Relocating within Scotland with children

[sheisme]

I met an amazing man last May. He doesn’t live in the same place as me. We want to live together but my ex doesn’t want me to move with our children. I’m not divorced from him yet but it’s almost done. I asked my solicitor if he can stop me moving and she said he can get a court order and if he does then I will not be able to move until the court decides if it’s in the best interests of the children to move. She did say I could just go and hope he doesn’t argue against it but I don’t know if I should risk that.

I want to add a bit of info on each household/situation.

I’d be moving into my partners house that he owns. He has a good job and job security. He can’t move to my area as he would not get a similar job and doesn’t want to take a huge loss in earnings. I would work part time, although he says I don’t have to. I can do my job anywhere.

My ex doesn’t work at the moment. Never sticks at a job long enough to progress and better himself. Is technically homeless. He smokes weed daily. He hasn’t wanted to have the children regularly until recently, well until his partner announced she is pregnant and they need/want a bigger house. Baby is due soon.

My solicitor says the main concerns for the children will be proving that they will have a better quality of life in the new area and that the education is going to be better. This is my main worry as the schools aren’t better than where I am. There’s also less to do there as the community doesn’t get as much money thrown into it as the place I currently live does. The new area would make it much easier to access other places though, for weekends away etc.

Has anyone been in a similar situation. How am I meant to decide what to do?

I’m also wondering if being married to my partner would make any difference in regards to the court thinking living with him is the best option.

I think moving your children away from their father to move in with a new boyfriend of less than a year is a bad move, and is more about your interests than theirs.

If it's not a better area for them to live in, and it would impede them having a proper relationship with their dad for the sake of fulfilling your wish to live with your boyfriend I think it's worth thinking long and hard about whether you can justify doing it.
Children deserve the opportunity to have relationships with both parents (assuming no abuse etc) and that has to come before your wants/ your new boyfriend.

How far away are we talking. Glasgow to Aberdeen or Glasgow to Sterling?

It will be more than a year by the time I move. The children miss him too. My 5yr old especially cries a lot as he wants to see him all the time.
When I say the schools aren’t better it’s the attainment levels which are lower. It’s not a bad area or anything like that. Thanks for the input though. It’s not an easy decision to make at all.

I’m currently on a Scottish island and would be going to the mainland. It’s a 1h 30m boat crossing which goes across and back 2 times per day most of the year and 3 in the summer months. Once off the boat it’s not even a 5 minute drive. My ex would see the children just as much as he does now.

I could add so much more information on why he’s not a good influence for the children but I am worried it will be obvious who I am (to anyone local who reads this) because of where I live. And the choices he has made have made him well discussed within the community 😬

Also I could add a lot of reasons why my partner is a good person. Things he is involved with in the community where he lives, but that would also make it obvious and it’s a small town he lives in.

It's all in Scotland I don't see a problem he can get on a boat to see his kids

It just seems too quick - you are going through a divorce so whatever you think you are emotionally vulnerable - and if your friends and family are on the island you are moving away from emotional support and the viability of people who know and love you

I would say yes you could move - but not in with the new guy just yet

The ferries are also not always reliable are they ?

In that case I think a judge would rule in your favour. Obviously with a new sibling it wouldn't be considered in their best interest to move and them see less of their dad.

The ferries are cancelled on the odd occasion but not terribly often.

I don’t have much family left here. My dad is really the only one. My ex’s family are from England so none of them are here either.

You’re right. I am emotionally vulnerable. My ex was emotionally abusive, I think he’s a narcissist.

My new partner is very switched on emotionally. He communicates very effectively. He has his life together and respects me so much. No love bombing etc before anyone suggests that. He’s just a decent person who never lets me down. When he says he will do something he does it. When he says he will see me he does. The amount of things he has done for me already shows that nothing is too difficult for him and he remains calm in stressful situations. It’s such a change to have someone like him rather than my ex who would get angry over nothing, not communicate, blame everything on me etc. He still tries to control me now.

My ex cheated on me with a girl who was barely legal. He’s mid 40s. The things he has done to me are unbelievable really. I have had people ask if my own daughter is safe around him as they judge this as grooming. It’s not a nice thing to have people suggest. I honestly couldn’t believe it when the rumour came out, I couldn’t even comprehend the idea that he would have sex with someone so young. The truth came out and he did do all that was said. In some ways I think my kids would be better off without him in their lives but I will not stop them having a relationship with him.

Apart from anything else this plan leaves you really vulnerable. Living in the home of this man, who you've been with less than a year, working part-time (or not at all). What happens if he kicks you out down the line? You shouldn't be this financially vulnerable.

Move closer to him by all means but you seem far too vulnerable to move in with him right now.

The distance, location and moving away is the red herring here. The question you need to ask yourself is why less than a year from meeting him you think it's a good idea to uproot your children from their lives? If you want to move to the mainland and rent a place for your children then that is understandable, a fresh start, it's moving in with your boyfriend that's the issue

Please don't move your children in with a man you barely know its irresponsible and if your ex objects then he is well within his rights.

It will have been more than a year by the time I move. I’m talking August at the earliest so that will be 15 months. I understand that’s still a short period of time but we are both in our 40s and know what we want. Believe me, I have been on constant alert looking out for red flags and there’s been none. His family are lovely, his friends are all good people. I think that says a lot about someone. He has always supported his own children who are grown up now, gets on with his ex as he respects her. If he was showing me any reason not to trust him then I obviously wouldn’t choose to go.

Please move to the mainland with your DC but into your own home (for now).

If it doesn't impact on contact with their Dad and contact could be increased I don't think a prohibitive steps would be issued as it's from island to mainland but there is no guarantee that you couldn't be ordered back.

Ah I've read your ex isn't the best either but still you barely know this man I'm assuming he visits at the weekend or whenever can't you move near him instead ?

The timing for school is the main reason. Yes I could wait another year but by that point one of my children would be starting a secondary school in a brand new area. My middle child it wouldn’t matter too much as they are half way through primary. The youngest would start primary one here and then need to be uprooted. It just seemed like this year, sometime before Christmas, would work out better for them.

Yes we go back and forth between houses. Holidays etc we stay with him for those. Well the kids do half of each holiday and the other half with their dad. He comes here every weekend that he can but he does have some commitments within his local community that prevents him some weekends.

I know he is safe to be around children as he has strict security checks for his work and also for a group that he volunteers with that involves training children. He is pvg checked etc. I have also done a police check and nothing sinister came back.

Why can't he move to yours why do you and the kids need to uproot ?

X

His work. He earns a decent salary. He has job security. He cannot get a similar job here that pays anywhere near as much. I know money isn’t a deciding factor but at his age he feels giving up that job would be silly. He could come here and get just any job but would probably cut his earnings by 2/3rds. We could take my children on holidays and they can do things I cannot afford on my own.

He owns his house so would have to think about selling it and that’s hassle in itself. Houses are more expensive here and he wouldn’t want to rent as that’s wasted money. He has said that if it comes down to it and I can’t leave then he will come here but it’s a last resort, and I agree. I want a fresh start away from all the negativity of my ex. I’m embarrassed at his situation of him being with such a young girl and she’s pregnant now. It’s disgusting.

It does sound grim living near your ex and his young girlfriend. When will your divorce me finalised ? You might get have a better chance of moving without objection if you are divorced.

I don't think starting 1st year would be too bad for your eldest it might be better than starting a new p7 but I can see why you want to move but moving in with him might not be for the best either.

Hopefully it will be finalised very soon. I signed an affidavit recently that’s going to the court for them to declare it as final. The court have been quick at all other stages so far.

It’s all mixed up in my head. If my children were adamant they didn’t want to go then it would sway my decision but 2 of them are quite keen to move. The other is too young to know really.

I’ll just keep going over the options in my head and hopefully be able to decide for the best.

I have voiced my concerns about leaving my house etc and if anything happened I would be screwed. My partner said he wouldn’t throw me out if it came to that and I believe it. His ex said he has always been amicable and respected her decisions, even when he didn’t agree with some of them. He’s not the type to be nasty and I don’t think he’d leave me stranded.

Could you afford to rent near him even for 6 months the older kids sound like they are done living where you are and a move would be fine, for them and the little one would just tag along. How far-away from the ferry would dad need to travel to see the kids

Starting with an aside - I’d say starting as a new first year would arguably be better than going into an established P7 class tbh. Everyone will be new to one another, so your eldest child will be just one more new face.

Given that you’re vulnerable and exiting an abusive marriage to a waste of space, I can see why the reliable and resourceful new man seems like a really appealing prospect. And I think given the relatively small distance, your exes past conduct and the life you can offer your kids with a fresh start away from their dad’s local infamy, you’d have a good chance a court would rule in your favour.
Additionally if your ex hasn’t a pot to piss in he may well not be in a position to fight very long or hard.

However, I would really urge you to be careful taking a family of children to live with a man you don’t know that well.

I get you’re saying he’s a decent fella and on the face of it he seems that way. But you’re putting a lot of trust in a relative stranger, and potentially your kids’ safety at risk. Every woman who’s ended up with an abuser knows they don’t start out that way, right?

If I was in your shoes I’d make sure I was independent, have him as your boyfriend by all means, still go on holiday and live a nice life with him, but until I’d been together a lot longer, I’d keep a door I can close and enough money that if the relationship doesn’t work out, I wouldn’t find myself up shit creek without a paddle.

I don’t know if there are knights in shining armour anywhere except in storybooks, nice as it would be to believe so. If he’s a decent man he will totally understand you putting your kids’ well-being first. I actually see him saying ‘live with me, bring your kids, you don’t even need to work’ as a red flag - it’s a well known route to control
and I’ve seen guys do this then change their minds when the shine goes off the apple.

Possibly but it would be a lot harder for me.

Their dad needs to drive 20 mins, on the island, to get to the ferry. I could easily drop them off to him at the ferry terminal.