Should I get married?

[TheAlchemistElixa]

I’m hearing more and more from people that I have to get married to my partner. For reasons I can’t really understand or explain…I just don’t want to. Don’t fancy it. Irrationally I Don’t like idea of “being married”. But do I need to be to make life easier and protect myself? Relevant context:

Live in Scotland, been together nearly two decades, have two young children (he is on birth certificates, they have his surname but not mine), both joint owners of our house, both have official wills declaring the other the beneficiary or in event of either or both of our deaths our children the beneficiaries.

he has death in service benefit at work which I am named on. We both have life insurance policies naming the other as beneficiary. I pay my own private pension (am self employed) though his is much more valuable than mine.

No other assets on either side, or likely to come into (he has no parents to inherit from, I have a father whose small house I will eventually benefit from a shared portion of. Not much)

the only reason I can think of to marry is to have spousal say if one of us ends up incapacitated in hospital and can’t advocate for ourselves. But it’s not as if the hospital asks to see marriage certificates is it? Surely as his partner they’d still allow me to make decisions for him, and vice versa?

anything glaringly obvious I’m missing? And if not, why do people keep banging on about us needing to get married for protection/easy life?

who are these “people”?!

😂

does your partner want to?

has he even asked?

God, you’d be surprised! Several colleagues (male), a friend who is married (but probably doesn’t quite have their “life admin” in order to the extent we do as listed above) and of course lots of MNers on other threads who always advise women in long term relationships to get married.

No you won't be able to make the hospital decisions you mention but in England if you had a health LPA you could. Not sure if same in Scotland.

Yes, he’d be very happy to and sort of assumes we probably will one day. He would have asked me several years ago but knew I wanted to spend the money on a special trip more! He knows me well…

to be honest, we’re rather past the point of the grand gesture of the man proposing. It’s more of a joint practical decision by this point (we’ll inject romance into it to, but it’s not as if we’re twenty somethings swept up in the first flush of love and starting our life building together! We’ve done all that.) So I’m not sure your questions are really very applicable.

Thank you. I do think power of attorney arrangements are probably the sensible thing for us to do next.

So colleagues and a friend…. how often do they really enquire as to your marriage plans?

and as for MN…. they people aren’t telling you OP. They are posting on other threads depending on the circs of the OP

So he wants to.

Does he apply any pressure or ask why not regularly? because he is the only person you should be bothered about

Wills and beneficiaries can be changed unilaterally and without your knowledge. The pension disparity is concerning, it might feel far away but saving for retirement is really important.

Your two decades together will count for nothing if you split up.

Does he earn much more than you and do you work?

What is not clear is whether you have sacrificed your career in any way to care for your shared children? Reduced hours for example, reducing your pension pot or future earning potential.
He could change a mirror will and you as a beneficiary at any time.

Thanks, I hadn’t thought of that actually, so good to think about.

There’s no way he would change anything without my knowledge or input while we’re still together, but there is of course a likelihood he would do so if we split up and he found someone else…

but in those circumstance I’d still be cut out if we were married, because we’d be getting divorced. Unless I’m missing something else?

I’ve known people to get married to avoid paying inheritance tax. There’s no spouse exemption if you are cohabiting.
(This obviously depends on the value of your partners estate)

Another reason is to avoid inheritance tax issues, but that's only relevant now if the first person to die's estate is over the threshold, first your family when the second person dies they are likely to have to pay tax as they won't inherit the others allowance.

Do get the medical power of attorney done, we filled out forms at our gp that said in emergency we were each others contact and next of kin, apparently they honour this these days as so many people aren't married (dps dd is an adult and lives with me, my DD's are also adults so different to if you have under age children)

Kindly @withthischoice , I’ve posted this in Legal to get some insight and advice. I’m not sure your posts are very helpful or insightful, nor particularly relevant. Appreciate you taking the time to read and comment though.

Most people are advised to marry because the in the circumstances the OP has posted she has stopped working/reduced hours etc to bring up the children, putting her in a vulnerable position if they split as without marriage as protection she is left with no split of the assets (pension included). Not clear from your post if you’re in the position.

Yes, my earnings and pension have certainly been impacted by having children. Though not for long as I was never a SAHP and am working full time (earnings roughly equal to his in a good year - self employed peaks and troughs…)

So I don’t think the grand total of my financial sacrifice is as much as many other women who might have put earnings on hold completely for many years to look after children full time.

OP, people have already told you on this thread how you might be vulnerable, so if won’t repeat it. It’s odd that you have put so much time and effort into making sure you are protected because of not being married. Why don’t you just get married?

DSIS just married after 17 years with her partner and 3 DCs. She did it in a register office with just the DCs and a couple of friends/family members. They then got a takeaway at home. They are successful people with plenty of money so they weren’t being cheap skates. It was not only the sensible thing to do to protect themselves but also I think quite sweet and romantic. DSIS has of course not changed her name.

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t marry. It’s the quickest, easiest and cheapest way of getting protection and changes nothing else about your life at all.

It sounds like you are both happy as you are. As long as you have all your legal stuff sorted I say crack on.

Thanks, hat makes sense. Neither of us are near pensionable age, so I don’t think that applies here? I made small to medium financial sacrifices to have the children, but not massive in the grand scheme of things.

And if we did get married but then split anyway (divorce) then I wouldn’t get his pension then either? I do wonder if perhaps closer to his retirement age (about ten or twelve years before mine) we should think more seriously about marriage then for me to benefit from his pension if he dies.

I know this is stupid, I know it’s entirely me…but I just don’t like the idea of being “wife”! Anyone’s wife. It all feels so legal and binding and claustrophobic and frankly a bit odd after so many years together, too.

I hate the idea of a ceremony or any kind, big or small. I like the idea that he can up and leave me at any point, without feeling “held” by the difficulties of divorce. And the same for me too.

I don’t believe in the promise to stay together forever no matter what. I only believe in staying together for as long as we still make each other, and our children, happy. And that doesn’t make for a very romantic vow, even at a registry office!

Is a straight civil partnership an option in Scotland?

@anothernamechangeagainsndagain Thats really helpful, thank you. Had forgotten about inheritance tax, too. Our property value is over the threshold, but since is only be inheriting half of it (since I own the other half?) then actually it would be very much under. Still, food for thought, thanks.

Yes I believe so, since 2021. I’d forgotten about that option. Perhaps a good idea instead of marriage - I’ll take a look at what it entails and the benefits it provides. Thanks.

On divorce pensions are considered, so yes if you were married and then divorced you could secure yourself a % of his pension for when you retire.