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Original poster

Ex refuses to give son his money

29 replies

Ratboymama2 · 30/04/2025 17:44

Background: My son is transgender. He is now 16 (almost 17) and first said he wanted to be a boy when he was 4 years old. He's been living as a boy for 4 years now and had his name changed by deedpoll. He passes extremely well and never gets mistaken for a girl.

His dad (my ex) flatly refuses to accept this. He harassed and intimidated A to such an extent that A had to get a police anti-harassment order against his dad. They're completely NC. The ex is a malignant narcissist and I had to leave him with the help of the Woman's Refuge.

Now for the issue - for many many years, my son saved up all his birthday and Christmas money from the extended family. The ex insisted he put it in a 'child' account of which the ex held the 'parent' account (this means that the ex controls the child account and the child has no access to it. It is linked to a savings account so the ex can transfer money to the savings account for which my son has a card). A had more than £500 saved up in that account. I never saw any of the money as I stopped going to family gatherings after I left him.

Ex won't give A any of his money, and said that he can't have it anyway 'till he's 16. Well, he's almost 17 now and still no money. Ex wants A to apologise to him for 'mistreating and disrespecting' his dad before he'll give him any of the money. He'll do things like text A to say he's transferred £30 to the savings account. A would rush to the shop to withdraw the money and there would be nothing. The ex would then tell him that he changed his mind and A doesn't deserve the money. Very controlling and so much mindfuckery.

I spoke to the police when we did the anti-harassment order, and they said I need to talk to the bank. I spoke to the bank and they said there is nothing they can do as the ex controls the account.

Does anyone know if there is any legal recourse for getting that money back? We absolutely think ex has spent all the money and there is nothing to give back, but we're hoping there is a way we can. It is so unfair that my son diligently saved all his money (his twin sister spent hers as soon as she got any), and it's a bitter pill for him to swallow having to accept he'll never see the money given to him in good faith by family members.

Sorry about the long post and thanks for reading.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 30/04/2025 17:49

When he's 18 he controls the account so he will have to wait. However, he needs to be prepared for his dad having withdrawn it already. Personally, he may feel better in himself if he hopes for the best but is realistically expecting the worse.

BashfulClam · 30/04/2025 17:59

I think he needs to forget about the money as your ex wants to use it as control.

Original poster
Ratboymama2 · 30/04/2025 17:59

RedHelenB · 30/04/2025 17:49

When he's 18 he controls the account so he will have to wait. However, he needs to be prepared for his dad having withdrawn it already. Personally, he may feel better in himself if he hopes for the best but is realistically expecting the worse.

Oh, my son has basically given up on seeing that money again, but I want to keep fighting for his sake. I don't think the ex should be allowed to get away with it - he's basically a common thief.

OP posts:
brettsalanger · 30/04/2025 18:09

I would write the money off. It’s just not worth letting the ex have any control.

can you afford to replace any of it ?

AnSolas · 30/04/2025 18:22

Get the bank to go through the T&C and see if your ex ( as RedHelenB said ) can take money out.

If your child is the named beneficial owner it is better for the child to produce birth cert and acceptable picture ID in the name on the account. So introduce the child as X who is called Y not as Y and here is the deedpoll and the current ID. A child passport and current passport would be very helpfull.

you need to ask them about safeguarding vulnerable customers, and financial abuse and produce the police anti-harassment order if its helpful.

Even if the bank say that father can access and remove the money anti-money laundering (AML) means if you can prove that the money is the childs the bank should ( have to act to ) prevent the money from leaving the account until they establish the facts.

So any message from the father recognising the money was the childs and also tracking lodgements to birthdays /christmas and that it was deposited on the expectation the child would be the only one to access it or benefit from the money would be helpful. Plus the messages of the non-transfers shows father is not willing to allow the child access

Its not likely that the branch staff can make a judgement rather they should refer the matter on to a specialist AML team

And and even if the bank agree its the childs money the money may be frozen until the child is 18.

It may be a slow process but if the account is frozen time in this circumstance is your friend.

Original poster
Ratboymama2 · 30/04/2025 18:25

brettsalanger · 30/04/2025 18:09

I would write the money off. It’s just not worth letting the ex have any control.

can you afford to replace any of it ?

No, unfortunately I can't. I have to use the foodbank to feed my son and I only eat once every two days or so. My daughter lives with her dad now - she's a mini him and was just as abusive to me and my son as their dad was (and still is).

OP posts:
Sassybooklover · 30/04/2025 18:26

If it's a child account, held in your exes name, then as soon as your son turns 18, he can access it, without any interference from his Dad. Legally his Dad won't be able to stop him accessing the account. However, as his Dad is able to withdraw money, then it's entirely possible there's no money left. Honestly, I would tell your son to forget about the money, don't give in to his Dad's emotional blackmail and mind games. Once he turns 18, if there's any money left he will receive it. Unfortunately, if it turns out there is no money left, then you'd have to seek legal advice, to see if you can claw any back.

Velmy · 30/04/2025 18:36

If the money has been spent, your son will have to take his father to court for the money. It won't be worth it. Move on.

Topseyt123 · 30/04/2025 18:37

Is your son's name on the account at all, even though his father has controlled it until now?

If it is then I think he might get control of it once he reaches 18, but if it isn't then proving that the money is his might be difficult.

You might need his birth certificate and the deed poll paperwork.

Original poster
Ratboymama2 · 30/04/2025 18:38

Ratboymama2 · 30/04/2025 18:25

No, unfortunately I can't. I have to use the foodbank to feed my son and I only eat once every two days or so. My daughter lives with her dad now - she's a mini him and was just as abusive to me and my son as their dad was (and still is).

Show quote history

Just to add - my son needs art supplies for college, and he wants to start running and weight training, so he wants to buy running shoes and weights. I can't afford to buy it for him, so that's mostly what he wants the money for. And of course because it's HIS money, given to him in good faith by family members over the years.

Of course the family (staunch Catholics) are anti-trans as well, so they now agree with the ex that A shouldn't have the money 🙄😡.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ratboymama2 · 30/04/2025 18:47

onyourway · 30/04/2025 18:46

Also, ask your son to use this to see if he has a CTF. https://www.gov.uk/child-trust-funds/find-a-child-trust-fund

He has one (the ones children automatically got at birth), but can only access it once he's 18.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ratboymama2 · 30/04/2025 18:52

Winter2020 · 30/04/2025 18:44

Thank you. Yes, my son gets a travel bursary through his college (which would otherwise cost almost £2,000/year - we live out in the sticks). He also gets free school meals and discounts on art supplies, but not all.

OP posts:
Secretsquirels · 30/04/2025 18:53

Ratboymama2 · 30/04/2025 18:38

Just to add - my son needs art supplies for college, and he wants to start running and weight training, so he wants to buy running shoes and weights. I can't afford to buy it for him, so that's mostly what he wants the money for. And of course because it's HIS money, given to him in good faith by family members over the years.

Of course the family (staunch Catholics) are anti-trans as well, so they now agree with the ex that A shouldn't have the money 🙄😡.

Show quote history

If I was you id put your time and effort into having a go at getting these things for him in another way. Weights in particular are often given away for free on Facebook…..

notsureyetcertain · 30/04/2025 18:56

I’d stop discussing it. When he’s 18 he can withdraw the money . I’d block ex too

Original poster
Ratboymama2 · 30/04/2025 18:57

Secretsquirels · 30/04/2025 18:53

If I was you id put your time and effort into having a go at getting these things for him in another way. Weights in particular are often given away for free on Facebook…..

Show quote history

I have gotten him some off Freecycle 😃. I mentioned the weights to the ex (he also does weight training), more as a way of hoping it would help towards him giving A some of the money. He does not respond to any of my texts though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ratboymama2 · 30/04/2025 19:13

notsureyetcertain · 30/04/2025 18:56

I’d stop discussing it. When he’s 18 he can withdraw the money . I’d block ex too

Unfortunately I can't block him as my daughter (her dad's abusive mini-me) now lives with him, and I need contact with ex in case of an emergency.

OP posts:
LavenderFields7 · 30/04/2025 19:14

Tell the dad you need the money for your kid to see an “anti-transgender therapist” to try and get them converted back to a girl…and then use the £ for art supplies!!! 😆

Original poster
Ratboymama2 · 30/04/2025 19:20

LavenderFields7 · 30/04/2025 19:14

Tell the dad you need the money for your kid to see an “anti-transgender therapist” to try and get them converted back to a girl…and then use the £ for art supplies!!! 😆

That is absolute genius!!! I just read your reply to my son and he said: That's a brilliant idea!'. I might try it, but it needs to come from A, and he doesn't want to break the NC with his dad. Besides, his twin sister who lives with the ex will make a huge deal out of it (she's autistic), and spill the beans 😂😂.

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Meadowfinch · 30/04/2025 19:23

OP, your ds is old enough to get a job.

I suggest he ignores his f so as not to give him any satisfaction. He earns money from a part time job for his current needs, talks to the bank about the issues with his father and withdraws any money that remains, on his 18th birthday.

Then ceases all contact, permanently.

Original poster
Ratboymama2 · 30/04/2025 19:27

Meadowfinch · 30/04/2025 19:23

OP, your ds is old enough to get a job.

I suggest he ignores his f so as not to give him any satisfaction. He earns money from a part time job for his current needs, talks to the bank about the issues with his father and withdraws any money that remains, on his 18th birthday.

Then ceases all contact, permanently.

We have been looking for part time jobs for him, believe me. We live on a military base miles outside the nearest very tiny village though, and there are simply no jobs for him here. People can be funny about having a trans teen babysit as well, and there are already plenty of babysitters and petsitters on the base. But we keep looking 😀.

OP posts:
Lightuptheroom · 30/04/2025 19:29

We had a similar thing happen, ds was 18, he knew there was an account (his grandma on dad's side paid into it every year from birth) He asked his dad for the money when he started uni, dad refused, nothing we could do. Turned out his dad had spent it.
Ds is now 23, has no contact with his dad at all because of the way he behaved and still behaves about any kind of support.

Original poster
Ratboymama2 · 30/04/2025 19:32

Lightuptheroom · 30/04/2025 19:29

We had a similar thing happen, ds was 18, he knew there was an account (his grandma on dad's side paid into it every year from birth) He asked his dad for the money when he started uni, dad refused, nothing we could do. Turned out his dad had spent it.
Ds is now 23, has no contact with his dad at all because of the way he behaved and still behaves about any kind of support.

These men are bastards, aren't they? I am sorry you went through this as well. We can rest knowing that our kiddos are much better off without their arsehole dads in their lives. I mean - how low do you have to be to steal from your own child?

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