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Relocating within Scotland with children

31 replies

sheisme · 19/04/2024 23:50

I met an amazing man last May. He doesn’t live in the same place as me. We want to live together but my ex doesn’t want me to move with our children. I’m not divorced from him yet but it’s almost done. I asked my solicitor if he can stop me moving and she said he can get a court order and if he does then I will not be able to move until the court decides if it’s in the best interests of the children to move. She did say I could just go and hope he doesn’t argue against it but I don’t know if I should risk that.

I want to add a bit of info on each household/situation.

I’d be moving into my partners house that he owns. He has a good job and job security. He can’t move to my area as he would not get a similar job and doesn’t want to take a huge loss in earnings. I would work part time, although he says I don’t have to. I can do my job anywhere.

My ex doesn’t work at the moment. Never sticks at a job long enough to progress and better himself. Is technically homeless. He smokes weed daily. He hasn’t wanted to have the children regularly until recently, well until his partner announced she is pregnant and they need/want a bigger house. Baby is due soon.

My solicitor says the main concerns for the children will be proving that they will have a better quality of life in the new area and that the education is going to be better. This is my main worry as the schools aren’t better than where I am. There’s also less to do there as the community doesn’t get as much money thrown into it as the place I currently live does. The new area would make it much easier to access other places though, for weekends away etc.

Has anyone been in a similar situation. How am I meant to decide what to do?

I’m also wondering if being married to my partner would make any difference in regards to the court thinking living with him is the best option.

OP posts:
sheisme · 20/04/2024 11:26

desperatedaysareover · 20/04/2024 11:17

Starting with an aside - I’d say starting as a new first year would arguably be better than going into an established P7 class tbh. Everyone will be new to one another, so your eldest child will be just one more new face.

Given that you’re vulnerable and exiting an abusive marriage to a waste of space, I can see why the reliable and resourceful new man seems like a really appealing prospect. And I think given the relatively small distance, your exes past conduct and the life you can offer your kids with a fresh start away from their dad’s local infamy, you’d have a good chance a court would rule in your favour.
Additionally if your ex hasn’t a pot to piss in he may well not be in a position to fight very long or hard.

However, I would really urge you to be careful taking a family of children to live with a man you don’t know that well.

I get you’re saying he’s a decent fella and on the face of it he seems that way. But you’re putting a lot of trust in a relative stranger, and potentially your kids’ safety at risk. Every woman who’s ended up with an abuser knows they don’t start out that way, right?

If I was in your shoes I’d make sure I was independent, have him as your boyfriend by all means, still go on holiday and live a nice life with him, but until I’d been together a lot longer, I’d keep a door I can close and enough money that if the relationship doesn’t work out, I wouldn’t find myself up shit creek without a paddle.

I don’t know if there are knights in shining armour anywhere except in storybooks, nice as it would be to believe so. If he’s a decent man he will totally understand you putting your kids’ well-being first. I actually see him saying ‘live with me, bring your kids, you don’t even need to work’ as a red flag - it’s a well known route to control
and I’ve seen guys do this then change their minds when the shine goes off the apple.

Edited

Yes, that does seem like it could potentially be a red flag. He hasn’t said it in that way. It was more that I said I would want to work and he said that’s fine with him. He suggested I didn’t start working until the children are settled at new school etc but that we can easily afford to live off just his earnings. He is not pushy about me coming there, he doesn’t try and pressure me. He obviously says he’d like it if we could see each other every day but he understands he has to wait and he assures me he will wait as long as it takes. The decision is mine and he respects that.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/04/2024 11:27

I really think it's important that you live near the new man for a while in your own property.

Means you could sooner tbh.

Long term if it doesn't work out then the mainland sounds like the better option anyway. Sooner you go the DC can make friends in their new schools etc.

sheisme · 20/04/2024 11:31

RandomMess · 20/04/2024 11:27

I really think it's important that you live near the new man for a while in your own property.

Means you could sooner tbh.

Long term if it doesn't work out then the mainland sounds like the better option anyway. Sooner you go the DC can make friends in their new schools etc.

Thank you. I’ll definitely start looking into this option.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/04/2024 11:38

It also means you aren't "just" moving for a new relationship, rather you are going for better opportunities for you for work and for the DC future.

CombatBarbie · 20/04/2024 11:54

newyearsresolurion · 20/04/2024 09:33

It's all in Scotland I don't see a problem he can get on a boat to see his kids

OK just to give a bit of perspective. Say op is Orkney and moves to Glasgow (I know she's not, but your statement suggests Scotland is a small place.)That's the ferry plus a 7hr drive one way!!

And by MN standards the parent who moves away should do the lions share of travelling for contact.

AllEars112232 · 20/04/2024 18:06

ConflictedCheetah · 20/04/2024 10:26

Apart from anything else this plan leaves you really vulnerable. Living in the home of this man, who you've been with less than a year, working part-time (or not at all). What happens if he kicks you out down the line? You shouldn't be this financially vulnerable.

Move closer to him by all means but you seem far too vulnerable to move in with him right now.

@sheisme Please read this, Cheetah makes such an important point.
Become financially independent before you even contemplate moving in with another man!!

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