16yr old refusing to comply with CAO

[Stillstanding2024]

My DD is 16.5yrs old and has been under a 'live with order' since age 11. I am the non resident parent. The case history is complex with incidents of DV. DD has never been happy with the CAO citing the OP (resident parent) is controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive. DD has lived with this abusive behaviour for the last 5yrs. She's always had regular contact with me (non resident parent) and I'm the parent she has always felt safe with. Background: I am her mum and had full custody up until she was removed from my care at age 11. OP was successful at manipulating FC proceedings in 2018 and convinced the court that I had lied about previous allegations of DV and caused DD extreme emotional distress. At the time DD was too young to have her voice heard. Fast forward to now, she is 16.5yrs old and following months of difficulties with the OP she arrived at my home and has told OP she is not coming back because she can no longer live under the restraints of the CAO. DD is very mature and can articulate her reasons why continuing the CAO is not in her best interests and is affecting her mental health. I should note that the court has set the order to run until she's 18, which is in 18mths time. DD has tried to speak to OP but he has stoned walled her preferring to take legal action. I suspect because of OP hatred for me he will attempt to defame me again as he did in 2018 and have me brought before the court for breach of order? This is the first time DD has ever stood her ground and refused to comply. She has reached her breaking point and says she can't live under OP dictator style parenting. DD mental health has declined significantly since residency changed hands in 2018 and has been in therapy since 2022. To cover myself I have emailed OP 4 times asking him to please phone DD and try and resolve their ongoing problems. He has ignored all my attempts to communicate and refuses to speak with DD. OP has said if DD wants the CAO discharged then she needs to ask me to organise that. I have all the necessary paperwork and have an appointment with my solicitor to submit the C100 requesting a discharge of the order. I fully support DD but I'm aware as the non resident parent I need to be seen as neutral and trying to resolve this issue. I've done as much as I can to cover my back, so to speak but I'm extremely worried about what the OP can legally do to us while I have this order discharged. Can he successfully have me for breach of order? Could he succeed at getting an emergency enforcement order? Is there anything he can do to make DD return to him? She has made her wishes very clear and is adamant she wants to be free to move between both our homes as she pleases and see the OP on her terms. Despite the OP history of abuse DD still wants to have some sort of contact with him but is refusing to live with him. I have always supported her choice to see the OP despite my personal opinion because I work off the premise of, whatever makes my DD happy.

I'd be so grateful for advice on this matter. OP plays dirty and it's very vindictive so I'm really concerned about his next move.

Thank you for reading.

At 16.5 the order has no relevance anymore really. She could pack her bags and move out tomorrow herself into her own flat if she wanted to, she’s legally allowed to leave home and she can do that if she wants to. I wouldn’t worry about it at all to be totally honest. Bless you both it sounds like such a tough time x

Court will not do anything

I'm surprised you have allowed this to go on as long as you have. She has been old enough to have her opinion considered for several years. If the other parent wants to take you back to court then let them crack on but she can openly say she doesn't want to live there and they will have no choice. Why do you not want her to live with you?

Thankyou so much for your reassurance. This is causing us both an incredible amount of stress right now. It's this live with order that is hanging over both our heads and it states until she's 18 she has to reside with the other parent. Until I can get this order changed, how will the court view this with her refusal to obey it? I mean I can't physically take her back (not that I would ever dream of doing so) but I'm scared of being accused of breaching this order?

This is confusing OP as the court would have listened to her opinion from about the age of 12. If he's been abusing her for years why didn't you facilitate some kind of safeguarding?

Oh I do want her to live with me, she's lived with me since the age of 3 up until he was awarded residency. I have lived under this man's reign of terror and coercive control for nearly a decade and until now I've been too conditioned and too scared to rattle his cage and stand up for myself and my DD. I have no family in the UK and I guess you could say he's always preyed on my vulnerability and has succeeded, until now. Im standing up for myself and for DD but very scared at the same time x

They won't do anything,by the time she gets to court she'll be nearly 17 and could legally work a full time job and not even be in education.
A court order written when a child is 11 is not relevant to the young adult she is today. If she tells a court she's not going they can't do a thing about it

I can totally relate to this. Please don't worry no court will make a young adult move back where she doesn't want to go

Orders are only made until they are 16 and even if it is until she is 18 the court will not do anything to enforce. You have reasonable excuse for breaching order.

What country are you in? If you’re in the UK then I wouldn’t worry about court proceedings - children are considered legally capable of picking who they want to live with at around age 12 and it sounds like dd would be able to say what she wants.

The reason I've been unable to issue any safeguarding for DD is because the OP, the abuser, was able to turn the tables in FC in 2018 and during the FFH manipulated and lied to the extent he was able to convince the FC judge that I was the abusive parent, despite there never being a shred of evidence to support his claim, and there being historical evidence of his abuse, including being placed on remand in 2012 for 6mths for attempt to kill. We read about how mothers have their children removed in these instances when abusers can manipulate the system, and I'm living proof of it. The injustice that was done has damaged myself and my DD significantly and only made the OP, the abuser more powerful. This happens behind the closed doors of FC more than people realise x

https://childlawadvice.org.uk/

it'worth getting some advice. These are very helpful. * *

OP I get it. The other posters are confusing the standard custody arrangements with a live with order, which are only issued until 18 in rare circumstances. My partner is the non resident parent and there is one for his children. His DD is in the same situation as yours. You need to submit the form to get it formally lifted. The person to submit it is your DD. It should come from her.

I am Australian living in the UK. I've been here since 2005 x

No they aren't. In cases like this where the other partner has alleged abuse or alienation the courts will ignore the child. I've seen children beg to spend more time with their dad and it be refused. The FC are horrendous.

Yes you are spot on. I've made the appointment with a solicitor to submit a C100 form to have it discharged, do I bring DD with me? Will the solicitor allow her to complete the form? x

I hope you get sorted . I can't imagine how awful this has been for you .
I bet he hates that no matter what within 18 months he has no control over you both

This is true. She'll be 17 next March. She is completely prepared to use her voice and speak for herself. She's reached the point of no return. It's taken a lot of courage for her to get to this point and I'm so proud of her. Thankyou for your kindness x

I think that's the reason his behaviour has got worse and he's become more unreasonable and irrational is because he is losing control and he knows it. He lost control over me when I divorced him, although I still had to put up with his abuse to co parent with him, so next was controlling my DD, and as her mum I can't tell you how heartbreaking and soul destroying it's been to watch this over the last 5yrs believing I couldn't do a thing about it and also being terrified of him. I wouldn't wish this on any parent x

I have to agree with you. At age 11 she told the judge her daddy was mean and cruel and he scared her. She begged the judge to let her stay with me and her wishes were ignored. She was removed from me. You take a risk alleging abuse in FC because it's your word against the OP, and even with extensive evidence, court trials, police records and statements, therapy reports and hospital and GP reports, the FC can STILL disbelieve you. Very hard to wrap your head around I know, but it happens x

She really should be going to the solicitor on her own and driving it herself. Very hard I know but she needs to speak to the solicitor, say she is gillick competent and wishes the live with order to be lifted.

I've seen it happen. DP was accused of parental alienation because the kids hate their mum. They hate their mum because she abuses them. But once a narrative is established at the FC it is nearly impossible to counter it and everything is then seen in the context of that narrative. x

Thankyou for that advice. I will look into that tomorrow x

I'm sorry he's been thru this. You're so right. That's why I'm so worried about how the court will view me and the parent breaching the order so to speak, based on past beliefs that I am the abuser. I was told by a barrister once that if a FC judge ruled it as factual, then it's factual, regardless. FC can chew you up and spit you out, and it's almost impossible to fight back x

She's 16. The court order isn't worth the paper it's written on. Go and get her and then support her to go to court to remove the order if it will make you both feel better. But he can't make her come back at her age. Nothing will happen.