Is this a good enough reason not to go to court for child arrangements

[Babygirlmum]

What is a reason not to go to court? I have recently lost both patents, and I am due to go to court with my ex over child arrangements, my ex has been seeing DD very regularly more than he ever has, he originally walked out of her life before she was born and the trust was not there, however recently he has been seeing her a lot, however recently they have turned on me after being really nice and supportive, they are trying to take advantage of my vulnerability as I have just lost my mum, they think I'm going to just let them basically have my daughter for ages, last week they had her and my exes mum refused for him to bring her back to me as planned, said if I want her back then I will have to come and get her, let me add it's two hours away and I don't have a car at the moment, my ex and his parents have cars and it's always ok for them to bring her back, however they was being horrible with me as I said I wanted her back for Halloween to spend it with her, I don't see this being unreasonable at all, they are being really petty and nasty with me, my ex has had child maintenance lowered, I feel like maybe he has been having her more to get the CM lowered on purpose it was all a plan along? maybe, he has been nasty to me I can't deal with it at all, but have had to block him, maybe this is not the best thing to do right before the court case but he's causing me so much stress and I do not need it I am heart broken and vulnerable, I am trying to grieve, my mum was 49 years old and passed 5 weeks ago, this is not right they way they have treated me. They originally invited me to there house and was being nice and since coming back this is what I have received, nasty bitterness.

Tell the court this. If she doesn't know him
well hopefully they will allow him to see her at a contact / play centre for an hour or so not overnight away from you?

This hearing is of the outmost importance if it about the custody of your daughter. I realise you are upset, but you clearly love your child, so honestly, this is the mist important thing going on in your life at the minute.

The first hearing will be going over the Cafcass recommendations and way forward. It's called a FHDRA. It will be the first of many hearings. It will last an hour and in the court room will be you, him, legal advisor and possibly up to 3 magistrates. The cafcass officer may also be present. This hearing is designed to work out how the process with go.
You do not speak until you are asked a question. Any hint of trying to talk out of turn and you will be shut down, any hint of badmouthing the father and there will be talk of parental alienation.
Prior to court you will need to send a position statement to court and him. It details where you stand and why.
This should all be detailed in your notification from court about the hearing.
Do not bury your head in the sand about this or assume the court care about your life, they don't and their goal is to get you in and out within 26 weeks. There are processes for delaying the hearing and you would need to submit a C2 form to court to request adjournment if required.

Please go to the hearing. The court officer should ask your permission for his mum to attend. Say no. Take screenshots of the bullying and tell the court. Write everything down. I know how you feel, I had a lengthy court case during which both of my parents died. I was devastated. But you must continue to fight for your DC.

Why so lengthy he only wants a set arrangement, why is it going to be a long road? Why so many hearings etc, is it not just in set arrangements and out, he just wants a courts say that he can see me daughter so u can never go back on the courts word.

It's really not that simple. What if he wants 50/50?
Have you been to mediation yet? As that's the first step. If mediation hasn't worked or you haven't been then that's an issue.
The court will need to look if he or you are a risk if you have mentioned you think he is or he has said you're neglectful/putting a barrier up for contact etc.

Whatever else you have going on being in the court room needs to be your priority.. Keep contact to court ordered. No more nice girl op.

OP, I don't want to beat you while you're down but I'm really worried you don't understand how crucial this is. Do you realise that at the moment, without a CAO, if he takes your daughter and refuses to let you have her back there is nothing the police will do to help you? In the eyes of the law he has as much right to keep her with him as you do.

It's absolutely vital you get the split and contact schedule legally decided. Then, if he is supposed to return her on a Tuesday eve, and he refuses, you can point to the court order and call the police to enforce it.

At the moment you are in a very very precarious position, he sounds abusive and like he's using your DD as a pawn to hurt you. This court order will be some protection from that.

It's very important that you go to the hearing.

Do you know what contact pattern he's after? In less than a couple of years dd will be at school so if he wants 50/50 then you are going to have big problems as she can't be enrolled at 2 schools as he lives 2 hours away.

Assuming that you work on weekdays, I would start with alternate weekends so you both get relaxation time with her and see what other days he'd like. If you end up with 50/50, the parent who has more weekdays is usually the one who can apply to schools closest to them so make sure you have at least 50% of weekdays. It's overnights that count so if he suggests picking up dd at 7pm from your house then it's ok to say no to that and say 7am the next day instead.
It's important to have a CAO so you don't need to discuss contact with your ex as you'll know which parent is looking after dd, who is doing drop off and you can use the excuse of the CAO as to why dd can't stay extra days.

@Babygirlmum
you keep writing posts you have been given advice. Go to the hearing it’s court or you will be ruled against and held in contempt.
You have been told collect evidence with that evidence you submit to caffcass.
His mother is prohibited from the court room. It also may be sorted on this day. The courts don’t want to drag it out.
I have already told you caffcass may want to mediate meeting between you both, his mother also will NOT be permitted to attend. Don’t slag the parent off present actual evidence of any intimidation or hostility towards you.
Again as others have stated you need the LIVES WITH bit on the CAO.
My court crap lasted less than 3 months from filing. One initial hearing and the last one when CAO was sorted.
Now I mean this in the nicest way possible way take you head out of your bum get your evidence together and prepare for court. Stop posting about this your multiple posts are very identifiable, if your ex his mother or indeed caffcass are informed or made aware it won’t look good. Caffcass do check out social media!
I wish you well but you have to be head in the game.

So sorry about your mum. Have you any legal advice about going to court, as your solicitor should be advising you on what will happen? Did you go through mediation?
Do you have a plan of what access you would like to see in place?

no, she is saying she is being asked to do her share of the transportation

I’m struggling to see what they’ve done wrong here. They couldn’t drive your daughter back two hours on the day you specified. I mean it’s not great for you but it’s not exactly abuse territory. Is there a massive backstory here? Or is it just that they won’t do exactly what you want When you want? Honestly from the way your posts read it comes across like you’re not exactly cooperative either. I’m sorry that you have lost your mum, it must be very hard, but your child still comes first regardless. How can you not see how important this court hearing is? You come across as either very immature, incredibly dysfunctional or on the wind up. You need some proper legal advice, seriously, you need to grow up and deal with this stuff because it won’t go away and you’ll end up on the wrong end of it if you’re not careful, and you won’t have anyone else to blame if you don’t take control of the things you can and should for the sake of your child.

@PissOffKen That's a bit harsh. Others have explained how important it is without having a go. She is obviously overwhelmed with everything going on and possibly doesn't have much support. Apart from paying a solicitor when can she get advice? In my experience CAB were crap but they may be ok where she lives.

It doesn’t work like that though, the courts aren’t all nice and #bekind. Family court is brutal, and continuing to act like a teenager who doesn’t want to tidy their room is going to end in the very worst outcome for OP. A stranger being blunt on the Internet is nothing compared to what will happen if OP continues refusing to properly engage and take this seriously. If OP is mature enough to have sex, get pregnant and have a baby, OP needs to be mature enough to put her child’s stability and well-being above everything else.

You really need a proper lawyer there representing you, you can't afford not to. They know what arguements can and can't be used. E.g. if he wants 50/50 - that may well be best if possible but not going to work if he lives 2 hours away as she can't be doing 4 hour commutes when she starts school.

You're not in a place to represent yourself so you need someone there to do it.

This is the second recent post where the originator seems to feel that court hearings over access arrangements are optional or should be arranged to suit one party or the other!

100% this, op has to recognise the courts won't accept 'I don't want to' and send her and dd off together and tell the dad 'that's it, no more contact, op doesn't want it'.

Look at this as a solution for your future, an arrangement, and prepare what and how you would like your child's time possibly split between both parents.
Schools as pp mentioned, birthdays, Christmas, school holidays
Costs of travel, important decisions in regards to her health, treatment, and schooling.
Your birthdays, shared? Day before, the day after.
Do not think of court as a threatening environment but a place to drop hos shite & move forward.
Once, when I went to court, the judge mentioned that at the end, he could tell we hated each other, I was not concerned as I only faced the judge and my lawyer.
It is perfectly acceptable to feel hate, loathing, and threatened from this person.
When you think and deal with, imagine your child's next 5 years in order to cover reliant things to keep the father in line.
Advice for no contact, via a family member, a book, or factual texts..
Grieving, I understand.

This is vital for your future.
Work on steps to not let them hurt or hound you.
Do you have a support person, I think it will be a good distraction, and you need to relaise as her mother, whatever shit they throw, let them.
Your daughter needs you and loves you, so let that be your motivation to deal with this court and those other people related to her.
Make it work for you.
What do you want for your daughter?
( You have the texts? Print them off.
Save, record.)
Be strong.

They won't let his mum inside the courtroom, he can request it, but you can say no or the judge might just say no anyway. She isn't party to proceedings so no need to be in there. Some hearings are shorter than others, I've had a couple that were no more than 20 minutes and mine is a very complex case. Be prepared for it to go on longer than you expect, I'm 2 years in with no end in sight. Go in with the attitude that you want your DD to have a relationship with her father, but that it needs to be built up gradually. There's an undertaking on our orders that state father cannot just keep my son. If he breaks that I can involve police. I'm not sure if you'd get that at an initial hearing though.

How did this end up at court? What did your ex ask for re arrangements that you can't agree with? Has he any intention of relocating nearer you?
Ignore your ex's mother. Don't message her, your comms needs to be with your ex as he has parental responsibility.
Ignore any other crap in your life and focus on this so that you are prepared and reasonable and know what you want/what you can compromise on because you will probably have to compromise both before she attends school and when she does. Think about as pp has said where your daughter should be recognised as living with (ie who is main carer) and that school places will be in your area and that is good because...etc and if you have support network locally to you, is your job flexible to work round childcare etc these are the things they will be interested in
I wasn't the one who sought a CAO but actually I am very glad that I have it now as when ex tries to circumvent it and I felt it was not in my dcs interest (especially at first, much better now) I could just refer to it.

My ex partner could not gain 50/50 access for our daughter, he works 6 days and is off for three and they are mainly to rest, so this access isn't going to be easy as there is not much time he can have her, we both work shifts, however if his mum had her way she would want 100% custody as that's what she is like, however we all know that there isn't grandparental rights, and none of this has anything to do with her, for the lovely lady who said I sound very immature, I'm not immature, there has just been alot that has gone on, a lot more than this post states, he onionally walked away when I found out I was pregnant and didn't want to be a part of DDs life and alot more things. I understand everything I may sound stupid, however I am the least stupid person, I can see what is going on, I want to be at my best potential for this, however right now I'm still trying to come to terms of the very fast passing of my dear mother, I have allowed contact for a long time now, he has her when it suits him and he has also had her when it's suited me, we haven't had any problems, other than in the past and as of recent, they accrued last week when his mother basically refused him to bring her back, they wanted me to struggle for some reason, I got there hook by crook to get my baby, they have turned bitter recently for some reason, myself and DDs farther was giving it another go just a few weeks ago, we spent a few days as a family and when I came home, this is how I was treated.

Who currently looks after DD when you work?

I remember your other post.

I was pleased for you when you finally got your baby back.

I know this process is intimidating but you are going to have to get some advice asap so you can state your case in court.

This way the contact schedule will have to be respected by his family. However I do hope it is recognised in court that this arrangement is between you and him and not his family.

If he works shifts I’m unsure if they’ll take into account that his mother will provide childcare.

Offer him something fair - you will be reasonable that way - 3 nights per week? Or two nights?

Overnight Wednesday and overnight Saturday/ Sunday type thing

@Quitelikeit when he has her, he wants her for about 4 nights straight and not one night and then a few days later another night as he says, it's petrol all the time, in which I understand so I allow him to have her for a few days, I am more reasonable than the courts will be, so he's setting himself up for crap I would say, as I am very reasonable, I wasn't at the beginning because he walked away and he was not consistent to begin with, so how does he expect me to cooperate with him, he's done the court process and this is where we are currently.