Child Arrangement and self harm

[bombastix]

This is difficult for me to write. I have a limited order with my ex for contact for one child who is 12.

This child has disclosed to the school that they would self harm if made to have contact with ex. Also mentioned what sounds like abuse of his girlfriend at home.

Obviously no contact is happening. Making a reference to counsellor, seeing GP and keeping an eye on at home is all I can do.

Ex I think has a personality disorder.

My brain is scrambled. I do not know whether to apply to court or wait to see what he will do.

I had a very bad time of it last time and there we're safeguarding concerns about him then, but of course he did his six months supervised and then I had to allow contact. And I had a lot of criticism from the court about my objections.

Can anyone help? I feel so powerless.

You need to take it back to court on an urgent basis.

What have school done?

I'd apply for a variation of the order and ask for an emergency hearing. Are you withholding contact as a result now?

I'm assuming school have involved social services as a safeguarding issue? What do they think.

I wouldn't run back to court if he isn't pushing for contact unless social services will support you.

It's really better for this to be led by school, if they have offered. They likely will have referred to social services as it's a safeguarding issue.

Be very very careful. On the one hand you need to protect your DC but on the other hand don't allow yourself to be wrongly accused of being the reason DC is not coping. Parents alienation is frighteningly powerful and almost always completely wrong. You'll be protected by professionals behind you rather than a worried Mum alone.

It's not how it should be but it is unfortunate often how it is.

I think you also need to be aware that irrespective of any issues relating to the DC, the court order still stands. So if contact is being withheld then you are in breach of the order!
You absolutely need to apply for a variation and to ask for contact to stop, because right now even with SS and school support, the court will see it as contact is being terminated from the respondents volition (presuming you are the respondent)
No solicitor or lawyer will advise you to breach a court order.

Yes. The school safeguarding lead has involved herself. Very difficult. I don't know whether to apply for a variation or leave it until post Christmas. Effectively the parties agreed that the Christmas period should be with me and my family, because of safeguarding issues.

The parties agreed (informally) that the child would spend the Christmas break with me. So contact suspended by agreement albeit a violation of the actual order.

Do you have it in writing that it was mutually agreed? i think you should get this in an email at the very least.

That is a good point

Really pleased all parties agreed and that achoo and social services are working with you in this.

Commiserations OP. I’ve been through slightly similar and it's awful; not just the legal side but also being the advocate for, and carrying the worry for, your vulnerable DC.

I'm glad your DC has you on their corner and has been heard. I hope you have some good support for you too 💐

I have some difficulty; now father is pushing for indirect contact which he has decided he didn't agree.

Child is very fragile, has now disclosed further incidents on direct contact which are affecting mental state, I have an acute reference to CAHMS to deal with this.

I told him the child hadn't indicated that contact was wanted. Is that okay?

Your child is 12 and therefore of the view their wishes would be listened to in court.

You've had a solicitor on this thread tell you to go back to court to get the order varied, until you do that you are breaching the order.

I guarantee you at 12 your child is more than likely to have their wishes re contact fully taken on board and enacted.

Yes. Don't doubt yourself. You are the only person who can truly advocate for your DC and when they are talking self harm it's really serious. No one can fault you for that. Your DC needs to be heard.

Thanks to all here; I will apply to vary.

My concern is my child and the mental state; saying no contact might be attributed to that rather than a wish properly expressed? I have arranged some counselling and medical assessment but really only want to do this court process once because of the stress. My ex will fight me, no question, and I will be blamed by him. I don't care about that but I only want to do this in a way that benefits the child.

I am now applying because ex is insisting on contact. Child is actually threatening harm but he still persists. Child now discussing methods of suicide. Working with SS and the school but he is pushy.

If anyone can tell me the magic words to make this an emergency application and for the court to take me and the child seriously I would be really grateful.

You can literally fill out the paperwork, pay the fee, go down to court and ask for your hearing to be listed as an emergency. No magic words needed.

Thank you. I am just so frazzled by this and all the stuff about MIAM which doesn't apply.

This is the odd; it looks like the original order was never sealed. We acted in accordance with it but it looks like legally there is nothing to vary!

Wow! So you've been thinking there's a sealed contact order that you have been forced to abide by, and there isn't actually even one in place at all?

Is there any way you can check for certain that the wording is exactly as you suspect it to be, and I wonder why it wasn't sealed by any judge or even flagged up as incomplete in some way by court personnel.

I do not know! I was a litigant in person and my ex had a barrister. No sealed copy given.

I have other problems now; seems the reason for child saying no and acting very upset is ex being abusive. This has had to be reported to the police. Child terrified.

He is still asking for contact and is asking for GP referrals, trying to talk to the school (where child disclosed abuse) and I am worried; social services and the police are helping but they haven't spoken to ex yet.

I am not at all surprised to read your last message and hugely disappointed in police and social services for their inaction.

I had exactly the same. Social services reported to court they have concerns about the father's parenting but they didn't stop contact because of it. Same with the judge.
I, and my DC, lost all faith in the justice system as a result.

It's such a strong point in your favour that your DC disclosed to the school and not you. My DC did it the other way around, disclosing to me and not school, which the ex tried to use against me, claiming I had fabricated it as an act of parental alienation.

I am so sorry you and your DC are going through this. Your DC needs support and protection and I sincerely hope you get it. Would it help to consult with NSPCC for their advice? When I did so, and they strongly recommended school counselling involvement, they gave me a case number to come back to them if nobody helped. They said they'd put pressure on social services if I needed them to.

Thanks. Child is receiving counselling at school. That's good.

SS are just really unclear. Section 17 investigation. Police are helping too and are investigating.

The thing I worry about is the court. I know what my ex will say. I've made the child say it. But surely at 12 it's a choice anyway? Child can say no. But these allegations make that even more complicated.

Your strong point is the child has told school. They don't usually approach school if it's a parent pushing fabricated allegations. The fact a child is self harming and suicidal, making plans (a deeper stage of concern), means you are well within your rights to protect the child. If you, the parent, don't - who will?

It is hideous; really awful. No easy answers at all. Just court applications where he will get the benefit of the doubt. I've been here before and they were useless