Ex’s family court application

[friendshipbracelets]

friendshipbracelets · Today 04:44

Ex dp has children by two women. I’m the second woman - two kids. I caught him having an affair and he has since moved in with his affair partner, 30 years younger with no kids. Kids stayed living with me. For two years he has had as much contact as he wants, after school and at weekends. Picking them up from mine. Taking them for a meal/ swim/ shopping/ to the park or for activities. Sometimes for trips/ meals as a family (with me included). It’s been (mostly) fairly friendly considering the nightmare he put us through. He’s also taken them to his parents. The only times he hasn’t had contact is when he hasn’t wanted it/ has had other stuff to do. But now he’s going to the family court applying for them to stay with him every other weekend and one evening a week/ pressuring me to reach an agreement so we don’t go to court. He lives with the affair partner who the kids have never met (older child is aware of her existence and part in relationship breakdown). I am uncomfortable naturally at the thought of the two of them playing happy families with my kids. But he is saying she’s not going to be there when they visit - says she has “no ambition to meet the kids” and will move out when they come. I find this implausible - she rents the house with him, where on earth is she going to go on such a regular basis and why would anyone in their right mind agree to do that? Am worried this is either a deception to try and make me agree to something I’m not comfortable with (and then, suddenly, she will be there after all) or, if I take what he is saying at face value and she doesn’t want to meet them, a weird situation to put my kids in, staying in the girlfriend’s home with the girlfriend avoiding them. In the CAFCASS report, ex partner for reasons known only to himself painted a picture of a much more hostile relationship than we in fact have and the recommendation was that he have contact with the kids away from my home (it’s not at my home anyway - that’s just where he picks them up). No mention of where contact should be, though it said both parents agreed kids enjoyed going to paternal grandparents. That’s a distance away though and would not be possible on a weekday and unfair in my view to make them even do it every other weekend. What do you think a family judge would make of all this? How to interpret the CAFCASS report? Would court order regular stays at his home on this basis?

Well nor has he suggested a friendly “trial” like you said. I agree to what he wants or court

Well tell him you want to meet in the middle and start a trial and see how it goes. The only reason you would have to change to routine after the trial is if the children wanted to, the decision shouldn’t be down to your feelings about the situation.

It sounds like you haven’t even offered him a meet in the middle and have just jumped straight on the defence and focusing more on the other woman and where she’ll be and why.

A court order for eow and one night a week sounds like a sensible approach. It also gives you some clarity and stability for the children.

As a pp said, if he can’t or won’t have the dc on his designated days, you are then under no obligation to provide him with other days or nights to have them.

It’s always better for the dc to have stability and routine, and a court order will give them (and you) that stability and routine.

As hard as it is to accept that the ow will be in your dc’s lives, it’s something you need to accept. You can’t punish your dc because you don’t want them to meet her. By stopping them spending time with her, you are stopping them having a relationship with their father, which isn’t in their best interests.

Part of being a parent is putting your own wants and wishes under those of your dc, and this is a prime example. My ex had an affair, introduced them to the ow within weeks of us splitting up, there was also dv and I was broke when we split. But I knew that his relationship me wasn’t the same as his relationship with the dc. He did things I didn’t approve of, but had to bite my tongue. My dc, now grown up have a brilliant relationship with me, and a good one with their father. That’s what I wanted for them.

Him being a day drinker won’t matter unless you can prove this negatively hurts the kids. I know that seems unfair. My partners ex is a coke addict and known to SS, she had her custody reduced by cafcass but largely for other reasons, they didn’t seem to care about the drugs on the basis there was no evidence her drug use was hurting the kids(!).

Don’t go to court. Unless there is a safeguarding issue you’re not mentioning then you don’t have a leg to stand on, and you WILL look like the bitter ex.

I'd start by messaging him clarifying which evening night he wants, and which weekend would be his. Then I would say that he can come over to get the kids that evening each week from now onwards, and both days on his weekend starting at 9am. And offer that for three months, and offer to discuss the overnights after 3 months.

Make sure that's all in writing, and ignore whatever he says about court.

Then you'll either have a consistent pattern where you can see him doing his days and doing a good job (in which case I think allowing the overnights would be really reasonable, court or not) or you'll have a pattern of him not turning up or spending time with them on "his time" in which case you can either ask him to cut down his time requested or ask the court to do so based on him not being reliable.

Every time he doesn't come over on his day message him to say "Just checking in because it's Tuesday night and you haven't come to get the kids."

I'm not sure about saying he can pick the kids up each weekend day at 9am eow. He's got PR the same as you and it wouldn't be reasonable to expect him to return them on a Saturday evening, to collect them again on Sunday morning - much better that he has them overnight. You couldn't really insist on this anyway, court or no court, if he refused to bring them back on that evening. Saying you want to trial it for a few months to see how the dc cope before a final agreement is reasonable though.