Is this a good enough reason not to go to court for child arrangements

[Babygirlmum]

What is a reason not to go to court? I have recently lost both patents, and I am due to go to court with my ex over child arrangements, my ex has been seeing DD very regularly more than he ever has, he originally walked out of her life before she was born and the trust was not there, however recently he has been seeing her a lot, however recently they have turned on me after being really nice and supportive, they are trying to take advantage of my vulnerability as I have just lost my mum, they think I'm going to just let them basically have my daughter for ages, last week they had her and my exes mum refused for him to bring her back to me as planned, said if I want her back then I will have to come and get her, let me add it's two hours away and I don't have a car at the moment, my ex and his parents have cars and it's always ok for them to bring her back, however they was being horrible with me as I said I wanted her back for Halloween to spend it with her, I don't see this being unreasonable at all, they are being really petty and nasty with me, my ex has had child maintenance lowered, I feel like maybe he has been having her more to get the CM lowered on purpose it was all a plan along? maybe, he has been nasty to me I can't deal with it at all, but have had to block him, maybe this is not the best thing to do right before the court case but he's causing me so much stress and I do not need it I am heart broken and vulnerable, I am trying to grieve, my mum was 49 years old and passed 5 weeks ago, this is not right they way they have treated me. They originally invited me to there house and was being nice and since coming back this is what I have received, nasty bitterness.

I am sorry you are going through a hard time. However right now you need to be strong and fight for your daughter. You need to prioritise this. Anything can happen in courts and it's best to be prepared.

1. What is he actually asking for contact wise?
2. You seem to really be focusing on his mum having no rights but driving it. That could prove dangerous and you are really underestimating her. She may not have 'grandparents' rights, but it sounds like she is telling the son what to ask for and do.
3. Do you have a solicitor. You really do need one to take a litttle pressure off.

I understand your point of view @Babygirlmum but that doesn’t change the fact that 50/50 is an option as it’s up to the courts to decide that, if it is something he argues for (even if it is his mum asking him to argue this).

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this at what is already a difficult time, but you really need to be prepared for what you are potentially facing in court. As previous posters have said, anything can happen. It doesn’t matter if his mum is the one driving it or if you think she is, if he as the father in court repeats what she may have told him to as his own words/argument, that is what the courts see. They don’t care if you argue it’s all his mum, if that’s not what happens in the court.

I agree with PP, get yourself some legal advice and a solicitor to take the pressure off yourself and let them deal with it.

@Mrsttcno1 all as he wants out of court is consistently and a normal order to see DD, he doesn't want 50/50 and he will not fight for 50/50 I don't know where all this is coming from, he is taking me to court, this wasn't originally with any bad blood between us, In fact we was together a few weeks ago trying fit a family again, the court is just something he wants to get out the way as he already applied quite a long time ago, he no longer wanted it in place however he had already done it, it's a headache for him to, he doesn't want this, just as much as I don't, I know people are probably thinking an I dumb, however this is true I have messages from him saying I can't wait for it to just be over so we can have a family together, it's all very confusing, I went to his house after my mum passed and they was being very supportive, myself and BD was going to try again, I have came home and they have been off with me, I was very confused by this, DD went to stay while my mums funeral went ahead, and then she stayed again, my exes mother asked me could she stay an extra week in which I replied, no I want her home for Halloween so I could do things for my children, and her reply was well you will have to come and get her yourself on the train. When me and BD had already agreed for her to come back. So I went and got her.

It is not uncommon for paternal grandmothers to interfere in this way. I speak as a grandmother of a two year old, and a person who used to work in DVA.

It is a totally unreasonable expectation of the grandmother to want your child with her, away from mum for such long periods of time at such a young age.

I can totally understand your annoyance and resentments.

Some women seem incapable of taking on board the mother/child needs, makes me cross.

As Grammies we should be supporting parents to be just that, not pushing our own selfish desires for a relationship with a grandchild.

It also sounds like she is controlling her son a bit, and there is the possibility of a reconciliation between you, and all this is getting in the way of that.

Go to court and be and be clear that you want your child to have all of his family involved, but that her needs must be central to the paternal sides thinking, not their own.

As an aside from the picture you have painted, granma will think she can just walk into the court which she will not be allowed to do. And you can object for her to seek leave to enter proceedings on the grounds that she is interfering and not helping you and your ex in establishing a good relationship in order to co parenting your child.

that will pull the rug on her

you sound stronger than your OP portrayed. I think you will be fine

@Karensalright I think you're correct, she is controlling towards him, it's actually quite sad, as it's like he doesn't have his own views and his own mind, she interferes and rules him, it's not right at all, she is a mum of sons and my DD would be the first little girl in the family so can you imagine what she is like, he wants a family, however I feel like he thinks his mum will not be happy if we do this, I fact I know deep down in my heart this is all her, the court is just something we have to do as he's applied, I know it may seem like I am backtracking from my OP however I am just pointing out things so that people get a better and more clear view of the situation, we people judge very quickly without knowing the actual situation and use other situations when mine may not be even some what similar.

babygirlmum. I don’t think you were backtracking, your distress when i picked up your thread was palpable.

I just think talking has helped you express yourself better.

This is just my view and advice, take it or leave it.

Right let’s look at the selfish granma first. She is scared she will not get to see her granddaughter, common fear of paternal grandmothers where the parents have split, and paternal grandparents do get estranged quite often.

your ex is being influenced by her because she is HIS mother and he is her grown baby.

As for your ex, maybe he saw the light about being a father, because of his mother, or despite his mother, you may know that. He may not feel confident with a young child.

Maybe facilitate contact near you so that he can develop his confidence

Can you arrange a secret meeting with the ex?

Because what you can do is agree between the two of you what arrangements you both want for your daughter to feel safe and loved, by her parents.

If you can get an agreement with him you can both write it down and submit it to the court without granma knowing.

He would need the support from his mother as you have identified, but you can ask him or tell him he must take responsibility and not allow her to decide anything.

Finally as many have said an order creates rules and boundaries so will be better for everyone.

Feel free to respond if i have things wrong

There is nothing more important than attending a court hearing which will determine the arrangements for your daughter. Are you prepared to end up with her living with his family and you seeing her 1 night every fortnight? Because that’s a real possibility!

@Soontobe60 I'm not saying I am any expert nor am I being ignorant however, I very much doubt this would ever be the case, why would the court want to take a child away from her mother, to give to a father who is a waste of space and walked away from her before she was born and didn't come into her life until 5 months old and then still wasn't consistent, is young, world 6 days a week, where is my daughter going to go, not sensible.