Ex husband refusing to pay mortgage

[Jeany1967]

Sorry, quite a bit of back story here...

Husband and I in the process of divorce (final financial hearing in October).

I moved out of the house a year ago as it was so toxic for myself and our children. We split custody 60/40 in my favour due to work commitments on both sides and MOST of the time it's worked well. He's very controlling and has on a few occasions refused to allow my parents to collect the children from him when he's known I am out for the evening (Christmas party, friend's 50th etc). I've had to then cancel my plans. I only mention this because he's now doing the same with the financial side of things.

Since moving out of the family home a year ago he hasn't given me any child maintenance. No financial help with childcare costs, school uniforms etc. I am paying to rent privately and have got myself into debt trying to do it on my own. Fast forward to last month and I finally applied to the CMS to try and get some help. They have contacted my ex husband and he has lost his head. Awful abusive messages to me stating that I am an awful mother and he can't wait for our boys to find out what I'm like, etc etc.
Fast forward another month and he has gotten his solicitor to write to me with what he's stating is a fair offer (50/50 on the house equity and he's claiming 50% of the difference in our pensions which works out about £3k once you minus the cost of actually getting the statements).

I'm due to speak to my solicitor soon but I'm not sure if there should be other things taken into consideration. I acquired the majority of my pension before we were married and have been on maternity leave and part time since marrying so would he be entitled 50% of all of it or just the amount I've acquired since marrying?
He got a promotion towards the end of last year and as part of that his employers are now contributing large amounts to his pension each month and his pension would have overtaken mine come the financial hearing in October but he is claiming that he has cancelled his pension contributions as well as he can't afford to live, meaning his employer is also not contributing and so the difference in pensions will be larger come the hearing.

Since I've applied for child maintenance and haven't given in to his demands for me to settle with him out of court, he has now stopped the direct debit for the mortgage. No call to the bank to try and negotiate a lower amount, just logged into the bank and stopped the direct debit. This will of course affect our ability to rent or buy going forward. He doesn't care about that as he has family who are willing to lend him money to pay off the mortgage, pay me my share and he has to pay them back a third of what I pay out on rent each month. He has the money already but won't pay off the mortgage before the divorce as he's worried I'll go for half the house value without it having a mortgage on it in the financial settlement (I've assured him I won't).

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and don't know what to do. I will need to rent or buy in the near future and the thought of being blacklisted is awful. I have contacted the lender and they have said that we can switch to an interest only plan for 6 months which will take us to the court date but seeing as he's stopped the direct debit it will be me footing the bill for this (putting on my credit card), as well as paying my own rent and going further into debt. The thing is is that even with the child maintenance payment to me and the interest only option it's less than what he's been paying for the mortgage so I know he can afford it but he's just trying to force me into accepting out of court.

I realise I am still on the mortgage and am liable for 50% of it but I pleaded with him to put the house on the market before I moved out for which he refused and said he could afford it alone. Now we're in this position and potentially he will be living in the home rent free for the next 6 months until we go to court, I will be further into debt and maybe blacklisted if I can't afford all the payments.

I'm just lost as to what to do. Can anyone advise me please?

I know it’s tough but if you do have a strong case and he is not being fair, I really think you should stand strong! You don’t have to have a barrister! I represented myself but spoke to a solicitor for 2-3 hours before 1st court case to help me prepare my case ready for the 1st hearing including asking for missing docs, details business records, all stuff that not fully disclosed in Form E. It would have been a complete nightmare and delayed everything by 6 months at least if I had to follow through. I am very grateful that it seemed to be enough for us to reach a compromise and settle.

Don’t sell yourself short! You’ve only got one chance at this so it needs to be fair to you and and the kids.

Thank you so much for all your helpful answers. I've spent all night tonight trying to do some research and I just can't find a straight answer.

I'm always worried that my solicitor is just telling me what I want to hear. She's telling me not to accept his offer but never truly gives me a definite answer as to why. Possibly because she wants me to go back for more advice. It's draining!

I've read so many posts about people representing themselves in court but then also read that you should always try and reach an agreement before the final court hearing because it can be very costly and stressful. I just don't know what to believe. I have absolutely nothing to hide and I truly believe he knows I'm entitled to more which is why he's made this decision to stop paying the mortgage.

Surely if I've spoken to the lender, I have his email saying he will cancel any interest only mortgage that I agree to because he wants me to settle out of course, surely they can just override him and let me pay it? Surely they have the power to do this.

I'd really hope he'd be accountable for at least half of any debt I get into for paying this. Seeing as he's the only one living there and has obviously done this to force me into accepting.

Thank you so much again, I really do appreciate the advice.

The final hearing sounds so stressful. I have absolutely nothing to hide but I'm just worried about 'fighting him'. What is it like? Do they just go through all assets, liabilities etc? Do we have to say what I want or do they decide what is fair for us?

Is there anyone in life that he listens to? Would any friends / family be able to get through to him what a complete jerk he is being?

He has very few friends and he's estranged from a lot of his family so no there's no one really. We've had the first custody and financial hearings where the judges have said their thoughts. He's come away from both hearings only hearing what he wants to hear so I doubt even if someone spoke to him he would listen. He's just so sure of himself and will be shocked that I'm not giving in to him.

My cousins bank were very good to her when this happened with her ex husband, and didn’t ruin her credit rating but she had to update them every two weeks on what was happening with the court case. Her ex husband was honestly on another planet, the judge ordered him to participate in mediation and he told the mediator that my cousin was trying to make him homeless - he had stopped paying the mortgage! Their house also had a self contained flat that it turned out he was renting out but hadn’t declared the rental income for so he got himself in trouble for that too. Unfortunately my cousin did end up with a large legal bill at the end of it all.

If he wants to put it up for a "quick sale" can't you use your dad's offer of money to buy him out at the reduced price? Play him at his own game.

I’ve reported the above post as spam.

I know him. He will not accept the offer. He will be shocked that I have the opportunity to possibly buy him out and will just not accept it. How can the court force him to sell it to me if we're not there until October?

He knows I will need to rent/possibly buy once I have my portion of the settlement so knows I can't have bad credit either. He is trying to control me like he's been doing with childcare since I moved out. It's all about control with him but surely the court will see this? The scary thing is is that he feels totally justified with his actions and doesn't see what he's doing is wrong.

We settled before it got to the hearings so I never had to do it.

You would 100% need to fully prepared and have clear, backed-up in law arguments. Did the judge give you an indication of the likely outcome if it went to final hearing? I thought they normally did that at the FDR.

Have you seen the form ES2? I would probably start by completing that based on what you know now. So use the completed Form Es and complete this Form. Basically, it shows sole and joint assets, liabilities, pensions and earnings.

You’ll need to start by putting house value (has it been valued?) less costs to sell / outstanding mortgage etc. Have you got this information? The balance of this will be your equity “pot”. You’ll then need to add all your personal / joint bank accounts / investments etc.

Then, all debt will be included. What is left, is your liquid assets available to split.

The starting position is always 50/50. But this can be deviated from if there is good reason I.e. to meet housing needs. I would definitely be saying you want to buy a new family home for you and the children. But he has to also be able to house himself too.

You would then need to add in pensions and the overall split needs to be 50/50. In my case, his pensions were x10 mine so I was able to offset a small bit of pension to towards enough £ to buy family home.

I have a completed form ES2 - if you want a copy, I can PM it to you. Obviously I’ll change all the details but just to give you a rough idea. I have a before and after settlement version as you’ll have to show the judge the current position and then what it will be after settlement, to make sure it is fair.

I would 100% phone the bank and explain that he is refusing to pay mortgage. They will then have to speak with both of you to find a solution. Your final court case is only in Oct so there will be a clear resolution for them then.

The other thing - I’d be careful saying you have extra money to house yourself. The judge might see this as you not needing as much equity because you already have money…. Just something to think about.

@Nimbus1999 last posts are the most relevant here.

I have dealt with a similar situation - as in an ex behaving in similar ways. It was horrendous. Our case took ages to get to court, in part because he did everything he could to be obstructive. There was no benefit to him finalising the divorce really so he was happy to delay. (In Ireland, so no CMS, he was barely paying maintenance & knew he'd have to pay something once we got to court).

As it's Ireland, our process is quite different so I can't comment on that but a few relevant points:

• when your solicitor etc talks about 'fighting', it's not really that you've to do something specifically, it's about knowing what your no 1 outcome should be, and being prepared to push, via your solicitor / barrister, for that, regardless of the other party's actions

• do not represent yourself. Especially in this situation you need legal representation, in Ireland you'd have a barrister in this context.

• it's not relevant now but may be to anyone else reading, but leaving the family home was a poor decision. I completely understand why you did. But unless there's no other option it's always better to stay, avoiding exactly the situation you are in

• regarding the house, the court can't order that he accept your offer (with your dad's money). They can order a sale, with the proceeds split in your favour. You need go check if you can take the mortgage over in your name (it'll be like a new mortgage) or if not, and if he accepts the lump sum you've available, it might be possible to have a legal arrangement where his name is still on the mortgage but you indemnify him, by paying the lump sum to secure his interest. (Common in Ireland, seems not to be so in the UK)

• I would be very wary of putting the mortgage payments on your credit card, you should discuss this with your solicitor, and ensure they have written to your ex about this. I would keep engaging with the bank. Is there anyway you could move in with a family member until the hearing, so that you could avoid rent & then afford the mortgage? You need to demonstrate to the bank, for the future, that you can meet the mortgage payments.

Regarding court, the key thing is to decide your top priority. I think that is securing stable accommodation for you and your DC. That may mean focusing on getting your offer re the house accepted, even if you've to accept something less ideal in other areas.

It's so tough. You have my sympathy. It nearly broke me - but it will end & then you have a basis to move on, and his control will be largely diminished. 💐

Can you use money from your Dad to pay the mortgage for the next 6 months without any change to interest only? It's the only option that exDH doesn't have any control over. Hopefully as he is the one living in the property you can get that back as part of the settlement. In terms of one buying the other out of selling to a third party - it's a joint asset so can't be a decision taken by one party. He can't force you to sell at a low price, he doesn't have to agree to allow you to buy him out but he can't stop you paying the mortgage so if your Dad is willing to lend you the money I would go with the option of maintaining/taking back as much control as possible.

Thank you for your reply.

I can use my dad's money to pay the full mortgage in the meantime but unless I know that at least his half will be paid back to be from the settlement, financially it might not be best for me and I may as well give in to him and accept his offer. I know that his offer is on the very low side, but I have read such conflicting stories about what I will be entitled to if we go to court I don't know if it's worth paying the whole mortgage, whilst he gets to stash that amount away each month, me pay my own rent elsewhere (over £1k) and him not be held accountable come the hearing in October. From what everyone says it's best to agree before the hearing anyway but he is just not someone who negotiates. I had to pay for every mediation appointment before I applied to court and the mediator stopped it because he just wouldn't negotiate and it was a waste of time.

I'd also like to add that he has access to the money his family have offered to allow him to buy me out but he won't use it until after the divorce has been finalised. So he has the money to use but won't.

I'd also like to add that he's claiming that he can't afford the mortgage because I've applied for CM. I've heard back from the CMS to say that the figure I thought he'd be paying me (and the figure he's quoting as saying he has to pay, which will mean he can't afford the mortgage) is too high and what he'll actually be paying me is around half. He's obviously spoken to the CMS and given them all his outgoings and they've calculated the payment he has to pay from those. I obviously understand this and if he can only afford the amount they are quoting then that is fine. But he's obviously used his outgoing figures that include the mortgage payment which he's now stopped saying he can't afford it because of the higher figure he has to pay. It's all such an awful situation to be in and I don't know which way to turn..

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

Bring solicitor's appointment forward. Discuss options with them. Be clear that you want to stand fairly firm on this - you are in a position to buy him out, he's not paying the mortgage and putting it at risk of repossession, you are the one caring for the children and having to pay for accommodation elsewhere with no financial support from him: you appear from the information available to have been pretty reasonable about it. I think fairly experienced counsel for this hearing is a good idea. I dare say that if this is an accurate representation of the overall position, the Judge is not likely to be terribly impressed by him sitting in the house, not paying for it and not paying for the upkeep of the children either. He's not making the strongest case for dad of the year here.

Make sure that for your solicitor's appointment that you if possible have your bank statements since you separated, the mortgage statement, something in writing from your Dad, your rent statement, and if relevant copies of any written communication between the two of you, and historic copies of your pension statements from the time that you married so it's evidenced how much had already accrued.

It may also be worth exploring whether you could get a small additional mortgage or loan if you need to raise a little more to buy him out. Also have evidence of the mediation payment etc - discuss with solicitor whether can include recouping half or all of these costs as part of the settlement if he's being unreasonable.

Even if mortgage company won't go interest only, I would make sure that the situation is recorded on their files. If you haven't already, could ask if solicitor is able to assist with a letter to them appealing the decision to refuse interest-only until the final hearing under the circumstances. He might want to think about asking his solicitor to do the same if he isn't paying it.

Thank you!

I know I need to be wary. He has the money from his family already as well but won't use it to pay the mortgage but instead will sit there whilst I pay the mortgage for the house that he's living in. Mind boggling!

If your Dad helps you out OP. Make this a proper loan that is written up specifically to cover the mortgage debt so you can add this to the joint debts for the financial order. If you have to incur debt to maintain a joint asset this will be taken into consideration

The only thing the judge said at the FDR was that the only thing that we have that is worth dividing is the house. I was quite annoyed with them actually. They kept saying that they deal with lots of parties who have millions and we shouldn't be arguing over £10k here or £10k there. I'm sorry, but £10k is a lot of money to both of us and I didn't find that useful or helpful at all.

They said that pensions probably wouldn't be taken into it either as the difference is very low (but ex is still deducting half of it in his offer to me claiming he's entitled to it).

Ex is obviously not including in his offer the fact that his salary is higher than mine (almost £10k a year so not huge), that I have the children the majority of the time, that he is still in the family home and has the ability to pay off the mortgage (and me) with his family's money and will be only paying them back a VERY small amount each month going forward. In terms of debts, mine are higher because I had to take out a loan and put a lot of things on my credit card to house myself and the children once I moved out as he wouldn't allow me to take anything with me. I think all this would possibly work against him in court. You'd think with all this in mind he'd realise he's in a fortunate situation and not rock the boat and just pay the mortgage but nope...

We have 3 valuations of the house and he of course is using the lowest to base his offer on. I find it strange that if he buys me out I will also have to pay half of the cost of sale. What happens if he never sells it?

We have completed all the forms needed and my solicitor has looked over them all. She's told me not to accept his offer but hasn't told me why or what I should be entitled to if we go to court. She's very vague and very difficult to get hold of. She's not really giving me straight answers and it actually takes her ages to get back to me, which is difficult at the moment because of all this going on. We have a deadline to inform the bank of our intention to switch to an interest only option but it takes forever to hear back from her. I could switch solicitors but I don't want to have to start all over again with someone new.

You said that pensions need to be put in as well as everything else and it will be split 50/50 (and then adjusted from there in terms of housing needs etc). He is offering me 50/50 equity and taking 50% of the difference in our pensions (mine is slightly higher although I've accumulated the majority of it before we were married. I've been on maternity leave and part time since we've been married). Is this what will happen? Or if he takes 50% of my pension will my share of the equity be increased slightly to take this into consideration) and we'll get 50/50 after EVERYTHING is taken into consideration?

A 50/50 split is the starting point, but it is by no means guaranteed that is what the courts will order. You can see the factors the courts take into account at Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 (legislation.gov.uk). If your solicitor recommends rejecting his offer, she thinks that the courts will order a split more in your favour. The fact that he is desperate to force you into accepting this offer before going to court suggests he also thinks the courts will order a split more in your favour.

Get an interest free credit card. If you can't cover the minimum payments, pay that with what your Dad is offering. Deal directly with the bank to pay the interest only payments every month. Then, in form E, list the debt. All debts and savings get put into the pot, so he'll essentially have to pay half in the end.

It sounds like you might need a better solicitor.

What do you mean about splitting the equity and not the value? I'm not clear. Do not let him shaft you and your children op.