My son

[Pool123]

Hi there

just need some advice on behalf of my son

hes currently split from he’s ex of 10 years .they were not married but have a young son who hasn’t started school yet. They both own a property in joint tennants

my sone pays for the full mortgage and child maintenance. And he did all other bills until he handed back to her earlier in the year

my son currently lives with me as he can’t financially get anywhere else as he’s paying the mortgage and is tied up

shes currently on benifits and UC and maybe other things. And in and out of low income work

my son has been to a solicitor and they have hense that she should be paying half and they recommend something called a TOLATA .

all my son wants is the sell the house and take he’s half of the equity of whatever it will be and move on with he’s life and she’s moves on with hers

can anyone give any advice on this matter please

thank you

If he's only caring for his child every other weekend and one evening in the week how can his ex work? Sounds like she is doing her best but your son needs to step up and do more childcare so his ex can work too. What would happen if his ex took a full time job? Would your son do half drop offs and collections from the nursery and pay half nursery fees so his ex has a fair chance to work too? It sounds like your son doesn't want to take responsibility for his DC if he wants to sell, take half the equity and just move on with his life only seeing his DC very occasionally and leaving his ex to do all the parenting.

Er, no. They move on...but one moves on with a full time job and almost no responsibility, and one moves on with a child full time. And you think they should just spilt whatever bit of equity there is. That's it?

She moves on with the bulk of the care for the child.

Hardly an equal split.

Is your son planning to do more once the house is sold? If not is he going to give her a higher percentage of the equity to reflect she’s the one housing the child the majority or the time and whose work life will be affected long term by school times, school holidays, illnesses etc?

For the avoidance of doubt, this thread is an argument in favour of getting married before having children if you are the financially weaker partner or if your earning power is impacted by childcare duties.

Maybe "my son" in is this thread is very well aware of the law in that area.

I wish all women were equally aware before they have the children.

You’re not a feminist, are you.

Your son should be paying half the nursery fees to enable his poor ex to move on. It sounds as if he just wants to move on leaving his ex gf and DC to fend for themselves.

I think you are being optimistic on childcare cost. My DD had to pay £1800 for DGS and that was 3 years ago now. It is bound to have gone up each year.

Your son can’t have the child more, because he works full-time.

You are expecting his ex to get a well-paid job, when she has the child all week.

Makes no sense!

You know when your son will be able to stop paying child support? When he has his child 50% of the time.

You know when his ex will be able to sell the house? When she is employed enough to afford a mortgage on her own, which will be when she can get a well-paid job, which conveniently will also be when your son has the child 50% of the time.

Your son can change his shifts or pay for childcare to enable him to work on the weekdays he has his son. The same way his ex will have to pay for childcare so she can work.

It’s not rocket science.

Your son needs to reset his thinking as do you.

They jointly have a child that they are equally responsible for providing for. That means a home, food, clothes and emotional care etc.

In order to provide equally and build a reasonable life for themselves they both need to work full time. This means they both need to arrange childcare 50/50.

At the moment your son is providing childcare mainly by leaving him with his mum. That's not acceptable. If his ex had moved out leaving the child with your son, provided maintenance payments and went to work, making your son the main carer what would he do? Would you and he think it was unfair that he couldn't work full time due to caring responsibilities? Would you be concerned that her support was going to be cut and he was going to be oressured to sell his home because she wanted to move on, with no regard for his reduced earning power, while she was free to progress her career freely?

If he wants to move on why doesn't he offer to swap roles, as he seems to expect her to be able to manage perfectly well in this position. I'm sure he'll manage as well as he expects her to and build a wonderful future for himself and his child. At least he would have you to help out.

I am so sick of men who create DC and then just want to move on and abandon them without agreeing to pay half the nursery fees to enable ex to work.

I think both you and your son need to get your heads around the fact he isn’t paying for his ex to live there.
He is paying for his child who he is jointly responsible for.
Its all very well that he has decided he wants to move on and just pay maintenance and claim half the cost of the house on his full time wage, but if he wants his son to have a decent life then he needs to enable his ex to get a job that pays well and split the cost of childcare in addition to his maintenance by having his son more.
You say ‘what more could he possibly do’
What more can his ex do? Someone needs to care for your sons child and and while I’m sure it’s lovely spending time with him it’s doesn’t exactly pay the bills does it.

Your son is a bit daft or thick if he can't work this out. She can't work full time like him as she's stuck with the kid that is 50% his responsibility.

She should get more if he's having the kid less. Or he does half the parenting and PAYS FOR CHILDCARE WHILE HE WORKS like most of us. Honestly he sounds lazy and a rubbish Dad. If he's going to only bother with his kid for 36 hours a fortnight ans the odd evening meal at least have the decency to pay up for the ex who is doing most of the parenting.
I do Feel sorry for you though it must be a real disappointment to see him not stepping up

He can't just "move on," he created a child with this woman and he is responsible for caring for his child until his child is no longer a child.

I get what people are saying but overly hostile, we don't know the full story here.

It could be that in order to keep a roof over their heads, he needs to work and not have the child as much, if he doesn't there is no roof. Yes, she may well be the mother and have the child more but that may be because he's working, to keep that house going. A situation that isn't feasible long term and whatever which way that turns out for the best, they need to move on financially, no?

I think what the OP is saying is, he at some point needs to build himself back up again, not necessarily move on from his child but financially and suitably housed, as does she. Whether that's her having the house or them splitting the equity to buy themselves places each this current situation is not going to work long term.

Then, in that scenario of them both being financially independent, suitably housed both parties are not reliant on one another and the child can perhaps have more in terms of shared parenting. Right now, it may not be possible financially, rather than jumping to the father as being some low life.

OP, she is unlikely to be able to support a job unless they get childcare, which is probably going to be expensive or counter productive financially, I would say. Unless they can get free hours on childcare funding. Other than that, if the house has enough equity in it to split and them both be okay or he drops the house entirely and passes it over but then she may not be able to afford it anyway in that scenario.

I'm no expert but logically, if he cannot afford to keep the payments going and also find somewhere to live and she cannot afford it on her own, selling and splitting the equity would make more sense, to me.

The maintenance is for his clothes, his food, heating to keep him warm, transport to get him where he needs to be, all the things a child needs to thrive.

What about childcare whilst the parent works? That's the bit that your son is not contributing to. This is really not that hard to understand.

If he's only caring for his child every other weekend and one evening in the week how can his ex work?
Is this a joke? Are you insinuating that it is impossible for a single mum to ever work until children are at school? Makes you wonder about all those nurseries that look after small children.

Of course she can work FT. Many many single mums do, with 1 OR more children.

Government benefits are there for this exact reason. She would be able to claim for 70% of her childcare costs.

She can move and buy a one bed property after she gets a FT job with the equity or rent.

OP'son can pay a decent amount of maintenance to cover 50% of the 30% childcare or pay this extra if maintenance is low.

There is no reason whatsoever why he should continue to pay 100% of the mortgage whilst she is at home looking after her child, that assuming they are not yet even allowed for some free sessions.

Love this answer!!

You must be so proud OP. 🙄

Your son could pay 50% of the mortgage and 50% of any childcare costs that allow your grandchild's mother to work.

As well as the above he could spend 50% of the out of childcare time with his child.

Maybe he could also pay 50% of all the costs of his DC? So food, utilities, clothes, activities, outings, transport, etc etc.

This site can be quite "anti-men" and you will get a lot of unhelpful responses about how your son's difficulties are due to the split of childcare whilst ignoring that he has no choice because the bills have to be paid. Ignore them.

What he needs to do as a first step is get his solicitor to change the beneficial interest in the house to tenants in common. Then he should call the bank and ask to be moved to an interest only deal until this can be resolved so that he is not paying off capital for her benefit. He could instead then use some of the money to either do more childcare himself or to fund it so that his ex can become financially independent.

The next consideration is whether the house needs to be sold of if she can live in it for a time whilst she becomes financially independent. If the house is more than a two bedroom flat, it could well be considered too big for her needs and be ordered to be sold. If she does stay in the house, she will be expected to pay the mortgage herself.

@Pool123

If the parties were not married the usual estate would be "tenants in common" where each holds a share [usually a half]. The situation is co complex that DS needs to sit down with a solicitor and get advice and make a plan.

A court hearing may well be needed

Are you kidding me? She has bills to pay too, but she's lumbered with his kid while he walks off with his EOW disney dad existence!

You;re as bad as the OP

When me and my ex split we shared childcare so that we could both work full time. I did school drop offs ( he worked 7-3) and he did school pick ups (I worked 9-5). My ex and I don't get on, but I can't fault him for stepping up and recognising his responsibilities.

Once in the week and every other weekend, what a joke. And worse still , your enabling him.

My DH was in similar position. But he didn’t want to uproot the kids from their main home so he paid the mortgage for a couple years until his ex could afford to buy him out. But that also meant his equity built up so once she bought him out he used the equity for the next house. But he rented until he could buy.

These are your own prejudices that you cannot possibly ascertain have relevance to the OP.