Petrified to be taken to court. don’t know what to do

[mum68868756]

just really need somebody to talk to.
My ex abused me physically mentally emotionally for many years, I was a vulernable 16 year old when i met him and moved in with him right away, had a pregnancy then an ab*rtion, moved away and got back together fell pregnant with my second… escaped the DV situation six months pregnant and never looked back, stopped all contact with him and then as soon as i could i got a protection order which is now permanent. He’s never met baby, not on birth cert or anything. We’ve had no contact from august 2023 up until april 2024, stupidly allowed for him to make contact with me and we’ve had contact a few times since nothing to do with baby, he’s asked a few times but i’ve not said anything about her as i just don’t feel comfortable speaking about her after everything he’s done to us. Anyway, tonight found out he’s got a girlfriend after having seen this girl constantly on my page, I messaged him about him saying look I don’t know why i’m being watched but I don’t like it and appreciate if it could stop. Well now she’s gone and messages me, all very cocky telling me that she’s got a big mouth and not afraid to use it, that i’m crazy, that if he’s abused me then why do i message him, telling me not to give a sob story and that if i want to message him message about our daughter… Clearly she has no idea what has really happened, he would’ve told stories you know made me look like the crazy ex keeping his kid away. I tried to handle the situation as calmly as I could while I was basically been made a fool out of by this girl who’s probably known my ex for a split second and has no idea what a narcissist he is.
I am SO TORN not because of him but i’m so scared to lose my baby really, i’m so scared for the day he takes me to court if he ever does for visitation and maybe the court sees i’m an unfit mother or what have you, I know i’m not fuck i do everything for my baby i always have on my own without any help from him what so ever. But I just hate myself for allowing that contact when i shouldn’t have and im so broken that you know it could be used against me. 😭😭😭

there’s been a few contacts about different things and im so scared for it to be used against me, if he goes to court and i feel with this girl in his life she may push him to go to court. I can admit that sadly I have said somethings that I shouldn’t have said such as making contact with him about things that I have seen and heard from other people, I have deleted my social media accounts because i’m petrified but this does not delete messages and so if he wants to he can screenshot and use anything shiet me: I very stupidly allowed for that contact to be broken and as soon as I did it sent me down hill, everything kept playing on my mind and I just let emotion get the better of me. I think it was almost a year of not speaking and then all of a sudden there’s that contact again and I don’t think emotionally and mentally I was ready for that at all. I feel very stupid and I am so scared that everything will be used against me, that a judge will think that I only care about his life and what he’s doing with women this and that and it’s not the case, although i know he will make it look this way.
Im really struggling, I see a psychologist for the abuse he put me through but I haven’t yet seen her to mention all of this and it’s really playing on my mind, If I lose my daughter that’s really the end of me i’ll have nothing left anymore.

really not doing okay

Block everyone and stop having contact

You're spiraling take things one step at a time.

I would block them both. If you feel you have to message her you could say ok you're right it's best I don't contact him I will leave you two as a couple in peace' and then block both.

It doesn't seem like he wants anything to do with child but if he did there's months off expensive hoops to jump through first and it would be very slow and gradual.

It's not weird that you went back as many abused women do. Call a helpline. Xx

It's very unlikely your baby would be taken off you unless it's an unsafe environment. Are any of your messages suggesting this in any way? Violence? Drug use? Alcohol around the child? Severe fnancial issues?

Was his abuse of you ever reported? Courts can and do look at visitation on the basis of what's right for the child. If there's no evidence he's a bad guy, they may consider her not having a father in her life to be unfair on her. On the other hand, if there is reports etc it could be more of a conversation with SS and a judge around safety. Importantly, it's about your daughter's rights, not his.

Does he pay towards her? I agree with PP that you should not engage with the Father or his GF over social media. No good can come from it.

Good luck

Nothing you have said makes me think you are a bad mum. You got back in contact with your ex which you realise was a bad idea but you have done nothing illegal. He has, he has breached the protection order but that is against him not you. I work in a court and I know that couples frequently get together when there is a protection order, even if the meeting has been initiated by the one needing protection, it is still the person who has been restrained that has broken the law. The court will not be interested in you. If you wish you could let the police know that he has breached the restraining order and he could be prosecuted.

If you threaten your ex with telling the police that he has breached the restraining order that might cause him and his new girlfriend to back off.

You got back in touch with him. Block everyone involved and move on for your child’s sake.

Tried to call a helpline and weirdly no body answered, I’ve been crying non stop snuggling my baby thinking she’ll be taken from me.
He has her names in instagram bio and always claims to love her, tells everyone i’m keeping her away out of jealousy etc. This girl has her own idea of what she thinks is the reason he has a protection order and has never met my baby, tried to tell her and she basically mocked me.
Ive blocked the both of them, but i’m still scared that messages will be used against me😭. I can’t understand how anybody could say i’m an unfit mother, it’s just far from the truth

You're catastrophising, my lovely. That's because you're still traumatised by what's happened. The biggest and best thing that you can do for both you and your baby is to block everyone connected to him. It doesn't matter what they think or say about you, you know your truth which is that he's an abusive man.

Do the block and keep speaking to your therapist. Unless you're a really neglectful and abusive mother, which you're not, no one is going to take a baby from a home where they're loved, nurtured and their needs are met.

I'd also speak to your GP about your anxiety. Anxiety tells you lies, and it's shit. You've got this, and you're okay.

no not at all! i don’t do any of those things🩷 my baby is very safe in my care, i’ve been a solo mum since i was six months pregnant and have had her on my own ever since, sleepless newborn nights, teething stages, all of it.

The abuse was reported. He has a permanent protection order but I feel like that won’t matter to a judge because i’ve been in contact with him. I have a lot of evidence from the past of his abuse and most of it’s been reported however he has recent texts from me which I’m scared will be used against me.

He doesn’t pay for anything x

Block them both op.
You are spiralling- one thing at a time. Block them and never speak to them again. So sorry he has put you through such an ordeal. Do you have any family support nearby? A good gp? Best of luck to you & your daughter. You did the right thing getting your daughter out of his catch when you did. X

Change all your social media settings to private so no one can see anything unless your friends with them.

Hi,
Thank you for this.
What if it’s been me to message first and he’s responded? It hasn’t always been that way but recently I did message first.

I regret it so much and I’m really not doing so well after all of it. I let everything get the better of me and I wish that I continued no contact. If I have it my way, i’ll never speak to him again especially after how much anxiety it has now given me for the possibility of losing my baby.
He made it seem in the messages that he only wanted to know about her and nothing else, that’s because his partner was on the chat so he made it seem a different way than to how he would’ve initially responded.

Just to say as well, you should be proud of yourself for getting away from him. Yes, you've got sucked back in again with some texts, but hey, that's the trauma. You won't get into trouble for it. He could though!

Well done on blocking them. It's big and scary not knowing what's been said, but the people saying things aren't those that matter or bring anything positive to your life. Your positive is your gorgeous little girl who loves you unconditionally and it's safe with you. That's what matters.

There is no possibility of losing your baby to this man's custody. None.

Your anxiety is making you spiral and focus on your worst fears. Now you've blocked them, set all your social things to private or limited to current contacts only. Then try to distract your thinking with future plans for you and your child(ren) maybe. Anything nice planned for the weekend or next week?

😭😭😭 thank you so much. I’m only 20 she’s my first born and I can’t live with out her. He’s always done everything to make my life a misery and I’m so scared he’s going to take her from me.

I do have a high level of anxiety confirmed by my psychologist. I was scared for a long time to even leave the house and be in the public, scared that he too would be there.
I hear horrible things about family court and I don’t think i’d be strong enough to do it, I haven’t seen my ex since july last year and i haven’t healed at all. I’ve tried to heal and seek help, I love my baby so so so much and she is really the only reason i left that relationship she was my reason.

Stop! Please stop worrying. Nobody is going to take your baby away.
All previous advice on here is valuable and holds water.

It’s good that you’ve blocked them. He’s not supporting baby, he’s not on birth certificate. Just think of him as a non event, a stranger, but, you must stay away from him/them. Don’t engage at all, no social media, no messaging, no going where he goes. Avoid avoid avoid.

You’re doing well Mum. Keep it up.

Cease all contact immediately, block them, and that will be it. It will cost him a lot to take you to court, in my experience these types of men are not interested in paying. Make sure your social profiles are completely private, even your profile photo, and block friend requests. If you continue contact he is going to continue controlling you so it needs to end, and now. If he wants to know why he can ask his girlfriend but it isn't for you to explain.
If anything else happens do come back here for advice. A lot of people have been through similar, but do listen to the advice, because it's usually give with hindsight

I don’t really have family near by unfortunately, I speak to them over texts everyday though. I see a psychologist weekly however she rescheduled this week so haven’t seen her, I would say it’s helping I mean it’s really just helpful to talk to somebody about what i’ve gone through rather than bottling it up.

I have blocked them both but I really blame myself for the stupidity, I should have never messaged him in the first place especially about a girl or things i’ve heard from others. It’s not my business and I can’t believe i’d risk losing my baby over it, I feel defeated

I very much doubt he'd spend to money to take you to court. He'd have to apply to be on the birth certificate first. Scaring you is just another tool in his arsenal against you. You're not going to lose your baby. Go have a snuggle with her.

I don't think it matters if you've contacted him, the order is against him not you. It doesn't negate what's gone on before. The courts see people like him all the time, even if he were to try ( seems unlikely as he hasn't already) he'd have no case and a pile of evidence all in your favour.

You've already demonstrated you're a fit mother, not least by putting your child first by getting away from him.

Don't engage with him, you owe him nothing.

Thank you😭🩷 I am so disappointed in myself to have made contact with him again especially over stupid things.
It does eat at me not knowing what is said, I can take a guess that it would all be horrible things though.

You've not risked losing her at all. Yes, you may have fucked up a little but you've dealt with it. We are all human and we all make mistakes. Well done on realising that you'd made a mistake and backed off again. That's a brave thing to do. You've done lots of brave things. Being brave is being scared but doing it anyway.

Thank you so much. Where i’m from (new zealand) usually you can apply for free legal aid meaning he wouldn’t even need to pay for anything, i’m not sure how much would be covered but still a big portion of it 😞

I will never contact him ever again and I just hope and pray he will not take me to court, I know I have a lot of evidence behind the safety concerns but I also know he’s a narcissist and is very good at convincing people

It’s good that you blocked them both.

anyone with half a brain knows the power abusers hold, and they know thy can make their victims dependent on them in many ways. No one will see it as you wanting to contact him, it’s a symptom of the abuse. You’ve recognised that and blocked it 👏

can you reach out to some women’s aid places? Or see your gp, see if they can put you in touch with some support? Even the Samaritans, talk it through with a real person and see if they have some support groups.

surround yourself with people who value your worth and put him in your past.

That's a future problem in the very unlikely event that happens. You can't do anything about that. Control what you can and try and live for now, which is you and your daughter having a lovely life together.