Should I get married?

[TheAlchemistElixa]

I’m hearing more and more from people that I have to get married to my partner. For reasons I can’t really understand or explain…I just don’t want to. Don’t fancy it. Irrationally I Don’t like idea of “being married”. But do I need to be to make life easier and protect myself? Relevant context:

Live in Scotland, been together nearly two decades, have two young children (he is on birth certificates, they have his surname but not mine), both joint owners of our house, both have official wills declaring the other the beneficiary or in event of either or both of our deaths our children the beneficiaries.

he has death in service benefit at work which I am named on. We both have life insurance policies naming the other as beneficiary. I pay my own private pension (am self employed) though his is much more valuable than mine.

No other assets on either side, or likely to come into (he has no parents to inherit from, I have a father whose small house I will eventually benefit from a shared portion of. Not much)

the only reason I can think of to marry is to have spousal say if one of us ends up incapacitated in hospital and can’t advocate for ourselves. But it’s not as if the hospital asks to see marriage certificates is it? Surely as his partner they’d still allow me to make decisions for him, and vice versa?

anything glaringly obvious I’m missing? And if not, why do people keep banging on about us needing to get married for protection/easy life?

Yes, civil partnership is a good shout, you remain 'partners' not man and wife if you'd prefer that. I think Alistair Campbell and his long term partner have one.

I haven't read the full thread. If you are not married or in a civil partnership you won't necessarily be allowed to make decisions for him if he is incapacitated. Also, whilst cohabitants in Scotland are in a stronger position than in England, it is still the case marriage or civil partnership gives you more rights financially if the relationship breaks down.

Yes, if you married and later divorced you would each have a claim on the other's assets, including pension. But the date of the claim would only from the start of your marriage, not your relationship.

When you say that you earn about as much as him, are you comparing like for like given that you are self employed? His employed benefits include employer pension contributions, sick pay, death in service benefits, holiday pay etc. If you were to add all that up what would it cost you to replicate that through self employment?

Civil Partnership all the way. We only did it so that DP could be put on my HA tenancy and not risk being kicked out if anything should happen to me. We did it in our lunch break and went back to work afterwards. No hassle, fuss, vows or rings.

We were in a similar position. We decided on a civil partnership

We got married after many years together and two kids because it just made more sense legally and financially - instead of wondering if we had separately covered all our bases, we knew they were done. Neither of us wanted to “be married” l, so I get where you’re coming from. I secretly resent that you have to combine your romantic relationship with your legal one, I don’t want to “declare” my romantic, monogamous relationship to the state, that seems archaic and silly.

However, we realised we were on the verge of cutting off our noses to spite our face by getting all moral and opinionated about it, and decided to get married. We had a ceremony in an office with two neighbours as witnesses (so we didn’t offend any friends and family by picking them) in jeans, and went for a pub lunch after. Job done, no fuss, legalities all tied up. If a civil partnership had been available at the time we would have done that.

Thansk @Shf a lot of that rings a bell with me. But practicalities outweigh my personal feelings I think! Luckily civil partnership is an option for us (and I do love a good pub lunch) so I think that’s the route we’ll go down.

@TheAlchemistElixa

the only reason I can think of to marry is to have spousal say if one of us ends up incapacitated in hospital and can’t advocate for ourselves.

Wouldn't a Power of Attorney solve that? Both for Health and for Finances. Perhaps your solicitor can advise.

but in those circumstance I’d still be cut out if we were married, because we’d be getting divorced. Unless I’m missing something else?
That would be negotiated by you/your solicitor for your financial settlement I think.

Also, if you took a financial hit when you took time out of paid work to take care of your children, did you fall behind with National Insurance and therefore State Pension? Citizens Advice "Pension Wise" can help with this. I'm unsure if it's the same with self-employed, but you/your partner may be able to make up any missed NI payments and maximise your State Pension. You can also check www.gov.co.uk/pensions for more information. 🌹

@TheAlchemistElixa check both your pensions to see if any payouts depend on you being married. In some cases an ongoing dependants pension might only be paid to a spouse and not a co-habiting partner. Hopefully this isn’t the case but worth checking. I’ve have seen some very distressing cases of long term partners not receiving dependants pensions following the pension scheme member’s death because they weren’t married.

Have a look and see if you would qualify for Married Tax Allowance.

Civil Partnerships qualify for MTA.

The glaringly obvious thing you are missing is wills can be changed and so can death in service.

If you don't want to be married just do a registry office and don't change your name or title etc. Admittedly my relationship wasn't as long as yours but I had all the promises you have from your partner- then I got sick and it turns out he's a selfish lazy arse who only wants a fit healthy and working partner. He fucked off left me with the little one so it's my work and my ability to pay into my pension that's fucked he can just change all his paperwork and start again with someone else. I NEVER would have believed he could be like this I trusted him fully we never had any problems before but then I was always pulling my weight financially and housework etc till I couldn't

The main issue is that divorce or ending a civil partnership takes time and effort.

Tearing up a will in a fit of spite takes seconds. Removing pension nominations can be done with an email. In the event of death, parents and siblings can take over if you are not married.

Separate your feelings about weddings / celebrations and decide if you want the protections a marriage certificate or civil partnership gives you.

We opted for a straight civil partnership. No fuss, 2 witnesses. We didn’t even say the declaration of civil partnership out loud, just read and signed the paperwork then a lovely meal and cake 👍🏻