Advice regarding child access procedure please

[Napsareawesome]

A bit of background- I have a son and my partner has two boys by his ex wife and a son and daughter from his last ex partner. He has contact with the two boys but his ex partner stopped him seeing his youngest son and daughter when they separated over 2 years ago. After repeated attempts to see them being refused, we are now in a position to go down the legal route to gaining access.

Mediation will be the first step which we fully expect the mother to refuse.

I need some advice regarding what would put us in the best position to facilitate this. Currently we live together in a small rented property in my name only as he moved into the place i was already living. I am a SAHM as my son has SEN and only attends school part time, so I have agreed that if he wants to try for full custody we can officially move in together and I will take on childcare etc. Should we be getting a bigger house together so we have room for all the kids - will this make us look more favourable? What else can we do to help swing things in our favour if the ex makes it hard? We both work in skilled professions (although I'm very part time), and already have kids in our lives. Any of you got any advice please?

I don't think you would have any chance of full custody if you have no bedrooms for them all.

How small is your house- what are the bedroom arrangements at the moment

We're only in a two bedroom at the moment, the older two kids sleep on a sofa and a fold out bed on the weekends they're here and my son has his own room as he's always here.

Obviously this isnt suitable if access is granted to the youngest two, but I'm wondering if we'd be better off trying to get a bigger place now or waiting to see what happens with the access discussions.

So he’s not seen his children for 2 years and is now going to try for full custody? This is nothing to do with you, “we are in a position”, no HE is in a position to go down a legal route. If I was their mother I’d be getting myself a shit hot solicitor tbh. Over my dead body would a new parter be trying to parent or care for my children especially after the father not seeing them for 2 years.

Why are you talking about full custody? And why would you offer to care for his kids? Why do you think it would be good for the kids to move from their mum to you full time and why would you put yourself in the position of facilitating this when you have your own DC to consider?

Assuming that the ex didn’t have good reason to stop contact 2 years ago, is she actually a good mum? Going for full custody rather than 50% is a very combative move and I can’t see the kids being punished by the courts.
Is it possible that lack of bed is why she stopped contact?

Wow there are some judgemental people on here!

She stopped him seeing them, it's not like he hasn't been trying. He left the relationship after she sold his car to fund her drug habit that had been going on without his knowledge as he worked away during the week. She moved and now he doesn't know where they are. All he has is her phone number. And he's been paying through the CSA since they separated.

The full custody thing was going to be a threat hoping she'd let him have some weekend access rather than have to fight a lengthy court battle which is no good for anybody including the kids.

So unless you've got something useful to say that actually answers my question, could you kindly please keep your opinions to yourselves.

Do you live close enough to mum to make 50/50 possible ?

Also, I've offered to do this to support him. Like you do when you're in a relationship. Because no father deserves not to see his kids.

If you had full custody then how much would he actually see the kids ? It sounds like he is using you to punish the ex and kids. Contact is for the kids to see dad.

If we had full custody he'd see them every day. He doesn't work away any more.

He is of course absolutely entitled to go to court to see his children, but I really would advise him not to start out trying to go for a transfer of primary residence (full custody isn’t a legal term) as it won’t make him look reasonable or child-focussed, unless he has clear evidence that the children are at risk (but if that’s the case, I’d wonder why he’d left it so long)

The full custody thing was going to be a threat

Wow, that’s a disgusting threat. Don’t make threats you can’t back up…. I’m horrified you’re going along with this tbh.

@TheFireflies thank you. I've got no experience with any of this, I had a civil split with my ex husband and we agreed access between us. So would you say going for 50/50 is the option most likely to be considered?

Nobody has been giving you unwarranted opinions, just asking questions to clarify. Using 'full custody' as a threat is stupid and likely to backfire, so don't do that. Courts and judges have seen it ALL before and they really don't like game playing.
Think carefully before you commit yourself to caring for his kids. He should be asking for the contact that he can manage on his schedule, not relying on you to provide care. If you attempted to present that to the court as a plan you would not be successful.

@ElloiseMcTavish where did I say we couldn't back it up? A threat as in if you don't allow access he'll go for full custody. He just wants access to his kids. This whole site is full of threads about mothers fighting fathers for access, how is it any less acceptable for fathers to fight too?

If 50/50 is practical (distance etc) then it would be more realistic to say that you would like an order which aims for equal shared care but that he recognises that it would need to be a gradual increase given he has not seen them for such a long time now. He mightn’t get 50/50 if the court determines it’s not in the children’s best interests, but you can still have a shared “lives with” order no matter the exact split of time.

I suggest getting legal advice first. This is your boyfriends issue not yours why are you getting so involved? As a I said what a disgusting threat and I personally wouldn’t be part of that, then again, I wouldn’t be with a man who has 4 children to two separate ex partners who doesn’t see 2 of them. Red flag right there. You don’t even know these children and you’re already offering to care for them for goodness sake. Give yourself a shake.

Do you even know where the kids are living? How would you propose that 50/50 would work? Also, again, is it likely to be good for the kids to go from no contact to half the time with their dad? No matter the reasons why she stopped contact, the children's needs will be primary, not what the dad thinks is fair.

So, youre a SAHM with a child with SEN who attends school part time. But you also work part time. You live in a 2 bed house, your boyfriend has moved in. Now he wants his children that he's not seen for 2 years to live with you all. You say he didn't know where she lived, so how has he got in touch with her?

Of course he should be fighting to see his children, but he's 2 years too late! Unless there is a valid reason why he shouldn't have had contact with them he could have kept in touch with them 2 years ago.

He won’t get 50/50 custody for a long time. He might get a couple of hours a week to start off, probably supervised.

@ElloiseMcTavish I'm getting involved because I want to help him. I thought that the wealth of knowledge of the people on here might lead to some sensible advice before he pays to go and see a family lawyer. Then it's not wasting time asking stupid questions and can get straight to the important stuff. I don't understand how a man getting screwed over by a woman is a red flag but there you go. Believe it or not, its not always men who are the arsehole. But thanks for your input. I'll take your comments into consideration.

Even if he did get 50/50, it would be in the children's best interests that it is a long way down the line. A father they don't really know, two half siblings they have nothing to do with, a random child and a strange woman - that's a very scary amount of change for children. Would your bf have suggested pursuing this himself or is it being driven by you? If you two split up, would he decide he isn't going to see them anymore (particularly as he would have to sort out his own living and child care arrangements)?

I believe you - I have no reason to doubt that she is in the wrong. However the questions are why YOU are getting so involved, why you're offering to help raise kids you've never met?! It's way too much, it is likely to impact on your own child in a negative way and it's not your responsibility. Just because you're in a relationship with him doesn't make this your responsibility or problem. Many men only seek contact/residence with their kids when they have a woman at home who will do the work. Not saying this is your man - but ask yourself the question!

But op this isn't about what's fair to him, it's about what's fair to the kids. If you go to court making demands for full custody immediately after 2 years no contact regardless of the reasons you will look barmy!! The courts will rightly judge him for leaving the kids with a known drug user (if that is a claim he makes) without trying to protect them before now.

Go to court, ask for supervised contact with a plan to gradually increase to 50/50. Anything else will look unreasonable.

Besides all of the above, I would be sceptical about the story he is telling you, it's only his side and it's in his interest to make him self look good to you. It might well be true but how many stories have we read on hear about women being demonised by their ex to the new partner.

Protect yourself financially and make sure he pays his way so it isn't you taking on all his shit work for no gain yourself.

He has been trying to see them since the separation. But when the mother blocks you on everything and moves house, what else do you suggest?
He is aware that this is a long process, will have to be a gradual introduction and all of that stuff.
He's just got some compensation from a work injury and is only now in a position financially to pursue this.
I'm not pushing this process, I'm just asking for advice about how to make it as likely as possible for him. The siblings do all know each other and had contact before the separation. And as for why I'm offering to care for his children - he's taken on my son so I don't see how it's any different. Just because they're not my children biologically does that mean I'm not supposed to care about them and not do anything to facilitate their relationship with their father?

He'd have to ask for gradually built up regular access with a view to 50/50 shared care eventually. That way he's going in fair and acknowledging the amount of time that has lapsed since he was involved in their lives.