her into going to court to get a child arrangement order.

If you are that concerned but haven't done anything proactive the court are liable to take the view of it either not being that bad or that you're not being protective either. If the latter of the 2 the court could ask SS to undertake further investigation and assessment under a s37.

She is on drugs and booze, she shares these things or hands over unsolicited info when inebriated and I have gone through her phone when she has sparked topics of concern(there is audio of this also when she wakes up and regrets divulging incriminating information) and also audio of her confirming that she knows she will lose the kids if any court was to know what she gets up to. Its hard to believe to someone who isn't here to witness it but she would not remember any of this the next day and promises to never touch any booze or drugs again .

One thing to make clear, I do not have to track much of her movements, she is around me 70% of her time due to kids preferring to be around my home instead of hers

Just dont send dc to her house as unsafe.
If she wants to challenge this she can take it to court.
Do they live with you anyway?

OP: see a family solicitor. You can’t navigate this on the basis of MN advice. Also, the term “custody” has not been used since 1991. What you are seeking is a “lives with” order. The mother might then get a “spends time with” order.

If the court is sufficiently concerned it might direct a report from Social Care under s37 Children Act.

If you can’t afford a solicitor for the entire process, and most of us can’t, you can pay per session for advice

Contact the safeguarding team at your local council office.
When I made a report anonymously they visited within a week.

You won't get the answer here. You need legal advice.

You’ve just made an entire thread about what goes on at her house and then when someone calls out your behaviour you try and shut them down with a half arsed excuse that contradicts your own point.
It’s not up to you to investigate her sex life or monitor what men she has contact with.
I’ll say it again as you deliberately deflected the focus of my reply. Stop stalking her and her phone before you get arrested.
IF you have genuine concerns that go above your own jealousy then children’s services will do all the investigating for you.

Excuse me? we must have been lost in translation entirely. I have not stalked anyone, her own best friend contacted me with the concerns of the men coming over to her house when kids are there which in itself they can get arrested and kids taken away immediately if evidence is there. She does not want to overstep by confronting her

It is my duty to ensure they are safeguarded, thus finding it necessary to ask if this evidence is admissible or not so I know how to proceed.

I pointed out what goes on at her house but most of my evidence has been gathered when she is in my home, i do not need to justify or be defensive here as that is straying away from my questions.

Thank you kindly for your opinion nevertheless.

Thus finding it necessary to ask if this evidence is admissible or not so I know how to proceed.

The evidence could potentially be used to prosecute you for unlawfully accessing her mobile phone.

You need to see a solicitor and take this to court.

@18KTguy Youre going to get a lot of man hating biased replies here which I don’t think is fair.

If it was a woman posting this and her ex husband was putting her child in this dangerous situation people would be saying he was a dangerous man and she should stop context immediately.

You need to be getting proper legal advice and acting accordingly.

It doesn’t matter the genders in this scenario, your children are being put in situations they shouldn’t be in.

Your ex clearly has appalling taste in men!

You say the arrangement is by mutual agreement. With no court order you could fail to return the children quoting safeguarding concerns providing you have parental responsibility. The ball is then in your exes court to seek their return and she will need to pursue a legal remedy.
The likely success as a strategy will depend upon what the children want, which is dependent upon their ages as to how much weight is given to their wishes.

Involving social services may be helpful particularly if there is breaching of orders. You are unclear as to what orders are in place.

This is a really serious and complex situation and you need legal advice and social services input.

Are the children living with you? How has your ex P become homeless and are they ever with her? Tbh I think that’s the focus. I’d write an email diary and send it to myself every night so I had something date stamped, with an overall timeline of events.

Why is she around you 70% of the time if you've split?

"It’s not up to you to investigate her sex life or monitor what men she has contact with."

On what planet would you consider it acceptable for a mother to have multiple males in a home whom are dealing with drugs or the likes whilst children are present ?.

She is semi homeless(not intentional) and her temp accommodation is not ideal at all (its council provided and kids absolutely hate it) so only solution for her not to feel so much away from them we agreed for them to be 70% at mine meaning 10-20% of her time she is at my house but we still have 50/50 agreement

Very alarming but I am trying to not sound like I have issues with her sleeping with who ever, it's about who and what is around my children that is the issue, hell, if they are with me, she can have 1 every 1 , I would not care.