Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Original poster

Ex husband refusing to pay mortgage

69 replies

Jeany1967 · 06/05/2024 23:52

Sorry, quite a bit of back story here...

Husband and I in the process of divorce (final financial hearing in October).

I moved out of the house a year ago as it was so toxic for myself and our children. We split custody 60/40 in my favour due to work commitments on both sides and MOST of the time it's worked well. He's very controlling and has on a few occasions refused to allow my parents to collect the children from him when he's known I am out for the evening (Christmas party, friend's 50th etc). I've had to then cancel my plans. I only mention this because he's now doing the same with the financial side of things.

Since moving out of the family home a year ago he hasn't given me any child maintenance. No financial help with childcare costs, school uniforms etc. I am paying to rent privately and have got myself into debt trying to do it on my own. Fast forward to last month and I finally applied to the CMS to try and get some help. They have contacted my ex husband and he has lost his head. Awful abusive messages to me stating that I am an awful mother and he can't wait for our boys to find out what I'm like, etc etc.
Fast forward another month and he has gotten his solicitor to write to me with what he's stating is a fair offer (50/50 on the house equity and he's claiming 50% of the difference in our pensions which works out about £3k once you minus the cost of actually getting the statements).

I'm due to speak to my solicitor soon but I'm not sure if there should be other things taken into consideration. I acquired the majority of my pension before we were married and have been on maternity leave and part time since marrying so would he be entitled 50% of all of it or just the amount I've acquired since marrying?
He got a promotion towards the end of last year and as part of that his employers are now contributing large amounts to his pension each month and his pension would have overtaken mine come the financial hearing in October but he is claiming that he has cancelled his pension contributions as well as he can't afford to live, meaning his employer is also not contributing and so the difference in pensions will be larger come the hearing.

Since I've applied for child maintenance and haven't given in to his demands for me to settle with him out of court, he has now stopped the direct debit for the mortgage. No call to the bank to try and negotiate a lower amount, just logged into the bank and stopped the direct debit. This will of course affect our ability to rent or buy going forward. He doesn't care about that as he has family who are willing to lend him money to pay off the mortgage, pay me my share and he has to pay them back a third of what I pay out on rent each month. He has the money already but won't pay off the mortgage before the divorce as he's worried I'll go for half the house value without it having a mortgage on it in the financial settlement (I've assured him I won't).

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and don't know what to do. I will need to rent or buy in the near future and the thought of being blacklisted is awful. I have contacted the lender and they have said that we can switch to an interest only plan for 6 months which will take us to the court date but seeing as he's stopped the direct debit it will be me footing the bill for this (putting on my credit card), as well as paying my own rent and going further into debt. The thing is is that even with the child maintenance payment to me and the interest only option it's less than what he's been paying for the mortgage so I know he can afford it but he's just trying to force me into accepting out of court.

I realise I am still on the mortgage and am liable for 50% of it but I pleaded with him to put the house on the market before I moved out for which he refused and said he could afford it alone. Now we're in this position and potentially he will be living in the home rent free for the next 6 months until we go to court, I will be further into debt and maybe blacklisted if I can't afford all the payments.

I'm just lost as to what to do. Can anyone advise me please?

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 07/05/2024 00:00

If I were in your position, I’d be moving straight back in! He’s a charmer isn't he?

Starlightstarbright3 · 07/05/2024 00:04

Bring your sols appointment forward. He is a prize nob

Answersunknown · 07/05/2024 00:23

See your solicitor, move back in, pay the interest only and claim it back at divorce court.
get all his silly moves in writing for the court.eg a text, why have you cancelled the direct debit? He either ignores it which doesn’t look good or replies….doesn’t look good

Original poster
Jeany1967 · 07/05/2024 07:35

Answersunknown · 07/05/2024 00:23

See your solicitor, move back in, pay the interest only and claim it back at divorce court.
get all his silly moves in writing for the court.eg a text, why have you cancelled the direct debit? He either ignores it which doesn’t look good or replies….doesn’t look good

Thank you everyone. Yes, he's not a very nice person I'm afraid.

He can not communicate with me face to face so fortunately everything he does is through text and messaging which I have obviously kept. The harassment has gotten so bad that I've spoken to the police who have said it is coercive control but because there's no threat of actual violence they can't do anything. To get abusive messages all the time is so tiring and awful it really wears you down and has an affect on you. Almost to the point where you're questioning yourself and if you've done wrong.

Moving back in isn't really an option. It would be so confusing for the boys and they are settled in my new place when they are with me. I was sleeping in with them or on a mattress on their bedroom floor towards the end so I think it would be utterly confusing for them.

In terms of claiming back the mortgage when we go to court I just don't think that'll be an option either. From what I've read it doesn't matter who pays the mortgage as we're both liable. It doesn't matter that I pleaded with him to sell before I moved out and that he refused and said he'd pay the mortgage alone, or that I'm paying my own rent elsewhere, I think the courts are so black and white that it'll be wiped off and I'll be in more debt. God knows what he's going to be doing with the extra £600 per month that he's not going to be using to pay the mortgage. He knows he has me up against the wall and is probably just waiting to wear me down and accept his offer.

OP posts:
rwalker · 07/05/2024 07:40

Ring the mortgage company ask for a mortgage holiday
then push solicitor to force sale or buy out

can’t stress enough speak to mortgage company they will be helpful

prh47bridge · 07/05/2024 08:00

Yes, you are both liable for the mortgage, but his behaviour can be taken into account in determining the financial split. His refusal to pay the mortgage may lead to you getting a bigger slice of the assets.

MrsMoastyToasty · 07/05/2024 08:03

Remind him that not paying the mortgage will affect his credit score and therefore his ability to borrow money in the future.

Myopicglass · 07/05/2024 08:06

I would get it in writing from a mortgage broker that with mortgage arrears you cannot get a mortgage for however long. Then get an illustration showing how much you can borrow and much the payment will be on a sub prime mortgage.

I have no idea if this would help with the settlement but it is something that you could give to the court to prove the impact it has on you financially.

aodirjjd · 07/05/2024 08:06

I know it’s unfair but can you afford to pay the interest only part of the mortgage?

I would do so, argue to bring anything forward you can and add it to your claim in the divorce. You might not get it back but it paints a picture for the judge as to his behaviour.

Original poster
Jeany1967 · 07/05/2024 09:45

rwalker · 07/05/2024 07:40

Ring the mortgage company ask for a mortgage holiday
then push solicitor to force sale or buy out

can’t stress enough speak to mortgage company they will be helpful

Thank you but we had a mortgage holiday a few years back during Covid. I've spoken to them and arranged to pay interest only in principle but the lovely man that I dealt with said that he must warn me that my husband could cancel that if he wants to as his name is on the mortgage as well obviously. At that point I'm not sure what I'd do. I'm not sure if he'd be happy that I'm paying for him to live there or whether he'd cancel it to force me into accepting his offer.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jeany1967 · 07/05/2024 09:48

MrsMoastyToasty · 07/05/2024 08:03

Remind him that not paying the mortgage will affect his credit score and therefore his ability to borrow money in the future.

I think it affects your credit rating for 6 years? (I could be wrong) so he doesn't care if he's planning on buying me out with his mum's money. He won't need to rent or buy anywhere as he'll be mortgage free in the house with only a small amount to pay her back each month. He knows that it will only affect me and my inability to rent or buy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jeany1967 · 07/05/2024 09:50

aodirjjd · 07/05/2024 08:06

I know it’s unfair but can you afford to pay the interest only part of the mortgage?

I would do so, argue to bring anything forward you can and add it to your claim in the divorce. You might not get it back but it paints a picture for the judge as to his behaviour.

I can only afford it by putting it on my credit card which will result in extra interest as well.

What he doesn't understand (or maybe he does and doesn't care) is that his behaviour will affect where I can rent with his children.

OP posts:
MrsMoastyToasty · 07/05/2024 10:35

It might be worth ringing the mortgage company and letting them know that there's a marital dispute, just in case he uses the property as security for other borrowing/2nd mortgage types of things.

aodirjjd · 07/05/2024 10:49

I would count that as not being able to afford it. What a rubbish position. what’s his end plan here? Surely the bank will force a sale of the house if neither of you pay the mortgage? Can you play him at his own game of chicken here?

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 07/05/2024 11:06

Jeany1967 · 07/05/2024 07:35

Thank you everyone. Yes, he's not a very nice person I'm afraid.

He can not communicate with me face to face so fortunately everything he does is through text and messaging which I have obviously kept. The harassment has gotten so bad that I've spoken to the police who have said it is coercive control but because there's no threat of actual violence they can't do anything. To get abusive messages all the time is so tiring and awful it really wears you down and has an affect on you. Almost to the point where you're questioning yourself and if you've done wrong.

Moving back in isn't really an option. It would be so confusing for the boys and they are settled in my new place when they are with me. I was sleeping in with them or on a mattress on their bedroom floor towards the end so I think it would be utterly confusing for them.

In terms of claiming back the mortgage when we go to court I just don't think that'll be an option either. From what I've read it doesn't matter who pays the mortgage as we're both liable. It doesn't matter that I pleaded with him to sell before I moved out and that he refused and said he'd pay the mortgage alone, or that I'm paying my own rent elsewhere, I think the courts are so black and white that it'll be wiped off and I'll be in more debt. God knows what he's going to be doing with the extra £600 per month that he's not going to be using to pay the mortgage. He knows he has me up against the wall and is probably just waiting to wear me down and accept his offer.

Show quote history

You might be able to include the debt as marital debt since it was used to pay for a joint asset you're not benefiting from. You might be able to claim occupational rent through the court. https://lawhive.co.uk/knowledge-hub/property/occupational-rent-a-guide-for-separating-homeowners/

Nimbus1999 · 07/05/2024 22:23

What an awful situation. Definitely take the mortgage company up on the 6 months interest free, it won’t impact your credit and will see you through to the final hearing. I don’t think he can stop it.

You are jointly liable so if he doesn’t pay it falls on you, keep detailed records and present it to the judge at the final hearing and try to argue to claim it back from the equity. It’s not fair that you’re paying your rent and his mortgage whilst he pays nothing. Any judge will see that.

Original poster
Jeany1967 · 07/05/2024 22:58

MrsMoastyToasty · 07/05/2024 10:35

It might be worth ringing the mortgage company and letting them know that there's a marital dispute, just in case he uses the property as security for other borrowing/2nd mortgage types of things.

I spoke to a lovely man last week and explained everything. He was so friendly and helpful but essentially they just want their money

OP posts:
Original poster
Jeany1967 · 07/05/2024 23:08

aodirjjd · 07/05/2024 10:49

I would count that as not being able to afford it. What a rubbish position. what’s his end plan here? Surely the bank will force a sale of the house if neither of you pay the mortgage? Can you play him at his own game of chicken here?

His aim is to get me to accept his offer before we go to court in October which just rings alarm bells to me and by stopping the direct debit for the mortgage (without even contacting the lender to try and negotiate a lower amount) just proves to me he's trying to control me and force me into accepting.

He essentially wants to use the money his Mum has lent him to pay off the mortgage and buy me out but he doesn't want to do that before the final court hearing because he thinks I will go for half of the house value (instead of just the equity) - I've assured him I won't. He has said that he can't afford to pay the mortgage so they will have to put it up for sale and accept a low quick sale offer which will give me even less than he is offering me at the moment. He really doesn't want to sell it though, I know that for sure. Why would he if he has money to pay off the mortgage? He has his mum's money but won't use it to pay the mortgage he claims he can't afford each month. It's coercive control (this time financial) but he's been doing it since we separated so I'm used to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jeany1967 · 07/05/2024 23:08

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 07/05/2024 11:06

You might be able to include the debt as marital debt since it was used to pay for a joint asset you're not benefiting from. You might be able to claim occupational rent through the court. https://lawhive.co.uk/knowledge-hub/property/occupational-rent-a-guide-for-separating-homeowners/

Show quote history

Thank you! I'll look into this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jeany1967 · 10/05/2024 10:20

A bit of an update...
My Dad has offered to lend me the money to buy my husband out. What happens in this instance? Does anyone know?

What happens if he's refusing to pay the mortgage (claiming he can't afford it) to force me to accept his out of court offer but then I am in a situation to take over the mortgage and buy him out?

If he can't afford to pay the mortgage surely the court will say he has to either let me buy him out (which I know he will object to) or put the house on the market?

OP posts:
Nimbus1999 · 10/05/2024 10:51

Try to make him agree and if he doesn’t, you’ll have to raise in court and get the judge to agree? Is it your final hearing in Oct? I’d really not let the mortgage default in the meanwhile.

Original poster
Jeany1967 · 10/05/2024 11:09

Nimbus1999 · 10/05/2024 10:51

Try to make him agree and if he doesn’t, you’ll have to raise in court and get the judge to agree? Is it your final hearing in Oct? I’d really not let the mortgage default in the meanwhile.

He will not agree to me buying him out at all! But then will refuse to pay the mortgage even though he's the only one living there.

I've had more messages from him this morning saying he is NOT interested in an interest only mortgage for 6 months and if I don't accept (his very fair offer) then they will have to put it up for a quick sale.

It's our final court hearing in October but I am scared. I spoke to the law clinic yesterday and they implied that I will have to spend lots of money for my solicitor/barrister to argue my points in court. Says it's a very long and hard day and it's draining. She also said that hearing what my ex is like he will grind me down. She said I would be entitled to more than he's offering but I just don't know if I can sit across from him and fight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jeany1967 · 10/05/2024 12:07

I really don't know what I can do. I'm paying rent elsewhere (a 3rd more than he's paying for the mortgage), he's saying he can't afford to pay the mortgage and will not agree to interest only for 6 months. I would (with the help of credit cards) be able to cover the interest only amount but to cover the whole mortgage whilst paying my own rent elsewhere would put me hideously in debt.

I can't even cover the interest only as he won't agree to it (lender said both names have to agree). He has me and he knows he does.

OP posts:
Nimbus1999 · 10/05/2024 12:23

That’s totally rubbish, I’m so sorry. Perhaps a sale is the best way though but definitely don’t agree to anything % split until you’re happy / had your final court hearing. If you haven’t agreed, the sale proceeds will be held by the solicitor until the financial order is granted (so he won’t be able to spend it).

If he doesn’t pay the mortgage, he will have to answer to the mortgage company (and you) as both jointly liable. I wonder if in the circumstances, they will insist on interest only? I mean, if he is not paying, the bank is going to do something.

If you think his offer is not fair, stand firm and do not let him bully you! Let the mortgage company deal with it - he will have to answer to them.

I really don’t know how this will impact your credit but I wonder if mortgage companies are a bit more understanding in divorce circumstances (especially if you don’t live there).

I was in a similar situation and I phoned the bank to explain what was happening and they were going to get someone to contact us both to go through income / expenses.

Funnily, my ex paid swiftly before this happened.

Good luck!

Nimbus1999 · 10/05/2024 12:24

Any debt you get in will be paid from the joint equity (if there is enough) but it’s still not a great situation. The “pot” will be distributed after debt. So your debt will impact him also So he doesn’t totally get away with it.