Help I need advice on a declaration of trust

[NiftyLilacSwan]

Hi,

I have been with my husband for 22 years and married for almost 17 years. We have 3 DC, 2 of which have SEN. I work and have worked very hard to get to a good place career wise, he on the other hand goes through jobs like hot dinners (he’s had 3 different jobs in 12 months) and earns around 20-30% less than me. I contribute my whole salary to our household and I always have i am also the main career for our DC.

His parents have now offered him a substantial gift to help us get on the property ladder. We also have other money to go toward the purchase so it is not solely depended on this ‘gift’. They have now said that I HAVE to sign a declaration of trust to say that I will get absolutely no share of the gift. I am very upset as I have worked very hard for our family while their son has done the bare minimum over the course of our marriage. Don’t get me wrong I absolutely love him and don’t want this to tear us apart but I am also not willing to give everything to him if we do divorce one day (I don’t think we will but you never know).

By me refusing to sign this I am being told by them that it proves I am only after his parents money, although I have never taken a penny from them or asked. And that if I don’t sign I shouldn’t go on holiday as I’m making things very awkward by not signing. It’s also been implied that my marriage may be over if I don’t sign.

my biggest issue is that if we do split I will not be left with enough money to buy something of my own and he will be left in a very good position.

sorry for the long winded post but I really don’t know what to do and we’re meant to be staying with them for 2 weeks over the summer and it’s been made very clear if I don’t sign I’m not welcome to stay with them. I have paid (not husband) and planned this trip for my children for the past 6 months and my kids are very excited so in my opinion if I don’t sign I’m also ruining my kids summer.

I suppose what I’m asking is how enforceable will this be if we do divorce?? And am I being unreasonable not signing?

thanks for reading

What they are saying is that they want you to sign a pre-nuptial agreement. They want to ensure that if you divorce and remarry then their family wealth doesn't leave their family. That's not unreasonable for them to think that way. I am assuming it's a significant sum of money.

the alternative is that they buy a house for you and their son to live in but neither of you actually own it. But you might have to pay 40% inheritance tax when they die.

We have been married for over 16 years and have 3 DC. They have stated that it would be a declaration of trust, I’m not sure if that makes any difference.

I completely understand that they don’t want me to benefit from their wealth but currently my husband is benefiting from my hard work, which I was absolutely fine with me when everything has been joint for our whole relationship and I have NEVER used this against him but it seems a little unfair that when he is the one with more money he call the shots.

I have ask to sit down with them and meet them half way but that was a definite NO. All I want is my contributions to be taken in to account.

Also I did suggest they buy the house and we could pay rent but they took that as me asking them for more money 🤷‍♀️

What does your DH say?

Presumably, if you did split, the only thing ring-fenced would be the original sum his DPs put into the house, not anything you contributed as a couple, or any capital growth. So you wouldn't be worse off than if you split tomorrow.

your right in the fact it would only be the ‘gift’ that is taken in to account so maybe I am being a little u reasonable.

I really don’t think we will split, we have been through so much and are the best and strongest we have ever been, this is why I’m a little taken back by the whole thing. Unfortunately there is a history of manipulation from MIL to DH so he feels stuck in the middle but seems to be more on their side.

Incase it makes a difference we are planning on doing a right to buy and it’s been my name on the tenancy for the duration but obviously he is names as a person living at the property and he is on all of the documentation. We will get a full discount based on my tenancy and DH and MIL feel that this should be split equally if we divorce although it’s my name on the tenancy and I have accumulated the discount over the years.

maybe I’m just feeling a little wounded!

thank you for replying, I needed a different perspective

What's the relative size of the discount to the amount of the gift? Because that's your input, he couldn't get the discount (or in fact even buy the property) without you...

when I suggested I get the discount amount it got very heated and I was told absolutely not because we are married! Their gift is under 25% more than the discount.

They're full of shit, frankly. If your dh is leaning towards their point of view I'd be very concerned.

Its all very confusing because although he seems to side with them on the other hand he has said that he won’t accept the money if it’s going to come between us.

As mentioned my MIL is very manipulative and my DH is her only child so there is no one else to balance things. A lot of this goes over his head which is why I handle the household things. From the things he has said i know it’s definitely not coming from him., he would not have even known what a declaration of trust is!

Personally in that scenario I'd be firm with them that either they gift the money to the both of you for the purpose of buying the house, or not at all.

Sounds like they are creating drama for the sake of it. It's not like yo are new on the scene with their son or anything.

I would politely decline the gift and buy the house together

"...on the other hand he has said that he won’t accept the money if it’s going to come between us."

As others have already said, I think the best response might be to politely decline the gift altogether because this clearly will remain an issue between you.

A deed of trust showing your husband owns more than you won't affect how much you can claim on divorce.

The posters telling you to refuse this gift are in my view offering the worst advice.

Agree with Collaborate. A post-nuptial agreement can reduce your claim on divorce, as can a pre-nuptial agreement. However, a deed of trust for the marital home won't affect your claim if you divorce.

Can you afford to go ahead with the house purchase without their gift?

If the answer is no then I would just smile sweetly and sign the form.

Try not to take it personally and don't allow it to affect your relationship with the ILs assuming you otherwise get on with them well.

If you had been together for a couple of years, maybe I could understand. In your case, this is a really crappy thing for them to do. I would refuse the gift. You can't let people hold power over you like that. If they are twatty enough to do this to you, it won't end there.

They can gift the money and ask you to sign but it isn't actually valid if you are in the uk, nor are prenups. Once you buy the house your solicitor can have house share written up anyway you and your husband decide and it is confidential anyway.

If you want to go ahead to keep the peace you could always ring fence the money they gifted for your husband then ring fence the money you are contributing for you as absolute sums not percentages, with the remaining split 60/40 in your favour to reflect your higher income. Again they will not know. Talk to your husband properly and explain the difference options

But if they can manage without the money and all the hassle that's going with it now and possibly in the future then it will be better for their marriage .

I'd agree with the PP and say you agree to ring fence the gift from the parents agree to adjust the ownership levels to balance things back a bit. This way you reflect that you paid more mortgage and contribute the discount for rtb

Just sign it.

They could if they want earmark it as a loan so you are in a better position than you would be otherwise.

Whatever you sign now, you don't know what the future holds. You may pre-decease him still married in which case its all immaterial. Even if you get divorced, they may be dead by then and he won't care or hold you to it.

Plus if you get on the property ladder with a bigger property you will benefit from the normal increase in property value even if ultimately you do get divorced.

I'd make clear to your husband you aren't happy about signing it and why but just do it. It's cutting off your nose to spite your face and it's not his money in real terms so it doesn't equate to 'your hard work' - his is a gifted windfall that comes with a specific condition.

The right to buy discount used to start at 32% after 2 years tenancy of the value of the house and go up to a maximum of 60% increasing for each year of tenancy that applied. That is your discount and your contribution. If they want a declaration of trust the the deed should be drawn to state just that, you are contributing a notional x by using the discount and he is contributing y from their gift monies. Anything else is entirely unfair and your husband is a wanker if he can't or doesn't want to see that.

In any event, as you are married with a long relationship it is extremely unlikely that a court would decide he could keep those monies separate on a split of matrimonial assets at some point in the future but court can be unpredictable. It would also depend upon how the monies were gifted and the conditions they may try to impose.

Frankly, if I were you I'd tell him he can either say you won't accept their money unles it is an unconditional gift and if your h doesn't agree to tell them that he doesn't want it he should be told to move back home with mummy. He's not an equal partner by the sound of things if he's got a spotty work history, is happy for you to graft while he drifts in and out of work and wants to facilitate his family trying to shaft you.

I'm going through this now from your husband's pov. My DF is gifting us money as we are moving. Together 8 years one DS and I'm pregnant. No doubt my Dad will also want a legal agreement when we get married for inheritance purposes.

I've actually got no problem with it, nor has my DP. It makes me feel protected, but I think that's knowing men often walk out and leave women with the children and screw them financially
Not sure how I'd feel the other way.

My solicitor tried to push us to do a, % of the value of the house instead of £X amount of the gift. Make sure you go with the cash amount as with the percentage of the house value goes up he will get more - this is why my solicitor suggested this way.

It is a legally binding document attached to the house, so married or not it will stand. I asked my solicitor as we are due to get married.

If this were me I’d play the game right back and split finances entirely, with all bills and holidays being paid on an equal basis.

Sorry but I wouldn’t accept it after 16 years of merged finances, esp as the higher earner. I’m surprised your DH thinks it’s okay.

Go on holiday anyhow and stay in an AirBnB!

If you can possibly avoid taking this money I would. The strings will get bigger and thicker. And then she'll want it back the first time you're in a vulnerable position.

If you can manage it without the gift, I would. Otherwise this is going to come between you.