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Original poster

Son and inheritance - worried!

76 replies

Changedforsafety · 01/04/2025 21:13

Sorry in advance for the length of this, but I’d really appreciate opinions and suggestions.
My ex husband has very sadly passed away. It was sudden and unexpected .
We were on good terms post our divorce, and I am helping the executor sort out his estate . He left a will but everything else is a bit of a mess. But I’m getting through it bit by bit , including arranging his funeral.
Our adult son , mid 20’s is his sole beneficiary and our only child. There is a house owned outright plus an amount of money . He will move into the house in a few months.
DS has a girlfriend , who frankly has shown herself to be not particularly trustworthy where money is concerned. They have been together for several years . She is the higher earner by some way , but they do not split rent and bills in proportion , whereby she is able to buy herself what she likes, yet my son frequently runs out of money before month end, not spending particularly lavishly and I often have to subsidise him , which I do gladly as I am not seeing him short of money when I have it. I suspect she is controlling and my son is quite a gentle soul. She has pulled some stunts around finances which are not nice at all and I can’t forget them.
I regularly treat them to dinner and holiday spending money which I’m happy to do and I have helped her out with emergencies in the past. I don’t expect her to kiss my feet but she seems to have now to come to expect it and is I think m quite entitled.

So ex h death has crystallised this issue. She knows there is money around , but not the detail and I am loath to have her know anything for the reasons stated. My son is quite happy for me and the executor of the will ( ex h best friend who I get on great with) to invest the money wisely for him , he has no immediate need for it, but I’m getting the vibe that she is quizzing him about finances and what’s what.

I’d really appreciate views on what you all consider a fair split of finances as they move into ex H house, in terms of expenditure and whether something can be drawn up legally to both set out fair terms for them living together and also protect his inheritance , both the house and money. His dad had no time for his girlfriend and I know would want me to make sure he was looked after. He’s a lovely natured boy but naive and whilst I am desperate not to fall out with him , (we have a lovely close relationship but I let him get on with his life and I have my own life too) , I really feel that he needs some guidance and legal protection if it’s possible.
Sorry for the length of this post, I’m really worried and feeling the weight of responsibility as his now only parent. Thank you if you got this far.

OP posts:
Morningsleepin · 02/04/2025 03:29

alcoholnightmare · 01/04/2025 22:43

I think at this young age when they aren’t married and don’t have children, they don’t have to worry about splitting things proportionally. You were upset when he paid 50/50 and she had more, but now not happy when HE has more!?

This. When there are children involved it is different, but I don't why they should pay proportionally. I'm sure your son is lovely, OP,but you sound like the MIL from he'll.

Rightsraptor · 02/04/2025 03:47

You don't sound any where near the MiL from hell, OP.

Why is it that on MN it's always 'you're their mum for ever, you never stop loving them' yet at the same time it's 'sit back & watch them get fleeced - they're adult now'?

Get good legal advice, OP. Do what you can to protect your son's inheritance.

MadinMarch · 02/04/2025 04:47

Changedforsafety · 01/04/2025 22:41

@alcoholnightmare she earns more but the split of spend is not proportionate and that to me is not fair and even less fair when she is moving into a house effectively rent free.

But why should she move into the house and not pay any rent?
Houses need repairs and maintenance, and replacement furniture and white goods fro time to time.
Your son needs to set up an account in his sole name so that her rent (at a reduced rate?) can be paid into it, for when it's required. He could contribute to it too, so it looks fair, but it's his money anyway, so in reality it would be savings for him.

Brownsauce89 · 02/04/2025 05:09

I definitely agree legal advice and protecting his inheritance is wise. It’s great he is on board with you making some of the investment decisions and I hope you manage to structure it in a way the house is protected and remains his.

However I can’t help but feel the girlfriend is getting a bit of a hard time. If I was 25 and earned more than a boyfriend I’d expect to have more money than them? In marriage or after children things would be shared but I think it would be unusual to share all money with a boyfriend. 50/50 sounds ok?

ladeedar · 02/04/2025 05:24

This is going to sound harsh but from your post:

She’s smart enough to earn a very good salary at a young age, isn’t paying for your son but going 50/50, your son sounds like he’s terrible with money given you have to bail him out often (how is that her fault?) and she isn’t dancing to her MIL’s tune.

Unless there’s some massive drip feed here you sound like you’re being totally unreasonable and are way too involved in your son’s life. He’s a grown man.

Summerhillsquare · 02/04/2025 05:26

Maybe the man could stand up for himself? Going without a coat for his grasping girlfriend is he? Aye right. Even if he is such a wet lettuce, more of the same parenting is hardly going to help.

Apart from that, you've made no specific allegations against her even as you trash her anonymously.

It's perfectly common to dislike your childs partner, but as with jealousy generally, it's like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. And as is rightly said, eventually, on every inheritance post here, it's not your money and the person who left it was entitled to make their choices.

TLDR, butt out, or you'll regret it.

andfinallyhereweare · 02/04/2025 06:11

@Changedforsafety forget her personality and your dislike of her it’s up to your son, however, good advice to anyone in this situation no matter who they are with is to seek legal advice about how to protect yourself in case of a break up. You can only suggest this to your son, if he does it or not is up to him.

MoreChocPls · 02/04/2025 06:12

Good for you op. See a solicitor with your son to get this fixed asap.

Heidi2018 · 02/04/2025 06:26

When he was walking round in winter in a thin coat with no money to buy one and she is buying £15 shampoo

If my.MIL said this about me at 25 years of age I would be absolutely fuming! Absolutely none of your business whst she spends her money on. This is not an example of financial abuse.

Seeking legal advice on protection incase of a break up is obviously smart and the right thing to do but after that, the girlfriend's finances and expenditure is really none of your business.

Oblomov25 · 02/04/2025 06:34

Have you ever talked to him about your concerns, how naieve he is with money, irrespective of girlfriend?
sounds worrying.

Shopgirl1 · 02/04/2025 08:52

I think you are being unreasonable expecting contributions proportionate to income - they are not married. Why would you expect this?
Why cant he afford a coat? Sounds like he needs to manage his own finances better or get a better job.

He is 26. No offence, but have you always managed his money and is it possible that’s the reason he doesn’t know how to budget properly to ensure he has a proper coat?

Of course advise him on ring fencing his house, but this is a grown man, it’s his decision what he does with his money. Presumably you got your share when you split up, this is not your money, regardless of what would have happened if you had remained married - you didn’t so it’s irrelevant.

ScaryM0nster · 02/04/2025 11:18

Collaborate · 01/04/2025 22:31

Literally it the case. The mortgage company wouldn’t care who he moves in.

Show quote history

Check the terms of almost any mortgage - any adult resident needs to be on the mortgage, or declared to the mortgage company.
At which point they want agreements that protect their interests in the property.

Avidreader12 · 02/04/2025 12:34

it sounds like it might be quite hard to keep a fair agreement if they both move into the house. Your son would be owing it but expecting girlfriend to pay rent without any gain. What about using the house as a rental it would be owned by your son with income to him. He then can either rent or buy something together with girlfriend. Her reaction would tell if she’s believing she shouldn’t contribute and in things for long term. Mid twenties surely is still quite young to be tying up lives unless they have been together for long time and considering marriage.

Shopgirl1 · 02/04/2025 12:36

What would be the issue expecting her to pay rent with no gain though? The same would apply to her renting anywhere.

Avidreader12 · 02/04/2025 12:47

ScaryM0nster · 02/04/2025 11:18

Check the terms of almost any mortgage - any adult resident needs to be on the mortgage, or declared to the mortgage company.
At which point they want agreements that protect their interests in the property.

Show quote history

Not true if you take out a mortgage most lenders will only query if the names on the deeds don’t match those on the mortgage. I party can own the house mortgaged or otherwise. A lot of partners move in. If the second party pays the mortgage or house improvements legally they can claim a beneficial interest in the property if they split up. This is why you need legal advice.

LoveItaly · 02/04/2025 12:52

I would try to persuade him to put the house at least into a trust, but get the best legal advice you can afford. It’s so easy to be blinded by love when young, and it would be awful for his inheritance to end up in someone else’s possession or be frittered away.

northerneast · 02/04/2025 15:14

LoveItaly · 02/04/2025 12:52

I would try to persuade him to put the house at least into a trust, but get the best legal advice you can afford. It’s so easy to be blinded by love when young, and it would be awful for his inheritance to end up in someone else’s possession or be frittered away.

Can you put a house into a trust for yourself?

Original poster
Changedforsafety · 02/04/2025 16:13

@ScaryM0nster not relevant in this case as no mortgage , but you are right .

OP posts:
BernardButlersBra · 02/04/2025 16:44

Why should she have to subsidise him though? Just because she earns more money?! He should be paying his own way. If his money isn't lasting the month he needs to get a new job, get a side hustle and / or budget better

ScaryM0nster · 02/04/2025 17:10

BernardButlersBra · 02/04/2025 16:44

Why should she have to subsidise him though? Just because she earns more money?! He should be paying his own way. If his money isn't lasting the month he needs to get a new job, get a side hustle and / or budget better

She shouldn’t have to subsidise him, but if she doesn’t want to, then she should accept that they live their lives to what’s manageable to his budget.

As the higher earner you can’t have it both ways. You run to a tighter budget lifestyle, or you carry a bigger share of the costs.

BestDIL · 02/04/2025 17:12

If he provides her with a rent book, she will only ever be a tenant. Unless they marry and then it all changes. He would be wise to seek the advice of a solicitor on this.

StripyPanda · 02/04/2025 17:28

@Changedforsafety
First point of call is an independent FA so he has an idea of how to invest his inheritance.
I would try and steer him to do this alone or with a trusted adult (not GF) as she may persuade him in her best interests instead of his…. secondly i would tell him to NEVER get the house signed over into joint names but it is entirely up to him if he wants to ask her to pay rent.
I know you can’t tell him how to live his life but if he wants to marry this girl (try and disuade if possible) tell him to get a prenup first as he needs to secure his future.
I would try and hide the fact he had any actual monetary inheritance for as long as i could as i would be worried the GF would find out about it and fritter it away (if she spends £15 on shampoo she seems the materialistic type)
Just keep reiterating to him that he does not need to tell his GF how much he has inherited he could in fact just say it was just the house and a small sum of money which he could do the house up to his taste?
GOOD LUCK OP i would be worried the GF would get her claws into it in your situation

Elektra1 · 02/04/2025 17:30

He needs a cohabitation agreement

MeridaBrave · 02/04/2025 17:37

Honestly, it’s up to him. It’s his house, and unless they get married she has no claim. it’s up to him how much to charge. Maybe offer to cover the cost of a lawyer?

WhistPie · 02/04/2025 21:43

Whycanineverthinkofone · 02/04/2025 01:03

Did you buy on your own but your partner moved in with you at the time of buying?

everytime I have bought and sold dh has had to sign a waiver. This is going back to late 1990’s.

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I've bought with a mortgage and then had several friends/relatives at different times moved in! No rent books in a few cases