Ex husband refusing to pay mortgage

[Jeany1967]

Sorry, quite a bit of back story here...

Husband and I in the process of divorce (final financial hearing in October).

I moved out of the house a year ago as it was so toxic for myself and our children. We split custody 60/40 in my favour due to work commitments on both sides and MOST of the time it's worked well. He's very controlling and has on a few occasions refused to allow my parents to collect the children from him when he's known I am out for the evening (Christmas party, friend's 50th etc). I've had to then cancel my plans. I only mention this because he's now doing the same with the financial side of things.

Since moving out of the family home a year ago he hasn't given me any child maintenance. No financial help with childcare costs, school uniforms etc. I am paying to rent privately and have got myself into debt trying to do it on my own. Fast forward to last month and I finally applied to the CMS to try and get some help. They have contacted my ex husband and he has lost his head. Awful abusive messages to me stating that I am an awful mother and he can't wait for our boys to find out what I'm like, etc etc.
Fast forward another month and he has gotten his solicitor to write to me with what he's stating is a fair offer (50/50 on the house equity and he's claiming 50% of the difference in our pensions which works out about £3k once you minus the cost of actually getting the statements).

I'm due to speak to my solicitor soon but I'm not sure if there should be other things taken into consideration. I acquired the majority of my pension before we were married and have been on maternity leave and part time since marrying so would he be entitled 50% of all of it or just the amount I've acquired since marrying?
He got a promotion towards the end of last year and as part of that his employers are now contributing large amounts to his pension each month and his pension would have overtaken mine come the financial hearing in October but he is claiming that he has cancelled his pension contributions as well as he can't afford to live, meaning his employer is also not contributing and so the difference in pensions will be larger come the hearing.

Since I've applied for child maintenance and haven't given in to his demands for me to settle with him out of court, he has now stopped the direct debit for the mortgage. No call to the bank to try and negotiate a lower amount, just logged into the bank and stopped the direct debit. This will of course affect our ability to rent or buy going forward. He doesn't care about that as he has family who are willing to lend him money to pay off the mortgage, pay me my share and he has to pay them back a third of what I pay out on rent each month. He has the money already but won't pay off the mortgage before the divorce as he's worried I'll go for half the house value without it having a mortgage on it in the financial settlement (I've assured him I won't).

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and don't know what to do. I will need to rent or buy in the near future and the thought of being blacklisted is awful. I have contacted the lender and they have said that we can switch to an interest only plan for 6 months which will take us to the court date but seeing as he's stopped the direct debit it will be me footing the bill for this (putting on my credit card), as well as paying my own rent and going further into debt. The thing is is that even with the child maintenance payment to me and the interest only option it's less than what he's been paying for the mortgage so I know he can afford it but he's just trying to force me into accepting out of court.

I realise I am still on the mortgage and am liable for 50% of it but I pleaded with him to put the house on the market before I moved out for which he refused and said he could afford it alone. Now we're in this position and potentially he will be living in the home rent free for the next 6 months until we go to court, I will be further into debt and maybe blacklisted if I can't afford all the payments.

I'm just lost as to what to do. Can anyone advise me please?

Thank you! I've just had a quick look. Interesting point at the bottom about child maintenance. He hasn't really been father of the year in that respect either. Refusing to pay me any maintenance since I moved out, threatening to take the children 50/50 if I did. I got to the point (a year after moving out) that I couldn't do it alone any longer and applied via the CMS. That's when he's lost his head and is now saying that this is why he can't afford to pay the mortgage. I really hope the courts take all this into consideration.

Could you register a company on companies house and say you want to go for the quick sale option and then make a low offer in the companies name?

I would deal directly with the bank and pay the interest only payments but he's said this week that he will cancel any interest only option I take up with them (as both have to agree).

Possibly but I've had so much grief from my ex that it will cost me thousands to start all over again and go through it all with someone new .

Sorry, I might not have explained it clearly. My ex has enough money from his family already (that they've loaned him) to pay off the mortgage and buy me out right now. He won't do that because he thinks that if we go to court in October, the house will essentially be mortgage free and he thinks I will go for half of it's value (and not just half of the equity we have in it with the outstanding mortgage at the moment). I've told him I wouldn't do that but he doesn't believe me. This is one of the reasons he's pushing for me to accept. He has the ability right now to pay it off but won't.

This is another reason I'm still fighting. I will not let this man control me any longer and I feel as though I owe it to my children to be strong.

He is emotionally blackmailing me because he knows deep down (and I've told him this at the beginning) that I ideally want him to stay in the house as it'll be less upheaval for the children whilst they're with him and they have grown up there. He knows this, knows that I don't want him to have to sell and is using it. That's why I think my Dad has offered to possibly help me. If he can't afford the mortgage and I can afford to buy him out then the boys will be able to at least stay there.

The basic problem with divorce and financial orders is that a lot comes down to the judge you see on the day.

So you are asking whether X will be taken into account or whether Y will happen.

There are guidelines as to what needs to be taken into consideration which other people have posted but ultimately it's not strict rules that you can refer to, it's the judge's decision on the day.

That's why your solicitor can't give you clear advice as to "you will get this and you will get that". The best they can do is say "you are likely to get more in court" which it sounds like she is saying.

You need to decide whether the additional money you think you will get in court is worth the time and money you will spend on it. She can't make that decision for you.

It may be that if the mortgage situation is going to impact badly on your ability to house yourself you would be better off accepting your H's offer.

It sounds like he is going to fight you to the end just because so if you want to fight him you need to be prepared for him to do everything to make your life difficult. He may well feel that losing money is worth it if it makes your life harder.

I'm not sure? Would that be legal?

If I was to buy him out we'd have to do it all legally and settle out of court. He might accept if that's the case as he won't have to worry about what the judge will say come October. Financially though I might be shooting myself in the foot by doing that. It's just the not knowing what the judge will say. And my solicitor will not give me a straight answer as to what that will be.

You say you want him to continue living in the marital home so that your children can stay there with him.

I understand why you want this.

But it is no longer in your power to achieve this. If you reverse it round and he wanted to control where you live it wouldn't be ok.

Children do value physical security. You aren't wrong to see that. But emotional security is much more important, and that's what they need,

He could decide to move at any time after you are divorced and you can't do anything to stop him.

Focus on being there emotionally for your kids and getting the best financial deal you can. Let go of your old house.

Thank you!

Yes this is what I am finding. It comes down to which judge you see on the day but I find that really bad. Surely everyone should be working from the same book? It's just the not knowing bit that's doing my head in.

He is making my life a misery and has been since we separated (he told me he would when I told him it was over). I just think that if I give in to him with this he will continue to try and control me forever (through our children). If I say no hang on, you will not do this maybe he'll think twice in the future... but maybe not.

Have you ever considered applying for an occupation order which would allow you to live in the property with the children?

He is clearly abusive. Have you ever talked to anyone - GP or Women's Aid or anything - about his behaviour?

You do have to decide whether to stick with your solicitor or get a second opinion. If I were you I'd consider changing. There's still several months to go before the hearing and he could really do a lot of damage to your credit rating between now and then.

This is free advice line: https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

And this is a helpful, detailed guide - you don't have to pay to download it, you can just scroll down to read the content:
https://www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/survival-guide-sorting-out-your-finances-when-you-get-divorced

Thank you for your reply.

I only heard about an occupation order a few days ago when another person suggested it. I'm not sure that is an option though as there's no way he would move out and I couldn't move back in there with him especially after what he's done over the last month.

It is definitely emotional abuse. I have spoken to Refuse, Woman's Aid and the police. They have all said it's coercive control but the police can't do anything because there's no threat of harm. They won't even contact him and tell him to stop. I find this shocking. Emotional abuse is awful and it wears you down.

Thank you so much for the links. I will take a look

The point of an occupation order is that it's a court order so it's precisely for situations when he won't agree to leave - the order forces him to. Definitely talk to a solicitor about it. You have evidence of abuse.

You could apply for a non molestation order too while you're at it.

But wouldn't it take months to go to court to potentially make him leave? We're in court for the final financial hearing in October.

Refuge and Women's Aid told me I could apply for this. I was scared because the impression I got was that he is informed that I've applied for it and then I might not even get it. I'm constantly thinking that I'm imagining everything. And whenever I've done anything he doesn't agree with or I've not let him have his own way with the children, he works out a way to punish me. Luckily he can't communicate with me face to face so he puts it all in text which I have kept.

Can you play hard ball and say fine lets sell the house cheaply, not to you or family though, must be a clean sale. I will refuse any offers from you or your family/friends. If he can play nasty, so can you.

Great a fast sale. I can move on then. Appear happy at this and puzzle the hell out of him. Push for that child maintenance and spousal maintenance too. Learn to laugh at his pathetic ways, cos divorce and final hearing are on their way and he can tantrum all he wants, but he cant stop the outcome. You WILL be divorced, you WILL get away from him, you WILL get that house sold and you WILL move on.

Yes, I agree he is a controlling dickhead, but I think you need to accept to spite you, he will even go as far as shooting himself in the foot. He is one of those men who cant be told. As much as I would be tempted to move back in, to spite him, your mental health and happiness is at risk then. I don't think I could do that no matter how much it was a good idea.

Try not worry about October too much, he could be dead by then, ( we wish) and at end of the day I would push for a sale of the house and a clean break. Forget the ideal you have about kids in the family home, kids like everyone else will have to adjust. And they will. If you have money to cover 6 or 12 months rent, then landlords wont worry too much about your credit score.

You can rebuild your credit sore, what you can't do is allow him control you, or worry about what he will do next. In that case you may as well have stayed in the house with him. I had to restart everything, ex wouldn't allow me take anything from the house, but in a very odd way that was freeing, my new bed and bedcovers - mine alone. My house - he had never set foot in, his house ( council and only rented) had traces on me everywhere, you can change the decor, but the ghost of me is still in that house to this day lol...

I hope I haunt his dreams haha.

I hope you understand what I am trying to say, this too will pass, take a deep breath and know you can do this, and the reason he is ramping it all up is he knows he is losing control over you. Big hugs and you have got this xx

Thank you for this.

This is a very accurate representation of the whole situation (and I've had to deal with much worse from him in terms of the children and the custody battle we have over them for which we have a dispute resolution hearing next month). A few people have said that his behaviour won't go down well with the judge or the judge will come down hard on him but I've also read that parties can do such horrendous things and the court will still not care when it comes to splitting the finances or deciding what's best for the children. If he can prove he can care for them 50% of the time it doesn't matter what he does to me or how he can behave (sometimes in front of the children but mostly via harassing messages). I really hope the judge will tell him this isn't right so at least we can co-parent efficiently going forward. I just can't live like this.

Thank you so much for this - I really needed it! I will print it out and stick it on the wall 💪

I hope you are coping ok. It sounds as though you are xx

Ah I am fine, thank you very much for asking xx , it has been 17 years now, I was shocked to realise that last week. When you are in the depths of it, time moves so slowly, then hell 17 years, but it still feels like maybe 5-10 years.

My kids have cut me dead, I grieved like mad for years, now I just leave it alone, They are strangers now, I cant beat myself up forever for it. He won there and the kids and I lost out. Had he truly loved them, he would not have allowed that happen. I stepped back as I could see what it was doing to them.

Life is ugly, horrible and rarely kind, and yet there are lovely days, days you are happy and it comes to us all. You cant fight the tide of time, no matter what you do. Oct is not far away now, can't wait to hear the outcome, in the meantime grey rock him all you can. His opinion of you doesn't matter one tiny crumb. xx