Is this a good enough reason not to go to court for child arrangements

[Babygirlmum]

What is a reason not to go to court? I have recently lost both patents, and I am due to go to court with my ex over child arrangements, my ex has been seeing DD very regularly more than he ever has, he originally walked out of her life before she was born and the trust was not there, however recently he has been seeing her a lot, however recently they have turned on me after being really nice and supportive, they are trying to take advantage of my vulnerability as I have just lost my mum, they think I'm going to just let them basically have my daughter for ages, last week they had her and my exes mum refused for him to bring her back to me as planned, said if I want her back then I will have to come and get her, let me add it's two hours away and I don't have a car at the moment, my ex and his parents have cars and it's always ok for them to bring her back, however they was being horrible with me as I said I wanted her back for Halloween to spend it with her, I don't see this being unreasonable at all, they are being really petty and nasty with me, my ex has had child maintenance lowered, I feel like maybe he has been having her more to get the CM lowered on purpose it was all a plan along? maybe, he has been nasty to me I can't deal with it at all, but have had to block him, maybe this is not the best thing to do right before the court case but he's causing me so much stress and I do not need it I am heart broken and vulnerable, I am trying to grieve, my mum was 49 years old and passed 5 weeks ago, this is not right they way they have treated me. They originally invited me to there house and was being nice and since coming back this is what I have received, nasty bitterness.

OP, I completely understand why you don't want to go. I felt like this before every court hearing however always mustered the courage to attend. I had an order against my ex, as he had raped me, emotionally abused me, physically abused me, broken my fingers, bathed my favourite clothes in bleach etc etc. I still went, I asked for special measures, I had a screen in between us and separate waiting areas (I'm not sure you would be allowed this if there's not been any abuse proven or alleged, however it is worth an ask). It is SO important you attend. If you don't, it will give the impression that you don't care. The judge will only get his side of what's been going on and your chance to give your version of events and opinion to the judge will be gone. Your ex can request whatever he likes, and without you there to object (if you wanted to) it is very hard for the judge to say no. Turn up, tell the truth, stay calm and you'll be OK. Make sure you have time to decompress afterwards as your adrenaline levels will be high. Come back here and post about it if you need to. Deep breaths.

Can you tell us what your ideal arrangement (exactly) would be and we can tell you whether it is reasonable or not?

@Barbs775 that sounds horrendous, I don't mind the contact, however I do not want any type of contact with him or his family the way they have made me feel the past few weeks, I feel as though they are trying to control me and the decisions I make for my daughter, they want to be in control especially his mum, I would be happy for him to have her on his test days as long as they don't interact with something I am doing with her, he wants to take her on holiday in March which I don't want her to go on as it's her birthday, I don't want to ever face him or his family again, getting me down as such a bad time in my life, watching me struggle and trying to make things harder for me I think it's utterly cruel, they are nasty.

How far away is the court date OP?
The problem at the moment is that a judge is not going to give a fuck and that you don’t want to talk to your child’s paternal grandmother because there was a disagreement about who should be coming to pick her up/drop her off after she spent a few days with her father. I’m not trying to minimize your feelings. But the judge is trying to make a decision that will best serve your daughter for several years, and will see this as a minor emotional speedbump along the road in a co-parenting journey.
Have you are your ex had mediation at all? It might be a good idea. Do either you or actually have a proposal of how contact should work now and when your daughter gets to school age? This while business of several days at a time whenever it happens to suit your ex’s shifts is fine at 19months and totally impractical at reception age. I know she’s a tiny toddler now but court takes ages and the judge doesn’t want to see you back in 2 years tape because the order doesn’t work for a primary school aged child. Any hope of either or both of you moving to jobs with a more predictable shift pattern?

You’re also going to need a way to communicate with your ex even when you don’t feel like talking to him. Email is good because it leaves a written trail and feels business like. There are also apps like ´My Family Wizard’ which are sometimes recommended to separated families where civil communication is an issue. Unless there is a non-molestation order or similar in place then the court will expect you and your ex to communicate about your child.

Are you the main carer? It would be in your interest to get contact fixed by the court to avoid the scenario you had recently. Keep a list of all the issues and abuse.

Other more knowledgeable will be better help, but did either of you move to be 2 hrs apart?
And as pp asked who has dd when you work?

I am going to get back to as many questions in one post, I am the main parent, he is not on DDs birth certificate as he wasn't present at the birth, he didn't want to know until she was 5 months old, none of us moved away it was just a long distance relationship, we do not have set days as I have said previously, we both work shifts however I have been off for a while for bereavement reasons, and for the posters who want to know who had my daughter while I was at work, my mum had my daughter or a family member, my mum has now passed away, she was really good with my children and helped me a lot, and we for loving jobs, our jobs aren't as simple as that, I am a nurse and her farther is a police officer, it's mainly shift work, I am not back at work yet however I will be moving departments, in more day cases, therefore I will no longer be doing 12 hour shifts.

It doesn't matter who looks after your child when he has her. 50/50 can be one week on/one off. Your saving grace here will be the distance once she starts school.
You can request first refusal of care so that if she is not with him, she has to be returned to you.
It would be highly unlikely power of arrest would be attached to a police officer's court order. It's rare to get it anyway, even with abusive men.
Also, at the moment he does not have PR do if he did keep her, police will get involved.
During court it is likely he will be added to the birth certificate, and gain PR.

Can you register a father on a birth certificate if they are not there when you register a child I have no idea? If you can and there was no dispute over paternity, you really should get that amended for your daughter's sake ☹️ as it stands does he have any parental rights, is that why he is taking it to court? I appreciate you are absolutely having the worst time but you must know that your daughter deserves to have her dad on the certificate whether you like him or not.

So you decide what you want before court, attend, tell them 'I propose that X has his child on this day, this day and this day, with X to drop off at TIME and X to collect at TIME. I believe that this is in the best interest of our child for reason 1 2 and 3." The court may agree, or disagree, but at least you will have dates and times and if they do not stick to them they are in breach of a court order and you have a leg to stand on.

Sorry about your mother. That must be very difficult, dealing with grief and having to completely reorganize your childcare set up all at once.
So actually you have already done the moving jobs to a more predictable/manageable shift pattern. Your ex also needs a plan about how he’s going to manage contact and shift work.
Given the distance, a contact schedule like every other weekend plus half of school holidays would be reasonable. But that requires your ex being able to schedule his shifts so that he’s available most of the time. Having his mother watch your child while on his contact time will probably be considered reasonable. A judge might also order a number of nights per month (say, 4-6) and expect you both to agree on the dates each month according to your assigned shifts.
Do you know what your ex is actually asking for? Is it realistic?

If a couple are married, one spouse can register their child and fill in both parents’ names. If a couple are not married, the mother registers the child and the father needs to attend the appointment to be registered. Seeing as this man wasn’t interested in his child at first then it’s in no way OPs fault he’s not on the birth certificate. Now that he’s decided to be a parent he can absolutely ask to go on the birth certificate and the court will grant this if there’s no dispute about paternity. If the mother says he isn’t the father they’ll do an DNA test and determine paternity that way.

The starting point for custody in cases like this now does tend to be 50/50, and then you negotiate from there. If I were you I would be expecting him to be added to the birth certificate any day now, if he asks to be then the courts will allow this as another poster has suggested. This will give him all of the same rights that you have.

As other posters have said, you need to attend the court. Otherwise decisions can be made in your absence which you will then have no say over whatsoever. There are certain systems now like apps which allow you to communicate almost in a vacuum, so you don’t have to have each other on social media etc so you can communicate through that or by email if that would be better for you? Unfortunately though you do need to find a way to communicate with him as you are going to need to have some way of speaking to each other for your child.

They aren’t going to recommend 50/50 when the parent live 2hours apart. It’s not doable when school kicks in.

This isn’t necessarily true, my god daughter’s parents have separated and they live just under 2 hours apart, about 1 hr 45/50, and she’s just started school and they have had to choose a school right in the middle of the two parents due to 50/50 custody.

Well that sounds shit for everyone involved.

Omg poor child, wonder how that worked with catchment areas and the LEA, did they have to appeal to get a place?? and if you have a competitive secondary school catchment...it's a risk.

It can be tough but in their case they both want “their” time with their daughter, and it’s almost made harder when both the mum and dad actively want that time with their child, at least if a dad is happy to take weekends or every other weekend that’s simpler. Both parents wanted to be involved equally and even after mediation to try and avoid going through the courts neither parent was willing to agree to less than half of their time with their child, so here they are with 50/50 and their daughter in a school in the middle, she managed to get a place as the school did have availability. She’s too young currently to have a say in where she wants to be so it is the situation they find themselves in for now, the court believed that she benefitted from this

Just out of interest, was 50/50 already in place before school applications?

Sorry. My last post was for @Mrsttcno1

Yes @spidermonkeys it was

My ex would not be able to deal with 50/50 he doesn't want that, he still goes on about three lads holidays per year he's young, younger than me, he doesn't prioritise our daughter, he never did until his parents met her and then all of a sudden, court was applied for, this is all his mum I know it. She wants my daughter not him.

The thing is though OP if court has been applied for then regardless of whether it’s him or his mum pushing him to do it, a decision will be made. Make sure you attend so that you are involved in what that decision is.

@Mrsttcno1 i am fully aware a decision will be made regardless, I'm just pointing out a few things to PP that 50/50 should not be an option in this boys case, he can't deal with our daughter alone, he needs help, he can just about change her nappy, I asked him to have her once alone, my mum had just been diagnosed with cancer, I asked him to have DD and his reply was I can't as my parents are on holiday and I can't have her on my own, this is what is taking me to court.