Page 2 | Father keeping my son and refusing to return him… desperate for advice

Dardanella · 2025-10-10T20:02:46+00:00

Hi everyone, I’m writing here because I honestly don’t know where else to turn. Maybe someone has been through something similar in England. My son’s father hasn’t returned him home for more than a week after contact. My son hasn’t been going to school this whole time, and his father won’t let me speak to him. At first he said there was supposedly some kind of “investigation” against me, which is why our son has to stay with him. I immediately called the police and social services, but neither could find anything. The police said that if anyone had made a report and they decided to investigate, they would contact me — but nobody has contacted me. The school is also very worried now because my son has been missing school without any authorised reason. They’ve made a referral to the Front Door (social services), but there has been no response so far. I have a Child Arrangements Order that clearly states my son lives with me, and I’ve already filed a C79 (enforcement / return order) asking the court to order his return. But the court is moving very slowly, and the case is still “with the legal adviser for review.” I feel completely desperate… it’s been over a week now, and I still don’t know where my child is or how he is doing. The police say it’s a “civil matter,” the school is waiting for social services, and social services are silent. Has anyone here faced something like this? How long did it take before your child was returned? What did you do that actually helped? Any advice or experience would mean so much to me. 🙏

SpudsAndCarrots · 11/10/2025 00:51

You need to contact the police again, explain school are concerned, and thay you are concerned that he's being hidden because of injuries as its not something he's ever done before and there's no apparent reason. You need to keep pushing them to take it seriously as realistically that could be the reason.

Raineeee · 11/10/2025 07:13

Senseandsensitivity · 11/10/2025 00:47

This is what the Rights of women website says. They have a download called child abduction.

So, they refer to the unauthorised removal by one parent of a child from another parent, as abduction, even if in UK. I think you said Op that you have a court order outlining that the child lives with you, as primary carer.

"Your child’s father may abduct the child and stay within England or Wales, for example, he may have kept the child after contact or taken them on holiday in England and Wales without your permission. If there are already court orders in place, the police may be able to help you. It is unlikely that the police will take the child away from him and return them to you unless you already have a court order saying the child should be with you or there is a real risk of serious harm to the child with their father. If you have a child arrangements order stating that the child lives with you, then the police can act to return your child to your care.

If the police are unable to help you, you can make an urgent application to the Family Court for a specific issues order for your child to be returned to your care. A court will make this order if it is in your child’s best interests to do so. They will look carefully at where your child normally lives and will usually restore living arrangements to how they were before your child was taken away. You should apply for one of these orders quickly so it will be in the child’s best interests to return to their day to day lives quickly. "

Rights of Women have an advice line at local rate. Look up their website as only operates certain days and times and a different number if you are in London. The police in my experience dont always know the law and some definitely take the easiest (laziest) course of action.

Edited

Show quote history

If the removal is within the UK then it is a civil matter not criminal

TheBlueHotel · 11/10/2025 08:45

Senseandsensitivity · 11/10/2025 00:47

This is what the Rights of women website says. They have a download called child abduction.

So, they refer to the unauthorised removal by one parent of a child from another parent, as abduction, even if in UK. I think you said Op that you have a court order outlining that the child lives with you, as primary carer.

"Your child’s father may abduct the child and stay within England or Wales, for example, he may have kept the child after contact or taken them on holiday in England and Wales without your permission. If there are already court orders in place, the police may be able to help you. It is unlikely that the police will take the child away from him and return them to you unless you already have a court order saying the child should be with you or there is a real risk of serious harm to the child with their father. If you have a child arrangements order stating that the child lives with you, then the police can act to return your child to your care.

If the police are unable to help you, you can make an urgent application to the Family Court for a specific issues order for your child to be returned to your care. A court will make this order if it is in your child’s best interests to do so. They will look carefully at where your child normally lives and will usually restore living arrangements to how they were before your child was taken away. You should apply for one of these orders quickly so it will be in the child’s best interests to return to their day to day lives quickly. "

Rights of Women have an advice line at local rate. Look up their website as only operates certain days and times and a different number if you are in London. The police in my experience dont always know the law and some definitely take the easiest (laziest) course of action.

Edited

Show quote history

I'm not sure why the site says that police will enforce a child arrangements order because unless it has a penal notice attached they will not. Most orders do not have a penal notice.

TheBlueHotel · 11/10/2025 08:48

SpudsAndCarrots · 11/10/2025 00:51

You need to contact the police again, explain school are concerned, and thay you are concerned that he's being hidden because of injuries as its not something he's ever done before and there's no apparent reason. You need to keep pushing them to take it seriously as realistically that could be the reason.

The reason he's keeping him off school is almost certainly because he doesn't want OP to pick him up. God only knows what his endgame is, because this can't go on indefinitely. But suggesting to police that he may have injured him won't fly unless there is a genuine reason to believe he has done - such as he's done it before.

Even if police do carry out a visit they won't remove the child and return him to OP unless they find he's unsafe.

Lovemybunnies · 11/10/2025 08:59

I would contact the social services duty team again. Say you want to make a safeguarding referral. That your son has not been to school for a week and no one has seen him. This may not get him back but may at least let you know that he is ok. Social services are overwhelmed so your case may be stuck somewhere and someone just needs a push. The courts will return him to you I am sure. Particularly after this behaviour. I’m so sorry this is happening to you OP.

TheBlueHotel · 11/10/2025 09:17

Lovemybunnies · 11/10/2025 08:59

I would contact the social services duty team again. Say you want to make a safeguarding referral. That your son has not been to school for a week and no one has seen him. This may not get him back but may at least let you know that he is ok. Social services are overwhelmed so your case may be stuck somewhere and someone just needs a push. The courts will return him to you I am sure. Particularly after this behaviour. I’m so sorry this is happening to you OP.

It's not a safeguarding concern at this stage. School should be trying to do a home visit but social services won't get involved just because a parent has removed a child from school. They also can't visit without the parent's consent anyway. Social services will rightly direct OP to the courts as the only body with power over where the child lives.

prh47bridge · 11/10/2025 09:46

Just to be clear regarding the police, they will usually only retrieve a child being kept by a parent with PR who is in breach of a CAO if either there is a serious and immediate risk of harm, or the CAO specifically gives them powers to enforce the order. I am not surprised that a DVA advocate has seen the police get involved as they will have come across situations where the child may have been at risk. OP has not said anything to indicate that her child is at risk, and it is unlikely the CAO gives the police the power to intervene. It is therefore unlikely that the police will retrieve OP's child no matter how much pressure she puts on them.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/10/2025 10:10

Op I’m so sorry. You’re doing all the right things but also please call school admissions of your local council and where dad lives if different , and tell them both you don’t agree for him to change schools (so that dad can’t enroll him in dads local school and argue he is now settled and should stay there). also, please ensure passport office know so he can’t report the passport as loss and get a new one to go abroad. I agree with pp that school should do a welfare check. Say to police and social services you think he’s been harmed and that’s why he’s not being taken to school it’s highly unusual. If the man isn’t violent I would also show up at the door just in case this works, at least your son may hear you and know you tried.
also, you need to email or message him every day saying you want to see son what’s going on - show that he’s ignoring you. Also ask to calll son - have a log of your missed calls.
send video messages to your son via dad - saying I love you and miss you and hope to see you soon my darling - if he doesn’t play them to him it looks bad on him and it’s your trail to show your son later if needed that you didn’t forget about him (dad will be telling all sorts of lies about you, maybe he’s saying you don’t want to be his mum anymore or you’ve gone on holiday without him or something).

when this does get to court I would ask for supervised only contact.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/10/2025 10:11

Have school heard a reply from dad?

OneNattyReader · 11/10/2025 10:13

Senseandsensitivity · 11/10/2025 00:47

This is what the Rights of women website says. They have a download called child abduction.

So, they refer to the unauthorised removal by one parent of a child from another parent, as abduction, even if in UK. I think you said Op that you have a court order outlining that the child lives with you, as primary carer.

"Your child’s father may abduct the child and stay within England or Wales, for example, he may have kept the child after contact or taken them on holiday in England and Wales without your permission. If there are already court orders in place, the police may be able to help you. It is unlikely that the police will take the child away from him and return them to you unless you already have a court order saying the child should be with you or there is a real risk of serious harm to the child with their father. If you have a child arrangements order stating that the child lives with you, then the police can act to return your child to your care.

If the police are unable to help you, you can make an urgent application to the Family Court for a specific issues order for your child to be returned to your care. A court will make this order if it is in your child’s best interests to do so. They will look carefully at where your child normally lives and will usually restore living arrangements to how they were before your child was taken away. You should apply for one of these orders quickly so it will be in the child’s best interests to return to their day to day lives quickly. "

Rights of Women have an advice line at local rate. Look up their website as only operates certain days and times and a different number if you are in London. The police in my experience dont always know the law and some definitely take the easiest (laziest) course of action.

Edited

Show quote history

It's wrong.

user0345437398 · 11/10/2025 10:15

The police will not get the child back, no. What they will do is attend if a breach of the peace may occur, which it may do if I wait outside my ex's house ready to take my child from him when they come out. Then, no producing the order that states it's my time with the child, police would prevent the breach of the peace by keeping him away from you and the child, rather than you away from him and the child.

I'd ask for a variation of the order after this so that this doesn't happen again. Father is not using his PR correctly if he is not ensuring the child is at school, as per his legal obligation.

C100, variation, emergency. Go there and get your child.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/10/2025 10:18

user0345437398 · 11/10/2025 10:15

The police will not get the child back, no. What they will do is attend if a breach of the peace may occur, which it may do if I wait outside my ex's house ready to take my child from him when they come out. Then, no producing the order that states it's my time with the child, police would prevent the breach of the peace by keeping him away from you and the child, rather than you away from him and the child.

I'd ask for a variation of the order after this so that this doesn't happen again. Father is not using his PR correctly if he is not ensuring the child is at school, as per his legal obligation.

C100, variation, emergency. Go there and get your child.

Yes, if he’s safe, could a friend (diffenrt car) take you to sit outside the house and wait for them to come out?

SpudsAndCarrots · 11/10/2025 10:53

TheBlueHotel · 11/10/2025 08:48

The reason he's keeping him off school is almost certainly because he doesn't want OP to pick him up. God only knows what his endgame is, because this can't go on indefinitely. But suggesting to police that he may have injured him won't fly unless there is a genuine reason to believe he has done - such as he's done it before.

Even if police do carry out a visit they won't remove the child and return him to OP unless they find he's unsafe.

Edited

Show quote history

There's always a first time and this would hugely be raising alarm bells. I know they won't return him, but noone has spoken to or set eyes on him, he needs a welfare check done its not typical behaviour on his part and there's no other apparent cause.

EducatingArti · 11/10/2025 11:03

Oh boy. Some of the advice here is dangerous.
I'd advise you op , as hard as it is, to persist with the court rather than any other actions. If you deliberately cause a "breach of the peace" or claim the child has been harmed, it gives the father ammunition to go back to court and claim that the mother is not a fit person to have the child.
Sadly the op needs to keep a squeaky clean approach so it can't backfire later.

TheBlueHotel · 11/10/2025 11:05

SpudsAndCarrots · 11/10/2025 10:53

There's always a first time and this would hugely be raising alarm bells. I know they won't return him, but noone has spoken to or set eyes on him, he needs a welfare check done its not typical behaviour on his part and there's no other apparent cause.

Show quote history

Social services can't just do welfare checks. They can't enter someone's house or see a child without permission from the parent

SpudsAndCarrots · 11/10/2025 11:33

TheBlueHotel · 11/10/2025 11:05

Social services can't just do welfare checks. They can't enter someone's house or see a child without permission from the parent

Show quote history

No, but the police can

user0345437398 · 11/10/2025 11:37

EducatingArti · 11/10/2025 11:03

Oh boy. Some of the advice here is dangerous.
I'd advise you op , as hard as it is, to persist with the court rather than any other actions. If you deliberately cause a "breach of the peace" or claim the child has been harmed, it gives the father ammunition to go back to court and claim that the mother is not a fit person to have the child.
Sadly the op needs to keep a squeaky clean approach so it can't backfire later.

But he is the one breaking the order and not being squeaky clean.

Going to collecting your child as per your court ordered contact is not not squeaky clean.

If my child did not come home from contact I would be out physically looking for her to her back within the hour. Then apply to court to prevent it happening again.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/10/2025 11:45

Op, I really think you ant least need to try annd ring the doorbell and Send messages saying im outside please overt court order annd bring him out. if he causes a breach of the peace that’s on him, but you’re allowed to show up. You don’t want to give him ANY argument to say ‘my phone screen was broken and she didn’t come to collect him so I was just waiting for her to come but she didn’t. ‘

also wondering if you have contact details of his friends and family. After you show up if no answer at the door, you could text his mum and say I’m really worried they are both dead or injured can you check in on them please?

Please tell the police that this behaviour is totally out of character he is not responding to anyone and you’re worried he has committed suicide and harmed your son or your son maybe traumatized and starving to death.

EducatingArti · 11/10/2025 11:54

user0345437398 · 11/10/2025 11:37

But he is the one breaking the order and not being squeaky clean.

Going to collecting your child as per your court ordered contact is not not squeaky clean.

If my child did not come home from contact I would be out physically looking for her to her back within the hour. Then apply to court to prevent it happening again.

Show quote history

I agree that he is the one breaking the order. He is also saying that he has some ( spurious) concerns about the op.
I know it is not fair but turning up and making a fuss can be spun against the op.
If she is asked by a judge why she did not try and go to collect the child, then saying "I was concerned it would lead to a breach of the peace" will go down better than turning up and causing the breach.

I know it sounds over the top but the op will be better advised just to go through the court and then ask for an enforcement order to be added in the light of dad's previous behaviour.

I have seen a situation go totally pearshaped for a mum because dad used her understandable reactions to him doing things like withholding the children as arguments against her. He 'came across' as the reasonable one and he now has full residency of the children.

TheBlueHotel · 11/10/2025 12:04

SpudsAndCarrots · 11/10/2025 11:33

No, but the police can

Show quote history

Yes but they won't

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 11/10/2025 12:08

Dardanella · 10/10/2025 21:24

There is absolutely no reason. I’ve done nothing wrong… I think he came up with something and reported me to police and thinks it justifies him keeping our son…

You said in your OP that the police said there hadn’t been a report, and yet you’re saying that he called the police?

I think there’s a possibility we don’t have the full facts here.

I’m not saying OP has done anything wrong, the truth is we don’t know.

But if this is a first, we don’t know whether the child has disclosed something to him or even said something to him which has caused concern.

It’s not uncommon for posters to post here and say that their DC have said something to them about the other parent and the advice then is always that the OP should keep the DC away from said parent and call the police. nobody would be advising that they return the children.

We don’t know that that isn’t what’s happened here. And the OP’s posts have been slightly inconsistent in that in one post she’s saying there’s been no report, and in the other she’s saying there has.

if this is pure vindictiveness on his part then that will come out soon enough and the children will be returned to the OP.

If however there is more which needs looking at, then this needs looking at, and the OP needs to cooperate.

It’s almost natural for women to assume the man is in the wrong if he withholds the children for any reason. But that’s not necessarily the case.

We’ve also had posts on here from women saying that the ex is keeping the DC, followed by pages and pages of advice about what a bastard he clearly is, how the OP should speak to women’s aid because he’s using the children to get back at her, only for it to emerge that it’s just not that black and white.

There was one a few years ago I remember, spanned across about three threads iirc. In the beginning it all looked very straightforward, but as the thread continued it transpired that there were real concerns. The OP did go to court, and the children were left in the care of the other parent. But by then posters had realised that this appeared to be in the best interests of the children.

It’s also not impossible that one of the children has said something and it’s been taken out of context and caused concern, but either way may need investigating to show that.

Original poster

Dardanella · 11/10/2025 12:13

There was no investigation when I called them. No one contacted school either.

I know that report was made but t

OP posts:

user0345437398 · 11/10/2025 12:29

EducatingArti · 11/10/2025 11:54

I agree that he is the one breaking the order. He is also saying that he has some ( spurious) concerns about the op.
I know it is not fair but turning up and making a fuss can be spun against the op.
If she is asked by a judge why she did not try and go to collect the child, then saying "I was concerned it would lead to a breach of the peace" will go down better than turning up and causing the breach.

I know it sounds over the top but the op will be better advised just to go through the court and then ask for an enforcement order to be added in the light of dad's previous behaviour.

I have seen a situation go totally pearshaped for a mum because dad used her understandable reactions to him doing things like withholding the children as arguments against her. He 'came across' as the reasonable one and he now has full residency of the children.

Show quote history

I'm aware it could go like that. It's just that he's causing the breach, by breaking the order.

I feel like if I didn't hand my child over to the parent who has contact and he turned up and asked for the child then it would be me who got in trouble with the court.

I feel like the judge would say 'of course he banged on your door, you were keeping his child from him'

I feel like family courts actually side with men, or perhaps with the person who made the original application?

I know though that my child not being returned wouldn't be something I could just let go until court decided to help, after weeks or months. I also know that courts may favour dad out of status quo at this point.

It all comes down to the judge. Possibly the same judge as granted the OP's ex the order, as they reserve judges for cases, so I'd ask OP how they think that judge would view it.

I think mine would fully expect either of us to go and get the child, had the child been withheld from the other.

user0345437398 · 11/10/2025 12:32

Dardanella · 11/10/2025 12:13

There was no investigation when I called them. No one contacted school either.

I know that report was made but t

My child's school ring me if she's not in on the day (happened with registration mix ups twice).

My child's school are also hot on attendance.

The school doesn't care that the child's been off all this time?

TheBlueHotel · 11/10/2025 12:43

Dardanella · 11/10/2025 12:13

There was no investigation when I called them. No one contacted school either.

I know that report was made but t

The police wouldn't tell you if a report had been made before they decided how to proceed. You'd only be told about a report at the point that they decided to interview you about it. So he may have made a report that they decided not to investigate further, or that they haven't investigated enough yet to make a decision.