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Original poster

Advice regarding child access procedure please

37 replies

Napsareawesome · 13/04/2024 16:38

A bit of background- I have a son and my partner has two boys by his ex wife and a son and daughter from his last ex partner. He has contact with the two boys but his ex partner stopped him seeing his youngest son and daughter when they separated over 2 years ago. After repeated attempts to see them being refused, we are now in a position to go down the legal route to gaining access.

Mediation will be the first step which we fully expect the mother to refuse.

I need some advice regarding what would put us in the best position to facilitate this. Currently we live together in a small rented property in my name only as he moved into the place i was already living. I am a SAHM as my son has SEN and only attends school part time, so I have agreed that if he wants to try for full custody we can officially move in together and I will take on childcare etc. Should we be getting a bigger house together so we have room for all the kids - will this make us look more favourable? What else can we do to help swing things in our favour if the ex makes it hard? We both work in skilled professions (although I'm very part time), and already have kids in our lives. Any of you got any advice please?

OP posts:
ElloiseMcTavish · 13/04/2024 17:35

Napsareawesome · 13/04/2024 17:31

He has been trying to see them since the separation. But when the mother blocks you on everything and moves house, what else do you suggest?
He is aware that this is a long process, will have to be a gradual introduction and all of that stuff.
He's just got some compensation from a work injury and is only now in a position financially to pursue this.
I'm not pushing this process, I'm just asking for advice about how to make it as likely as possible for him. The siblings do all know each other and had contact before the separation. And as for why I'm offering to care for his children - he's taken on my son so I don't see how it's any different. Just because they're not my children biologically does that mean I'm not supposed to care about them and not do anything to facilitate their relationship with their father?

You don’t know the children though! Why are you offering to look after children who don’t know you? Why do you think it’s a good idea wanting full residency when he hasn’t seen them for 2 years? This is what you said in your initial post.

Twofifty · 13/04/2024 17:38

What reasons could there be for his ex to move house and cut contact? What reasons could there be for him to move in with you? I would be looking closely at all the motivations here.

Doyoumind · 13/04/2024 17:39

How can it take 2 years to get around to making an effort to see his children? Would you give up and wait 2 years if your ex wouldn't return your DS?

He could have started the legal process as soon as she said no to contact. Or was he waiting until he had someone to do the childcare?

The best option is to ask for the least contact and plan to increase, not to say you'll take the DC off her if she doesn't agree. Even if she were found to be an entirely unsuitable drug addicted mother, I can't see a scenario where the DC would end up with you full time immediately. Courts consider what's best for the child, not the parent.

I think you're being incredibly naive.

Original poster
Napsareawesome · 13/04/2024 17:43

@ElloiseMcTavish no I don't know them. But I didn't know his older two either before I met them, and he didnt know my son. It's not like I'm offering to become their mother, but if looking after them for a couple of hours every day when I'm at home anyway facilitates them having their father in their life then why not?
I can't believe I'm spending time justifying myself to a stranger. I don't care what you think about what my reasons are for doing this. Helping him see his kids is the right thing in my book. So thank you but I'm done.

OP posts:
titchy · 13/04/2024 17:48

But you're not suggesting you have them for a couple of hours in the day - you're suggesting they live with you all the time and you take care of them.

You would both be far more reasonable asking for a regular every other weekend plus a midweek schedule than making idle threats about full custody.

You should ask yourself why he hasn't paid the £260 for court though, self representing, and has left it till he has a woman in his life to do the caring.

Venturini · 13/04/2024 17:49

titchy · 13/04/2024 17:48

But you're not suggesting you have them for a couple of hours in the day - you're suggesting they live with you all the time and you take care of them.

You would both be far more reasonable asking for a regular every other weekend plus a midweek schedule than making idle threats about full custody.

You should ask yourself why he hasn't paid the £260 for court though, self representing, and has left it till he has a woman in his life to do the caring.

☝️the naivete is just astonishing

SabertoothKwazi · 13/04/2024 17:58

OP, imagine you’re a family court judge presiding over an identical case. You’re going to look at the situation and go, right this isn’t good that mum’s been blocking contact with dad for no good reason, let’s get contact started up again ASAP. If the dad stands up and says he wants the kids to live with him full time and his new partner that the kids have never met will look after them, the judge’s eyebrows are going to hit the ceiling. You are irrelevant unless you’re a danger to the kids or they have a longstanding relationship with you already.

ElloiseMcTavish · 13/04/2024 18:34

Napsareawesome · 13/04/2024 17:43

@ElloiseMcTavish no I don't know them. But I didn't know his older two either before I met them, and he didnt know my son. It's not like I'm offering to become their mother, but if looking after them for a couple of hours every day when I'm at home anyway facilitates them having their father in their life then why not?
I can't believe I'm spending time justifying myself to a stranger. I don't care what you think about what my reasons are for doing this. Helping him see his kids is the right thing in my book. So thank you but I'm done.

So you don’t know the children, have been with him quite a short space of time, both of you have decided to threaten the mother by going for full residency even although the full situation is NOTHING to do with you. You’re going to be a SAHP if the judge hands the children over and into this mix you’re going to bring another 2 children into your child’s life. The full situation is batshit crazy.

PoisonMaple · 13/04/2024 19:10

Napsareawesome · 13/04/2024 16:54

Wow there are some judgemental people on here!

She stopped him seeing them, it's not like he hasn't been trying. He left the relationship after she sold his car to fund her drug habit that had been going on without his knowledge as he worked away during the week. She moved and now he doesn't know where they are. All he has is her phone number. And he's been paying through the CSA since they separated.

The full custody thing was going to be a threat hoping she'd let him have some weekend access rather than have to fight a lengthy court battle which is no good for anybody including the kids.

So unless you've got something useful to say that actually answers my question, could you kindly please keep your opinions to yourselves.

I wouldn't take you on as clients. You sound self-indulgent and quite deluded. Also, I think it's really odd that you want to take on 'full caring responsibilities'.

A few things. Family Court in the UK doesn't do 'full custody'. We do 'live with' and 'spend time with'. Family Court also doesn't respond well to threats. Their overarching view and that of Cafcass is what's best for the child(ren). It doesn't always go to plan, but the intent is definitely there.

Mediation.
Letter before action.
Child Arrangements Order (C100)
A solicitor willing to take you on and private fees to do so.
My last CAO matter cost my client £5000 - it was a pretty straightforward case.

Good luck.

PoisonMaple · 13/04/2024 19:11

Napsareawesome · 13/04/2024 16:56

Also, I've offered to do this to support him. Like you do when you're in a relationship. Because no father deserves not to see his kids.

Believe me, SOME fathers absolutely do.

Icanseethebeach · 13/04/2024 19:12

ElloiseMcTavish · 13/04/2024 16:47

So he’s not seen his children for 2 years and is now going to try for full custody? This is nothing to do with you, “we are in a position”, no HE is in a position to go down a legal route. If I was their mother I’d be getting myself a shit hot solicitor tbh. Over my dead body would a new parter be trying to parent or care for my children especially after the father not seeing them for 2 years.

Edited

Yes!

Jellybean85 · 13/04/2024 19:23

Napsareawesome · 13/04/2024 16:45

We're only in a two bedroom at the moment, the older two kids sleep on a sofa and a fold out bed on the weekends they're here and my son has his own room as he's always here.

Obviously this isnt suitable if access is granted to the youngest two, but I'm wondering if we'd be better off trying to get a bigger place now or waiting to see what happens with the access discussions.

Where are you proposing they sleep? Where does he live now?

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