Son and inheritance - worried!

[Changedforsafety]

Sorry in advance for the length of this, but I’d really appreciate opinions and suggestions.
My ex husband has very sadly passed away. It was sudden and unexpected .
We were on good terms post our divorce, and I am helping the executor sort out his estate . He left a will but everything else is a bit of a mess. But I’m getting through it bit by bit , including arranging his funeral.
Our adult son , mid 20’s is his sole beneficiary and our only child. There is a house owned outright plus an amount of money . He will move into the house in a few months.
DS has a girlfriend , who frankly has shown herself to be not particularly trustworthy where money is concerned. They have been together for several years . She is the higher earner by some way , but they do not split rent and bills in proportion , whereby she is able to buy herself what she likes, yet my son frequently runs out of money before month end, not spending particularly lavishly and I often have to subsidise him , which I do gladly as I am not seeing him short of money when I have it. I suspect she is controlling and my son is quite a gentle soul. She has pulled some stunts around finances which are not nice at all and I can’t forget them.
I regularly treat them to dinner and holiday spending money which I’m happy to do and I have helped her out with emergencies in the past. I don’t expect her to kiss my feet but she seems to have now to come to expect it and is I think m quite entitled.

So ex h death has crystallised this issue. She knows there is money around , but not the detail and I am loath to have her know anything for the reasons stated. My son is quite happy for me and the executor of the will ( ex h best friend who I get on great with) to invest the money wisely for him , he has no immediate need for it, but I’m getting the vibe that she is quizzing him about finances and what’s what.

I’d really appreciate views on what you all consider a fair split of finances as they move into ex H house, in terms of expenditure and whether something can be drawn up legally to both set out fair terms for them living together and also protect his inheritance , both the house and money. His dad had no time for his girlfriend and I know would want me to make sure he was looked after. He’s a lovely natured boy but naive and whilst I am desperate not to fall out with him , (we have a lovely close relationship but I let him get on with his life and I have my own life too) , I really feel that he needs some guidance and legal protection if it’s possible.
Sorry for the length of this post, I’m really worried and feeling the weight of responsibility as his now only parent. Thank you if you got this far.

It sounds like her son is happy to have her help. I don’t think she sounds controlling.
Obviously we can’t tell from one post.

I think legal or financial advice might be the way to go . I might be painted as an over protective mum , but if this money goes , that’s money his dad and me worked hard for. He will inherit from me but hopefully not for a long time !

@notatinydancer this is correct . We are close and he has always been happy to come to me for support and advice. But he’s not a mummy’s boy and I want him to make his own way in the world.

@WhistPie she may be but so am I and she is wrong.

@alcoholnightmare to be honest , this isn’t something I want to be worrying about , we have enough to deal with losing his dad , but she has proved herself on more than one occasion to be what I would call not looking out for his best interests.
When he was walking round in winter in a thin coat with no money to buy one and she is buying £15 shampoo and presenting him with a long wish list for Xmas , then I think that frankly , takes the piss.
I bought him a coat, I would not and will never see him go without .
My concerns are not without basis.

It must be a new thing, or I had shit mortgage companies, because I never had to sign one when I bought property on my own

Could you speak to your son on your own
you seem close and I don’t think your interfering

its sadly a lifetime opportunity for your son to be mortgage free and in an excellent position for the rest of his life not one that many young people have

i would absolutely have a chat with him about what could happen if he was to marry her or let her pay towards improvements .

Hes your son and your looking out for his interest

my son inherited half of my late parents house and large sum of cash a few years ago

he bought a house with his partner and on my advice he also ringfenced his deposit
his partner had no problems with it

They have mentioned marriage and I told my son that’s up to him but he is essentially giving his partner at a min 150k plus possibly 200k if he was to get married and due to him being in a low paying job he wouldn’t be able to buy anything like what he’s got now

strangely now marriage is off the table for now 😂

his partner is lovely and I don’t think they have got a bad bone in there body but they contributed nothing to buying the house not even the furniture which I gave them the cash to buy

They have both had an exceptionally easy ride

we see it time and time again that people don’t actually understand what getting married actually means and it’s not just a party it’s a legal contract .

But my son and his partner they are on the deeds 50 - 50 so his partner will gain from any equity and they are both living in a gorgeous house together

But one could argue that what you want to do is also financially controlling.
Any cash inheritance he receives must be paid into an account in his name - the executor cannot do anything about this unless your son is actually vulnerable eg has a learning disability.

@Snapncrackle , thank you . No one wants to think they will split up, I was the same and it happened to me. Had what has gone before not happened, I wouldn’t be worried.
I’ve explained to him that he has a responsibility to me and his dad to look after his inheritance . We only split up in recent years after a long marriage but had we not , then he would not be inheriting for many years as it would have come to me , initially at least . I am comfortable myself , I have a good job and I don’t anticipate getting married again, but if I did , I would make sure his interests were protected.

@Soontobe60 it will of course go to him and I know I can’t stop him doing what he wants , only guide him. Which he is happy for me to do, I work in financial services and so had a good overview of what’s what. Like most younger people , he has never had money to invest , so has no knowledge of what to do.

your looking out for your sons best interest
He now only has one parent to do that for him and that’s you - and you have a good relationship with him

The person you split up with is not the person you are with right now that much we all know

if his girlfriend is being “controlling “ now chances are she will be 1000’times worse if she was married or thought she had some entitlement to your sons inheritance -

my son is also a bit naive and so is his partner - they are a good match but you can always get a situation where they split & my sons ex partner has a new partner encouraging him to
“take him to the cleaners “

sorry I’m a right cynical cow 😂 but I’m sure you know what I mean

it would be wise if you have the cash maybe to consider a trust to “own “ the house if this is possible then your son or his girlfriend can live there but she can’t make a claim on it
( I’m not a lawyer so you would have to check if this is possible )

I totally get where you're coming from OP. Yes he's an adult but you know him best and he's happy to receive your help and guidance. Totally agree with other posts, money best spent on a solicitors appointment.
If they end up getting married then I guess it's a moot point.

I purchased my house just over 10 years ago. My mortgage lender RBS made my now DH (at the time my partner of 5 years) sign just such a document acknowledging no right to remain in the property should they repossess or I sell, as he was an adult who would be cohabiting in the premises but was not named on the mortgage, nor the deeds/title.

As a man in his 40's who lives, and has lived in my inherited house for most of my adult life, I can tell you a salutary tale.

I met a girl in my 20's after having been a bit too open about not being encumbered by rent or mortgage, what blossomed seemed like a dream relationship - I was very much in love - marriage talked about etc.

Then a letter arrived from my solicitors which she caught site of, it was just minutes of the annual trustees meeting - she gently queried, what trust?? I explained the house was in a trust, with me, my mother and our solicitor as trustees - I was entitled to the use of the house, my mother any income it generated (which it doesn't) and on my mothers passing I would become absolutely entitled - a common enough will trust agreement.

The relationship seemed to dry up shortly after and we parted ways soon after that - I found out later, she met a chap without the trust safeguard, married him, divorced after a couple of years and took half his house - bullet dodged.

Just tell your DS to be careful, its the biggest asset he will ever have, and he is sooo fortunate, but there are people out there (men and women) who will rip you off for every last penny!

I am grateful to my grandfathers long sighted ness in will writing!

my step son had to sign a non occupiers form for the mortgage when his mum & stepdad bought a property a few years ago as he was over 18 and living in the property

the younger one 16 didn’t as he wasn’t an adult

@AllTheChatsAboutTea that’s not the case . I lived with a partner for over 20 years in “our” house . I wasn’t on the mortgage as I had another mortgage. I paid all the bills except the mortgage and all the childcare and supported him when he lost his job . I also paid for renovations and still could not claim a beneficial interest without a very expensive court case under TOLATA rules .

Couldn’t agree more
you absolutely dodged a bullet there

Good on your family for being smart
a trust shouldn’t matter if the persons intentions aren’t to rip you off

I’ve also seen it happen so as well - more than once both to women and men

totally agree @Changedforsafety - you are his only parent now and id absolutely be doing everything I could to protect him. That’s what good parents do - use their life experience to help their children no matter what age they are.

cant advise but would suggest getting legal/professional advise and protecting his assets as much as possible in event of this relationship splitting and future marriage/divorce etc

Although I can't offer advice I understand your sentiment
We can't protect them for ever. But my kids might inherit lots and it worries me that they might attract partners for their money
There is nothing wrong with trying to help with this with advice, accepting it may fall on deaf ears
And sorry for your loss

I've had something similar. I sat on the house (didn't change names over) for a year or so.

You’re absolutely doing the right thing. I say that as someone who had assets (properties I had worked hard to acquire) and married aged 31. Divorcing now and losing a huge proportion of what I worked for. If I’d had an inheritance, he would have taken at least half of that, too. I wish someone had stepped in with some cautionary advice and gone with me to see a solicitor when I was considering marriage. I had NO idea what I was letting myself in for. People kept telling me that now I had kids, marriage would ‘protect’ me. I should never have listened to anyone but a solicitor.

Did you buy on your own but your partner moved in with you at the time of buying?

everytime I have bought and sold dh has had to sign a waiver. This is going back to late 1990’s.

Would it be worth looking in to a deed of variation for the will so that it stipulates that your son is the sole inheritor and any further partner would have no right to any of the estate? We did this for my late husband's will to protect his half of the estate from any future partners of my children.

Yep totally agree and I’m sorry that all your hard work - half of it is going to be lost on someone who probably paid very little in

so many people don’t realise that marriage is a legal contract to basically share your worldly goods or in most cases a house and pension 😂 they just think of the wedding and the perfect insta photos

like I said my son had a huge deposit that i ensured was ring fenced and that both him and his partner understood what it meant
and when he was making noises about marriage a few months ago I laid it out straight to him

that if he gets married he’s basically giving his partner around 150k -possibly more and don’t be so fucking stupid 😂

that he will never ever be able to get back into a house like he has now and he ain’t moving back home with me 😂

that at 30 he and his partner are in an amazing position - don’t fuck it up by getting married 😂 they have wills & life insurance and if my son died I would absolutely expect his partner to inherit my sons share and have no problem with that

strangely the thought of possibly having to hand over 150k or more if he got married has cleared his brain fog 😂

His partner will probably inherit a fairly decent amount from his grandparents and I’ve said to my son if his partner invests that into the house then consider getting married but if he doesn’t want to then don’t get married

luckily my son will listen to me as I have never given him bad advice

i just say look you don’t have to do this - your a grown man but all i ask is that you listen to me and then make your own choice

am i interfering - probably😂 but my son will do what he wants but as long as he is aware of what it means and the financial effect of marriage can have then it’s up to him
if he wants to gamble 150k that’s his choice

If your son is amenable, it sounds as though he is and he trusts you, you and the co executor could invest on his behalf if that is what he wishes, it sounds as though he is asking you to do this.

You could “share with him” then that his inheritance is divided and tied up long term in investments between a trust that matures when he is 30 / in 6 years/or whatever time period you feel would be a good stalling point. Some is also “invested long term into his pension”. (I.e. the implication you give is that it is all inaccessible to his GF and hopefully it stalls her asking). Meanwhile you invest as you see fit.

That’s what I would do, involving a meeting with a solicitor/financial advisor and your son for added emphasis if required.